Cornered! (2009)

Doughnut Donny wants to screw Jess but all he could do is pretend not to be
starin at her cleavage, just like the rest of the audience. Wotta dead script.

At a glance:

CGI rcockoaches.
They're in the movie, too.

James Duval tried.

"Not the panties, Clyde!"

Essentially, Cornered! is an indie horror feature expanded from a one-sentence premise with a token twist, just in case you forget you're watchin a micro-budgeted C-movie. During their nightly poker game, a group of lowlifes are terrorised in their own convenience store by a masked killer. We have deliveryman Morty (Steve Guttenberg, Cocoon, 1985), sweaty Latino proprietor Steve (Eduardo Garcia), his useless addict nephew (James Duval from the Gregg Araki movies), zaftig sex chat part-timer Mona (Ellia English, Aunt Helen from The Jamie Foxx Show), fat nobody Doughnut Donny (Peter Story) and the kindly prostitute Jess (Elizabeth Nicole) that he so desperately wants to boink but cannot, on account of his colossal fuckup loser of a personality.

Elizabeth Nicole gives her cleavage to the cause.

Bad news on the doorstep:

None of these characters have anythin goin for them. Who wants to watch a bunch of losers for 87 minutes? Shouldn't there be at least one interestin, sympathetic protagonist to root for? Shouldn't there be at least some cheap nudity since it's rated R? James Duval and Ellia English have a good go at it but this amateurish script is the sort that just fell out of some film student's bag pack. Sadly, a C-grade survival horror that nobody will miss.

Reminds me of:

Night At The Golden Eagle (2001).

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Torturous runaround but you can at least be consoled by the fact that it was at least coherent. Can't believe it cost more than US $3 million to make. Well, you can go over the remains of this project at the official Cornered! movie website that still runs today.★1/2

Bonus material:

Poor fellas.

Cold Prey 3 (2010) @ Fritt Vilt III

At a glance:

Not to risk further disbelief by resurrectin the killer a second time, Cold Prey 3 @ Fritt Vilt III is a prequel to movies one and two, naturally an origins movie. We switch directors again with Mikkel Brænne Sandemose but the biggest difference is that franchise staple Ingrid Bolsø Berdal does not return. Instead we get a new set of teens and they go about tryin to survive the monster they discovered. I should imagine we do a similarly crappy job in survivin the movie, as they do, the monster.

Bad news on the doorstep:

After only a token introduction to the birthmarked butcher in the first two movies, somethin more intimate is required for a third movie. Sadly we are not given much more than yet another token backstory on the antagonist; effectively a concession on the filmmakers part that we've come to the end of the road in this icy charade. Also, this latest bunch of people are the most beautiful yet - but they're just as clichéd and pedestrian as the original skiers in the first movie. The movie even feels lethargic in some parts.

Perennial wonderment:

How any third movie always gets the most flak.This one's got 'last paycheque' written all over it.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

A few chillin moments but ultimately a letdown. Forget it and go watch Troll Hunter (2010) instead.★★
Bonus material:

"I can't believe you're interestin enough to make three movies about."

Cold Prey (2008) @ Fritt Vilt II

"I'm here to shoot all blondes scream queens."

Ingrid lookin like hot prey at the Amanda Awards
where she took Best Actress for this role.
That's the Norwegian Oscars, you philistine.

At a glance:

Easily the strongest in the successful Norwegian horror trilogy, Cold Prey 2 @ Fritt Vilt II trumps the 2006 original in every turn, providin more sympathetic characters and marginally more original scares. In a sequel approach similar to Halloween II (1981), we pick up the hypothermia right where we left off, followin Jannicke (returnin Ingrid Bolsø Berdal) to a local hospital after she has been rescued. Debutin helmer Mats Stenberg replaces director Roar Uthaug and is found stretchin with an iffy resurrection plot, but perhaps his vision (and no doubt, improved budget) is to be credited for makin those shadowy hospital corridors an interestin enough place to be taken to this time.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Marthe Snorresdotter Rovik

Funny this had a theatrical release in Malaysia in 2009 under the now-dormant Cathay-Keris distribution arm, when no Malaysian ever saw the original in the cinemas. However, as Syahida Kamarudin points out, you don't need prior knowledge of the birthmarked butcher to enjoy this one on its own, although she rues the cinema experience in that notoriously scissor-happy territory. Ostensibly a feminist reviewer, the writer notes that Ingrid Bolsø Berdal is not your typical Hollywood hot babe in distress and is believably great to watch. However, myself now with the privilege of havin seen the original, expected more from Ingrid. Due to the immediacy of the continuin events, a more compellin character arc wasn't possible, so we don't get to see more development from her character, despite admittedly bein even more badass with her weopon of choice, the pickaxe. Come to think of it, if both Part I and II were viewed back-to-back, it would've made a resoundingly satisfyin watch.
Perennial wonderment:
Where is Marthe Snorresdotter Rovik now, the actress who played the cute doctor?

