Isis Rising: Curse Of The Lady Mummy (2013)

Porn star Priya Rai goes mainstream in Isis Rising. Still flashes boobs, though.

I wished the movie sucked. Literally.

At a glance:

Do you guys know the crossover Indian-American porn star Priya Anjali Rai? She's quite filthy and frankly, a joy to watch, whatever your ethnic preferences may be. Recently, the longtime stripper turned adult actress has apparently cut her hair, got hitched to some wealthy businessman and subsequently announced her retirement from the scene, so as to develop her mainstream actin career. I believe Lisa Palenica's unsold project Isis Rising: Curse Of The Lady Mummy (2013) is Priya's first movie in that direction.

Bad news on the doorstep:

"Why did I quit porn? Whyyy?"

After a most unconvincin prologue in ancient Egypt about a love triangle between Isis, Osiris and Seth, we are fast forwarded to the present day where six college students unwittingly awaken the spirit of Isis (Priya Rai) and now they have to stop some undead army from destroying the world. It's frankly a shoestring-budgeted version of Night At The Museum (2006), with a tryin cast, doin their best to hide the primitive SFX and soundmix under a pile of jock jokes and sexual innuendos. I think the biggest disappointment, for anyone even remotely interested to watch this C-movie, would be the fact that Miss Rai doesn't actually appear much, despite bein given top billin and also servin as a co-producer.

"It says... you will star in... many bad movies... before you meet a cougar producer..."

Priya Rai: 12 years on the stripjoint circuit.

Perennial wonderment:

Milfy Priya Rai is the mother of two children. If somethin good did come out of this sad excuse of a movie, I guess they can both watch mummy's movie together with her this time, eh? Ahh... God works in mysterious ways.

Reminds me of:

That movie with Mallika Sherawat, Hisss (2010) for some reason.

I can't remember if I cried:

The CG work is very Power Rangers. It's hard to stay interested after seein the first few attempts.
Most memorable line:
This is the kind of movie that could've been watched on mute and on fast-forward, so don't expect any standout writin.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

In all fairness, at least they didn't take themselves so seriously. It's a silly little fantasy with some savin grace e.g. some actors like Jing Song and Shellie Ulrich definitely didn't make it any worse, given the circumstances. However, the fact that there's no nudity in the package makes this one a curious little project indeed. Why did they make it? Oh, well. Check out the official Facebook fan page and tell me when you find an answer.★1/2
Bonus material:

Jing Song stars as Professor's pet. She gets pounded and then possessed.

Casting Couch (2013)

Casting Couch offers inane and unintelligent middle class frat humour.

At a glance:

[Insert boring lines here]

Jason Lockhart's Casting Couch (2013) a.k.a. American Lie (workin title) is precisely the kind of white trash mediocrity that passes inane and unintelligent middle class frat humour under the banner of fun-lovin indie T&A teen comedy. The movie, shot like a documentary, is every bit as silly as the plot - Desperate to meet new girls, six down-on-their-luck guys come up with the ultimate plan to hook up - cast a fake movie. When tons of hot chicks show up for the audition, it's a matter of who's willing to go the farthest to get the part.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Sure hope they at least had some fun shooting this trash.

10 minutes in, you'd realise that you're better off watchin Jackass reruns or straight porn, I'd say. Justin Smith, the narratin actor with the most screen time, is unfortunately dull and unfunny. There ain't enough skin to make the fast forward worthwhile, even. I can't imagine the most inebriated pothead sittin through this DVD in its entirety.

Perennial wonderment:

Why does it exist?

Reminds me of:

Pedestrian efforts like American Reunion (2012) and any of them dreadful Judd Apatow comedies, except those have some measure of merit.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Watch the trailer on its official website and forget about it. Insufferable drivel, really.★
Bonus material:

The Wicked (2013)

Jess Adams in The Wicked (2013). Would you bother?

