The Forbidden Girl (2013)

Luscious Jytte-Merle Böhrnsen goes batshit occult as The Forbidden Girl (2013).

At a glance:

They even managed a nipple on the poster!
You lucky little nipple you!

Marketed as "a supernatural 3D mystery thriller in the vein of Dracula and The Others", European Motion Pictures / Shoreline Entertainment's ambitious German product The Forbidden Girl (2013) is a dissonant mess that I suspect hardly got shopped, since they didn't even bother to complete buildin the official website. They did manage a DVD release though, so we do get to see it. It's a low-budget horror-fantasy in English and with a nipple or two thrown in, just like those old Italian flicks that have become a cult classic. The convoluted story centres on a young fella named Toby (Peter Gadiot) who is released from a nuthouse after several years and lands himself a job at an old castle, tutorin a nubile nympho named Laura (Jytte-Merle Böhrnsen in the titular role) who just happens to look exactly like the ex-girlfriend he lost to some mysterious werewolf creature ages ago. There's also an old lady (Jeanette Hain) in the house who gets younger by the day and her creepy loyal butler Mortimer (Klaus Tange) who likes to eat bugs and wield axes. Apparently Till Hastreiter, a TVC director who teaches low budget filmmakin in Third World countries for the cultural body Goethe, got the SFX guys from Martin Scorsese's Hugo (2012) to do this over three years in a self-built studio in a Berlin backyard.

Roger Tebb: "All love is forbidden from now until the day you die."

Bad news on the doorstep:

Beautifully photographed but sorely lackin an emotional centre, not to mention some jarrin elements that simply don't sit well together e.g. characters that seem to belong to different times and different cultures! The leadin lady Jytte-Merle Louisa Böhrnsen treats us to her topless delights every now and then but the movie is neither sexy nor sensual -- just a lot of meticulous framin and colour correction!

Perennial wonderment:

Is it true that there simply aren't enough 3D movies to fill all the word's 3D screens? A statement from the distributor insists that "even a moderate budget production has a very high chance of going theatrical in the U.S and the rest of the world now" when it comes to the lucrative new format and that's why they gambled on the movie. Hmm... that would explain why this movie scantly had a need to be in 3D !

Reminds me of:

Jytte-Merle Böhrnsen and Peter Gadiot in The Forbidden Girl (2013).

That other 3D horror dud, Dario Argento's Dracula (2013) reupdate. The story unfolds just as slow as that Nightwing movie Imaginaerum (2012).

I can't remember if I cried:

When I realised I had to rewind this from time to time because I keep zonin out of the conversations. There goes the night, havin watched yet another B-movie to torture myself.

Most memorable line:

"By your powers combined... I am Forbidden Girl!"

There are lines in this movie like "It's cool to try new things, right?" and "She does look like me -- only the hair sucks." Talk about turn-offs!

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Theatrical, talky and too much of an effort. The more interestin the visuals got, the further away from the story we drifted. Should be cut up and despatched as multiple Marilyn Manson music videos. However, I wouldn't go so far as to say it's unwatchable. Special mention goes to makeup artist Emilia Seifert.★★
Bonus material:

Julia X (2011)

Alicia Leigh Willis plays unhinged sex maniac sister Jessica in Julia X (2011)

At a glance:

Ving Rhames takes revenge for being Marcellus Wallace.

Cheap slasher with a smidgen of black humour, strangely and unnecessarily released in 3D, starrin Kevin Sorbo as a bad guy. We follow him on an online dating rendezvous gone wrong, involvin two psychotic but sexy, bra-swappin sisters (Valerie Azlynn and Alicia Leigh Willis) and to a lesser extent, a completely unsuspectin victim (Joel David Moore) who walks blindfolded (literally) into the bloody state of affairs. Movie title is in reference to the killer's contrived m.o. of brandin his victims. The writer and director is P.J. Pettiette of Jennifer's Shadow (2004) a.k.a. Raven.
Bad news on the doorstep:
With a thin concept that gives itself away too soon, Brett Gallman writes how Julia X quickly becomes "an over-the-top, sometimes tedious farce that resembles a live action, 90 minute episode of Itchy & Scratchy as our trio of nutcases bludgeon, maim, and scream at each other". Variety's Joe Leydon, in a taut two-para review condemns Julia X as "a promising premise in search of a satisfying execution. Thanks to 3D, various objects periodically appear to jut out from the screen - but that doesn't help."

Errr... Julia X. Literally.

Perennial wonderment:

Kevin Sorbo finds work. Yay!

 Where do I find girls like these?

