Heaven And Hell (2012) @ วงจรปิด

"Damn. I forgot the safe word."

At a glance:

If it ain't found footage or mobile phone recordings, it's CCTV. In the hands of the Thai, they'll make it an omnibus horror, as usual. Yuthlert Sippapak's Heaven And Hell (2012) a.k.a. วงจรปิด is a disjointed effort of three vignettes, the last two sittin better together than with the first (directed by his longtime cinematographer Tiwa Moeithaisong). It opens with Tiwa's black-and-white story - Ghost Legacy, about a pair of twins who inherit a haunted mansion from their dead grandfather. Next, we have Heaven 11, a slightly confusin episode about creepy teen love that culminates in a 24-hour convenience store, at the expense of two frightened CCTV technicians. The last, Hell No. 8, brings back this duo and puts them in a haunted apartment's lift where they try to fix the CCTV while chattin up two chicks.

Bad news on the doorstep:

These are the requisite tattoos to become a CCTV technician.

The middle bit, easily the strongest, could've been expanded to make an entire movie, instead of this dissonant mess. The decision to open with the weakest bit must be criticised, as I suspect many won't last the humourless silent movie treatment, with title cards to boot. It's also unfortunate that the last third descends into a full-on horror-comedy without much tension. Cheap-lookin ghosts are part and parcel of Thai movies within this range but it could really have done so much better with just a little structural tweak.

"Please. I need this stool to hang myself."

Perenial wonderment:
Does anyone know where I can get Thai box office results in English? Do drop me a line.  Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Prolific Thai movie critic Wise Kwai sees positives: "As scattershot Heaven and Hell is in terms of style and genre, there's an overarching theme of feminism, with strong female roles in Yuthlert's segments – the girl ghosts get their revenge." I'm less enthusiastic. This ain't 4bia (2008) or Phobia 2 (2009). Jog on.★★
Bonus material:

Chop (2011)

"Work it out. Let's work it the fuck out."

At a glance:

Low-budget indie slasher with oddball humour, a directorial debut by accomplished C-movie actor Trent Haaga (Jessicka Rabid, 2009). We follow the afflicted Lance Reed (multi-hyphenate self-starter Will Keenan a.k.a Billy Bakshi, Tromeo & Juliet, 1996) as he hitchhikes with the wrong psycho (Timothy Muskatell) and is taken on a Saw (2004)-like nightmare to confront his duplicitous past. Is his Indian wife (Tanisha Mukerji) havin extramarital anal sex with his half-brother Bobby (Chad Ferrin) behind his errr... back? Is there an unlikely followup to the skanky whore he shortchanged for a ten-dollar blowjob in the car a long time ago? Doesn't really matter. Lance is bein systematically dismembered bit by bit. With two police detectives (Tamil T. Rhee and the movie's scriptwriter Adam Minarovich) closin in on him, he must figure out what exactly is his captor's game before he loses it all.

Bad news on the doorstep:

For a movie with such determination, it surprisingly fizzles out in the last third and culminates in a completely anti-climactic payoff. Will Keenan carries the show but his comic timin gets no help from the weary screenplay. I think maybe they should've gone all the way OTT instead of recoilin tongue-in-cheek every time they set things up. The tension was missin half the time.

"You are a cheap ass motherfucker who only pays 10 fuckin dollars
for a blowjob in the goddamn parking lot!"

I can't remember if I cried:

Like I said, the endin. I believe maybe even no endin was better than that endin.
Watch out for:

Riskin life & limb.

Would've liked to see more of newcomer Malaya Manson and a trashy Elina Madison (Someone's Knocking At The Door, 2009) who plays a crack ho in this movie. However, the one everyone wants to see catch a glimpse of is undoubtedly Camille Keaton from I Spit On Your Grave (1978) who seems to be makin a comeback with a couple of cameos here and there. Mike Long at DVD Sleuth notes there is a four-minute deleted scene featurin the scream queen on the DVD and that it was actually interestin, not that would have saved the movie but interestin nonetheless. They should've left it in and cut out some of the more redundant parts because I still can't find the damned scene, even after gettin some helpful directions from the people who run the Facebook fan page for the movie.

Malaya Manson & Timothy Muskatell

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Brett Gallman over at Oh, The Horror! appreciated it bein "gruesome and short, two things that are mightily appealing whenever you’re dealing with something that’s basically an extended joke with a bad punch line." It's a peculiar movie that now invokes a strange curiosity in me towards amputee porn. Watch at your own risk.★★
Bonus material:

Director Trent Haaga framin Will Keenan with Elina Madison.

