The Haunted Dollhouse (2013)

Tranny cop sex: Just in case you're not confused enough in The Haunted Dollhouse (2013).

At a glance:

Wanna take it out and check if I'm anatomically correct?

At first, I thought this 2013 omnibus horror from Full Moon Features is actually Devildolls (2012) because the latter lists it as an alternative title and most items on its IMDb page seem to check out. When I discover that none of the vignettes match the synopses of the movies they were apparently culled from i.e. Demonic Toys a.k.a Dangerous Toys (1992), Ragdoll (1999) and Doll Graveyard (2005), I realise it's actually a completely new release, but again, culled from other Full Moon movies! Anyway, I'm glad to know that producer and director Charles Band is still goin strong. In all fairness, at least the doll theme is legit, so the package does do what it says on the tin. The first part, culled from Skull Heads (2009), is called The Protectors and is about some thievin con artists who pretend to be Hollywood filmmakers on a location recce, so as to loot an old Italian castle, but soon discover they're up against some skeletal creatures who can zap dead people into zombies. The second story, culled from Dangerous Worry Dolls (2008), is about the superstitious practice of worry dolls, set against a women-in-prison backdrop. The last story, Demonic Toys, is culled from Dollman vs. Demonic Toys (1993) and I couldn't even tell you what goes on here because I was already too confused to follow after the second story.

Jessica Morris has nice eyes. Oh, the CGI skull dolls are cool too!

Bad news on the doorstep:

Yep, we have a bad case of over-packaged under-editin here. Characters zoom by, emotions change all too easily from scene to scene and your understandin of events oscillate accordingly.

Perennial wonderment:

Nothin to wonder here. It's obvious that blatant repackaged anthologies like these should serve only as a callin card for us to look up the originals from which they were culled. It's definitely preferable to have endured a bad movie in its entirety than to have seen only parts of a potentially good movie, so imagine havin to watch mere parts of movies that are probably bad in the first place!

Robin Sydney with barely any plot or clothes to work with.

Reminds me of:

All the times I watched those Chucky movies. Did you know that the fear of dolls is called pediophobia? Well, better a pediophobe than a paedophile, eh?

I can't remember if I cried:

When this palm-sized chick in a bikini starts screamin even before she turns around to see what she was supposed to be afraid of. Ah, Melissa Behr. Who cares if you can't act when you look so good still?

Dry humping your elderly servant while she's cooking in the kitchen.

Most memorable line:

How often do you hear someone say the word "obstreperous" in a horror movie? This sure is some FUBAR shit goin on here.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Feeling fucked yet?

Culture Crypt nails it: "Remember the heyday of Blockbuster Video, when a new Full Moon release meant hands that eagerly clutched a VHS tape with excited anticipation to see not only the movie, but the ahead-of-their-time Videozone segments that played after the film? Those days are over. They have been over for several years, in fact.  The exact beginning of Full Moon’s decline is difficult to pinpoint. One top candidate for that dubious honor may be their predilection for filming two movies at the same time when in actuality they were splitting one cohesive story into two separate films (see Trancers 4 and Trancers 5 for an example). Now, like Devildolls before it, Charles Band attains a new low in fan exploitation by presenting an 'anthology' that is actually three truncated versions of previous Full Moon films cobbled together into one semi-coherent disappointment." Go there for what I consider to be the most definitive review on this unfortunate movie, if you even could call it that.★★
Bonus material:

Melissa Behr has a stunning body. Wonder what she's up to these days?

Milf (2010)

Wild things: Jack Cullison samples Amy Lindsay's MILF mounds.

