The Forbidden Girl (2013)

Luscious Jytte-Merle Böhrnsen goes batshit occult as The Forbidden Girl (2013).

At a glance:

They even managed a nipple on the poster!
You lucky little nipple you!

Marketed as "a supernatural 3D mystery thriller in the vein of Dracula and The Others", European Motion Pictures / Shoreline Entertainment's ambitious German product The Forbidden Girl (2013) is a dissonant mess that I suspect hardly got shopped, since they didn't even bother to complete buildin the official website. They did manage a DVD release though, so we do get to see it. It's a low-budget horror-fantasy in English and with a nipple or two thrown in, just like those old Italian flicks that have become a cult classic. The convoluted story centres on a young fella named Toby (Peter Gadiot) who is released from a nuthouse after several years and lands himself a job at an old castle, tutorin a nubile nympho named Laura (Jytte-Merle Böhrnsen in the titular role) who just happens to look exactly like the ex-girlfriend he lost to some mysterious werewolf creature ages ago. There's also an old lady (Jeanette Hain) in the house who gets younger by the day and her creepy loyal butler Mortimer (Klaus Tange) who likes to eat bugs and wield axes. Apparently Till Hastreiter, a TVC director who teaches low budget filmmakin in Third World countries for the cultural body Goethe, got the SFX guys from Martin Scorsese's Hugo (2012) to do this over three years in a self-built studio in a Berlin backyard.

Roger Tebb: "All love is forbidden from now until the day you die."

Bad news on the doorstep:

Beautifully photographed but sorely lackin an emotional centre, not to mention some jarrin elements that simply don't sit well together e.g. characters that seem to belong to different times and different cultures! The leadin lady Jytte-Merle Louisa Böhrnsen treats us to her topless delights every now and then but the movie is neither sexy nor sensual -- just a lot of meticulous framin and colour correction!

Perennial wonderment:

Is it true that there simply aren't enough 3D movies to fill all the word's 3D screens? A statement from the distributor insists that "even a moderate budget production has a very high chance of going theatrical in the U.S and the rest of the world now" when it comes to the lucrative new format and that's why they gambled on the movie. Hmm... that would explain why this movie scantly had a need to be in 3D !

Reminds me of:

Jytte-Merle Böhrnsen and Peter Gadiot in The Forbidden Girl (2013).

That other 3D horror dud, Dario Argento's Dracula (2013) reupdate. The story unfolds just as slow as that Nightwing movie Imaginaerum (2012).

I can't remember if I cried:

When I realised I had to rewind this from time to time because I keep zonin out of the conversations. There goes the night, havin watched yet another B-movie to torture myself.

Most memorable line:

"By your powers combined... I am Forbidden Girl!"

There are lines in this movie like "It's cool to try new things, right?" and "She does look like me -- only the hair sucks." Talk about turn-offs!

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Theatrical, talky and too much of an effort. The more interestin the visuals got, the further away from the story we drifted. Should be cut up and despatched as multiple Marilyn Manson music videos. However, I wouldn't go so far as to say it's unwatchable. Special mention goes to makeup artist Emilia Seifert.★★
Bonus material:

The Wicked (2013)

Jess Adams in The Wicked (2013). Would you bother?

At a glance:

Caitlin Carmichael from Lizzie in a small role.

Ding dong, the witch is alive, says the keyart. Not to be confused with a long overdue reupdate of the 1931 musical of the same name, or even the 1998 Julia Stile movie, Peter Winther's Michigan teen slasher The Wicked (2013) is an excellent example of a predictable and overdone horror movie that simply cannot transcend its shoestring budget to produce an iota of originality. It's a story about a witch who lives in a haunted old house in woods. Story has it, she survived the witch hunt of the 1700s. For generations, folks believe that if you throw a rock and break her window, "the wicked" will get you. Interest in the old story gets renewed when a 7-year-old girl (Caitlin Carmichael from Lizzie) is missin from her home because she had apparently broken the witch's window the night before. Always up for a good fright and a chance to impress the girls, 18-year-old Zach (Justin Deeley) and his friends decide to sneak into the woods and find the mysterious old house where the legendary witch supposedly lives. Unbeknownst to Zach, his younger brother Max (Devon Werkheiser) and Max's love interest Sammy (Diana Hopper) sneak along. They all soon discover that whatever happens between them and the witch will end up in a DVD bargain bin.

"Shit. Are we looking back on our careers already?"

Bad news on the doorstep:

Thoroughly derivative. Just because you can make a movie, don't mean you should.

Perennial wonderment:

Seems like the only remotely fun witches we've seen recently are those in the Hansel And Gretel movie and also the trailer for Oz (meanin I didn't like the full apparition in the movie proper). I guess it's a matter of money. Still, if they knew the don't have a very convincin or screenworthy villain, they need to compensate with a stronger supportin cast or at least some humour. Shame so much effort went into it, lookin at these Facebook photos. Hope they had fun, at least.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

One of the better elements in the movie is the rivalry between the cop and the young girl. Otherwise, it's hardly worth a fast forward. Pleased to report that The Wicked isn't unwatchable - but what an unfortunate state of affairs this is.★