Reminds me of:

The time I was trapped in an industrial-sized refrigerator. I ate all the ice-cream while I was in there.

"Bollocks. Why can't you clean his rectum for a change?"

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Three stars is possible if you watched this in a big cinema with lots of excitable women.
Bonus material:

"They're not goin to bring him back to life AGAIN in Part III, are they?"

Cold Prey (2006) @ Fritt Vilt

Ingrid Bolsø Berdal plays Jannicke, a holidaymakin snowboarder turned badass ball-breaker.

At a glance:

In conjunction with the release of Oren Peli's Chernobyl Diaries (2012) in which features Fritt Vitt lead Ingrid Bolsø Berdal, let's revisit this successful Norwegian flick that proved enough to form the basis of a survivor horror trilogy. The official website is still up today! The story? Same old genre retread built around a bunch of attractive young people trapped in an abandoned hotel in the snowy mountains with an unknown killer on the loose.

Ingrid lookin like hot prey at the Amanda Awards
where she took Best Actress for this role.
That's the Norwegian Oscars, you philistine.

Bad news on the doorstep:

We've seen it all before. If you're a horror movie fan that has been numbed by the Hills Have Eyes series, the Halloween series, the Scream series, the I Know What You Did Last Summer series, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre series, the Wrong Turn series - then jog on because it's painfully predictable, with a slow buildup to boot. This movie got the attention it did perhaps only because it was a Norwegian product that was actually so similar to American slashers in that mould (read: that it was technically on par with them). There isn't much locational detail either, somethin that would've added curio value to it. Even the soundtrack, which was admittedly pretty decent, was in English.

Perennial wonderment:

Will we ever see better ice-set horror movies than The Thing (1982) and The Shining (1980)? Please drop me a comment for recommended viewin. Hmm that reminds me, I still ain't watched my copy of Bikini Girls On Ice (2009).

"Fuck me, there goes my new nails."

Reminds me of:

See long list above. By the way, the region is called Jotunheimen and that makes me think of a painted pussy.

Most memorable line:

None.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Committed performance by the cast but unfortunately nothin terribly compellin here. Watch the sequel - it bears the rare cinematic distinction of bein actually better than the first movie. Must be a Norwegian thing - it sure never happens in Hollywood.

Bonus material:

Director & scribe Roar Uthaug empowers Ingrid Bolsø Berdal.

The Grey (2012)

Don't you have a Jedi mind trick we could use, Liam?

At a glance:

We all thought it was Taken (2008) with wolves, didn't we? Based on the short story Ghost Walker by Ian Mackenzie Jeffers, The Grey (2012) is Joe Carnahan's supposed January lame duck which turned out victorious at the North American box office, deliverin its upstart distributor Open Road Films a first No.1, while in Malaysia our friends at Rainfilm (formerly Platinum Pictures) can only hope to emulate its success. We can at least be surprised at the cool alternative poster they put up at GSC Tropicana City, though other distributors should complain about how they managed some extended shows despite only sneakin, especially a Wednesday 9pm show on the eve of its general release. The film is pretty straightforward - veteran badass Liam Neeson (pic) leads a team of stranded oil rig men against some unseen wolves (animatronic puppets, live trained animals & CGI cover-ups) when their plane crashes into the middle of the cold nowhere.

Bad news on the doorstep:

This was a guy who REALLY liked the film.

It's not really an action movie but rather an adventure thriller and survival drama like The Edge (1997), though not as satisfyin. Also, it was quite the mindfuck because [spoiler to follow] the audience is on trial - if you left before the coda after the end credits, you see a different endin - and it's almost as if the film's intention is to match you with the kind of endin you deserve to see!

Reminds me of:

Alive (1993), that movie about the Uruguayan rugby team that were stranded in the Andes and had to eat each other's butts to survive. Also, the recurrent flashbacks of a woman in the film reminds me of the real life demise of Natasha Richardson, the actress wife Neeson lost to a skiiin accident.

I can't remember if I cried:

When I read about how an overzealous fan tattooed the poem from the movie onto his arm and sent it to the movie's Facebook fan page here.

Most memorable line:

The poem, of course. It reads: Once more into the fray. Into the last good fight I'll ever know. Live and die on this day. Live and die on this day.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Three stars for not resortin to Twilight-type wolves and keepin the animals comfortably hidden. On a side note, there is a level of artistry in its despondent narrative. Still, I bet audiences think this movie talks too much. Can't decide how much was censored because of its choppy editin.

Trailer for the curious:

Bonus:

Here's a pic of the Malaysian poster visual bein displayed at Cathay Damansara in Malaysia, courtesy of me mate Adam. My wife thought it was gonna be a werewolf movie like Twilight.