Catacombs (2007)

Once you go black, you can even go pink.
Err... that doesn't really make sense, does it?

At a glance:

Another straight-to-DVD release that was pushed to many shores after it failed to make the big screen in the U.S. – pop singer Pink's movie calamity Catacombs (2007). Nobody's really bothered about her anyway (excuse the pun – but you're like Most Girls, You Make Me Sick and I can't Get The Party Started). The main attraction here is Shannyn Sossamon, the exquisite rich man's Angelina Jolie lookalike you might remember from A Knight's Tale (2001) opposite the late Heath Ledger, and more recently in frivolous fare like One Missed Call (2008) and The Heavy (2010). She's really got the looks, hasn't she? So why does she star in mediocre efforts like this Parisian caper?

"My career is in the death pits."

Bad news on the doorstep:

French foetus, anyone?

Oh it turns out the whole shebang is only about the Catacombs of Paris but filmed in Romania with replica sets. Never mind. The backdrop is creepy enough. It's mazy, it's dark and it's sexy. In fact, this movie has some of the best photography I've ever seen, what with its postcard-perfect, in-the-dark shots of Shannyn and Pink runnin about in the maze lookin for a way out. Hell it's like watchin an MTV music video! The soundtrack is pretty spot on. Why then is this movie so badly rated?

It's the story. Revolvin around a nervous American girl in Paris (Sossamon) who meets her crazy sister (Pink a.k.a. Alecia Moore) and her equally crazy friends, it could've been a popcorn movie with cheap, guaranteed thrills that would've put it on par with somethin like the latest Halloween rehash at least. Instead, its choice of climactic closure leaves much to be desired. After runnin about for a good hour, I'm not sure the audience would be satisfied with such an unconvincin end to the spooky chase. Don't expect too much skin either if you're watchin this in a scissor-happy territory.
Reminds me of:
Cave adventures in Malaysia. The guano stink is equal to this movie.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Maybe Shannyn Sossamon is trying to be the next Sheri Moon Zombie. Maybe she really hates her modellin and DJ past that much. Her screen potential is immense so someone in Hollywood ought do somethin about her quick before she turns into Amy Winehouse or someone like that! In any case, as far as this Euro pop punk chaser is concerned, slam this one in the C-grade DVD catalogue and then go buy it for some goth friend's Christmas present. A mutual friend is likely to receive the same DVD next year as long as you two keep quiet about it. ★★
Trailer for the curious:

Bonus material:

Hachiko: A Dog's Story (2009)

At a glance:
Shall we call this genre dog drama? I can think of plenty of similar titles of late. This one's an American reupdate on the Japanese movie Hachikô Monogatari (1987), based on real life events about an Akita whose owner died and the animal theatrically waited everyday for the next nine years at the train station for his master to return. Entrusted to the able hands of that Swede Lasse Hallström, the man behind offbeat, sensitive stuff like Chocolat (2000), The Cider House Rules (1999) and My Life As A Dog (1985), you get a winsome, heartfelt tale without too many forced soppy moments. That's where someone like Richard Gere is able to fit fine, with that unassumin face of his.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Still PG stuff for the family, in case you're lookin for somethin more directly depressin.
Perennial wonderment:
Why did Sony do a straight-to-DVD release for America? That probably made more people think it's really petty stuff meant for family viewin. It's not. I thankfully got to watch this at Filmgarde in Bugis, Singapore.
I can't remember if I cried:
I didn't cry, okay? I got street cred to maintain. What do you take me for?
Reminds me of:
Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey (1993), 10 Promises To My Dog (2008) and Muffin, the Shih Tzu we had who's now an ex-Shih Tzu. Poor Muffin.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
It's got heart and it's boosted by a great score by Jan Kaczmarek. You know I don't approve of soppy shyte so this one will hopefully surprise you. ★★★
Bonus material:

Status of Hachiko at Shibuya Station.

For further readin, see Hachiko.

Wrong Turn 3: Left For Dead (2009)

At a glance:
How many wrong turns can you take? Well, to be fair, they were successful DVD releases. I vaguely remember the first - it had some stalled car on a road and a young, sexy cast. This third movie is another straight-to-DVD feature, just like the second. Ain't never seen none of them? They're all about deformed, in-bred, cannibalistic mountain men who prey on beautiful people for no goddamn reason. This time, it's about escaped convicts who are runnin away from the ugly in-bred dubbed Three Fingers.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Remarkably borin. Had to watch it on fast forward. In the first few minutes, two girls are sat and the hot blonde (Mancunian lingerie model Louise Cliffe, you can view her desperate CV on IMDb) goes topless, only to be arrowed from the back, with the projectile piercin through her left tit and also the hand of the unlucky man who was fondlin her. She dies on the spot, leavin the titless brunette (Janet Montgomery, pic) to act out the rest of the movie. This director doesn't do himself no favours, does he?
Watch out for:
Stocky Londoner Tamer Hassan (pic, leftmost), the underrated staple sidekick you might remember seein in movies like Football Factory, Layer Cake, Goal! and Eastern Promises. He's even in Batman Begins as a limo driver but we don't remember these roles do we? I ain't seen him since The Ferryman so I tried this movie just for him. On IMDb now I see he's listed for an upcomin project called Cockneys vs Zombies. Ha.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Give it for tryin. Regrettable DVD to buy. Don't.