Paper Moon (2013) @ 紙月亮

In Paper Moon, the DOP fashioned a wau from Chrissie Chau's bikini.
Okay, I lied, but they might as well have done that, seeing how bizarre it was.

At a glance:

"Whaddya mean I can't wear this in Kelantan?"

Earnest but every bit as flimsy as its title, Double Vision / Astro Shaw's Paper Moon (2013) a.k.a. 紙月亮 is a peculiar PG-13 / CAT IIB botched time-lapse romance and I wonder how many of its shortcomings the wayfarin TVB director Stanley Law Tak Ming 羅德明 of Ice Kacang Puppy Love fame would admit to himself. Budget-backpedallin to the tune of RM 2.37m only to see an embarrassing collection of just RM 170k over its theatrical run back in January, it's actually a gorgeously shot picture with an luscious production design and several notable Hong Kong stars in its fold. Stars they indeed are, unless you're as disgusted as Anthony Wong when it comes to leggy leng mos like Chrissie Chau Sau Na 周秀娜. We'll come to that later. This cinema release is like an origins story based on the ntv7 teleseries The Iron Lady, starrin the wonderful Yeo Yann Yann as a ball-breakin matriarch of some sort in period times. I'd hate to giveaway the connection, seein that it's also a spoiler but if you've read the vastly differin synopses out there for this movie, you'd realise that the package is suspect from the off.

Bad news on the doorstep:

"Seriously man, when are they gonna call a lunch break?"

Several structural surprises short of goin great guns gonzo, Paper Moon is guilty of makin token references to everythin, includin its eventual connection to the TV series. After you have forgiven the jarringly staged flashbacks, and the intrusive score and sound mix (so often the bane of sappy Sino sentimentality and all forms of Oriental melodrama), we arrive at several most unfortunate chemistry no-go's, the most fatal bein -- who the hell is gonna buy a Lam Ka Tung and Chrissie Chau romance? Worst than havin no affinity with each other, ol' Gordon looks like he genuinely couldn't bear bein in the same room as her. The skinny? It's a convoluted caper about a poor and bitter kitemaker in Kelantan who comes across a sexy tourist one fine day. However, the deluge of sudden info in the final act will befuddle you no end. There's a lot of shoutin and cryin but nobody is touched.

Sucking eggs always leads to sex.

Perennial wonderment:

How Chrissie Chau maintains her Kim Kardashian career is beyond me. Forget the little known Best Actress awards and the name brand of Chrissie Chau for a minute to consider her performance at face value. Is she pullin off the crossover? She tries very hard but sadly, these dramatic roles are beyond her depth. Maybe in 10 years she can be the new Shu Qi but now that they've had a go with her and seen the results, maybe we oughtta keep her in the negligee catalogues with Angelababy for now.

Reminds me of:

Talkative ex-girlfriends (not mine) who send long text messages and cry all the time. Annoyin!

"Hmm... will Nik Aziz approve of us?"

I can't remember if I cried:

When Gordon Lam spoke some token Malay. That sums it up, really. Too much token and too little thought bein placed on tidyin up these disastrous character arcs.

Watch out for:

Some sex scenes on the DVD that didn't make the big screen. They were nothin much but at least singer Tedd Chan 曾国珲 got a go at Chrissie, eh? Good on ya, son.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

At least Tedd Chan got a go at Chrissie, eh?
Good on ya, son.

Two or three rewrites were sorely needed to save this epic wannabe and wannabe epic. Wau, this movie has really brought out the worst puns in me. Bin my keyboard and shoot me already.★★

Feast Of Love (2007)

Feast of lesbian love: Selma Blair and Stana Katic in a doomed affair.

At a glance:

Radha Mitchell bares all. Never again, apparently.

This was one of the earliest movies on a Malaysian screen that I watched and reviewed for my old work place and I still remember what a letdown it was. As appetisin as it sounded, the titular meal in Feast Of Love (2007) was reduced within the hour from what must be a 5-course luncheon in the 2000 Charles Baxter book of the same name, to a quick set lunch; and further cheapened into a McDonald’s Value Meal by the credit roll. Inasmuch as romance is concerned, the failure of Feast is even more surprisin when considerin that it was after all, an R-rated movie with plenty of nudity (though snipped) and top stars who never fail to engage an audience. In a Oregon tale of intertwinin love stories, Morgan Freeman goes on another one of his "wise man" narratives, this time as a love counsellor for confused hearts – the highlights bein Greg Kinnear (Auto Focus, 2002) as a failure of a lover; and Alexa Davalos (The Mist, 2007) as a gypsy-like, pseudo-Bohemian in her doomed lesbo romance with a recoverin junkie; while also frontin his own veteran struggle against the fadin of feelings for his wife (Jane Alexander) as an agein couple who had lost their son.

Bad news on the doorstep:

It's not that these relationships aren't interestin, for they are. Rather, it offers neither real solutions nor ideological perspectives that we haven’t seen before. Greg Kinnear’s loser character finds himself cheated on repeatedly, with no plausible reason as to why he is compensated when he eventually is. Alexa Davalos’ drifter character discovers the need-is-love love-is-need maxim, with no plausible reason as to why she ignores it. The worst is when Radha Mitchell’s promiscuous siren role is paraded with such glory (along with an overdose of skin) without offerin any real meanin or depth to her contribution. The characters in Feast Of Love are annoyingly moral-neutral, invitin dislike even before scepticism.This must go down as an ugly blemish in director Robert Benton's CV, which includes classics such as Superman (1978) and Bonnie And Clyde (1967).

Perennial wonderment:

How does Ebert do it? He astutely points out that director Robert Benton has made better movies about doomed marriages (Kramer vs. Kramer, 1979) but this one has no organic reality because it depends on three artifices: (1) the clockwork success and failure of relationships, (2) the need for Morgan Freeman as a witness, (3) the lickety-split time span that compresses the action so much it loses emotional weight.

I can't remember if I cried:

Erika Marozsán's Hollywood debut. Poor girl.

Extremely heartbreakin that Hungarian beauty Erika Marozsán (pic) waited almost 10 years since Gloomy Sunday (1999) only to star in such a mediocre film for a Hollywood first – and grossly under-utilised at that.

Most memorable line:
"There is a story about the Greek gods. They were bored, so they invented human beings, but they were still bored, so they invented love. Then they weren't bored any longer, so they decided to try love for themselves. And finally they invented laughter, so they could stand it."
Watch out for:

Radha Mitchell's nude scenes keep this movie relevant on DVD shelves today.

Radha Mitchell's sex scenes. She's reportedly fully nude for the first time - though I distinctly remember seein her with Ally Sheedy in some risque behaviour back in High Art (1998). Also, it was reported that she'd never want to do it again after this movie. Savour it while you can, boys.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi? 
Pardonin the cuts (that might have changed this into a four star movie, maybe), it's still puzzlin to see Morgan Freeman sweat so much over so little. Everybody makes their lives more important than they are; and so does the movie. Light-hearted films like Love, Actually (2003) had the humour at least but Feast Of Love is slow with nowhere to go, makin us wonder even harder about the sex that we missed. On a Malaysian screen, this turned out to be no feast at all. A silly snack, more like. The sort of love we get here is like GSC's caramel popcorn – easy to digest and just as easy to forget.★★
Bonus material:

Where can I buy the matching black underwear Radha Mitchell wore in this movie?
The bra and panties set was more memorable than the movie!

Jiwa Taiko (2012)

Sex with strangers: Nadiya Nisaa and Bront Palarae.

At a glance:

I think we have to get to the bad news in the first paragraph itself. If you too thought Osman Ali's Jiwa Taiko (2012) was gonna right all the wrongs in Anak Halal (2009) and combine with the box office sensibilities of KL Gangster (2011), then we're all the same fools who didn't know that fantastic poster actually reads "Jiwang Taiko" ("sentimental triad boss"). Yes, this is a pretty naive outin from the Nuansa stable that has angered no small number of regular Malay cinemagoers, thanks to a grossly misleadin marketin campaign that sought to mask the melodramatic tripe it really is. We follow convalescent ex-con Remy Ishak and his merry band of welfare home misfits as they do battle against his former crime partner Bront Palarae. Throw in a love rectangle or two (could well be a pentagon or hexagon even), some pseudo-silat elements and there you have it - a badly edited RM 620,000 box office disaster. Maybe some of the psychotropic drugs in the movie could help alleviate the shame of havin been outgrossed by M Subash's farcical horror You Believe In Ghost? (2012). My heart goes out to Osman Ali who seems perpetually uninspired in familiar territory.

SOCKKK!!! KAPOWWW!!! BISHHH!!!
Okay, break for lunch!

Bad news on the doorstep:

Like I said - put simply, nobody is buyin the story. Should've kept its old title - Bara Jiwa.

Perennial wonderment:

Apparently some steamy scenes were snipped, so how does a wide-release poster with Bront Palarae prominently holdin a cigarette get passed? I remember the magazine I was with, we were receivin warnin letters from the Home Ministry over a tiny movie still of Tarantino's Grindhouse (2007) in which someone is holdin a cigarette. Guess they're still makin it up on the go.

Reminds me of:

Anti-AIDS and anti-drugs community service ads from Malaysia's 90s.

Watch out for:

I have some sympathy for Bront Palarae, who relishes these psychotic antagonist roles and acts his heart out here. His take on a skinny, doped-up gangster is done with conviction, even if it's actually nothin we ain't seen 30 years ago in Hong Kong triad movies. I guess we have to really scrape the bottom of the barrel for any positivity in a paper-thin script like this. Special mention here for Nadiyatul Nisaa a.k.a. Nadiya Nisaa who plays problem girl Lara. The poor girl is completely out of her depth, although her beauty mole does exude some dirty girl appeal, sorta like a Malay Blake Lively. I shit you not, this Malaysian Film Festival Pelakon Harapan winner for Cun (2011) would've done better for herself if she turned in a mute performance, instead of shriekin English lines like "I need to think!!!" and bein generally very annoyin at a high-pitch.

"How do you know it was me
who passed the herpes to you?"

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Readin Osman Ali's defence doesn't help. The jury is already out on its Facebook fan page. Both action and romance border on comical farce. Gratuitous huggin and kissin invoke the wrath of more conservative audiences but on merit alone, this is an insult to the rudimentary plebeian tastes of an already undemandin target crowd. What a huge disappointment.★1/2

Bonus material:

A missed opportunity.

Chantek (2012)

Love is blind... so fall in love with your Indonesian maid.

Pierre Andre keepin up appearances
with Henri Gundah Gulana (!!!)

At a glance:

I couldn't get enough of the shockin non-chemistry in Gerimis Mengundang (2012) the other day, so I thought I'd endure another awkward Indonesian-Malaysian pairin that has the Malaysian half out-acted by leaps and bounds. Chantek (2012) is a resurgent Pierre Andre's vanity project that is fatally flawed (by his own admission) about a Malaysian actor who falls in love with his Indonesian help under bizarre, comical and frankly, quite outrageous circumstances. Don't we all wish we were someone's son, eh? Movie came and went, to the tune of just RM 100,000 at the Malaysian cinemas, accordin to the FINAS jokers. It played for just 12 days. Yikes.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Wannabe moody movie star.
Twisted genius ooo...

Not content with his real life speech impediment, Pierre Andre plays a blind actor who develops a ridiculous sense of misogyny after an odd openin where he catches his lover (the nymphomaniac Zarina Anjoulie Lavocah) in bed with a cigar-chompin old man. His portrayal of a moody movie star is too self-absorbed and demandin for the audience, even before the introduction of his annoyin pondan manager (Chew Kin Wah in a cheesy gay role that must have Chinese homosexuals everywhere in disgust) or his titular Indonesian house servant Chantek (a resplendent Nurul Ekasari Rosihan Anwar). From there, it's Planet Plot Hole. Tell me if you actually make it to the twist.
Perennial wonderment:

This movie blinds me.
Really.

Funny how the director, scriptwriter and actor Pierre Andre apparently went to Indonesia to cast Nurul out of some 700 hopefuls but she ends up trumpin him in the movie. The winsome 24-year-old newcomer has reportedly received more actin offers in Jakarta after showin producers this Malaysian movie. Bet it was just the trailer!

Reminds me of:

Watchin Pierre Andre and Fasha Sandha in the rom-com 9 September (2007).

Most memorable line:

Abon & Chew Kin Wah

"Nasi goreng gila? Kenapa nama makanan korang pelik-pelik? Tak boleh ke letak nama yang elok-elok? Nasi goreng sopan santun ke, nasi goreng Siti Nurhaliza ke?"

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Obviously the film was badly edited to the point of story suicide.You feel sorry for movies like these. Sincerely hope Pierre Andre will eventually make a good movie one day. ★1/2
Bonus material:

Who makes movie posters this ugly?

Nurul Ekasari: A blindin beauty, if you'd pardon the pun.

The day the music died:

R.I.P.  singer Arie Wibowo (5 April 1952 - 14 April 2011)
who immortalised the 1984 Bill and Brod hit Madu Dan Racun,
a number that Pierre Andre confidently bastardised for Chantek.

Gerimis Mengundang (2012)

"Aha! Now the boys will believe I had me some Danish pastry."

At a glance:

Boy is this piss poor movie. The title Gerimis Mengundang (Malay literal: "drizzle invites"), also a theatre play earlier in the year, is a nod to the '96 hit ballad from Malay rock band SLAM (not coincidentally, the lead character is named Zamani after the band's frontman). Story? Indonesian ambassador's daughter nearly decapitates Sabah Air pilot in a Kota Kinabalu jet ski mishap but obviously romance must blossom, stretchin the requisite 90-minute runtime.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Managin a meagre RM 220,000 at the Malaysian screens accordin to the FINAS jokers, this is likely the worst Malay movie I've survived since 2 Alam (2010) and I do feel sorry for its scribe Azwan Annuar, a nice guy whom I know. It plays out like an encyclopaedia of moviemakin errors for film students to take note of. Its amateurish editin, invasive music score and total disregard for a need of Act I, Act II etc. are horrific, but nothin is more terrifyin than the completely non-existent chemistry between the two leads, which trumps even the travesty of Joey Exist and Julie Ziegler in Toyol Nakal (2011) accordin to one review. There is no reason to believe they love each other, hate each other or even have met each other - maybe they shot them separately with a green screen!

"Fuck me, I can't believe I'm wearing the ugliest jacket in the world for this movie."

Perennial wonderment:

Henny Yuliani and Dhitra Marfie,
who looks like my friend, Kurt.

Why do they bother with these collaborations? Are there tax reasons? Silly serumpun sentiments? Add this entry to the recent spate of Malaysian films with strong Indonesian input: Christine Hakim, Dian Sastro and Slamet Rahardjo in Puteri Gunung Ledang (2004), Teuku Zacky in Kayangan (2007), Tamara Bleszyński in Cicakman 2 (2008), Samuel Rizal in the appallin Sayang (You Can Dance) (2009), Revalina Temat in Cintaku Forever (2007) and not to mention other suspect movies like Diva (2007) and Tipu Kanan, Tipu Kiri (2008).

Reminds me of:

It's got a scene or two at the Sutera Harbour Resort, a beautiful place I once stayed.

I can't remember if I cried:

"Hmm. I wonder what this button does..."

After you've forgiven Kamal Adli for the ugly black jacket he wears in the movie and his longtime real-life model girlfriend Intan Ladyana for not givin him much wardrobe sense, let's get to his actin. He had publicly admitted he was out of his depth for the theatre adaptation so I'm afraid how bad that must've been because in this movie, he's pretty rubbish. To think this Aku Ada Kau Ada (2012) actor was even Pelakon Harapan nominee sometime ago for his role in Niyang Rapik (2010). He's all over the place here, with a comically illogical character arc that leaves us gigglin each time. There's even a scene of him cartwheelin across vege stalls while chasin a thief in Kota Kinabalu's Filipino Market. O my days, who should be shot - the action director or Kamal Adli?

Olivia Jensen: Decked in sinuangga and tapi,
Kadazan gear never had a hotter, whiter model.

Watch out for:

Olivia Lubis Jensen, the Copenhagen-born, 19-year-old lolita of Danish-Indonesian descent. She put in a remarkably mature contribution and provided the only reason to finish the film, if you could manage it. Decked in sinuangga and tapi, Kadazan gear probably never had a hotter, whiter model. She's also the only Indonesian in here without the unnatural, overclear baku that plagues the other performances.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Like Indonesian reviewer Daniel Irawan, I think this is a technical disaster of love story template that may have served more as diplomatic downtime between the two squabblin nations. And like my colleague Fadli over at Tontonfilem, I too found Olivia Jensen's snow white thighs to be the sole consolatory highlight of this otherwise putrid film. ★
Bonus material:

See what I mean. Were they even in the same movie?
No chemistry whatsoever.

Birthday Girl (2001)

At a glance:

This is a quiet but memorable British item that may have had no relevance today if not for it bein on Nicole Kidman's CV. Ben Chaplin (pic) is unassumin bank clerk John who lived a rather mundane, loveless life in St Alban before decidin to get himself a Russian mail order bride one fine day. The gorgeous Nadia (Nicole Kidman, pic) arrives only for him to discover that she doesn't speak any English. While waitin for the agency to get back to him on the matter, things turn out quite alright as they both struggle to communicate with each other in a clumsily romantic way. Nadia is extremely obedient and docile and we see how hard she tries to make John happy, especially as she indulges him in his sexual fantasies. John is very pleased with her and begins to fall for her quiet charm. Just as the plot looks headed for fairytale fluff, enter Nadia's two friends Yuri and Alexei (played by Mathieu Kassovitz and the omnipresent Vincent Cassel) to unsettle the mood. Somethin is definitely amiss and we begin to suspect that Nadia is not all as she seems.

Bad news on the doorstep:

If you don't find Nicole Kidman one of the most compellin female actresses in the world, chances are you will find this one a bit predictable and cliched. Despite a solid script, the stars do have to drive it.

