Bisikan Syaitan (2013)

"Why did you put the twist inside the synopsis ?!?! Why ?!?!"

Nabila Huda all sullen, like.

At a glance:

This might not be the longest 80 minutes of your life, but film editor Faizul Rashid's debut feature Bisikan Syaitan (2013) (literally: Satan's Whisper) suffers the stunnin marketin incompetence of havin a widely circulated synopsis that effectively reveals the big twist in the movie. Why do things like this still happen? What a fuckin waste of time it was for me. Who am I to ask for a replacement DVD or download voucher apology from Grand Brilliance producers Tengku Iesta Tengku Alaudin and Latiff Mohaideen for havin sat through this farce? Bisikan Syaitan is a sorry shyte excuse of a supernatural horror, shot at Frasers Hill and Kuala Kubu Baru for a reported RM 1.5m. It opened in Malaysia last month, rakin in some RM 790k.

Bad news on the doorstep:

"Can't you give me a better T-shirt?"

If that's not bad enough, stick around and run through the genre tropes with me. This movie is about 20 or 30 years behind time, with all its cardboard characters and cheesy scare scenes. Maybe some of these actresses take the term Scream Queen in horror movies to mean you have to scream an awful lot. Screamin at the top of your lungs in every distress scene is not actin! Nabila Huda is ace in any bohsia role but she's no scream queen. The other actress, Wan Sharmila, commands no screen presence and apparently a steamy scene between her and Fizz Fairuz was lost to the censors.What's left? A Tweety t-shirt and a whole lot of screamin.

Perennial wonderment:

How many times have we seen a good premise on paper, completely lost to rubbish execution? Maybe that's why some of the older MIG horror flicks were quite watchable -- they had some measure of pace and execution, to mask its inadequate story. Workin with Nanie Ishak's script that
has everythin from watermelon and coconut juice to human placenta and explodin computer screens, how did it turn out so bad? Whispers here, whispers there. Whispers do not make a movie!

Reminds me of:

The last time I enjoyed a horror movie at home was 9-9-81 (2012) a few weeks ago. In a cinema? Probably as far back as Laddaland (2011).

I can't remember if I cried:

"Hey yo wassup you hospital folks y'all? Where da party be at?"

Dynas cameos as a doctor. Talk about bein miscast. All that flowin hair, walkin in and out of ORs like it's a Pantene ad. When will they learn? Wotta joke. What can you expect from a movie that screws up the font spacin in its title cards?

Farrah Nadia

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Doe-eyed child actor Farrah Nadiah is by far the best thing about this terrible effort, though I can't knock Fizz Fairuz for anythin. I can't believe them guys left that cliched last scene in the final cut. You know I'm only angry because I care. This was a piss poor project, even for the undemandin local standards. Back to the drawin board, fellas.★1/2
Bonus material:

"You're under arrest for starring in a criminally poor movie."

Jiwa Taiko (2012)

Sex with strangers: Nadiya Nisaa and Bront Palarae.

At a glance:

I think we have to get to the bad news in the first paragraph itself. If you too thought Osman Ali's Jiwa Taiko (2012) was gonna right all the wrongs in Anak Halal (2009) and combine with the box office sensibilities of KL Gangster (2011), then we're all the same fools who didn't know that fantastic poster actually reads "Jiwang Taiko" ("sentimental triad boss"). Yes, this is a pretty naive outin from the Nuansa stable that has angered no small number of regular Malay cinemagoers, thanks to a grossly misleadin marketin campaign that sought to mask the melodramatic tripe it really is. We follow convalescent ex-con Remy Ishak and his merry band of welfare home misfits as they do battle against his former crime partner Bront Palarae. Throw in a love rectangle or two (could well be a pentagon or hexagon even), some pseudo-silat elements and there you have it - a badly edited RM 620,000 box office disaster. Maybe some of the psychotropic drugs in the movie could help alleviate the shame of havin been outgrossed by M Subash's farcical horror You Believe In Ghost? (2012). My heart goes out to Osman Ali who seems perpetually uninspired in familiar territory.

SOCKKK!!! KAPOWWW!!! BISHHH!!!
Okay, break for lunch!

Bad news on the doorstep:

Like I said - put simply, nobody is buyin the story. Should've kept its old title - Bara Jiwa.

Perennial wonderment:

Apparently some steamy scenes were snipped, so how does a wide-release poster with Bront Palarae prominently holdin a cigarette get passed? I remember the magazine I was with, we were receivin warnin letters from the Home Ministry over a tiny movie still of Tarantino's Grindhouse (2007) in which someone is holdin a cigarette. Guess they're still makin it up on the go.

Reminds me of:

Anti-AIDS and anti-drugs community service ads from Malaysia's 90s.

Watch out for:

I have some sympathy for Bront Palarae, who relishes these psychotic antagonist roles and acts his heart out here. His take on a skinny, doped-up gangster is done with conviction, even if it's actually nothin we ain't seen 30 years ago in Hong Kong triad movies. I guess we have to really scrape the bottom of the barrel for any positivity in a paper-thin script like this. Special mention here for Nadiyatul Nisaa a.k.a. Nadiya Nisaa who plays problem girl Lara. The poor girl is completely out of her depth, although her beauty mole does exude some dirty girl appeal, sorta like a Malay Blake Lively. I shit you not, this Malaysian Film Festival Pelakon Harapan winner for Cun (2011) would've done better for herself if she turned in a mute performance, instead of shriekin English lines like "I need to think!!!" and bein generally very annoyin at a high-pitch.

"How do you know it was me
who passed the herpes to you?"

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Readin Osman Ali's defence doesn't help. The jury is already out on its Facebook fan page. Both action and romance border on comical farce. Gratuitous huggin and kissin invoke the wrath of more conservative audiences but on merit alone, this is an insult to the rudimentary plebeian tastes of an already undemandin target crowd. What a huge disappointment.★1/2

Bonus material:

A missed opportunity.

Orang Minyak (2007)

At a glance:

Peculiar character-driven story about the supernatural apparition that is orang minyak. Legend has it that the thing is a charcoal-black monster who has a thing for virgins - but me dad says they're just horny blokes who oil themselves good to pass off as ghosts, so that uneducated village girls will tell coppers silly stories. Holy burnt char siew, Batman! What an excellent idea! Should try it on the neighbour.

Unmarketable poster.

Bad news on the doorstep:
Movie did poorly on the back of bit-part jobs from two co-directors (C.K Karan and Jamal Maarif) and an unmarketably dark poster which apparently scared kids. Lack of banana peel humour didn't find fans among Duyung masses either.
Watch out for:
The two-pronged talents of a radiant, naughty housewife played by Zila Bakarin, who got married recently after years of TV mediocrity. Still on the subject of two-pronged talents, there are also the ridiculously uncomfortable wardrobe and delivery lines from Liverpool-born Sharifah Sofea. These busty women were infinitely more interestin that the titular character.

Unmarketable character.

I can't remember when I cried:
When I met my former Taekwondo instructor as a child, who happened to have turned movie director. I ain't seen Master Karan for almost 20 years and here he is givin press interviews. What an unexpected turn.
My hands were clenched in fists of rage:
When it transpired I'm apparently the only writer in Malaysia who liked it. Most local journos rated it the worst Malaysian movie of 2007. Harsh!
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
★★★★ on the basis of the number of prongs in this movie.

Trailer for the curious:

Bonus material:

Orang Minyak attack.

Director CK Karan in cap, as Jobot Maheran and Sharifah Sofea look on.