Isis Rising: Curse Of The Lady Mummy (2013)

Porn star Priya Rai goes mainstream in Isis Rising. Still flashes boobs, though.

I wished the movie sucked. Literally.

At a glance:

Do you guys know the crossover Indian-American porn star Priya Anjali Rai? She's quite filthy and frankly, a joy to watch, whatever your ethnic preferences may be. Recently, the longtime stripper turned adult actress has apparently cut her hair, got hitched to some wealthy businessman and subsequently announced her retirement from the scene, so as to develop her mainstream actin career. I believe Lisa Palenica's unsold project Isis Rising: Curse Of The Lady Mummy (2013) is Priya's first movie in that direction.

Bad news on the doorstep:

"Why did I quit porn? Whyyy?"

After a most unconvincin prologue in ancient Egypt about a love triangle between Isis, Osiris and Seth, we are fast forwarded to the present day where six college students unwittingly awaken the spirit of Isis (Priya Rai) and now they have to stop some undead army from destroying the world. It's frankly a shoestring-budgeted version of Night At The Museum (2006), with a tryin cast, doin their best to hide the primitive SFX and soundmix under a pile of jock jokes and sexual innuendos. I think the biggest disappointment, for anyone even remotely interested to watch this C-movie, would be the fact that Miss Rai doesn't actually appear much, despite bein given top billin and also servin as a co-producer.

"It says... you will star in... many bad movies... before you meet a cougar producer..."

Priya Rai: 12 years on the stripjoint circuit.

Perennial wonderment:

Milfy Priya Rai is the mother of two children. If somethin good did come out of this sad excuse of a movie, I guess they can both watch mummy's movie together with her this time, eh? Ahh... God works in mysterious ways.

Reminds me of:

That movie with Mallika Sherawat, Hisss (2010) for some reason.

I can't remember if I cried:

The CG work is very Power Rangers. It's hard to stay interested after seein the first few attempts.
Most memorable line:
This is the kind of movie that could've been watched on mute and on fast-forward, so don't expect any standout writin.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

In all fairness, at least they didn't take themselves so seriously. It's a silly little fantasy with some savin grace e.g. some actors like Jing Song and Shellie Ulrich definitely didn't make it any worse, given the circumstances. However, the fact that there's no nudity in the package makes this one a curious little project indeed. Why did they make it? Oh, well. Check out the official Facebook fan page and tell me when you find an answer.★1/2
Bonus material:

Jing Song stars as Professor's pet. She gets pounded and then possessed.

Hold Your Breath (2012)

Automobile-assisted electrocution. All because she didn't hold her breath.

Katrina Bowden reads the awful script...
but decides to star in it anyway.

At a glance:

This sorry excuse for a movie is right down your alley if you're the kind of C-grade cineaste who knows mockbuster maestros The Asylum. Jared Cohn's frivolous Hold Your Breath (2012) has a plot thinner than the DVD plastic it comes in, so if you keep your expectations low, nobody will get hurt. A group of hedonistic twentysomethings go on road trip but when they drive past a cemetery, they neglect to heed the titular old wives tale, as insisted by Katrina Bowden's character i.e. HOLD YOUR BREATH! Some old wife somewhere should start the rumour that your face will fall off if you watch an Asylum movie for more than 10 minutes. Anyway, that's when a malevolent spirit from the past (an executed convict) possesses one of them and we get some gory party pieces before a know-it-all cryptkeeper enters the proceedings to try and save the lot. Yawn.
Bad news on the doorstep:
They could've kept the laughable CG until the later half of the show, so as not to burst the bubble so soon. As it stands, we get a one-sentence story, punctuated by spaghetti straps and the inexplicable scenes of repeated mutilation to the human eye.

"Nooooooooooooooo.... my career!!!"

Watch out for:

Erin Marie Hogan as Natasha stands out, since she gets a sex scene and when she's not busy humpin the lead actor. 30 Rock's Katrina Bowden is given all the important lines that the other actresses probably couldn't handle, but she ends up doin little else. This blonde lass sure has come a long way since I first saw her as sweet Miss Tasty in Sex Drive (2008). Shame she gets to keep her kit on while the other two female actresses don't!

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
I don't even know why I put this up. Go check out the official website and judge for yourself. I do have some nude stills of the sex scenes after the page break, if you're interested. Alternatively, you can read this hilarious review by the unforgivin English, right here.★
Bonus material:

Devil Seed (2012) @ The Devil In Me @ The Darkness

Vanessa Broze plays a bitchy busty blonde. Should've been the lead.