Watch out for:

The giraffe jokes and some kinky Kidman scenes.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Neat little three-star romantic thriller with generous touches of wry humour. Chaplin is convincin as the inhibited John and it's easy to sympathise with his character. Kidman's role is humanised in a realistic way without being overly sentimental. There's a beautifully strange chemistry between them and I should think the audience get coaxed into wantin their relationship to work. This is a movie that doesn't take itself too seriously, with no real profound messages to impart. The value lies in its fluid, unpretentious story-tellin and adorably lazy texture. My chief complaint about this movie would be its slightly overly-sweet closin but I take nothin away from a generally well-made film.
Trailer for the curious:

I Wish I Had A Wife (2001) @ 나도 아내가 있었으면 좋겠다

At a glance:

Park Heung-sik's I Wish I Had A Wife 나도 아내가 있었으면 좋겠다 is the worst Korean movie experience a man can get. Forget the wife, you’d sooner wish you had a life – instead of havin to spend time and money watchin this. While its advantages are few and far between, the problems abound shamelessly. Revolvin around a bank teller with serious personality issues, our man goes on a subdued panic attack after he realises the undeniable emptiness in his borin white-collar workin life gives him nobody to call when he is stuck on a subway train for an hour. Amazin then – he concludes that he needs a wife. Our hero-with-a-calculator Bong-soo (Sul Kyoung-gu) goes on a 100-minute meanderin moan about his solitude. His ponderings are so secular, self-indulgent and ridiculous that it becomes shockin to see somethin so uninterestin go up on screen for a feature-length movie. True to Korean cinema clichés (read: everythin is more important than it really is), there are hardly any movie messages to note when Mr. Need-A-Wife hunts his bride far and wide, illogically ignorin the cute school teacher who fancies him. This mouse of a woman, Won-Ju (Jeon Do-yeon), is so terribly cute, one is in danger of bleedin pumpkin pies from one’s ears whenever she graces the screen.

Bad news on the doorstep:
Peppered with Bong-soo’s random magic tricks (he can poke an invisible hole through a 1000-won note!) and other miscellaneous fillers like CCTV footage of what bored people do at the ATM booth, I Wish I Had A Wife has but one savin grace as defence - the awkward courtship between the lead pair is quirky enough to be screen-worthy at times because it is more realistic than the picture-perfect Hollywood plot devices we are used to. Is this enough for you to watch it?

Perennial wonderment:

One suspects that this is actually an ill-advised direct and unaltered adaptation from some writer’s own experience. This movie is too quiet without being poignant, too random without bein artsy, and perhaps too ‘real’ to make a movie out of. Even if you pardon the soppy music score, askin an audience to sit through a low-key drama about one man’s wife-hunt with so little reward is truly selfish on the filmmakers’ part.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

It refused to be a ‘good’ bad movie when it could – and worse, to end when it should. You couldn’t leave the cinema seat faster. ★1/2

(500) Days Of Summer (2009)

At a glance:
Offbeat, dreamy and soundtrack-charged while amazingly maintainin a healthy distance from the dreaded teen genre we've come to loathe, this movie is a success story of sorts. Firstly, it walloped the sixth Harry Potter movie on a per-theatre basis when it went on limited release in the U.S. back in July. Then, there's multi-talented Zooey Deschanel (pic) who recently tied the knot (somethin her character found very difficult to do in the movie). Seems like everythin surroundin this gem of a date movie simple oozes positivity, down to the blue-centric colour palette used in the movie to bring out Deschanel's eyes! Told out of order with title cards to denote which days out of the titular 500 did the lovers do what, (500) Days Of Summer takes us through a serendipitous romance that is not so much witty as it is silly - but the winsome pairin of Deschanel with Joseph Gordon-Levitt (pic) as a suitor is at once disarmin and completely engagin. The male character Tom goes through courtship hell with his crush Summer, as we watch them through 95 clumsy but meaningful minutes of shower sex, Ikea shoppin and Brit pop discussions. There's even a delightful Bollywood-style musical sequence like what Toby Maguire did in Spider-Man 3.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Some elements took some shine away from the experience - plenty of tame humour and extended periods of pointless inactivity that could've been omitted. The assurin narrator who started us off on the story doesn't return to send us off on a happy endin either.
Reminds me of:
Walkin around Ikea with a male friend of mine after watchin Serendipity at 1 Utama. Gay.
Watch out for:
If you're watchin this in Malaysia, the word "penis" is cut from the park rendezvous, in case you're wonderin what that whole scene was about.
Most memorable line:
Aha! To protect you, I can't say.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Four stars. A strong finish. Prevailin social sentiments on contemporary romance elevate the movie from inoffensive to memorable. Some may wish there were 500 more of them days.