A Sister's Nightmare (2013)

Ahh... Natasha Henstridge. Species was a rite of passage for many wankers, literally.

At a glance:

You will forgive this writer for not resistin Natasha Henstridge in any form of visual entertainment, on account of the post-pubertal nostalgia of watchin Species (1995) for the very first time. You will forgive this writer, even if A Sister's Nightmare is a Lifetime telemovie and her glorious teardrop tits, now misshapen by the sands of time, remain covered throughout. The story? Oh, it's just a mystery thriller directed by Vic Sarin, about an embattled police officer (Kelly Rutherford) who is forced to welcome her older sister (Henstridge) into her home after 16 years of confinement in a psychiatric hospital.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Oh, the usual caricatures and predictable setups. It's also a little strange that the actress who plays the younger sister is six years older than her in real life, not that this had any bearin on just how the movie held up, goin into the last third where the dots connect all too easily. Every other character, like the feckless fiancé (Matthew Settle) and even the mysterious, aquaphobic daughter (Peyton List) merely embellish the backdrop, so we don't think this is a Stephen King story.

Kelly Rutherford looks a little like Ellie Goulding here, doesn't she?

Natasha Henstridge is a different species, these days.

Reminds me of:

The Hand That Rocks The Cradle (1992) and Glass House: The Good Mother (2006) but those were much better, of course.

Most memorable line:

Well I certainly don't remember any but check out this hilarious movie review by Jill O'Rourke at Crushable. Definitely more entertainin than what I've spluttered here or even the movie proper.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Canada will continue to breed such movies for many more years to come, surely. This particular one's a rushed exercise, but very serviceable for a lazy Sunday afternoon, I'd say. Keep your expectations low.★★★
Bonus material:

Wow. Time changes everything, huh?

Charlie Zone (2013)

Amanda Crew stars as crackhouse beauty Jan in Charlie Zone (2013).

At a glance:

I've read many glowin reviews about this little Canadian crime caper that managed a very limited theatrical release a while back. Michael Melski's under-supported Charlie Zone (2013) is about a disgraced First Nations boxer and ex-con (native actor Glen Gould) who resorts to streetfightin for YouTube videos to make ends meet, before fatefully takin up a job to retrieve a young heroin addict (Amanda Crew) from a crackhouse in Halifax, Nova Scotia. Title is in reference to a rough part of town, I understand.

Jan (Amanda Crew) gets nicked by Avery (Glen Gould).

Bad news on the doorstep:

It's a little too long and it tends to wanna cover too much. Also it overdoes the unpolished, grainy feel. Is this how the East Coast underworld is really like, I wonder? I've never been. Modest little Canadian crime flick with borin camerawork and lethargic editin but it does feature some decent lead performances, especially the gritty Gould. The movie is most interestin when he's on the move and weakest when people talk too much. Two or three more rewrites would've landed more solid punches.

Perennial wonderment:

How come pushers and junkies are always so unconvincin in under-budgeted movies? I believe that sometimes, all that an actor needs to get so much better for such roles is to spend some time on the streets.

No safety.

Reminds me of:

Always liked Amanda Crew since I watched her in Sex Drive (2008). She reminds me of Kristen Stewart, only with talent. Wished her role could've been sexier here, though it'll probably serve as a distraction from the proceedings. Still, could've gone for a more lascivious edge, in all that doom and gloom.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

I enjoyed all the personal little touches and also the attempt for a certain level of intimacy but I think the heart of the story is underwritten. Norman Milner notes: "It’s cheaply made and a little on the long side, with maybe one speech too many about the rich taking advantage of the poor. But strong performances by Gould and Crew – clearly relishing the opportunity to go beyond the frowny-pretty roles she’s usually given – compensate for the production’s ragged edges, and director Melski, who co-wrote the script with Joseph LeClair, shows promise as a meat-and-potatoes storyteller. Give these guys a little more money and a bit more prep time and the results could be really impressive." Check out the official website and Facebook fan page for more info.★★1/2

The Colony (2013)

Kevin Zegers and Charlotte Sullivan made no difference in The Colony (2013).

Production still from The Colony (2013).
And don't you dare bitch about spoilers.