At a glance:

Welcome to the motherload and the world of overripe melons, brought to you by the director of Sharkalanche (2013), Scott Wheeler, and the mockbuster producers behind Sharknado (2013), The Asylum. After failing romantically with girls their own age, a group of nerdy male college students discover the excitement of hookin up with sexy older women, often referred to as MILFs. Lifelong best friends Brandon (Jack Cullison) and Anthony (Philip Marlatt) as well as their geek/gamer friends Nate (Joseph Booton) and Ross (Ramon Camacho) succeed beyond their wildest dreams as they boink mature lady after mature lady. However, when Brandon gets slightly too attached to Anthony’s sexually active mother (Amy Lindsay), their whole scheme begins to fall apart.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Amy Lindsay and Molinee Green in Milf (2010).

Peppered with boob shots throughout all 88 minutes, the proceedings are more banal than the last overmilked American Pie addition, the unbearable American Reunion (2012). In fact, there's one scene that does seems inspired from the popular degenerate series and it's probably the highlight of this otherwise pedestrian effort. Simply not enough entertainment value here to make you stick to the screen, so your best bet is to leave this on the telly while other things happen in the room.

After school homework.

Perennial wonderment:

Is it true that the Korean-American actor John Cho made popular the word MILF through the American Pie movies? So before the 1999 release of the first flick, the Moro Islamic Liberation Front must've been a badass Muslim rebel group that couldn't sell any t-shirts.

Reminds me of:

Cougars Inc. (2011) and Cougar Hunting (2011). Yes, I watched them. I must hate myself. However, what I hate more than myself is the annoyin English bloke in this movie who seems to be modelled after Seann William Scott's Stifler in the American Pie movies, with none of the watchable charm.

"Hey Johnny, I'm doing something you did when you were just a baby!"

I can't remember if I cried:

The co-ed love interest (Jamie Bernadette) looks older than all the MILFs. How does that work?

Most memorable line:

"What? We're in college now. I'm now officially one year older than she was when she birthed you." and "Hey man, if anybody was gonna be sleepin' with my mum, I'm glad it was you." That's the level of writin you can in sex comedies of this generation, I reckon.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

"Hurrah! We finished watching the movie!"

The MILFs aren't even stunners. Jog on, fellas. Go watch Revenge Of The Nerds (1984) instead.★
Bonus material:
Here are some tits, so you can skip the movie.

Porn star Molinee Green drops her towel.

The Forbidden Girl (2013)

Luscious Jytte-Merle Böhrnsen goes batshit occult as The Forbidden Girl (2013).

At a glance:

They even managed a nipple on the poster!
You lucky little nipple you!

Marketed as "a supernatural 3D mystery thriller in the vein of Dracula and The Others", European Motion Pictures / Shoreline Entertainment's ambitious German product The Forbidden Girl (2013) is a dissonant mess that I suspect hardly got shopped, since they didn't even bother to complete buildin the official website. They did manage a DVD release though, so we do get to see it. It's a low-budget horror-fantasy in English and with a nipple or two thrown in, just like those old Italian flicks that have become a cult classic. The convoluted story centres on a young fella named Toby (Peter Gadiot) who is released from a nuthouse after several years and lands himself a job at an old castle, tutorin a nubile nympho named Laura (Jytte-Merle Böhrnsen in the titular role) who just happens to look exactly like the ex-girlfriend he lost to some mysterious werewolf creature ages ago. There's also an old lady (Jeanette Hain) in the house who gets younger by the day and her creepy loyal butler Mortimer (Klaus Tange) who likes to eat bugs and wield axes. Apparently Till Hastreiter, a TVC director who teaches low budget filmmakin in Third World countries for the cultural body Goethe, got the SFX guys from Martin Scorsese's Hugo (2012) to do this over three years in a self-built studio in a Berlin backyard.

Roger Tebb: "All love is forbidden from now until the day you die."

Bad news on the doorstep:

Beautifully photographed but sorely lackin an emotional centre, not to mention some jarrin elements that simply don't sit well together e.g. characters that seem to belong to different times and different cultures! The leadin lady Jytte-Merle Louisa Böhrnsen treats us to her topless delights every now and then but the movie is neither sexy nor sensual -- just a lot of meticulous framin and colour correction!

Perennial wonderment:

Is it true that there simply aren't enough 3D movies to fill all the word's 3D screens? A statement from the distributor insists that "even a moderate budget production has a very high chance of going theatrical in the U.S and the rest of the world now" when it comes to the lucrative new format and that's why they gambled on the movie. Hmm... that would explain why this movie scantly had a need to be in 3D !

Reminds me of:

Jytte-Merle Böhrnsen and Peter Gadiot in The Forbidden Girl (2013).

That other 3D horror dud, Dario Argento's Dracula (2013) reupdate. The story unfolds just as slow as that Nightwing movie Imaginaerum (2012).

I can't remember if I cried:

When I realised I had to rewind this from time to time because I keep zonin out of the conversations. There goes the night, havin watched yet another B-movie to torture myself.

Most memorable line:

"By your powers combined... I am Forbidden Girl!"

There are lines in this movie like "It's cool to try new things, right?" and "She does look like me -- only the hair sucks." Talk about turn-offs!

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Theatrical, talky and too much of an effort. The more interestin the visuals got, the further away from the story we drifted. Should be cut up and despatched as multiple Marilyn Manson music videos. However, I wouldn't go so far as to say it's unwatchable. Special mention goes to makeup artist Emilia Seifert.★★
Bonus material:

Lucky Bastard (2013)

Betsy Rue goes full frontal as porn primadonna Ashley Saint in Lucky Bastard.

Coming to shoot or shooting to come?

At a glance:

Here's a welcome break from your Fuck Team Five and Dorm Invasion downloads. Just when you thought there can't be any more variations of the over-saturated found footage subgenre, filmmaker Robert Nathan's unheralded Lucky Bastard (2013) scores in more ways than one. This little low-budget project had no right to be much better than the shyte I've been siftin through in recent months but it is. After a rather unnecessary prologue, we're let in on what we understand to be a video recordin of an adult shoot in an L.A. mansion gone wrong, involvin veteran porn producer Mike (Don McManus), his ditsy muse and porn star wannabe Casey (Catherine Annette), his bitchy top-liner Ashley Saint (Betsy Rue) and a rather unbalanced young stranger (Jay Paulson) whom they hired for one of those fan-fuck episodes. Movie title is in reference to the sleazy website that hosts them.

Not a comedy but Betsy Rue and Jay Paulson revisit American Pie shortcomings.

A nod to Silvia Saint?

Bad news on the doorstep:

Well, I don't reckon I have too much to complain about a well-conceived movie as indie as this. Lucky Bastard keeps it tight and enjoys a committed, believable cast with sound character exposition throughout, maintainin credible tension long after its sloppy contemporaries have fizzled out. I'd have preferred a little more emphasis on the darker themes but perhaps that would've made it a different movie.

Perennial wonderment:

Don't people keep cuttin and resubmittin until they can get an R ratin these days?
Reminds me of:
You don't wanna know.

Watch out for:

Too tied up to talk to me about the dangers of gay sex?

Don McManus as Mike hits all the right notes, a character that Abbie Bernstein for Assignment X describes as "a very recognizable Hollywood type, glib and proficient, with glints of pain and weariness peeking through the smooth exterior." Amusin that the last two items on his CV that I could recognise are both related to adult entertainment - Lovelace (2013) and For A Good Time, Call... (2012).

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

An effective cheap story. This could be easily remade by a big studio as an R-rated wide release... or it could even be remade as a bona fide XXX movie by Reality Kings! Go check out the trailer. ★★1/2
Bonus material:
All photos taken from the Lucky Bastard official website and Facebook fan page.

Director & co-writer Robert Nathan, co-writer Lukas Kendall,
actors Don McManus & Betsy Rue. L.A. premiere. 5 Apr 2013.

Money Shot (2013) @ Agua Caliente

Kristina Page, Jessica Sonneborn, Jennifer Kristin Cox and Bill McAdams Jr.

Early keyart before retitling.

At a glance:

Self-indulgent T&A indie comedy Money Shot a.k.a. Agua Caliente (2013) is probably a dream come true for its writer, director and star Bill McAdams Jr. The story, should you choose to endure it, is about a D-list producer and his hedonistic film crew who are forced to shoot a sleazy movie after they unwisely partied their budget away, failin which they will face the wrath of his violent, no-nonsense financier uncle.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Well, this is a good example of the sort of movie you make for you and your circle of 500 friends to watch. It's actually rated R but unfortunately tamer than some sex chat informercials you might see on late night telly. If you've got a lot of time on your hands and insist on watchin it despite havin sat through the trailer, then you're probably not goin to be too disappointed.

Budget constraints? Yikes.

Perennial wonderment:

Do we blame The Hangover for movies like these?

Reminds me of:

I just watched Casting Couch (2013) a week or two ago. Can't decide which is more inane.

Yep, it's that kind of movie.

Watch out for:

Jason Mewes (Jay from Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back) and agein wrestler Al Snow cameos.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

As I have written so often lately, I do hope the filmmakers and the cast had themselves a ball, at least. For more information, check out its official website or its Facebook page.★
Bonus material:
Why don't you just look at these movie stills below and amuse yourself for a few minutes, then jog on.

Jessica Sonneborn as Hollywood party girl Lena Starr.
I'm more interested in the sandwich at this point.
Oh, she co-wrote the movie too.

Casting Couch (2013)

Casting Couch offers inane and unintelligent middle class frat humour.

At a glance:

[Insert boring lines here]

Jason Lockhart's Casting Couch (2013) a.k.a. American Lie (workin title) is precisely the kind of white trash mediocrity that passes inane and unintelligent middle class frat humour under the banner of fun-lovin indie T&A teen comedy. The movie, shot like a documentary, is every bit as silly as the plot - Desperate to meet new girls, six down-on-their-luck guys come up with the ultimate plan to hook up - cast a fake movie. When tons of hot chicks show up for the audition, it's a matter of who's willing to go the farthest to get the part.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Sure hope they at least had some fun shooting this trash.

10 minutes in, you'd realise that you're better off watchin Jackass reruns or straight porn, I'd say. Justin Smith, the narratin actor with the most screen time, is unfortunately dull and unfunny. There ain't enough skin to make the fast forward worthwhile, even. I can't imagine the most inebriated pothead sittin through this DVD in its entirety.

Perennial wonderment:

Why does it exist?

Reminds me of:

Pedestrian efforts like American Reunion (2012) and any of them dreadful Judd Apatow comedies, except those have some measure of merit.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Watch the trailer on its official website and forget about it. Insufferable drivel, really.★
Bonus material:

Top Ten Best Boobage 2012

I've seen me maybe 200 movies this year and these are the best, most gloriously distracting breasts I've come across, compiled for your gawking pleasure.

If you're disappointed I've left out what you believe to me a most deserving entry, do leave me a comment!                                                                     [click to enlarge]

10. Dania Ramirez in Premium Rush (2012)

9. Lana Nordin in Chow Kit (2012)

8. Brooklyn Decker in Battleship (2012)

7. Kaitlyn Leeb in Total Recall (2012)

6. Jo Yeo-jeong 조여정 in The Emperor's Concubine (2012)

5. Blake Lively in Savages (2012)

3. Genesis Rodriguez in Man On A Ledge (2012)

2. Bérénice Marlohe in Skyfall (2012)

1. Gemma Arterton in Byzantium (2012)

Special mention:

"Here's a panda, cover up your nipples!"

Ain't seen the movie CZ12 yet but Mainland actress Yao Xing Tong  姚星彤 has been touring the world showing off her boobs. She came to the Toronto International Film Fest earlier in the year in a sheer white dress and Jackie Chan handed her a stuffed panda to cover up her nipples but it was too late. A few days ago, she came to the KL premiere with a plunging gown that left little to the imagination.