At a glance:

Talk about run-of-the-mill safe bets. Readin on the outset itself about how Matchbox Pictures' goals are to "utilize the assets that Canada has to offer to make commercially viable entertainment appropriate for a target audience with a main focus on low risk - high return genre pictures" almost exonerates the film as yet another horror runabout with the usual paranormal possession flim-flam. To be fair, Devil Seed is very accomplished, if not derivative and unremarkable, shot with the Red One camera on a reported budget of just CAD 250,000. So no surprise it scored enough distributor deals to get our attention. With token nudity, competent SFX, suitable sound design and several impressive set-pieces, you wouldn't begrudge the rental fee if you're givin this a go tonight on Netflix or AppleTV.

Bad news on the doorstep:

We can go a little light on it since it's a maiden project, but lead Michelle Argyris is unfortunately a self-conscious actress with limited range, who might have done better here as a reserved brunette like co-star Shantelle Canzanese instead of a scowlin sexpot. The busty blonde bitch played by Vanessa Broze brought more to the table and maybe they should've swapped places. Hell, even the cameo by fitness model Sabrina D'Amour at the end made me think that she could've lent some Meg Foster appeal as the lead. The ones who definitely stuck out like sore thumbs are Wayne Conroy as the professor and Michael G. Wilmot as the Catholic priest. They looked like they just walked in on set.

Perennial wonderment:

Possessed? No problem. Just give it a Google.

How come I seem to remember every recent possession movie depictin the afflicted victim sat in front of a PC doin a Google search on "possession"? Surely this has become a B-movie bane that filmmakers should avoid.

Reminds me of:

Well, I think it's safe to say Lionsgate retitled it The Devil In Me in the U.K. to benefit from the obfuscatin association with The Devil Inside earlier this year. Strangely in this case, the lesser known copycat is actually much more enjoyable than the supposedly superior big studio release. I hate that movie! Also, all this seed business reminds me of Demon Seed (1977) with Julie Christie. Gotta dig that up sometime.

Devil Seeds in different markets.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

A little more innovation is needed for us to pardon the intensity-sappin performances. Still, a success story of a first foot forward for the filmmakers. For more info, check out the official Facebook page and the official website. That reminds me, has anyone seen The Apparition? That's a well-sold movie with very strong visuals - but critics have torn it to shreds just like The Devil Inside (2012) and I even read that the keyart actually gives away the movie. Leave me a comment? Back to Devil Seed, I'm lookin forward to the next project from this promisin production house - Kingdom Come - but I hope they stay off from the Exorcist (1973) retreads this time.★★1/2
Bonus material:

Shooting in London. That's London in Ontario, Canada.
I'm learning, too.

Michelle Argyris, a good, hard-working find. Hope she'll improve.

Lead Michelle Argyris with director Greg Sager.

"Hey, why don't we shoot a porno instead?"

"D'ya reckon you could do the Latin
without soundin' like you're orderin' Greek food, pal?"

 Vanessa Broze

The Devil Inside (2012)

"Please don't hate me for starrin in this movie."

At a glance:

Early contender for Con Job Movie Of The Year. Another 'found footage' horror in the vein of the Paranormal Activity movies. About a girl, Isabella Rossi (Fernanda Andrade, pic) whose mum killed three people while bein exorcised years ago. Benefits from a strong trailer featurin the very scary-lookin mum (Suzan Crowley), which doubles as a Bonjela ad.

Yet another misleadin con job visual:
a woman that appears for half a second only
and has no bearin on the movie whatsoever. 

Bad news on the doorstep:

At the Malaysian premiere where I watched this, a Malay couple left within 10 minutes of the proceedings. I wished I followed them out but me mum seemed to be enjoyin herself. Maybe they didn't dig Saint Barnabas and all this Vatican palaver but boy oh boy does this movie have some credibility problems. Multiple stream recordings give a very technical killjoy effect to the 'found footage' concept of horror. This lazy, superficial and ridiculous movie skims through all the token possession movie horror elements and also culminates in one of the most annoyin and frustratin endings in recent memory. I feel it's my social responsibility to warn you off films like these.

Perennial wonderment:

How come we're back to censorin the swearin? I watch these possession movies just to hear foul devilspeak about crucifixes in cunts (like Linda Blair in The Exorcist, 1971) and was disappointed to find that a little of its already short 83mins were cut.

Reminds me of:

Exorcismus a.k.a. The Possession Of Emma Evans (2010) but at least that wasn't a con job despite not bein a very good film.

I can't remember if I cried:

When "Connect the cuts, connect the cuts..." was subtitled as "Tafsirkan luka saya, tafsirkan luka saya..."

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Half a star. Plenty of loud groans from the exit crowd guaranteed.
Trailer for the curious:

Mantra (2010)

Mantra: Looks like that scene from Joan Of Arc (1999), innit?