At a glance:

I had the pleasure of attendin a secretive test audience screenin for an unfinished cut of The Colony last year. So I was particularly excited to go to the world premiere at Scotiabank Theatre in Toronto, a week or so before it goes on wide release. It's a modest and respectable, if essentially unremarkable Canadian effort by screenwriter Patrick Tarr and director Jeff Renfroe, about a snow-set post-apocalyptic world that's bang opposite from Hollywood's usual projections of global warmin in the future, i.e. Waterworld (1995). Trust the Canadians to have come up with this twist, eh? Shot at the decommissioned NORAD base (North American Aerospace Defense Command) in North Bay, Ontario, the synopsis reads: Beneath the icy surface, survivors of Colony Seven struggle as food supplies dwindle and temperatures continue to drop. Plagued by illness and internal conflict, the colonists suspect the worst when they mysteriously lose contact with Colony Five – the only other known settlement. Sam (Kevin Zegers), a strong-willed mechanic with a tragic past, joins a team headed up by Briggs (Laurence Fishburne) on a dangerous expedition to find out what happened. After a hellish trek, they discover a threat much worse than imagined, and now Colony Seven must win a savage battle to preserve the last of humanity.

Bill Paxton outperforms everyone else in The Colony ...
but only because he actually has a credible character arc.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Well, it sure didn't get much better the second time around. We start off low-key, buildin promisin, creepy isolation, like in The Thing (1982) but suffer a narrative meltdown to end on a generic slasher note that mostly failed to resist the easy overkill. A major letdown comes by way of underwritten primary punch-clock characters who constantly appear less desperate than they ought to be. While it is in no way a poor movie, the final product cannot pretend to have transcended the sort of weekday afternoon sci-fi mediocrity that always leave us emotionally shortchanged. I believe it's perhaps three or four more rewrites from cult DVD material. Nevertheless, eOne has packaged it well and I do hope it gets a good run at the cinemas.

"What if I told you... that you've seen this movie before?"

Perennial wonderment:

How tall is Laurence Fishburne? There's something about his neck as though he's kind of 'squashed' in appearance. Still, you'd think he's huge if you ever watched The Matrix movies, schoolin Keanu with that trench coat. Accounts vary but today I was standin next to him and can report he cannot be much more than 6'.

Reminds me of:

The Road (2009) and that addictive FPS I used to love, Left4Dead2.

Watch out for:

Bill Paxton (remember Frailty?) as the resident troublemaker. Each time I see this guy's face, I think of an axe. You can read all about his role in this Twitchfilm interview - he apparently refused to say a line because it sounded too much like one from the Alien movies. Maybe that's why his was the only character that has a semblance of originality.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

I prefer a more cerebral brand of sci-fi but have a look at The Divide (2011) if you want somethin cut from the same cloth. Check out the Facebook fan page to learn more.★★1/2
Bonus material:
Here are some photos from the world premiere in Toronto I attended, thanks to Toronto After Dark for havin me.

Fishburne tried his darnedest not to look at this TV reporter's boobs.
His wife, actress Gina Torres, was visibly irked. Haha.

Kill For Me (2013)

Katie Cassidy. Last seen in bloodied plastic in Nightmare On Elm Street (2010).

At a glance:

Kill For Me (2013) is an R-rated Canadian effort from Michael Greenspan, about roommates Amanda Rowe (Katie Cassidy) and Hailey Jones (Tracy Spiridakos) who share the problem of abusive men in the past and now must consider murder as an option to help settle each other's problems. Other casts include Chelah Horsdal, Colin Lawrence, Denis Corbett, Donal Logue, Leah Gibson and Ryan Robbins.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Not the strongest character expositions, made worse by several poor dialogues from a slightly lethargic script and an unrewardin twist climax. Katie Cassidy from TV's Gossip Girl and Arrow looks less interestin as the movie wears on.

Perennial wonderment:

Canadian actress Tracy Spiridakos looks a little like Amy Smart, doesn't she?
Okay, well, maybe not in this picture.

Reminds me of:

Mike Long of DVD Sleuth summarises perfectly: "Kill for Me is yet another movie where students never seem to go to school... plays like an odd combination of Strangers On A Train meets Wild Things. The movie wants to have an old-fashioned vibe while still portraying (nudity free) girl-on-girl action and some violent scenes. The end result doesn't add up to much and by the time the ending arrives, confusing reveals and all, most viewers will be saying 'Turn this off for me'."

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Underwhelmin release. Show some love on Facebook if you've seen it.★★
Bonus material:

Katie Cassidy and Tracy Spiridakos.

Devil Seed (2012) @ The Devil In Me @ The Darkness

Vanessa Broze plays a bitchy busty blonde. Should've been the lead.

At a glance:

Talk about run-of-the-mill safe bets. Readin on the outset itself about how Matchbox Pictures' goals are to "utilize the assets that Canada has to offer to make commercially viable entertainment appropriate for a target audience with a main focus on low risk - high return genre pictures" almost exonerates the film as yet another horror runabout with the usual paranormal possession flim-flam. To be fair, Devil Seed is very accomplished, if not derivative and unremarkable, shot with the Red One camera on a reported budget of just CAD 250,000. So no surprise it scored enough distributor deals to get our attention. With token nudity, competent SFX, suitable sound design and several impressive set-pieces, you wouldn't begrudge the rental fee if you're givin this a go tonight on Netflix or AppleTV.

Bad news on the doorstep:

We can go a little light on it since it's a maiden project, but lead Michelle Argyris is unfortunately a self-conscious actress with limited range, who might have done better here as a reserved brunette like co-star Shantelle Canzanese instead of a scowlin sexpot. The busty blonde bitch played by Vanessa Broze brought more to the table and maybe they should've swapped places. Hell, even the cameo by fitness model Sabrina D'Amour at the end made me think that she could've lent some Meg Foster appeal as the lead. The ones who definitely stuck out like sore thumbs are Wayne Conroy as the professor and Michael G. Wilmot as the Catholic priest. They looked like they just walked in on set.

Perennial wonderment:

Possessed? No problem. Just give it a Google.

How come I seem to remember every recent possession movie depictin the afflicted victim sat in front of a PC doin a Google search on "possession"? Surely this has become a B-movie bane that filmmakers should avoid.

Reminds me of:

Well, I think it's safe to say Lionsgate retitled it The Devil In Me in the U.K. to benefit from the obfuscatin association with The Devil Inside earlier this year. Strangely in this case, the lesser known copycat is actually much more enjoyable than the supposedly superior big studio release. I hate that movie! Also, all this seed business reminds me of Demon Seed (1977) with Julie Christie. Gotta dig that up sometime.

Devil Seeds in different markets.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

A little more innovation is needed for us to pardon the intensity-sappin performances. Still, a success story of a first foot forward for the filmmakers. For more info, check out the official Facebook page and the official website. That reminds me, has anyone seen The Apparition? That's a well-sold movie with very strong visuals - but critics have torn it to shreds just like The Devil Inside (2012) and I even read that the keyart actually gives away the movie. Leave me a comment? Back to Devil Seed, I'm lookin forward to the next project from this promisin production house - Kingdom Come - but I hope they stay off from the Exorcist (1973) retreads this time.★★1/2
Bonus material:

Shooting in London. That's London in Ontario, Canada.
I'm learning, too.

Michelle Argyris, a good, hard-working find. Hope she'll improve.

Lead Michelle Argyris with director Greg Sager.

"Hey, why don't we shoot a porno instead?"

"D'ya reckon you could do the Latin
without soundin' like you're orderin' Greek food, pal?"

 Vanessa Broze

Dead Hooker In A Trunk (2009)

"Boo."

At a glance:

Vancouver-set grindhouse fare by Soska twins Jennifer and Sylvia, two Canadian sisters who like violent horror movies. Dead Hooker In A Trunk (2009) tries to be as exploitative as it sounds, the conception of which is said to be inspired by the filmin of microbudget success El Mariachi (1992). In fact, they got Carlos Gallardo to do a cameo and Eli Roth to endorse it. Backed by IFC, the story is merely a premise - a group of people drive around tryin to figure out what to do with a whore that appeared in the trunk of their car.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Sexy Soska twins

Some camerawork choices don't help the story and detracts from the thriller mystery mood. I understand the music is supplied by a number of Vancouver acts. It sounds really good but I'm not sure it always goes. Also, the plot digresses far enough from the corpse that we forget all about it.

