The Tattooist (2007)

"So, can you really tattoo all the lyrics to Johnny Cash's Ring Of Fire around my anus?"

At a glance:

Remember this ambitious project that even had Singaporean premier Lee Hsien Loong at its Auckland launch with his then NZ counterpart Helen Clark? It was supposed to be the start of a sexy new Singapore-New Zealand deal for Eyeworks Touchdown and Mediacorp Raintree. Two pictures were announced, this Samoan-inspired yarn and next up was Altar, about an Asian child embryo ghost. I don't think it got that far.
Bad news on the doorstep:

Jason Behr & Mia Blake.

Local lad Peter Burger shot The Tattooist with only a few TV dramas to his directorial credit, while the boys who brought us Black Sheep (2006) wrote the story. I like tattoos, so one would think that fanboy enthusiasm would've added more spice to this story about an American guy who visits a tattoo expo in Singapore and steals a Samoan tattooin tool en route to New Zealand to learn more about the craft. Complete with possession, spirits, sex and Samoan rituals, the movie looks like a special interest winner on paper. However, onscreen it all goes pear-shaped. The audience cannot help but feel shortchanged when a horror movie is as half-hearted as this. The gore is substandard, the spooks are recycled and the sex isn’t even there. As far as special effects are concerned, there is nothing original about the movie. If anythin, the inked demon in The Tattooist looks inferior to the oiled demon in Orang Minyak (2007)!

Caroline Cheong doin her best impression of a CFM face.

Caroline Cheong appeared in this
movie and then slipped into oblivion.

Perennial wonderment:

Seems Jason Behr is incapable of appearin in a good movie. Malaysians who saw him last in B-grade vampire flick Skinwalkers (2006) would know what I mean. It was also a good thing that distributors put the plug on his D-War (2007) before the universally rubbished fantasy effort made its way to Malaysian screens. His two-tone face of stone has been stretched enough to feign the talent that he hasn’t got; and it's still lookin as bad as ever if you check out his CV on IMDb.

Reminds me of:

A New Zealand movie called The Ferryman (2007) but that was actually spooky.

"Err... Your twitching anus
is making it smudge."

Watch out for:

Caroline Cheong who used to play Lynette Khoo on Singaporean TV's popular Phua Chu Kang. What is she up to these days? Also, there's Mia Blake’s character, someone related to a gang of Samoans who hates any palagi (white man?) who wants to “get down with the brown”.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
The Tattooist has one advantage – it gives an insight into little-filmed New Zealand subculture. There seems to be a genuine attempt to get the details culturally correct and that lends a somewhat authentic feel to the movie. However, if you’re into hard-hittin stuff, you wouldn’t feel left out if you gave this a miss. Two and a half stars.

Trailer for the curious:

Men In White (2007) @ 鬼啊!鬼啊!

At a glance:
Remember this crap? Men In White (note that two of the ghosts are actually women) mope about in an abandoned apartment, livin off mouldy oranges and grilled pork offerings. Our ghoulish misfits include, amongst others, the Hip-Kwan-Do (don't ask) gangsta-rappin twins played by Xavier Teo and Ben Yeung, a naggin old madam (Alice Lim), a young girl (Ling Lee, pic) and an obsessive badminton player (Shaun Chen). Stuck in a state of limbo and bored brainless, the lot of them go harassin the livin.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Told chapter by chapter (e.g. can ghosts fall in love?) in what must be an attempt to provide some semblance of structure, it first appears promisin. Soon, it just breezes by like a flurry of sketches, never havin somethin significant to say. If indeed insignificance is the very point, then I'd argue that even as light entertainment, it doesn't have that engagin quality which endears you to it. Contemporaries like Scary Movie 3 might have been infinitely shallower than this, but at least there are scenes we remember for a particular quality. The most arrestin this movie ever got was when the MTV clips came on because the songs were actually quite catchy.
Perennial wonderment:
Kelvin Tong (the only Singaporean director whom I can attest to be a nice guy), found early success with his horror hit The Maid but here he shot off in as many directions he could, all at once. Employin a young cast of pretty faces not mainly known for their actin, he's managed to create an image for this film which invites you to speculate on its content. Infused with a particular blend of Hokkien, English, Cantonese and Mandarin dialogue which is exclusive to people who live in conditions where they hear all four, one does feel that the target audience is restricted to only the two Chinese diaspora on either side of the causeway. It's a good thing Tong went on to shoot a decent horror in Rule #1 and we're now waitin for his Kidnapper, due 2010.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?Men In White doesn't cut it as a rewardin social commentary. It isn't purely slapstick comedy either. What it does feel like is a well-financed, independent pilot episode of what could be a weekly half-an-hour sitcom series, reekin of esoteric Singaporeana and forever lost in translation to those who can't figure out why car accidents and 4D opportunities are so hilarious. With its overdone personalities and uneven execution, Men In White never took itself seriously. We shouldn't either.

Macabre (2009) @ Darah @ Rumah Dara

Macabre: Shareefa Daanish goes after Julie Estelle, Patrick Bateman-style.

At a glance:
Some people like Mo Bros Timo Tjajanto and Kimo Stamboel take the term bloodbath very, very literally. They directed this Indon slasher with a script so soaked in blood, you'll have to check your clothes for stains when exitin the cinema. Macabre a.k.a. Rumah Dara a.k.a. Darah is an intriguin expansion of a 2007 short by the same duo, also starrin Shareefa Daanish as Ibu Dara, a hollow-eyed, kebaya-clad immortal fiend whose preferred method of execution is by electric chainsaw, American Psycho style. This unusual image is the most marketable aspect of the indie flick and it's no wonder she picked up some award for it, despite the performance being laughably one-dimensional. She even upstages Julie Estelle by appearin solo in the poster for Singapore's release. Story? A party of six decide to drop off a troubled young lady at her home, en route to Jakarta. Turns out they're lured into a spooky colonial home with a family who keeps a terrible secret and our lucky lot just walked right into the jackpot.

London-born Indonesian actress Shareefa Daanish.

Bad news on the doorstep:
Clunky dialogue, pacin issues, uneven camerawork.
Perennial wonderment:
Why don't Indon horrors go for the jugular like this one did? Darah rated M18 by the MDA, differs from films of the same ilk because it intentionally takes only token care of character development. It also boasts a remarkable prolonged climax, reminiscent of exploitation flicks of yesteryear where overkill is the way to go. In terms of actin, Kuntilanak girls Julie Estelle and Imelda Therinne show nothing special while the rest of the cast get killed off just in time before they started gettin real irritatin. A wet t-shirt or two couldn't have hurt in a horror movie like this, but since we didn't get that, their uneventful, generic performances are particularly glarin. The paedophilic-lookin, bespectacled killer (Ruly Lubis) and the Edward Cullen wannabe (Arifin Putra) are extra minions who have spin-off potential.
Reminds me of:
Jap classic Odishon, Robert Rodriguez' From Dusk To Dawn, that senseless gorefest Feast and the most recent blood-soaked movie I watched, Eden Lake.
Watch out for:
Battle Of The Bitches finale, see pic above.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
So outrageously OTT, they banned it in Malaysia apparently. You can read online that Darah is the first pic from Gorylah Pictures, a new genre label by Eric Khoo of Zhao Wei Films and Mike Wiluan of Infinite Frameworks, focusin on South East Asian horror stories. Decent start for a low budget flick. Hope they're on their way to make many more.★★★