The Texas Roadside Massacre (2012)

Marina Resa does what it says on the tin in Roadside Massacre (2013).

"Where's my nincompoop casting agent?"

At a glance:

I wish I could give you more backstory about Scott Kirkpatrick's immediately trivial-soundin Roadside Massacre (2012) -- which is released on DVD and VOD in the U.K. as The Texas Roadside Massacre -- but I think the movie failed to get to a bigger audience and the official website had already expired. Anyway it's a micro-budget slasher about five college friends who take a detour and end up in the remote mountain town of Blueridge, where Karen (Marina Resa) believes her older sister went missin two years ago. After a few odd encounters with the locals, people go missin and shit starts hittin the fan -- apparently it has somethin to do with Jimmy's Rib Shack, the local barbie joint.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Good times.

Well, I'm not sure whether they didn't have the finances or the editin talent for it - but they can't seem to shoot even a simple car accident. A lot of action either happens offscreen or happens in a way that makes you wonder if it happened at all! I guess Roadside mostly suffers from a story has been done to death, not to mention how the birds in it aren't particularly lookers, nor do they dress (or undress) to compensate for it.

Perennial wonderment:

While the narrative is actually sound and you can follow all 80 minutes of it, I again wonder why people would feel compelled to go forward on so little. Ain't we seen this hicksploitation template a hundred times over? A dream's a dream, I guess.

Reminds me of:

Haha - do you have all day?

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Plenty of IMDb shills at work on this one, I see. Ah well, jog on.★★
Bonus material:

It's a teen eat teen world.

Lizzie (2012)

Shawna Waldron and Gary Busey in a deceptively strong promo visual.

Brianna Lee Johnson

At a glance:

19th century New England axe murderer Lizzie Andrew Borden gets yet another run-out with Dark Morgue Picture's Lizzie (2012), as Leif Holt saw fit to produce, write and star in a rather unpersuasive B-movie that is both feeble and frustatin at the same time. I scarcely thought there was gonna be a worse movie than The Devil Inside this year but this does manage a close finish. We get a prologue about the oft-chronicled titular terror with montage and poem, then we're thrust into the modern day with a young blonde being treated by her shrink for witnessing apparitions around her house. 

Bad news on the doorstep:

So bad was this movie, when the characters are watchin a movie in their livin room, they put on a bad movie as well. Stop-start tension, bad CGI choices, continuity boo-boos, very poor performances - all these add to the derivative drivel. Foggy mirrors, disappearin blood... what else? Corbin Bernsen plays a shrink but comes across more like a garbage man who just walked on set and Leif Holt himself has a puzzlin role as a feckless boyfriend.

Let's watch a bad movie!

Perennial wonderment:

Apparently there's been development on the case just a few months ago. Anyway the canon of Lizzie Borden feature films include The Legend of Lizzie Borden (1975), The Curse of Lizzie Borden (2006) and The Curse of Lizzie Borden 2: Prom Night (2008), not to mention several documentaries like Lizzie Borden: A Century of Fascination (1992) and Lizzie Borden Had an Axe (2004). Never saw any meself but this 2012 movie sure doesn't provide much encouragement.

How I felt in the movie, too.

Reminds me of:

Lead star Amanda Baker (Jolene Crowell on TV's General Hospital) is an extremely annoyin actress whose laughable lack of depth is made up for by her resemblance to Maria Bello, Jessica Biel and porn star Kagney Lynn. No nudity from her either.

Watch out for:

Veteran porn star Aurora Snow is supposed to have an appearance here, accordin to the credits. Must've ended up on the cuttin room floor because I don't remember this at all. Someone drop me a note if you know different.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

The kind of movie you'd switch off or walk out on. Check out the official website and Facebook page if you're still readin.★1/2
Bonus material:

Fast forward to this scene with Amanda Baker screaming. Hilarious.