Reminds me of:

The girls remind me of Fiona Horsey in Wolfgang Büld exploitation movies. Don't get your hopes up though. There's no nudity here, so that's a big drawback if you were under the impression this was an over-the-top exploitation flick.

I can't remember if I cried:

Some of the pointless, poorly-filmed violence and gore in here are comical.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Show some love for a debut effort. They have a movie slated for this year - American Mary (2012). I guess things can only get better for Twisted Twins Productions. Check out the Dead Hooker In A Trunk official website for more info.★★
Bonus material:

"There's a dead hooker in the trunk and that is a big fucking deal."

Moving Day (2012) @ The Guys Who Move Furniture

Burly Curly can't get a break... still it's hard to root for him.

At a glance:

Gabrielle Miller

Moving Day (previously The Guys Who Move Furniture) is a decidedly low-key Canadian caper that is obviously a labour of love from director and scribe Mike Clattenburg (TV's Trailer Park Boys). Not much online presence for this project; can't find a website, Facebook fan page or Twitter handle and even the IMDb page isn't updated at the time I'm writin this. Billed as a workplace comedy, we follow cumbersome Clyde (Will Sasso, Curly from The Three Stooges, 2012), an overworked and underpaid employee at Redmond's Furniture. He dreams of workin as a City Council labourer, whom the filmmakers relish pointin out to be skivers who make $16 an hour. However the reality is that he's stuck in a dead end job with a dodgy boss (Victor Garbor) and colleagues who are either alcoholic womanisers (Gabriel Hogan, TV's Battlestar Galactica), rock star wannabes (Jonny Harris) or ex-convicts (Charlie Murphy, Night At The Museum, 2006). His sister (Gabrielle Miller, TVs Corner Gas) is the admin clerk of the company and tries to look out for him but Clyde realises he really needs to find his feet elsewhere.

"Why don't you go put a hickey
on the crack of a monkey's ass?"

Bad news on the doorstep:

It's inoffensive but uninspired. Thematically flimsy and rather lethargic, guys who move furniture are as borin to watch as it sounds. Too little is given to the audience to root for its protagonist, whom the focus should've pivoted on, instead of spendin too much time with the supportin actors. The ambivalent dramedy hinted in the trailer materialises; and to no good effect, leavin us with what comes off more like a lazy Sunday afternoon telemovie. Perhaps we can get somethin more compellin next time from Mike Clattenburg.

Will Sasso:
Just a man and his will to survive?

Perennial wonderment:

This must be the first time I can't find two images to put up here for a movie that I've seen. Talk about bein under the radar.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Charlie Murphy a.k.a. Charles Q. Murphy, the less illustrious older brother of Eddie, provides some comic relief and dramatic weight to an otherwise much more vacuous movie experience. The film suddenly picks up towards the end but it's a little too late.★★
Bonus material:

The worst seat and view I ever got in my life.
Don't worry, I moved.
Photo taken at Scotiabank Theatre, Hall 10, Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

They Wait (2007) @ Demon Days

At a glance:

Female ghost with strange black, inky arms.

Here's more on the Chinese Hungry Ghost Festival. They Wait (2007) was a Canadian horror flick that most dismissed as a silly piece of work, produced by the overwhelmingly unpopular Uwe Boll and directed by Ernie Barbarash (Assassination Games, 2011) but I'd like to think the story and screenplay by Trevor Markwart is actually quite solid and intriguin, though the finished product of course, stumbles here and there. Look away now if you don't wanna read a spoiler: besides playin out a mystery that traces back to maligned sweatshop immigrants, it also skims over a topic I don't think any horror movie has ever covered before - inhumane bear farmin! We follow a married inter-racial couple (coincidentally I just watched another Chinese-Caucasian pairin in Seventh Moon last night) as they return to Vancouver for an uncle's funeral after six years abroad in Shanghai. Just as you would expect, it's open season for them starved spirits and their son Sammy (Regan Oey) starts to be able to see them like a Chinese Haley Joel Osment, subsequently fallin prey to one particular mysterious spectre, a female ghost with strange black, inky arms. Sarah (Jaime King) and Jason (Terry Chen) must figure out just what they want before dawn, when the realm of the dead would close up and the kid will be lost forever.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Terry Chen
- what an annoyin actor!

