Gerimis Mengundang (2012)

"Aha! Now the boys will believe I had me some Danish pastry."

At a glance:

Boy is this piss poor movie. The title Gerimis Mengundang (Malay literal: "drizzle invites"), also a theatre play earlier in the year, is a nod to the '96 hit ballad from Malay rock band SLAM (not coincidentally, the lead character is named Zamani after the band's frontman). Story? Indonesian ambassador's daughter nearly decapitates Sabah Air pilot in a Kota Kinabalu jet ski mishap but obviously romance must blossom, stretchin the requisite 90-minute runtime.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Managin a meagre RM 220,000 at the Malaysian screens accordin to the FINAS jokers, this is likely the worst Malay movie I've survived since 2 Alam (2010) and I do feel sorry for its scribe Azwan Annuar, a nice guy whom I know. It plays out like an encyclopaedia of moviemakin errors for film students to take note of. Its amateurish editin, invasive music score and total disregard for a need of Act I, Act II etc. are horrific, but nothin is more terrifyin than the completely non-existent chemistry between the two leads, which trumps even the travesty of Joey Exist and Julie Ziegler in Toyol Nakal (2011) accordin to one review. There is no reason to believe they love each other, hate each other or even have met each other - maybe they shot them separately with a green screen!

"Fuck me, I can't believe I'm wearing the ugliest jacket in the world for this movie."

Perennial wonderment:

Henny Yuliani and Dhitra Marfie,
who looks like my friend, Kurt.

Why do they bother with these collaborations? Are there tax reasons? Silly serumpun sentiments? Add this entry to the recent spate of Malaysian films with strong Indonesian input: Christine Hakim, Dian Sastro and Slamet Rahardjo in Puteri Gunung Ledang (2004), Teuku Zacky in Kayangan (2007), Tamara Bleszyński in Cicakman 2 (2008), Samuel Rizal in the appallin Sayang (You Can Dance) (2009), Revalina Temat in Cintaku Forever (2007) and not to mention other suspect movies like Diva (2007) and Tipu Kanan, Tipu Kiri (2008).

Reminds me of:

It's got a scene or two at the Sutera Harbour Resort, a beautiful place I once stayed.

I can't remember if I cried:

"Hmm. I wonder what this button does..."

After you've forgiven Kamal Adli for the ugly black jacket he wears in the movie and his longtime real-life model girlfriend Intan Ladyana for not givin him much wardrobe sense, let's get to his actin. He had publicly admitted he was out of his depth for the theatre adaptation so I'm afraid how bad that must've been because in this movie, he's pretty rubbish. To think this Aku Ada Kau Ada (2012) actor was even Pelakon Harapan nominee sometime ago for his role in Niyang Rapik (2010). He's all over the place here, with a comically illogical character arc that leaves us gigglin each time. There's even a scene of him cartwheelin across vege stalls while chasin a thief in Kota Kinabalu's Filipino Market. O my days, who should be shot - the action director or Kamal Adli?

Olivia Jensen: Decked in sinuangga and tapi,
Kadazan gear never had a hotter, whiter model.

Watch out for:

Olivia Lubis Jensen, the Copenhagen-born, 19-year-old lolita of Danish-Indonesian descent. She put in a remarkably mature contribution and provided the only reason to finish the film, if you could manage it. Decked in sinuangga and tapi, Kadazan gear probably never had a hotter, whiter model. She's also the only Indonesian in here without the unnatural, overclear baku that plagues the other performances.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Like Indonesian reviewer Daniel Irawan, I think this is a technical disaster of love story template that may have served more as diplomatic downtime between the two squabblin nations. And like my colleague Fadli over at Tontonfilem, I too found Olivia Jensen's snow white thighs to be the sole consolatory highlight of this otherwise putrid film. ★
Bonus material:

See what I mean. Were they even in the same movie?
No chemistry whatsoever.

Barbi3 (2008)

At a glance:
Ngapain sih lu? Nggak ngapa-ngapain kok. Just watchin a stupid movie every now and then to keep it real. Didn't know I'd really hit it though. This is Monty Tiwa's idea of an Indon answer to Mean Girls, where Titi Kamal (centre), Poppy Sovia (left) and Francine Roosenda (right) play the most irritatin wannabe American highschool girls ever.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Titi O Titi, you ain't got much time left. Wonder how her restaurant's doin. Borin, overdone teen plot. Fluff.
Watch out for:
Cathy Sharon as Helen. Like Liv Tyler took Teri Hatcher's lips and turned Indon.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Some decent music, the Melly Goeslaw title track sang by Rossa especially. Unexpected depth in dialogue every now and then. If you buy the VCD, there's a 15-minute featurette at the end to console you. ★★

Macabre (2009) @ Darah @ Rumah Dara

Macabre: Shareefa Daanish goes after Julie Estelle, Patrick Bateman-style.