At a glance:

Caitlin Carmichael from Lizzie in a small role.

Ding dong, the witch is alive, says the keyart. Not to be confused with a long overdue reupdate of the 1931 musical of the same name, or even the 1998 Julia Stile movie, Peter Winther's Michigan teen slasher The Wicked (2013) is an excellent example of a predictable and overdone horror movie that simply cannot transcend its shoestring budget to produce an iota of originality. It's a story about a witch who lives in a haunted old house in woods. Story has it, she survived the witch hunt of the 1700s. For generations, folks believe that if you throw a rock and break her window, "the wicked" will get you. Interest in the old story gets renewed when a 7-year-old girl (Caitlin Carmichael from Lizzie) is missin from her home because she had apparently broken the witch's window the night before. Always up for a good fright and a chance to impress the girls, 18-year-old Zach (Justin Deeley) and his friends decide to sneak into the woods and find the mysterious old house where the legendary witch supposedly lives. Unbeknownst to Zach, his younger brother Max (Devon Werkheiser) and Max's love interest Sammy (Diana Hopper) sneak along. They all soon discover that whatever happens between them and the witch will end up in a DVD bargain bin.

"Shit. Are we looking back on our careers already?"

Bad news on the doorstep:

Thoroughly derivative. Just because you can make a movie, don't mean you should.

Perennial wonderment:

Seems like the only remotely fun witches we've seen recently are those in the Hansel And Gretel movie and also the trailer for Oz (meanin I didn't like the full apparition in the movie proper). I guess it's a matter of money. Still, if they knew the don't have a very convincin or screenworthy villain, they need to compensate with a stronger supportin cast or at least some humour. Shame so much effort went into it, lookin at these Facebook photos. Hope they had fun, at least.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

One of the better elements in the movie is the rivalry between the cop and the young girl. Otherwise, it's hardly worth a fast forward. Pleased to report that The Wicked isn't unwatchable - but what an unfortunate state of affairs this is.★

April Fool's Day (1986)

At a glance:

Before there were slashers like Scream (1996), there were already plenty of other movies where a beautiful teen cast would find themselves in a murder mystery, usually in a holiday cabin of some sort - but probably none took itself less seriously than April Fool's Day (1986) did. I should imagine this was a lot of fun in the cinema with friends in those days. There's Valley Girl Deborah Foreman as a prank-lovin hostess, surrounded by colourful white friends, like Thomas F. Wilson (Biff from the Back To The Future films) as a beefy jock and Deborah Goodrich (pic) as a titless but nonetheless commandin blonde. The lot of them go about crackin sex jokes and playin practical jokes on each other throughout the whole film, strangely displayin a presence that is stronger than, say, the pretty cast of any Final Destination flick.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Perhaps one twist too many, when each seemingly horrific deed turns out to be a practical joke. This movie is also known for a very big twist endin that didn't endear itself to too many.

Reminds me of:

Friday The 13th movies, the gold standard of 80s slasher flicks it seems.

Most memorable line:

Nikki: Something about myself? I wanna work with handicapped children. My parents are my best friends. I start convent school next semester and I fuck on the first date. April Fool's!

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Appeal is probably limited since it appears rather dated to anyone who can't identify with its 80s cast. Love Jerry Whitman singin 'Too Bad You're Crazy' at the end credits, though.★★

Barbi3 (2008)

At a glance:
Ngapain sih lu? Nggak ngapa-ngapain kok. Just watchin a stupid movie every now and then to keep it real. Didn't know I'd really hit it though. This is Monty Tiwa's idea of an Indon answer to Mean Girls, where Titi Kamal (centre), Poppy Sovia (left) and Francine Roosenda (right) play the most irritatin wannabe American highschool girls ever.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Titi O Titi, you ain't got much time left. Wonder how her restaurant's doin. Borin, overdone teen plot. Fluff.
Watch out for:
Cathy Sharon as Helen. Like Liv Tyler took Teri Hatcher's lips and turned Indon.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Some decent music, the Melly Goeslaw title track sang by Rossa especially. Unexpected depth in dialogue every now and then. If you buy the VCD, there's a 15-minute featurette at the end to console you. ★★

Extreme Movie (2008)

"Next level?"

At a glance:
Degenerate and lazily incoherent 75mins of teen rubbish - but optimists like my friend Faisal insist it's a better and more tolerable watch than the other thoughtless crap out there like Scary Movie, Date Movie or Disaster Movie. I'm tempted to agree the more times I watch that "accidentally, incidentally, unintentionally makin porn" musical near the end. Still, it's a patchwork of sexual humiliation gags and overdone fart jokes. Notable brief appearances by Michael Cera (Juno) and the dude who isn't Jack Black from Tenacious D. Lotsa real-life porn stars in here too, I think. Sadly, no gratuitous Sex Drive nudity.
Perennial wonderment:

Bobbi Sue Luther

These "movie" movies have got to stop. It's a celebration of cinema and cultural decay. Havin said that, I'd pay good money to watch feature-length movies titled Fisting Movie, Boring Movie or This Is So Not A Movie if somebody made them.
Watch out for:
The sketch featurin the fat kid with the sex toy pussy for a girlfriend. The camerawork is too serious. Funny.
Reminds me of:
An equally frustratin movie that I watched some years ago on cable, aptly called A Dirty Shame. Selma Blair is fitted with huge fake tits in it. Pointless.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
★1/2
Bonus material:

Oh Baby (2008)

"Hmm... she could use a good shave."

At a glance:
Teen fluff, full-on vehicle for Indon starlet Cinta Laura Kiehl. Badly needs a shave though. Watching Oh Baby is like a throwback to the Sunday mornings when Saved By The Bell was on Malaysian TV - only that instead of eyein the pleated skirts of Elizabeth Berkley, our attention this time is focused on those of Cinta Laura Kiehl, the 15-year-old Indonesian starlet. Good thing her actin wasn't too shabby then. The hirsute honey is flanked by Ridwan Ghany and Randy Pangalila, who both play her love interests to some level of competence. Of course, a story like this is entirely derivative from any Hollywood highschool shitcom.

The hirsute honey that is Cinta Laura Kiehl

Bad news on the doorstep:
Really forced. Nampak sangat dia saje nak buat cerita promo Cinta Laura kao-kao. Dancin was only token. Story painfully predictable.
Perennial wonderment:
Why is it so hard to get hold of young, not-there-yet semi-celebs? Can't believe I actually called Jakarta to get her agent mum to arrange an interview. But glad I had to chance to say selamat siang - always wanted to use that.
Reminds me of:
Honey (2003) but the titless Cinta Laura is no Jessica Alba. She is also well-known for often sayin the most mind-bogglin things to the Indonesian media on record. Perhaps that's why it works! Cinta Laura Kiehl is completely refreshin to watch, although her dancin here is not as good as we would have thought. Granted she's not Alba but honey, move them hips more! The girl bluffed her way through 90 odd minutes of clever editin without really needin to show much groove. Shame!

"Hit me baby one more time!"

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Dua, cukup? Soundtrack above average though dancin rubbish. Well, it's called Oh Baby so let's not ask for too much. Director Cassandra Massardi must be so thankful for the music score - it's absolutely fantastic. Never mind the teenybopper fare, it keeps the movie movin. For that, much of the movie's flaws can be tolerated. Cinta herself sings pretty good too. Consider it strong on soundtrack. As for the movie, I guess you could watch it as the debut feature of a Britney-wannabe who just might make it. There are many cameos by various Indonesian artistes in this movie, so if Cinta doesn't cut it for you, perhaps they would. For me, I'm wonderin if we'll see more from her on the big screen soon.
Bonus material:

"Oh no. My movie bombed."