Well, the heart of the mystery is unusual and definitely not cliched but the eerie buildup is undone by some cartoonish CG work, made worse by Terry Chen (The A-Team, 2010) in a superfluous role as the nobody dad. Poor guy was probably miscast because they movie doesn't need him at all. He took too much attention away from Jaime King (Mother's Day, 2011) and made the pair look trivial. I also have a problem with the castin of the kid, whose "Eurasian attributes" go as far as havin dyed brown hair. Come on guys, get real!

Bitter, bitter.
Cured my fever?

Perennial wonderment:

Does bear bile really work? God knows I had a lot as a child. They were nasty. I hope one day the trade will stop. For further readin on the bear bile trade and just how torturous it is for our ursine friends, check out a Facebook fan page or two because that's what people do these days.

Reminds me of:

Kelvin Tong's The Maid (2005).

Watch out for:

Shaw Bros wuxia vet Cheng Pei Pei (Street Fighter: Legend Of Chun-Li, 2009) plays the annoyin aunt with some literal skeletons in the closet. Great to see the golden oldies still gettin work.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

★★ 1/2 for the story.

Shaw Brothers wuxia vet Cheng Pei-Pei.

The Samaritan (2012)

"So whaddya say, baby? Shall I put on some Marvin Gaye?"

At a glance:

All Samuel L. Jackson movies are at least half watchable and this offbeat pulp fiction drops ever so neatly into that category - it jolts, it teases and then at the end credits you're left decidin whether this movie axiom remains true. The veteran anti-hero relishes the tag of bein one of Hollywood's most charismatic actors, a son of a gun who gets paid to shout at people, picture after picture. So when he's not in an eye-patch assemblin mutants to fight aliens, he's in The Samaritan (2012) playin an embattled ex-con (convict AND conman) who had just done a 25-year stretch, only to come out to a strange world populated by characters like Ethan (Luke Kirby), the son of the partner he murdered, and Iris (Ruth Negga) the enigmatic addict nympho who's got the hots for him. The hoverin crime boss Xavier (Tom Wilkinson) provides further intrigue.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Err... how do I say this? The Samaritan changes genre midway and there's a twist in the middle that beggars belief. Worse, it's been done before, so if I tell you which famous movie it's from, it will utterly spoil it for you. This twist is so pivotal and monolithic that entire scripts can be built around it, so it doesn't quite sit in with the rest of the various noir elements in the movie. Perhaps a hint of this iffy approach could be seen in Samuel L Jackson himself, who appears rather bored most of the time, despite also co-producin the movie. He's the master of persuasion and always makes his characters count but in this heist flick gone wrong, we really have to wonder why this story needed to be told. The film is shot by director David Weaver entirely in Toronto and that ain't exactly one of the first cities that come to mind when you're sellin a noir or heist.

Ruth Negga

"You're old enough to be my father...
and that's how dirty I like it."

Perennial wonderment:

Why can't Ruth Negga get more roles outside of TV? She's the delectable Irish-Ethiopian beauty we saw in Breakfast On Pluto (2005) and that crazy cow horror Isolation (2005). Very Thandie Newton, perhaps with a more ethnic edge. Her looks here directly lent some credibility to movie logic and kept the movie from fallin apart. While we're talkin about looks, there's a small role here for Deborah Kara Unger. Don't know if her placid, botoxed look is part of the character but she sure don't look like the spring chicken she was back when she was gettin her kit off for Michael Douglas in The Game (1997).

Reminds me of:

You know I can't spoil it for you.

Watch out for:

When the big twist is given away. People were laughin out loud in my hall.

Most memorable line:

"If you keep on doing what you've always done, you keep on being what you've always been."

"You could always get a job at McDonald's or Walmart, honey."

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Two and a half, I'd say. Rushed endin drew disaffected faces at an advanced screenin I attended at AMC Yonge. On a partin note, the term "Samaritan" is a reference to a type of con, by which it succeeds when con artists get one person to pose as a helpful friend to the mark to gain his trust. Watch the video below for Samuel L Jackson's explanation.

Bonus material:

The Samuel L Jackson Venn Diagram.
[click to enlarge]
Kudos to the guy who thought of it.

In Samuel L Jackson's own words:
Why is it called the Samaritan?