Ashley (2013) @ Sprawl

Nicole Fox and Nicole Buehrer negotiates the awkward morning after in Ashley.

Hey, look! Another nipple poster.

At a glance:

Domenic Migliore's snailwork of a story Ashley (2013) a.k.a. Sprawl is an exercise in teen frustration that renders itself all too well at the hands of the director, Dean Matthew Ronalds. From the attractive poster, I'd thought it might be somethin like Flashdance (1983) meets Lolita (1997), or maybe even Gia (1998) meets Crush (1993). Turns out it's an indie drama scarcely worth watchin even for 22-year-old lead Nicole Fox, the fashion model starlet best known as the winner of Cycle 13 of America's Next Top Model. She plays a sullen 17-year-old student faced with a catalogue of personal problems like self-harm, bullyin, domestic abuse, sexual abuse, buddin homosexuality and a general disenchantment with life. She lives with her alcoholic single mum (Jennifer Taylor), who blames her husband's death on her. Gosh, if she only had AIDS this would be the middle-class suburban white version of Precious (2012), wouldn't it?

Bad news on the doorstep:

"I'm a teenager!"

I think a critical flaw in this effort is the surprisin lack of any moral resolution to the proceedings, but what upsets me the most is that the movie has little, if at all, to say about the human condition. There's plenty of amateurish camerawork to pick on, too. What will probably stop you in your tracks is the overdone soundtrack which is saturated with annoyin teenybopper music, tense piano pieces and even opera tracks -- all of which hardly improve the scenes. Hell, there's no tension to the narrative and sometimes I can't even bloody hear what the characters are sayin!

Perennial wonderment:

Michael Madsen:
Most hardworking cameo actor today.

Oh there goes Michael Madsen again, makin yet another five minute cameo in any shoestring indie project that could do with better billings. Didn't I just watch him last night in Nomad (2013) mumblin and barkin at someone as usual? Somewhere in the world, it's payday for Michael Madsen. Here, he collects after tellin Ashley what veal is and then tryin to cop a feel. What a plonker.

Reminds me of:

"This is how I feel about heterosexual sex and polite conversation."

That equally meanderin melodrama About Cherry (2012) starrin Ashley Hinshaw, about how a young girl becomes a porn star. By the way, there's hardly any nudity here, save maybe for an awkward phone sex scene. Oh wait, Nicole Fox does take her bathrobe off somewhere near the end, if you actually get anywhere near that.

Nicole Fox disappears into Ashley.
[Photo credit migliorephoto.com]

I can't remember if I cried:

Once the end credits rolled. Sheesh. Remember, I watch bad movies so you don't have to. If you paid to see this, you'd be mean enough to say it ain't too far off from a voyeur cam, the footage of a girl smokin, cuttin herself, smokin again, playin on her laptop and smokin again.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

So was that endin an attempt at an emotional payoff? If I were payin enough attention, this movie actually has a very dangerous message. Me, I'm off to rewatch The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things (2004) to forget about all this palaver.★1/2
Bonus material:
Here are some production photos and a few movie stills if you insist on watchin it. You could also go check out the official website and the Facebook fan page.

America's Next Top Model Nicole Fox gives two for the cause.

How every successful relationship begins -- online.

Infected (2013)

We're gathered here today to mark the demise of Michael Madsen's career...

Annie Worden obliges with a little tease in Infected.
She's kinda cute.

At a glance:

Michael Madsen is really on a roll, huh? Last year alone, we've seen him in extremely dodgy flicks like Prince Of The City and Eldorado. Now I stumble upon Infected (2013), the latest on his self-effacin CV. It's a messy little indie zombie flick, written and directed by Glenn Ciano. The synopsis reads: As they’ve been doing for years, Louis and his son arrive at a hunting lodge for their yearly vacation with family and friends. They hunt, drink, and share stories by the fire, enjoying the relaxing, familiar countryside.  But when the caretaker’s mother falls ill, it is quickly apparent that she is not sick from an ordinary virus. When she disappears into the woods, the fear begins to spread. Reports of an outbreak of a mutated form of lyme disease begin popping up all over New England and soon, all over the country.  The disease is causing people to become inexplicably violent, committing horrific acts of murder and cannibalism. Normally sane men and women, young and old, become infected with an insatiable desire to eat human flesh. Broadcasts declare that, “Humanity is sick.” These unfortunate souls are not the undead walking the Earth; they are alive and understand the atrocious acts they cannot help themselves from. As the infection spreads and the diseased monsters find their way to the hunting lodge, what starts out as an innocent camping trip, turns into the ultimate fight for survival of the human race. You still here?

