The Private Lives Of Pippa Lee (2009)

"Yo. Sup."

At a glance:

How many movies do you know of which the author of the book is also the director? Just like the crème brûlee she heats up so effortlessly with a butane torch in the movie, titular heroine Pippa Lee (played by a faultless but helpless Robin Wright Penn) is sweet but burnt all the same by a source material that is either too quirky and personal for commercial big screen interests or plain unlikeable, despite havin an embarrassment of stars to drive it. This drama ain't even secured distribution stateside and instead got itself washed up on Malaysian shores first! Helmer Rebecca Miller (Ballad Of Jack And Rose) has said in interviews how the recession has caused box office players to be wary of quirky dramas - but is the movie so hard to sell or is the story too hard to buy?
Bad news on the doorstep:

Rebecca Miller

Faultless yet hopeless:
Robin Wright Penn

Beautiful Robin Wright Penn may still have that sex factor since her Jenny Curran last placed a moron's hands on her tits in Forrest Gump (1994) but here she's asked to play a character so schizophrenic and uneaxamined that it turns fatal to the flick. She's a fiftysomethin housewife movin into a retiree community with her much older, ailin, publisher husband (a wonderful Alan Arkin, Little Miss Sunshine) who once had a psycho ex-wife played by Monica Bellucci. Flashes from her past inform us that she was a troubled 16-year-old emo goth (impressive turn by Gossip Girl Blake Lively) who had colourful family in a speed-addicted mum (Mario Bello), a lesbian aunt (Robin Weigert, TV's Deadwood) and her wild lover (Julianne Moore). There's also room for Wynona Ryder as a cry-baby of a young wife. Crowded lineup, I feel.
Reminds me of:
Bell-ringers. Sheffield knows why.
Watch out for:
Keanu Reeves as a sensitive but odd Christian with a giant Jesus tattoo on his chest. Hey, some people like to mutilate their bodies with Jesus and big crosses, while others like inkin themselves over five hours with the image of monkey gods, innit Bangkok Bob? That me best mate, who did a Hanuman in Thailand. Can't imagine anyone makin love to someone with such a visually intrusive tattoo.

Monica Bellucci

Most memorable line:
"Writers are vampires. I'm waiting for the right girl to come along and make me a human being."
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
This R rated movie has peculiar pacin, uneven dialogue and also a messy visual style. More importantly, it doesn't cut it as a mainstream crowd-pleaser or a critically-directed arthouse piece either. How did they manage to get such a heavy duty ensemble to lend their names to this project? Even if somethin bizarre about this film turns it into a sleeper hit on DVD, this reviewer insists that Pippa Lee's lives, whatever the fuck they're about, are best kept private. ★★
Bonus material:
I have about 200 sexy hi-res photos below for you to enjoy. Lookin at them just makes me more depressed, knowin how beautifully it was shot.

Blake Lively and Alan Arkin get it on. I'm so jealous.

Notorious (2009)

At a glance:
How do you best tell the story of Christopher George Latore Wallace, better known as The Notorious B.I.G. in 123mins? Gangsta rapper, lyrical genius, crack dealer, father, son, husband, hooligan and hustler. Remember a duel with Pac when he says "If I fart on a record, trust me nigger that shit's gonna sound good" ? Movie sadly sidesteps the need to address the man, deliverin a start-stop account of the slain artiste with no real opinion or angle. You would've thought someone who died at 24 deserved a better movie, especially when Biggie's mum and P. Diddy (or whatever he calls himself nowadays) are co-producin.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Many biopics seize the posthumous opportunity to apologise for the deceased but this slips into the comfort zone with its pedestrian script, highlightin key events in Biggie's short life with the least controversy. With the exception that the movie follows Biggie's 'wasn't me' stand with regards to Pac's shootin, everythin else is MTV fluff. Lotsa lights and champagne but East Side shouldn't be celebratin.
I can't remember if I cried:
When the negro who plays Pac appears. An embarrassment in castin logic, considerin the man not only looks nothin like him but he makes himself look fuckin dumb for someone who's hip-hop royalty. Angela Bassett as Biggie's mum looks like she could have easily done him in. In fact, any of the women in this movie could've pistol-whipped him, together with the actor who played Lil' Cease, who looked about 10 years old.
Watch out for:
Naturi Naughton-Jamal Woolard sex scene. Nobody's gonna believe the fat man's short cock could be dug out far enough from the folds of fat to enable the chick to ride it in such a manner. Hear that, Bob?
Most memorable line:
No self-respectin fan would buy any of the lame self-narration from Gravy. Biggie Smalls would never say those pussy ass lines.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Mediocre . The bastard deserved better.