At a glance:

Santau (2009) gets a thematic sequel with Mantra (2010), Metrowealth’s 38th in its catalogue and one that wishes to echo the RM 4.3 million success (collections from Malaysia, Singapore and Brunei) of the first movie last year. In Mantra, Zul Suphiaan (stage name Zul Handy Black, the dodgy neighbour in Santau) plays Muzir, a man who gets involved with dark powers and inadvertently gets thrown into jail for a crime. He loses his wife (Ana Dahlia) and while to another man, his one-time friend Hasbi (Hasnul Rahmat). In Pudu Jail (yes, you get to see several scenes shot inside it before its famous demolishin) he dabbles with the occult again by learnin black magic from an old prisoner (Rozaidi Abdul Rahman). With his newfound powers, Muzir manages to poison the warden (Hamdan Haji Ramli) and frees himself to seek revenge and reclaim his family.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Zul Handy Black

The recycled horror formula is simple – take an original research about black magic and add a strong revenge theme with an all-new cast of fresh faces, lettin it all bake in some decent CGI and sound work. You can say Mantra is better than Santau in all aspects, and can even lay claim to some artistic respectability due to its difficulty in producin – save for one sore point which is minimal character development, resultin in a compromised storyline. In the earlier 2009 film, the CGI work and the performance of its lead actors may not have been better but there were clear cut protagonists and antagonists who were easy to follow. In Mantra, the focus on the titular subject may (to the point of using “real” chants and incantations) seems to have backfired considerin the approach has come off a little too successful, takin away the appreciation of the 89-minute feature film as a whole. In other words, Mantra commands respect for its faithful adherence to the demonic subject but in terms of entertainment, we may not remember it as a particularly scary or successful film.

"Did you or did you not pick up the bar of soap?"

Reminds me of: 
The movie is one of the last to be filmed in the now demolished colonial relic Pudu Jail in Kuala Lumpur. Wished I had the chance to visit it but it was too late.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

In a nutshell, Mantra was probably a hell of a script but this screenplay doesn’t give it an engagin justification. Santau had a certain Stephen King appeal to it but Mantra just comes off more like a dramaticised documentary. Let’s hope the next horror movie from Metrowealth – Ngangkung – will set it right.★★★
Bonus material:

Pudu Jail, Kuala Lumpur. Now demolished.

Santau (2009)

At a glance:
David Teo wanted RM 10 mil but a crowded release schedule won't have it. I think collection's close to 4 now. However the main point is that after 33 previous films, looks like local prolific powerhouse Metrowealth Movies Production (more often credited as Metrowealth International Group, MIG) finally got it right. With the release of Santau, Malaysian cinema can finally boast of a projected box office shockbuster that is solid as it is sound, and one that can travel regionally as a credible and entertainin supernatural horror flick, immediately betterin those pocong and kuntilanak efforts that pour in all too easily to these shores. Like watchin a movie adapted from a Stephen King book, Santau combines Malay occult practice with a tight story, decent editin, convincin traditional FX and an able lineup to offer a complete movie experience that was frankly woefully missin in part or in whole from previous MIG movies e.g. Jangan Pandang Belakang and Congkak. This time around, sudden loud noises, constant shriekin and overdone look-behind-you shots take a backseat to proper character development and scene resolution as we follow a married couple and their daughter who are all hexed by an unknown enemy.

Bad news on the doorstep:
There's the possibility that I'm endorsin this only because I'm happy it exceeded my expectations. You might still find it generic shyte.
Perennial wonderment:
If Malaysia will ever see a nude possession scene in a local film. All these clothes are a real nuisance to the occult feel.
Watch out for:

Maggots for Putri Mardiana?
All in a day's work.

Putri Mardiana havin a Maggot & Rotten Egg happy meal! This newcomer may have a slightly limited range of emotions but her elaborate possession scenes make her an actress to look out for in upcomin projects. Her nervous housewife character Nina is the chief accursed and she's well supported by Esma Danial as the desperate husband Halim, while young Farisha Fatin gets an introduction as their confused child. At any point if the inconsistent performances by these actors threaten to show, all is well covered by a progressive story with complementin camerawork and some truly macabre makeup and special effects. Riezman Khuzaimi, Zul Handy Black and Bob Lokman also star in supportin roles. However, perhaps greenhorn director Azhari Zain and his immediate crew who are to be lauded for this wonderfully scripted effort.
Most memorable line:
Ustaz: "Apa agama engkau?"
Nina: "Majusi"
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?Complete with customary twist and an extended climax overkill in exorcism ritual (not to mention without the token romantic subplots and other useless cinegredients that plague local horrors), Santau is chillingly effective like a local Drag Me To Hell and isn't too far off from bein the best thing Malaysia can yet hold up to classics like Exorcist and Poltergeist. Intense hair-raiser that could be remade with more violent, bitter black glory. Four stars.