Ragin' Cajun Redneck Gators (2013)

THANKS REDNECK GATORS! : Victor Webster coppin' a feel of Jordan Hinson.

At a glance:

Yep, it's really happening.

The unapologetic Syfy story Ragin' Cajun Redneck Gators (2013) is what you get when several hungover writers eat a bad slice of pizza and decide that Romeo and Juliet desperately needs to be retold against a backdrop of rednecks, werewolf-like alligators, and rednecks who turn into werewolf-like alligators. Too much for you to process, huh? The pair of star-cross'd lovers who want to take your life here with a single jaw-droppin viewin, in case the gators don't, are Jordan Hinson and Victor Webster, as they ride out this preposterous but not altogether un-fun creature feature. The official synopsis reads: "When a family of Louisiana moonshiners dumps a bad batch of ‘shine in a swamp, the gators begin to mutate! They grow stronger, meaner, and more dangerous as they terrorize the bayou."

Bad news on the doorstep:

Unlike other naysayers who tell you that the actin in here is simply atrocious, I'll tell you that each and every actor actually takes it seriously and nobody is short of respectably convincin at any one point. It's just that the animated threats look so painfully fake, leadin to an acute loss of character investment, even though the movie doesn't ask to be taken too seriously. This was also the biggest problem I had in tryin to finish watchin Sharknado (2013) and other Syfy spawns with similar formulae.

Perennial wonderment:

How about you spare my life and I'll put you in Gatornado?

Are rubber suits preferable to bad CGI for monster movies like this one? I remember watchin a horrible movie called Hydra (2009) in which the character reacts to an invisible force because the green screen work just ain't the best. That doesn't happen in Ragin' Cajun Redneck Gators but I still feel embarrassed watchin it all the same. Yet, I secretly (and genuinely) wish I could get paid to write screenplays like these. The endless fun I would have.

Reminds me of:

Texan beauty Jordan Hinson was the little girl who was forced Munchausen's by proxy in the enjoyable direct-to-video caper Glass House: The Good Mother (2006). Boy, has she grown. She's found success on TV with Eureka but I don't watch TV so I won't know.

I can't remember if I cried:

A self-defecatin redneck pleads: "Can we at least wait until the place ain't jumpin' with gators? Because I got the heebie-jeebies and I ain't even know what the heebie-jeebies is."

Most memorable line:

"I was goin crazy here. I want somethin' more to life than drinkin' and huntin'. If I stayed here, I'd end up barefoot and pregnant, sittin' front of a porch, swattin' mosquitoes."

Watch out for:

This actress croaks as if the cancer from her smoking is infecting the air.By far the most interesting character. Is her name Amy Brassette?

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Undemanding audiences.

Well-marketed backwater entertainment for undemandin audiences, with a dash of humour and some pretty good music, too. Hell, they even left somethin in there for sequel ambitions.★1/2

Bonus material:

CG you later, alligator!

Thale (2012)

Sought this one out on the strength of this visual alone. Wotta sight!

At a glance:

Thale (pronounced TOH-LUH?) is an impressive indie effort built on Norse mythology (recent fare ranges from Thor to Troll Hunter), from which director Alexander Nordaas serves original tale. He was at hand at the recent Toronto International Film Festival to introduce the movie and share that it was apparently shot with just US$10k on a camera cheaper than a Canon 5D, just one lens throughout. We follow two crime scene cleaners (Jon Sigve Skard, Erlend Nervold) who stumble upon a spectacular discovery - a wild creature called huldra. Think naked blonde mermaid, minus fins, plus tail.

Bad news on the doorstep:

I didn't mind the cartoonish creatures, as most critics did. The most expensive CG work wouldn't have elevated this much. However, I did find it too slow meanderin at times. Could do with a few more edits and should've definitely focused on the magic of the animal and the dynamics of the relationships that follow.

Perennial wonderment:

Silje Reinåmo as the titular forest nymph. Would ya, could ya? I don't know, mate.

Reminds me of:

The Woman (2011), Deadgirl (2008) and The Girl Next Door (2007) but without the mythical spin, of course.

Most memorable line:

None - that's the problem.
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I think the strength of this movie lies in its clean, disquietin visuals but lacks a compellin story arc that would've made the movie more important. Robert Bell of Exclaim points out, "exposition and clumsy character development define the central mystery, with the occasional female castration and image of a mutilated ersatz vagina sewn up reminding us that the theme is all about female subjugation, as exacerbated by the naked woman running about stuffing food into her mouth like a wild animal". The misogyny is picked up on, among others, by Dread Central's Serena Whitney who warns that "those expecting Thale to be a frightening creature feature will be sorely disappointed as the title character is treated more like a mythical hermaphrodite than the lethal siren the trailer makes her out to be. Although there is no doubt that the director intended on making a weirdly touching and emotional film about the kindness of strangers in a callous world, it oddly comes off very contrived and substantially sexist at parts as the one thing that gives Thale power is her cow tail (which is undeniably phallic); and once it’s cut off, she is weak, frail and helpless until the two awkward male protagonists come to save her, conveying to (at least) female viewers everywhere that all a woman needs to build up the strength lying within is to have a man rescue her." I don't have the insight to appreciate that but it definitely fell short emotionally. Here's hopin that the director will attract investment for better movies from him in the future. For more information go visit the official Thale website or its corresponding Facebook page.★★1/2
Bonus material:

Some kinda dance gimmick for the movie's promo at Colosseum Kino, Norway.

Hydra (2009)

"Should I look to the left of the green screen or to the right, Mr Director?"

At a glance:
Hot damn. Cinetel Films' Hydra is a humourless, C-grade creature feature with millionaires, ex-Marines, dumb blondes, uncharted islands and even a little Greek mythology. Some psycho businessman rounds up a couple of billionaires who have all lost a loved one; and puts them on an island to hunt cons as game. Of course, they had no idea that the island would just happen to be the archaeological site where Mr. Hercules left behind his sword and a live hydra for company.

Dawn Olivieri stars in Hydra.

Bad news on the doorstep:
You might not get past the first five minutes, where the CGI hydra already appears, to comical disbelief. Sometimes they aren't even placed too well and you can see the actors lookin elsewhere when the hydra is strikin. Haha. Try watchin it on fast forward like I did.
Perennial wonderment:
If I can stop watchin bad movies for fun. As I watched this movie, my mind wandered so far away and I was fantasisin about whether havin a hydra cock can be a good thing i.e. if I behead my cock and two grow in its place?

"Hey, you might make more off this hand than your entire salary for the movie!"

Reminds me of:
The last time I watched a C-grade creature feature. Pteradactyl (2005).
Watch out for:
The hydra. It evaporates when cauterised.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Polly Shannon, Jana Williams, Dawn Olivieri, Dwayne Adway, Diego Villarreal Garcia, Ed Blinn, Michael Miranda and Philip Moon. Do you know who these actors are? Beats me. Okay for a laugh, I guess.★