The Texas Roadside Massacre (2012)

Marina Resa does what it says on the tin in Roadside Massacre (2013).

"Where's my nincompoop casting agent?"

At a glance:

I wish I could give you more backstory about Scott Kirkpatrick's immediately trivial-soundin Roadside Massacre (2012) -- which is released on DVD and VOD in the U.K. as The Texas Roadside Massacre -- but I think the movie failed to get to a bigger audience and the official website had already expired. Anyway it's a micro-budget slasher about five college friends who take a detour and end up in the remote mountain town of Blueridge, where Karen (Marina Resa) believes her older sister went missin two years ago. After a few odd encounters with the locals, people go missin and shit starts hittin the fan -- apparently it has somethin to do with Jimmy's Rib Shack, the local barbie joint.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Good times.

Well, I'm not sure whether they didn't have the finances or the editin talent for it - but they can't seem to shoot even a simple car accident. A lot of action either happens offscreen or happens in a way that makes you wonder if it happened at all! I guess Roadside mostly suffers from a story has been done to death, not to mention how the birds in it aren't particularly lookers, nor do they dress (or undress) to compensate for it.

Perennial wonderment:

While the narrative is actually sound and you can follow all 80 minutes of it, I again wonder why people would feel compelled to go forward on so little. Ain't we seen this hicksploitation template a hundred times over? A dream's a dream, I guess.

Reminds me of:

Haha - do you have all day?

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Plenty of IMDb shills at work on this one, I see. Ah well, jog on.★★
Bonus material:

It's a teen eat teen world.

The Woman (2011)

"So do you think I need to do in my thighs?"

At a glance:

For best results, read no further than the director's statement I've pasted for you here: “THE WOMAN is an exploration of the very definition of horror. It is designed to incite feelings of fear, shock, nervousness, dismay, anxiety and disgust. It is designed to make you question what it is to be civilized, what it is to be feral and all the shades of gray in between. On a surface level, the film will make you jump, it will make you squirm and, for the more sensitive, it might even induce nausea. It will make you question my intentions in making it, as well as your own desire to watch it." Okay, he might be oversellin but I don't doubt the idea. Yet another fruitful foray into disturbia, scary story writer Jack Ketchum follows up his Offspring (2009) book and movie with filmmaker Lucky McKee (that was shyte, by the way). To think they co-wrote this script and movie tie-in novel together at the same time via instant messenger! It follows that story, pickin up on the fate of the last survivin member of a cannibal clan.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Have you seen Ketchum's equally disturbin earlier story in the movie The Girl Next Door (2007)? It can get a bit self-engrossed. The odd rock music might put you off, too - though I see it was liked enough to be sellin as a soundtrack. Then again, they're even sellin replica The Woman lawn mower blades on Amazon as a horrorphile collectible, so maybe that's not sayin anythin. 

Perennial wonderment:
Pollyanna McIntosh. She makes an illiterate hissin cavewoman so watchable. This role was quite demandin. I think I'll revisit her "smart, sassy and sexy" turn (Empire Magazine) in Brit thriller Exam (2009) after this.

"Okay! Okay! I'm Scottish!"

Reminds me of:

Day Of The Woman a.k.a. I Spit On Your Grave (1978) and Thriller: A Cruel Picture (1974).

I can't remember if I cried:

When our friend gets some

Most memorable line:

Arrrghh. Euuuww. Grrrrr. Hisssss. Eeeek.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Three stars for knowin what it wants to achieve. This is way better than the first Offspring (2009) because there's less talk and more action. A fable dripped in misandry and violence. Put the kids to sleep and enjoy. 

Trailer for the curious:

Bonus material:

Do we look like a well-adjusted, cereal-eatin suburban family to you?

"That's it! I've had it with your bra-burnin, bushy-armpit feminists!"

"So... do you shave?"

"Gimme some shampoo or I'll drive this through your stomach."

"I don't really think this outfit looks good on me."

"Can you make her uglier around the mouth, please?"

Cannibal Holocaust (1980)

At a glance:
Shock torture porn, semi-docu style, but not without some critical importance. Pic seems to work because there is a real and substantial mockery of civilised society here, interlaced with plenty of explicit imagery of bizarre sexual acts, tribal rituals and graphic animal slaughter, which are all pretty darn interestin if you ask a sick fuck like me. Much talked about by those who're into extreme cinema.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Banned in its native Italy and a few others upon release, the movie is still controversial today. Some countries have since lifted the ban, some won't. No surprise there when you read that they dropped murder charges against director Ruggero Deodato only after he explained the SFX behind how the girl was impaled in one scene (pic). This was because the actors signed contracts agreein they'd disappear and keep low profiles so that people might really believe they died while makin a documentary in the jungle, which is part of the story. You might find many versions to download. Watched mine on an original R3 Thai disc.
Reminds me of:
Anthony Wong in Ebola Syndrome. Haha. On another note, director was reportedly pissed off at similar movies like Blair Witch Project and The Last Broadcast, which didn't cite enough referential credit to his movie.
Watch out for:
The celebrated scene that teaches you how to process a turtle for dinner. Sure makes you think twice about terrapin soup from now on, doesn't it?
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Four stars. I was quite entertained, especially with Riz Ortolani's amazin score. Even that culture goldfish numbnuts Johan remembers the music. Man also scored Mondo Cane.
Trailer for the curious: