Hell Glades (2013)

Jenny Scordamaglia and Katie Rotolo have the best pair in Hell Glades (2013).

Pointless interracial horseplay scene:
Michael Malone and Sandy Jean.

At a glance:

How I wish I could take some hot chicks into the wetlands for eight days and muck about in the name of makin a movie. Just about anyone can make a movie these days, can't they? Just ask my fellow countryman Julian Cheah... or in this case, Aiden Dillard, who has carved a name sellin his movies like Meat Weed America (2007) to dodgy content distributors Troma Team Video. I think this Hell Glades farce never got shopped since its completion as far back as 2011 and only recently found itself on iTunes. Filmed in Immokalee and Miami Beach, it's a sun-soaked slasher with bikini-clad broads and an outlandish Native American villain named Coowahchobee. The synopsis reads: On Friday October 5th 2007, the first day of Columbus Day weekend celebration in the United States of America, a group of young women went camping in the Florida Everglades. They all disappeared under myserious circumstances, except for one. This is her story.

Bad news on the doorstep:

"Coowahchobee loves good head."

"With pretty petals like those, I'm sure his stamen
was hard pressed not to enter your pistil."

Well, what can I say. This is the cheapest cousin of Wild Things (1998) yet -- and I've seen me all of them. Curiously edited with a range of hard cuts and some fadeaway shots, it comes across like an action documentary with very low production values. The sound mix is so poor that swimming pool waves drown out the voice of a guy who narrates standin next to it. The worst thing about this movie though, is what is bein passed as actin. The delivery and timin of the lines are so outrageously hammy, it seems almost intentional. This in turn becomes an unexpected sellin point of the movie. If only they packaged it that way, it could've turned some heads. As it is, the laughable low-budget kills and horrible lightin is enough to make anyone switch off within the first 10 minutes.

Best actor: This barn owl.

Perennial wonderment:

The worst completed movie is still better than the best uncompleted movie, right? One day, I will test this.

Reminds me of:

Troma's The Toxic Avenger (1984) but that was curio piece with a lastin legacy. Hell Glades (2013) on the other hand, plays off scarcely better than a film school project you'd shoot with your parents' money. It's strange they had so many elements and used so many people for the effort. Aiden Dillard, if you're readin this - can you tell me what you had initially hoped to achieve by makin this movie?

I can't remember if I cried:

Please. Do. Not. Act. Again. Ever.

This fella named Ron Henry cannot act to save his life. If you're readin this, please sir, don't ever put yourself through the embarrassment again.

Most memorable line:

Well, this silly flick sure has some unusual writin. Imagine how in the first minute, a couple have sex in the woods and the girl goes: "Hey John, look at that owl, looks like it's watching us. Isn't that strange?" and he replies with a snigger: "Even the birds like to watch the bird and the bees." Other cringe-inducin lines include "That's where I keep my larger prey like bears panthers and other big pussies." and "Our love is like sandwich. You are ham, I am cheese."

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Robin Vernon groped by Seminole baddie in Hell Glades (2013).

Hell Glades in the hands of a more competent filmmaker would've had high chances of fallin into the category of films that are so bad, they're good. What kinda movie goes through the elaborate execution of havin their bustiest actress say lines like "With pretty petals like those, I'm sure his stamen was hard pressed not to enter your pistil." Should've been much more fun than this.★1/2
Bonus material:
I have loads of photos for you, culled from the official Hell Glades Facebook fan page.

What does the Arabic on Aban Sonia's chest say?

(L-R: Chelsea Harshman, Nicole Soden, Katie Rotolo, Jenny Scordamaglia, Belkys Galvez, Aban Sonia. Krelwear sponsors swimwear on last day of filming at Deauville Hotel, Miami Beach. Photo: Sid Graves.)