Check out Chop The Movie today on Facebook.

April Fool's Day (1986)

At a glance:

Before there were slashers like Scream (1996), there were already plenty of other movies where a beautiful teen cast would find themselves in a murder mystery, usually in a holiday cabin of some sort - but probably none took itself less seriously than April Fool's Day (1986) did. I should imagine this was a lot of fun in the cinema with friends in those days. There's Valley Girl Deborah Foreman as a prank-lovin hostess, surrounded by colourful white friends, like Thomas F. Wilson (Biff from the Back To The Future films) as a beefy jock and Deborah Goodrich (pic) as a titless but nonetheless commandin blonde. The lot of them go about crackin sex jokes and playin practical jokes on each other throughout the whole film, strangely displayin a presence that is stronger than, say, the pretty cast of any Final Destination flick.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Perhaps one twist too many, when each seemingly horrific deed turns out to be a practical joke. This movie is also known for a very big twist endin that didn't endear itself to too many.

Reminds me of:

Friday The 13th movies, the gold standard of 80s slasher flicks it seems.

Most memorable line:

Nikki: Something about myself? I wanna work with handicapped children. My parents are my best friends. I start convent school next semester and I fuck on the first date. April Fool's!

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Appeal is probably limited since it appears rather dated to anyone who can't identify with its 80s cast. Love Jerry Whitman singin 'Too Bad You're Crazy' at the end credits, though.★★

Men In White (2007) @ 鬼啊!鬼啊!

At a glance:
Remember this crap? Men In White (note that two of the ghosts are actually women) mope about in an abandoned apartment, livin off mouldy oranges and grilled pork offerings. Our ghoulish misfits include, amongst others, the Hip-Kwan-Do (don't ask) gangsta-rappin twins played by Xavier Teo and Ben Yeung, a naggin old madam (Alice Lim), a young girl (Ling Lee, pic) and an obsessive badminton player (Shaun Chen). Stuck in a state of limbo and bored brainless, the lot of them go harassin the livin.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Told chapter by chapter (e.g. can ghosts fall in love?) in what must be an attempt to provide some semblance of structure, it first appears promisin. Soon, it just breezes by like a flurry of sketches, never havin somethin significant to say. If indeed insignificance is the very point, then I'd argue that even as light entertainment, it doesn't have that engagin quality which endears you to it. Contemporaries like Scary Movie 3 might have been infinitely shallower than this, but at least there are scenes we remember for a particular quality. The most arrestin this movie ever got was when the MTV clips came on because the songs were actually quite catchy.
Perennial wonderment:
Kelvin Tong (the only Singaporean director whom I can attest to be a nice guy), found early success with his horror hit The Maid but here he shot off in as many directions he could, all at once. Employin a young cast of pretty faces not mainly known for their actin, he's managed to create an image for this film which invites you to speculate on its content. Infused with a particular blend of Hokkien, English, Cantonese and Mandarin dialogue which is exclusive to people who live in conditions where they hear all four, one does feel that the target audience is restricted to only the two Chinese diaspora on either side of the causeway. It's a good thing Tong went on to shoot a decent horror in Rule #1 and we're now waitin for his Kidnapper, due 2010.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?Men In White doesn't cut it as a rewardin social commentary. It isn't purely slapstick comedy either. What it does feel like is a well-financed, independent pilot episode of what could be a weekly half-an-hour sitcom series, reekin of esoteric Singaporeana and forever lost in translation to those who can't figure out why car accidents and 4D opportunities are so hilarious. With its overdone personalities and uneven execution, Men In White never took itself seriously. We shouldn't either.

Scary Movie 3 (2003)

At a glance:
Spoofin horror movies never got a better billin than the Scary Movie franchise. Among the parodied are Signs, Gothika, 8 Mile, The Matrix and The Ring it seems.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Hate this mind-numbin bollocks. Watched the openin scene to ogle at Jenny McCarthy and Pammy Anderson in their see-through shirts - my fantasy blondes as a pimply teen. The rest of the show can go in the bin.
Perennial wonderment:
If the Movie movies will ever stop. By the way, there's a Scary Movie 5 bein reported on IMDb.
Reminds me of:
The VCD era in Malaysia. Ain't worth the polycarbonate its burned on.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009)

Lesbian Vampire Killers: Does what it says on the tin.