Bad news on the doorstep:

William Forsythe

It's a completely unnecessary genre exercise, narrated with the most numbin basic shots and the worst, most puzzlin background music a film director could allow. It's not out of order to say that I've seen more competent film school projects. Character exposition is flimsy and the story is long lost through its limp execution.What a shame for such an elaborate setup.

Perennial wonderment:

Why does it exist?

Reminds me of:

Zombieland (2009) and Feast (2005)... but these were very decent movies that allowed us to have some measure of fun. 

Watch out for:

William Forsythe. He actually followed through and gave a good account of himself.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Christy Carlson Romano

Trust me - you won't miss this one.★

Prince Of The City (2012)

"So Prince, what's the secret to your white chicken thighs in this climate?"

Revisiting Reservoir Dogs with Yank Kassim

At a glance:

Malaysian premier Najib Abdul Razak would be devastated if he ever saw the killer clown of a movie that is Julian Cheah's Prince In The City (2012). That's because unlike the 1981 Sidney Lumet classic of the same name about systemic police corruption, this Malaysian movie has absolutely no notion or mention of cops whatsoever; and the streets run riot with guns and gangsters! Presumably self-financed to the reported tune of RM 1.5 mil and with the rare audacity to make wide release at some 40 locations, this unintentional action-comedy is the kind of dime-a-dozen project that would've died a very quick but kind death in pre-production, in the hands of less resilient proponents. However, self-satisfied indulgent producer Julian Cheah and his fantastical levels of conceit and grandeur under Axis Line Entertainment ensure we see it on the big screen in technicolor glory, even if the cast and crew, I detect, seem to distance themselves from the picture out of sheer embarrassment. This 18-rated 35mm presentation will make spillover business from unsuspectin Malay cinemagoers who recognise Aaron Aziz on the poster and can't get tickets to Jackie Chan's CZ12 (2012). WBO run will be bleak, though I can report that the first two days of collections have managed not to break the RM20k floor set in September by inexplicable rock musical Leftwings as the lowest grossin Malaysian movie of 2012.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Madsen: Will work for $20

We're talkin Bad Cinema 101. Once you get past the horrible lightin, jarrin hard cuts, continuity blunders, slapstick gunfights, comic fisticuffs, out-of-sync audio and primitive sound mix, you'll arrive at the real treat - the inexplicably long and full English sentences uttered by overly theatrical actors who read first-timer Calvin Wong's script as if it's Shakespeare in KL. One of the many cardboard characters on show is Michael Madsen's and the man tries his post-prime best at damage control, even if he does sound like he's one cigarette away from needin an oxygen tank, as mused on Twitchfilm by the founder almost a year ago when its completely inept trailer was released. Whatever pays the bills, one might say. And this, on the back of that other non-movie - the senseless Eldorado (2012).

"I should shoot myself now."

Perennial wonderment:

I don't know much about Spanar Jaya veteran Roslan Hussin (his first feature film in the director's chair) but Aaron Aziz, who plays Madsen's henchman in the movie, is a true pro - you'd really have to hand him that. His is the only role that actually works, never mind the lame story. He delivers all his English lines convincingly, although like everyone else in the movie, he lights up a cigarette every two minutes (presumably out of a real need, due to the emotional stress of starrin in such a movie). Even in the modest TMO well-recorded by Linus Chung, he grit his teeth and appeared the most inclined to come forward and promote the movie. Good man.

Reminds me of:

Less-than-convincin crime capers like Juliane Block's Emperor (2008) and Kepong Gangster (2012). However, even these aren't vanity projects that can hold a candle to Prince Of The City.

