Poker King (2009) @ 撲克王

At a glance:
The La Lingerie team of Chan Hing Ka and Janet Chun co-direct this kononnya gamblin movie.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Watch the first and last 10 minutes of Poker King but not the long 100 in between. That's because the lavish Macau-set project boasts such high production values and yet can't put a decent story to a movie that could've at least pretended to be similar to the standard Wong Jing gamblin fare. We get a completely unconvincin hodgepodge of a plot with bizarre character development, startin off with Louis Koo (pic) as a math genius who goes through a compendium of personalities, rangin from geeky and gay to rude and suave - all within the same movie. He's pitched against a gamin kingpin named Uno (Lau Ching Wan) who is unbelievably and unnecessarily stuck in a tug-of-war for the casino conglomerate with the math genius. More ridiculous storytellin comes by way of inconsequential romantic interludes involvin an unlucky drifter named Smiley (an ineffective Stephy Tang), a low-life biscuit maker (pathetic boyband actor Wong Yau Nam), a sexy female bodyguard (an underutilised Jolene Kuk) and a poker player turned secretary (a pointless Cherrie Ying). Let's not forget Josie Ho's bafflin role either, as a rival gamin boss who sleeps with Uno for no ascertainable reason whatsoever.
Perennial wonderment:
Is it very really so difficult to get a decent script?
I can't remember if I cried:
When I heard the joke about the Josie Ho's black bra and wintermelon. CE nak mampus.
Reminds me of:
Look For A Star, that other fluff that was shot in Macau. That one was better though.
Watch out for:
Cherrie Ying (pic). She got heat. She needs to go move back to America and star in some flesh-barin indie roles to make it big, instead of loiterin about for another 10 years in HK with roles like this.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
So jarrin is this adventure that it won't be surprisin if you were told this movie was written by 30 people, each contributin a different page for the screenplay. By the time we have the customary poker match finale, it's a little too late for us to care. Whatever aces Poker King was holdin before its general release, it's not unfair to say that the only straight flush we're lookin at is one at the cinema toilet. There goes a stinker.

On His Majesty's Secret Service (2009) @ 大內密探靈靈狗

"So... where's that tattoo of yours, Barbie?"

At a glance:
This ain't Seeding Of A Ghost or Picture Of A Nymph but there shouldn't be a single HK cinema fan who ain't goin to have a good time watchin this new Wong Jing comedy. Set in the days of lavish brothels and palace politics, the James Bond here is not a suave British spy like the movie's 1969 Ian Fleming namesake On Her Majesty's Secret Service but good ol' Louis Koo (pic) in a comedic role as a bumblin scientist-cum-emperor guardsman 009 (Zero Zero Dog in Cantonese) who knows more about inventin strange impractical devices than practical kickass kungfu.
Perennial wonderment:
For this outin, Wong Jing doesn't indulge in his usual multiple-siren lineup to drive the humour, like he did in Beauty & The Seven Beasts or The Vampire Who Admires Me. That's because if a movie is going to star the brash and bewitchin Sandra Ng, you're best off lettin her steal the screen!
I can't remember if I cried:
Riddle: With what part of a man's body should he use to feed his baby son when the toddler wakes up hungry and cryin in the middle of the night? You'll be devastatingly tickled by the answer.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Enjoyable nonsensical story about a royal coup d'etat, benefits from havin an old school storytellin format and some credible performances from its cast, not to mention some token fight sequences. Even the cutesy beauty Barbie Hsu (who plays Louis Koo's disgruntled love interest, pic) pulls her own weight beyond just smilin stupidly. Faux lesbianism and overdone eunuch jokes aside, this is one of the funniest Hong Kong movies so far this year. It's also a real Cantonese movie so forget it if you have to read the mistranslated subtitles. However if you're in on the lingo, it's time to go update yourself with some top-shelf Canto banter.★★★

I Corrupt All Cops (2009) @ 金錢帝國

"I give, you take. Everybody happy."

At a glance:

Best nyer. Ada duit.

Seasonal sex farce rubbishman Wong Jing stretches semi-serious in this messy, unfocused and overcrowded crime drama loosely centred around how the Independent Commission Against Corruption (ICAC) in HK came to be, told mostly through the eyes of Eason Chan's morally ambiguous bent cop character. Movie benefits from a stellar cast with solid turns from everyone - Anthony Wong (pic) has fun bein a lowlife cop and Tony Leung is effortlessly glorious as the underhanded police chief (can't dribble a football to save his life, though). Even the fattie filmmaker Wong Jing himself is very watchable as a bent middleman. Some sporadic cheesiness but the stars make it worthwhile.
Bad news on the doorstep:
A lot of Anthony Wong's cutterblade Canto-cussin is omitted if you're watchin this in a Malaysian cinema. Wonder if there were tits.
Perennial wonderment:
Tony fuckin Leung, the ugly (and more talented) one. He and Sun Hong Lei are the nastiest-lookin chinamen bastards onscreen ever, I'd say. At least I've seen Roy Cheung play a good guy in a movie before but these two have facial bones, muscular twitches and psycho countenance that spell taiko trouble like nobody can.
Watch out for:
Busty broad Natalie Meng Yao, the Wong Jing-favourited milk factory (to borrow Anthony Wong's words) who has been, err... industrious since Beauty And The Seven Beasts, My Wife Is A Gambling Maestro and The Vampire Who Admires Me.
Most memorable line:
I caused him to lose face? Here, take this money. Ask him to make a new face with this money.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Three and a half. Greatly flawed but nevertheless entertainin.

Bonus material:
I have loads of movie stills for you. Enjoy.

Natalie Meng. Yum!

"Ok man. You win. I won't make another stupid movie ever again."