At a glance:
Some people like Mo Bros Timo Tjajanto and Kimo Stamboel take the term bloodbath very, very literally. They directed this Indon slasher with a script so soaked in blood, you'll have to check your clothes for stains when exitin the cinema. Macabre a.k.a. Rumah Dara a.k.a. Darah is an intriguin expansion of a 2007 short by the same duo, also starrin Shareefa Daanish as Ibu Dara, a hollow-eyed, kebaya-clad immortal fiend whose preferred method of execution is by electric chainsaw, American Psycho style. This unusual image is the most marketable aspect of the indie flick and it's no wonder she picked up some award for it, despite the performance being laughably one-dimensional. She even upstages Julie Estelle by appearin solo in the poster for Singapore's release. Story? A party of six decide to drop off a troubled young lady at her home, en route to Jakarta. Turns out they're lured into a spooky colonial home with a family who keeps a terrible secret and our lucky lot just walked right into the jackpot.

London-born Indonesian actress Shareefa Daanish.

Bad news on the doorstep:
Clunky dialogue, pacin issues, uneven camerawork.
Perennial wonderment:
Why don't Indon horrors go for the jugular like this one did? Darah rated M18 by the MDA, differs from films of the same ilk because it intentionally takes only token care of character development. It also boasts a remarkable prolonged climax, reminiscent of exploitation flicks of yesteryear where overkill is the way to go. In terms of actin, Kuntilanak girls Julie Estelle and Imelda Therinne show nothing special while the rest of the cast get killed off just in time before they started gettin real irritatin. A wet t-shirt or two couldn't have hurt in a horror movie like this, but since we didn't get that, their uneventful, generic performances are particularly glarin. The paedophilic-lookin, bespectacled killer (Ruly Lubis) and the Edward Cullen wannabe (Arifin Putra) are extra minions who have spin-off potential.
Reminds me of:
Jap classic Odishon, Robert Rodriguez' From Dusk To Dawn, that senseless gorefest Feast and the most recent blood-soaked movie I watched, Eden Lake.
Watch out for:
Battle Of The Bitches finale, see pic above.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
So outrageously OTT, they banned it in Malaysia apparently. You can read online that Darah is the first pic from Gorylah Pictures, a new genre label by Eric Khoo of Zhao Wei Films and Mike Wiluan of Infinite Frameworks, focusin on South East Asian horror stories. Decent start for a low budget flick. Hope they're on their way to make many more.★★★

Miracle: Menantang Maut (2007)

"Kill me. I cannot live with the shame of having starred in this movie."

At a glance:
Just caught The Final Destination at Cathay Cineleisure and I thought about this derivative crap I watched a year or two ago. If you missed Helfi CH Kardit's previous Lantai 13 (2007), this is your chance to watch an Indon horror-thriller not directed by Rudi Soedjarwo and associates.

Death by volleyball net.

Bad news on the doorstep:
Don't get your hopes up - it ain't a good movie. Within 15 minutes, any self-respectin horror-thriller fan will scream "remake". Sadly, that's precisely what it is. Havin gotten that out of the way, the film becomes easier to enjoy. However the lack of any original content puts the film among one of the most inconsequential movies you'll ever see in your life. With its pop-rock feel, I would've expected some savin grace. It has a good openin sequence and its tech aspects aren't too embarrassin. There's the wonderful opportunity to invent the latest, most interestin ways for someone to die, as you would any Final Destination rip-off. Fat chance. The only non-generic gruesome death sequence involves a volleyball net; and even that wasn't very good.
Perennial wonderment:
Is it so difficult to film new ways of dyin horribly? I could think of a few. Chokin on taufufa with a syphilitic whore suckin on your knob. Bein impaled by a dildo-shaped USB pen drive. Or a USB pen drive-shaped dildo. How about the syphilitic whore forcin the USB drive through the eye of your knob, post-coitus? Fuck me I'm a genius. How do I send this to Spielberg?
Watch out for:
Lead actress Keira Shabira doesn't really impress me, Arabian-Sundanese blood or not (supposed to spawn very beautiful people). Some of the male cast in this movie are also quite terrible. Might even make you laugh out loud. If only the pretty Nadila Ernesta (Hantu Jembatan Ancol, Kereta Hantu Manggarai) was given a bigger role, this might have worked on sex appeal. I suppose the biggest letdown here is the cast. Most of them are new and can't really act, and only half of them look good for the screen.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Wouldn't recommend this to anyone because it's a completely forgettable film with few advantages. At least Kereta Hantu Manggarai (2008) had girls in skimpy outfits!★
Bonus material:

Mendadak Dangdut (2007)

At a glance:
All you need to make a movie is a gun and a girl - that's what Godard said. Mendadak Dangdut is embarrassingly rudimentary and yet resoundingly satisfyin. While it's guilty of every boo-boo common in those under-financed indie productions, it's amazin to discover that a good story, a handheld camera and some decent actors are all you need to make a movie really.
Watch out for:
My favourite contemporary Indon actress Titi Kamal (pic) and her sidekick Kinaryosih completely ownin the screen in this disarmin little adventure about a spoilt MTV pop-rock starlet and her overworked PR manager sister who get arrested for a crime they didn't commit. On the run, Petris (Titi) disguises herself as a lowly dangdut singer to make some quick money and Yulia (Kinaryosih) helps her through the ordeal. Takin on the stage name Is Maduma (masuk, duduk, mabuk! ) given by the organ player who takes them in (Dwi Sasono), Petris learns the hard way what friendship and family is all about - but not before shakin some good dangdut ass and takin the village by storm.
Most memorable line:
Dwi Sasono said somethin funny about cuttin off knobs.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Four stars, defyin all ratin logic! Hell the Jablai song alone is worth the ticket price. Read that it was the most downloaded ringtone in Indon at some point.

Kereta Hantu Manggarai (2008)

At a glance:
This poor excuse of a movie teaches me nothin new at all, except perhaps the geographical fact that Manggarai is a big train station in Jakarta. Story is supposedly based on a real life train wreck that killed everyone. Looks like they missed the blokes who made this film. Err I don't really mean that but this was quite a chore.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Poor continuity, forgettable characters, aimless plot, cliched FX... I could go on.
Watch out for:
Scenes with tiny girls wearin tiny pink tops, prancin about and rollin around for no apparent reason. Sadly this is the only highlight of the movie.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
One. I'd gladly give another if it would make the studio enough money to buy Sheila Marcia Joseph (pic) a Gillette or two.

Oh Baby (2008)

"Hmm... she could use a good shave."

At a glance:
Teen fluff, full-on vehicle for Indon starlet Cinta Laura Kiehl. Badly needs a shave though. Watching Oh Baby is like a throwback to the Sunday mornings when Saved By The Bell was on Malaysian TV - only that instead of eyein the pleated skirts of Elizabeth Berkley, our attention this time is focused on those of Cinta Laura Kiehl, the 15-year-old Indonesian starlet. Good thing her actin wasn't too shabby then. The hirsute honey is flanked by Ridwan Ghany and Randy Pangalila, who both play her love interests to some level of competence. Of course, a story like this is entirely derivative from any Hollywood highschool shitcom.

The hirsute honey that is Cinta Laura Kiehl

Bad news on the doorstep:
Really forced. Nampak sangat dia saje nak buat cerita promo Cinta Laura kao-kao. Dancin was only token. Story painfully predictable.
Perennial wonderment:
Why is it so hard to get hold of young, not-there-yet semi-celebs? Can't believe I actually called Jakarta to get her agent mum to arrange an interview. But glad I had to chance to say selamat siang - always wanted to use that.
Reminds me of:
Honey (2003) but the titless Cinta Laura is no Jessica Alba. She is also well-known for often sayin the most mind-bogglin things to the Indonesian media on record. Perhaps that's why it works! Cinta Laura Kiehl is completely refreshin to watch, although her dancin here is not as good as we would have thought. Granted she's not Alba but honey, move them hips more! The girl bluffed her way through 90 odd minutes of clever editin without really needin to show much groove. Shame!

"Hit me baby one more time!"

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Dua, cukup? Soundtrack above average though dancin rubbish. Well, it's called Oh Baby so let's not ask for too much. Director Cassandra Massardi must be so thankful for the music score - it's absolutely fantastic. Never mind the teenybopper fare, it keeps the movie movin. For that, much of the movie's flaws can be tolerated. Cinta herself sings pretty good too. Consider it strong on soundtrack. As for the movie, I guess you could watch it as the debut feature of a Britney-wannabe who just might make it. There are many cameos by various Indonesian artistes in this movie, so if Cinta doesn't cut it for you, perhaps they would. For me, I'm wonderin if we'll see more from her on the big screen soon.
Bonus material:

"Oh no. My movie bombed."

40 Hari Bangkitnya Pocong (2008)

At a glance:
Yet another pocong flick, directed by that 7-day shoestring shootin maestro Rudi Soedjarwo.
Bad news on the doorstep:

Sabai Morscheck

Instantly forgettable.
Perennial wonderment:
How they can keep comin out with this stuff.
Reminds me of:
The silly ass "interview" the distributor managed to get me for Sabai Morscheck and Rudi Soedjarwo via e-mail. Man actually admits that he cast a homeless beggar from the streets and dragged the man on set because he had no legs and they thought he'd make a great ghost. You can see this in the film. Hope he paid him right.
Watch out for:
One of the better aspects of this film would be Sabai Morscheck. The Indon lass is a better watch than both Revalina Temat in Pocong 2 and Francine Roosenda in Pocong 3. Perhaps she's not as arrestingly beautiful as the former or as snarlingly in-character as the latter. However, I've never seen so much white on a girl's eyes since Angelica Lee! Her characterisation reminds one of Christina Ricci. It makes her a great subject of interest.
Sanitised, politically-balanced full review with pics:
Here - don't bother though.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Two. Rudi Soedjarwo needs new material.