I can't remember if I cried:

Sittin behind industry veteran Yusof Haslam throughout the press preview, I felt he didn't know where to hide his face. I believe his outfit Skop Productions is the distribution force behind this lamentable farce. Looks like it's the easiest money they ever made, shippin out a deformed soldier to die at war and chargin him the boat fare!

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Let's play domino thugs!

Many scenes look like they're recorded off a mobile phone. One of the least embarrassin elements of the movie is the female lead (Tara Wallace) but she gets an early bailout. The worst thing about the movie is actually Cheah himself with his smarmy smugness, instantly killin any tension and credulity the movie tries so hard to hang on to in every scene. Nonetheless I'm pleased to report that Prince Of The City (2012) isn't the worst Malaysian movie of 2012. It's a close fight but M. Jamil's equally delusional but ultimately unwatchable Momok Don't Find Trouble (2012) keeps that honour. Only just, though.★
Bonus material:
[picture credit: Julian Cheah Facebook fan page]

Tara Wallace from New York gets some bikini time.

Aaron Aziz puts in some token moves for the token action scenes.

It's payday in some part of the world for Michael Madsen.

"Whaddya mean I can't produce, direct, write, finance and star in my own movie?!?!"

Director Roslan Hussin tries to console Yank Kassim.

Tara Wallace and Julian Cheah.

Eldorado (2012)

Michael Madsen takes any job he can find.
Up next, Julian Cheah's Prince In The City. *Gulp*

Not the real Daryl Hannah but a pornstar
who assumed the moniker due to her likeness.

At a glance:

First ever British movie to be shot in 3D? David Carradine's last movie appearance? If you've read the heavyweight cast list, you'll never understand how such a paceless, plotless and meanderin dud ever came into existence, especially if you agree with me it's more like what Tenacious D would have shot with some over-aged fans for a film school project, after havin OD'ed on cheap skunk and bad pizza. In Eldorado (probably the very worst among every movie ever so titled), we follow a Blues Brothers tribute band called The Jews Brothers, whose manager mistakenly to a Neo-Nazi fundraiser instead of a stripper. Peter O'Toole sits on a chair and narrates intermittently, tongue-in-cheek. Daryl Hannah recites the titular Edgar Allen Poe poem to mislead us into a possibly related or coherent story. Everyone else also looks as if they can't wait for it to be over. Did someone call in every favour to get this done? It's a senseless parody and you're gonna recognise elements from Sweeney Todd, Little Shop of Horrors, The Blues Brothers, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Reservoir Dogs, Heaven Can Wait, Kung Fu, Blazing Saddles and even some O Brother, Where Art Thou - but even the song scenes are far from excitin and I find it hard to believe anyone can finish this two hour-movie without hittin the fast-forward.

"Are you okay to go topless for a Richard Driscoll movie?"

Bad news on the doorstep:

As we near the end of 2012, I'll be roundin out my own records e.g. Most Pretentious (Savages vs Cloud Atlas), Most Frustrating (The Devil Inside vs Lizzie), Worst Malaysian Movie (Gerimis Mengundang vs Momok Don't Find Trouble). I'm sure Richard Driscoll's Eldorado (2012) will come out tops in somethin. This guy, not to be confused with the other British actor on TV's Eastenders, is known to some as Britain's Ed Wood and many struggle to explain his amazin ability to keep producin awful films throughout the ages.

Daryl Hannah. Why?

Perennial wonderment:

David Carradine. Guess they buried it with him, huh? Bad way to go. R.I.P. Kwai Chang Caine. On the other hand, this guy Peter O'Toole seems to have been around forever. Is he immortal?

Reminds me of:

A bad dream, with songs.

Most memorable line:

Fat chance you'll find any.

No idea.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Do yourself a favour and stay far, far away from this. Apparently next, the makers have lined up the 3D Gothic tale Back2Hell, and other listed projects include two more 3D flicks, Wolfman 3D and Watchmen Of Hellgate. Let us pray those are better. ★

The day the music died:

R.I.P. David Carradine
8 December 1936 – 3 June 2009