Reminds me of:

The title and the poster reminds me of X: Night Of Vengeance (2011). That was an equally uneventful movie.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Very unremarkable. They kept playin the Carpenter's Close To You for that dark humour effect but couldn't even give Ving Rhames a cameo with a cool line or two.★★
Bonus material:

Eldorado (2012)

Michael Madsen takes any job he can find.
Up next, Julian Cheah's Prince In The City. *Gulp*

Not the real Daryl Hannah but a pornstar
who assumed the moniker due to her likeness.

At a glance:

First ever British movie to be shot in 3D? David Carradine's last movie appearance? If you've read the heavyweight cast list, you'll never understand how such a paceless, plotless and meanderin dud ever came into existence, especially if you agree with me it's more like what Tenacious D would have shot with some over-aged fans for a film school project, after havin OD'ed on cheap skunk and bad pizza. In Eldorado (probably the very worst among every movie ever so titled), we follow a Blues Brothers tribute band called The Jews Brothers, whose manager mistakenly to a Neo-Nazi fundraiser instead of a stripper. Peter O'Toole sits on a chair and narrates intermittently, tongue-in-cheek. Daryl Hannah recites the titular Edgar Allen Poe poem to mislead us into a possibly related or coherent story. Everyone else also looks as if they can't wait for it to be over. Did someone call in every favour to get this done? It's a senseless parody and you're gonna recognise elements from Sweeney Todd, Little Shop of Horrors, The Blues Brothers, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Reservoir Dogs, Heaven Can Wait, Kung Fu, Blazing Saddles and even some O Brother, Where Art Thou - but even the song scenes are far from excitin and I find it hard to believe anyone can finish this two hour-movie without hittin the fast-forward.

"Are you okay to go topless for a Richard Driscoll movie?"

Bad news on the doorstep:

As we near the end of 2012, I'll be roundin out my own records e.g. Most Pretentious (Savages vs Cloud Atlas), Most Frustrating (The Devil Inside vs Lizzie), Worst Malaysian Movie (Gerimis Mengundang vs Momok Don't Find Trouble). I'm sure Richard Driscoll's Eldorado (2012) will come out tops in somethin. This guy, not to be confused with the other British actor on TV's Eastenders, is known to some as Britain's Ed Wood and many struggle to explain his amazin ability to keep producin awful films throughout the ages.

Daryl Hannah. Why?

Perennial wonderment:

David Carradine. Guess they buried it with him, huh? Bad way to go. R.I.P. Kwai Chang Caine. On the other hand, this guy Peter O'Toole seems to have been around forever. Is he immortal?

Reminds me of:

A bad dream, with songs.

Most memorable line:

Fat chance you'll find any.

No idea.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Do yourself a favour and stay far, far away from this. Apparently next, the makers have lined up the 3D Gothic tale Back2Hell, and other listed projects include two more 3D flicks, Wolfman 3D and Watchmen Of Hellgate. Let us pray those are better. ★

The day the music died:

R.I.P. David Carradine
8 December 1936 – 3 June 2009

Battle For Terra (2009)

At a glance:
Derivative, yet worthwhile sci-fi project, re-shot for 3D after interest from the festival circuits as early as 2007. You've seen those X-shaped fighter ships before and there's a toy-like 'help' character that looks like what would've happened if R2-D2 had gaybot sex with Wall-E, not to mention the unimaginative taser gun sounds. However, a subtle Antz-like social commentary underpins this war story, where human beings and aliens both have elders who discourage individuality and questions about the System. The Terrians and their world also get some good design work - they look like meek tadpoles livin in an alternate primitive world of mostly wood and metal. Great non-Disney stuff if you ask me.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Bombed in America for its eventual wide release, openin too close to Star Trek and without any marketin muscle either. "Crashed and burned" were just some of the words I read about the box office. Sigh.
Watch out for:
The skywhale - a simple yet respectable creation. Should've expanded on this, really. A skywhale starship with awesome sonar weaponry or somethin.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?Three and a half. A solid movie with well defined short story qualities.

Journey To The Center Of The Earth 3D (2008)

At a glance:
This goes down in history for the dubious honour of bein the first 3D movie in Malaysia - brought it by the largest chain, Golden Screen Cinemas. Kiddie fare with minimal intrigue. 2D version ain't worth it, trust me.
Perennial wonderment:
Brendan Fraser, man who spends whole career playin characters who are always runnin away from somethin - 3D dinosaurs, hot English genies & prehistoric mummies, to name a few.
Watch out for:
The blonde mountain guide, new actress Anna Briem.
Reminds me of:
Jumanji (1995) and Jurassic Park (1993), of course. Nowhere near as entertainin, though.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Gets two stars for not tryin too hard to be what it isn't.