At a glance:
Girls, gore and garlic. Horror-comedy hardly comes more enjoyable (and forgettable) than the aptly-titled Lesbian Vampire Killers, which does what it says on the tin over and over again for almost 90 hollow minutes with no attempt at any sort of lastin cinematic memory, unless you count the intended DVD release (which will no doubt be an item of guilty indulgence). A holiday weekend in Wales for British TV's Gavin and Stacey James Corden and Matthew Horne turns into a bloodsuckin bonanza of Sapphic sirens, the order of the day in a remote village where every young girl turns into a vampire on their 18th birthday. Jimmy (Horne) is here because he's tryin hard to get over his impossibly difficult girlfriend Judy (Lucy Gaskell) and Fletch (Corden) tags along because he's just been fired as a promo clown. It ain't long before they magically meet four hotass visitin foreign students - Heidi, Trudi (Scotland's Mulheron sisters Tiffany and Ashley), Lotte (MyAnna Buring, pic, left, The Descent) and Anke (Louise Dylan). Throw in a vampire-killin vicar (Paul McGann, Withnail And I) and Queen Vampire Carmilla (beautiful Silvia Colloca, pic, right) and you get an adventure fit for slackers, pervos and mind-numbed teens who'd pay good money to sit through any poor excuse of a plot just to see what these characters will do to one another.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Completely forgettable, like I said.
Reminds me of:
Wong Jing's The Vampire Who Admires Me. Same formula. Yum yum.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Stylised B-grade feature with great special effects deservin of a more important movie. Most critics reviewed this negatively as a missed opportunity, considerin its promisin title and cross-genre appeal. It has one or two laugh-out-loud moments of crude humour but mostly it's a passin popcorn movie. More tits could've saved it, really.★★1/2 
Bonus material:

Happier times.

Zombie Strippers! (2008)

At a glance:
You don't have a right to complain if you read the film title. Get over yourself and stop slaggin off intentionally bad movies because you're too damned sophisticated to enjoy well-constructed rubbish! This was 94mins of (mostly) fake tits and fancy G-strings sandwichin semi-brilliant, tongue-in-cheek philosophical discourse. Honest!
Perennial wonderment:
Jenna Jameson - I insist she can act. Really, she can. However, would you rather be a strugglin actress, a mediocre actress, a even a decent actress with a limited shelf-life OR would you rather be the most downloaded pornstar in the world? Also, ownin your own porno company isn't the kind of success any pornstar dares to dream of.
Watch out for:
The stripper (I forgot which) who held up a Nietzche book. Robert Englund (pic) is in this movie too! He's the bloke who was Freddy Kruger in Nightmare On Elm Street.
Most memorable line:
Announcer: Tired of that same old lap dance? Well pull up an extra seat, young fellas, and experience Rino's exclusive face dance! One of our lovely ladies will sit on your face and give birth to your head!
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
. Wouldda been a solid three if it were just a bit faster. That Mexican character was kinda fun.

The Vampire Who Admires Me (2008) @ 有隻僵屍暗戀你

At a glance:
Poster looks too similar to other Wong Jing projects but picture turned out surprisingly decent. His prodigy director Cub Chien outdoes the master in this rather fun movie, what with the bikini chicks and intentionally cheap horror FX, using at least one of the girls from Beauty And The 7 Beasts to boost visuals. A lot of skin to look at but unlike that previous Eric Tsang-starrer, Vampire has superior humour. Not that you have to thank any of the girls for it. They're young, they're hot, they're ridiculously dumb and they have huge breasts hidden behind poor excuses called bikinis, while runnin away from a vampire king under even more ridiculous circumstances. Don't you just miss proper sleazy HK films? Roger Kwok and Xia Yu also provide some much-missed old school classic horror humour throughout the show. Story never gets slow and they know precisely when to cut their losses.
Watch out for:
The 101 scenes of gratuitous titties bouncin here and there. Special mention to busty Natalie Meng (pic, bright orange tie-dye) and also Pan-Asian Annie Belieke (pic, colourful bikini) or whatever the hell she's called. Should be a pornstar.
Best line:
Big-titted Girl #1 to Big-titted Girl #2: "You're so cheap. Why are you in here - can't you see I already got my clothes off for him?"
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Three and a half. Could do with more if there were some decent sex scenes.
Bonus material: