3096 Days (2013) @ 3096 Tage

How much weight did Antonia Campbell-Hughes lose to play a paedophile's muse? Apparently he kept her malnourished so she'd look more like daddy's little girl.

The real Natascha Maria Kampusch

At a glance:

3096 Days (2013) by Sherry Hormann (Desert Flower, 2009) is based on the 2010 autobiography of Natascha Maria Kampusch, the Austrian woman known for her abduction at the age of 10 back in 1998. Kampusch was held in a secret cellar by her kidnapper Wolfgang Přiklopil for more than eight years, until she escaped in 2006. The lass has gotten worldwide attention since and she's some kinda celebrity activist now, takin pics with Sri Lankan kids and whatnot.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Since the movie is based on her account of the harrowin events, we get a decent technical runaround e.g. the renovated dungeon and other physical details of the incarceration. However, while Antonia Campbell-Hughes really gives her all as Natascha and Thure Lindhardt makes a memorable villain, the little emotions are absent in this screenplay and her terrible ordeal -- one that you would expect to be riddled with desperation, reflection and total anguish -- seems as if it wasn't even a true story. Guess what? Maybe it isn't. There are plenty of documented instances where Miss Kampusch was caught lyin about the details and you can read online the many competin theories as to what really happened durin those 3096 days. See, some people think she's not so much a victim as she makes herself out to be. Apparently, she even cried when told about the fate of her abductor. All the speculation is infinitely more fascinatin than the movie proper, so do give it a Google. Read the IMDb boards, if you like. It would surely go some way towards explainin why these characters seem so one-dimensional. There simply isn't enough goin on here to convince the viewer than Natascha was bein held against her will.

"Fuck. I'm gonna miss prom night."

Perennial wonderment:

Maybe if the renowned German filmmaker and director Bernd Eichinger didn't die with his unfinished script, we'd have a better movie. After all, he did option her book and wanted Kate Winslet for Natascha, you know? Couldn't been like The Reader (2008), maybe. Anyway, this movie is apparently also based on his unfinished script.

Thirtysomething Antonia Campbell-Hughes playing a thirteen-year-old girl?
It would've been illegal to cast someone true-to-age, perhaps.

Home but never alone.

Reminds me of:

A bit of Trade (2007) and The Reader (2008) but those were well above average movies. This one's more like The Seasoning House (2012) if you're talkin about how hollow it feels.

I can't remember if I cried:

The sight of Antonia Campbell-Hughes in all her frail nakedness invites disgust and some sympathy but it's hard to invest in her character because we don't get to see what makes her tick. Some sequences in this drama approach art but somethin just ain't right with the whole setup. By the way, extended scenes of the girl in the nude do serve as one of the few ways by which we can feel some force of realism behind the turns of events, so you're pretty much completely shortchanged if you're watchin anythin less than the 1hr50min cut.

Most memorable line:

None. However I would like to mention that the dubbed British English dialogue is rather strange and off-puttin. Did they manage to go as far as they wanted to with this production idea? One reviewer I read remarked that you get Irish and Danish actors, playin Austrian people who talk with German accents.

Some of them want to use you.
Some of them want to be of use.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

A follow-up movie oughtta be interestin. One that disputes her version of events. It would've been a more meaningful endeavour that would've been taken seriously if little Amelia Pidgeon played the girl throughout the whole show, without an older actress supplantin her. Meanwhile, we can all watch Michael (2011) or go kidnap our own pre-pubescent chick to see for ourselves if it really is this easy to keep a girl in your cellar for 3096 days and take her out shoppin once in a while.★★
Bonus material:

So this is what Miss Kampusch does with her time these days.

Rape For Profit (2012)

Rape For Profit: Women and children are helpless victims and it's all men's fault.

At a glance:

Narrow and naive, to say the least.

Backed by executive producer Jada Pinkett Smith and her NGO Don't Sell Bodies, Eric Esau and Jason Pamer's Rape For Profit (2012) is a Mew Films documentary the Huffington Post apparently calls "disturbing and provocative", though of course the writer behind this randy movie review blog will dismiss as little more than a narrow and naive worldview of the world's oldest profession, based on a few prostitutes in downtown Seattle, or to use a more sympathetic term as advocated by the film's extremely one-sided take on the trade, "prostituted women". Culled from hundreds of hours of ridealong footage with Sea-Tac street crimes unit and the Seattle high-risk victims unit, this 86-minute film purports to take the audience undercover for an up-close look at the true nature of the sex trade. Hmm... surely a movie review on a documentary that is against the objectification of women does not belong on a blog that verily celebrates it such as mine?

Bad news on the doorstep:

Hmm... I wish I had a therapist who looks like this.

The only thing powerful about this documentary is how the supercharged cops shame and shout at pimps, not to mention how the filmmakers see fit to drive around ambushin customers in some sort of vigilante effort to administer guilt, to the extent of causin an accident. You see the pigs in made-for-camera Batman-type roles, brandishin their brand of law with healthy doses of morality lectures. Even more gung-ho are the filmmakers, who directly confront the johns and ask them how they could do it to their wives, why porn ain't enough and why they had to come out and act on it, with no intention of procurin a meaningful answer. Far from bein an insightful tell-all exposé, this is the moral catharsis of several well-intentioned individuals and their respective organisations whose hearts are no doubt in the right places, however the total demonisation of the johns and the total vindication of the girls reflect a painfully mainstream point of view. Footage of interviews with mayors, councillors, district attorneys and even industry experts who all endorse the same position seal this for me as a missed opportunity. If you truly believe people who say "very few women end up around the world in what we call prostitution without a history of prior sexual harm" and that porn is a dress rehearsal for men who look for hookers, then go ahead and watch it.

Kiddie porn?

Perennial wonderment:

Did you know that whores ask would-be customers to whip their dicks out so that they can filter out cops? Just about the only genuinely interestin thing I learned from this movie. Oh wait, I also learned that cops surf backpage.com and escort sites lookin for a lack of hip and waist development in under-aged girls that are advertised as barely legal. Haha!

Reminds me of:

All those we've lost along the way.

I can't remember if I cried:

Rape victim with a pretty sad general history of abuse.

Some of the horror stories shared by the victims are truly heartbreakin but the filmmakers' forceful handlin of the pimps and also the whores are so laughably didactic and deluded that I find the effort almost difficult to believe as an unstaged documentary. Among the include "Don't say sorry to me, say sorry to her", "Do you think she wanted to grow up to be in some alley to suck dick?" "You are happier here now! This is much better for you!" and "You're precious, you're a princess and you have value and worth and I'm sorry you didn't grow up hearing that." Bah.

Johns can't seem to spell right, can they?

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

The mention of Green River killer Gary Ridgway (a necrophiliac with a penchant for whores) and various other unhelpful content serve only to cloud the issue further, though I'm glad that cop did manage to get the 24-hour drop-in help centre open after so many years of tryin. Check out the official website and Facebook fan page for more info. However, if I were you, check out American Courtesans (2013), Whores' Glory (2011) or even I Am A Sex Addict (2005) for a less naive viewpoint, if not a more entertainin and fascinatin one.★★
Bonus material:

"It has been said that prostitution and rape are two sides of the same coin."

I saw this witty review on IMDb written by an American user called timlin-4. My sentiments on this film seem closest to this fella, so I'll publish it below verbatim, since I cannot better it.

The Victim (2011)

The incredibly tempting but titless scream queen Danielle Harris.

Real life lovers Michael Biehn and Jennifer Blanc.

At a glance:

The tagline asks: "Who is the victim?" Well, you mostly likely are, if you sat through this, like I did. The Victim (2011) is written and directed by Hollywood veteran Michael Biehn who couldn't resist also starrin in the damned thing, while castin his buxom wife Jennifer Blanc opposite him. Well actually, they started their own production house and this is the first of three pictures they shopped, I think. It's an R-rated effort about two sluts (Blanc and the equally trashy Danielle Harris) who are fixin to get it on with two police officers (Ryan Honey, Denny Kirkwood) in the woods but their tryst is compromised and Blanc's character escapes to a cabin inhabited by a mysterious loner (Biehn). Title refers to the guessin game we have to play, as we try to figure out their competin stories on just who is bein fucked over here.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Ryan Honey takes forever to come with Danielle Harris in The Victim (2011).

Jennifer Blanc-Biehn and Danielle Harris.

Reportedly shot over 12 days for US $800k, mostly in Topanga Canyon, close to Malibu, California, and marketed as grindhouse fare, helmer Michael Biehn apologetically said he "got the sex in, because I didn’t have money for special effects makeup, I didn’t have money for visual effects. I didn’t have money for crowd scenes of car chases, nothing like that and so I just went with the sex, dirty cops, drugs, a little bit of torture, and enough to do a little bit of action, and I threw in a serial killer." Well, that's all well and good but The Victim largely suffers from a structural issues i.e. unhelpful flashbacks and music that are well sourced but don't work. The onscreen sex between the husband and wife team is so sudden, it's hilarious. Biehn will always have his fans but I think Mrs. Biehn's actin and delivery still has some way to go. She's pushin 40 but she's got a voluptuous body, though.

Perennial wonderment:

What's the next level for Danielle Harris, I wonder? She's famous now after doin the Halloween and Hatchet movies, and I seem to always end up watchin her less illustrious appearances as well, such as Stake Land (2010), Cyrus (2010), ChromeSkull: Laid To Rest 2 (2011) and most recently Fatal Call before this favour to Michael Biehn.

Reminds me of:

Jennifer Blanc pleasures Denny Kirkwood in The Victim (2011).

Primal sex in the woods with betattooed women of loose morals... or was that all a dream sequence? Oh noooooooo ...
I can't remember if I cried:
What kind of girl would offer to give head in exchange for "living a little longer and doing something I've always enjoyed"? The kind of girl in a B-grade sexploitation flick, I guess. Oh, and what kind of guy would allow a girl to? An incredibly stupid one, that's for sure.

Most memorable line:

Some weak lines throughout but please do check out Michael Biehn's bizarre monologue on sociopaths in the closin scene, about "touching the face of God".

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Biehn at work.

Alan Cerny of Ain't It Cool News acquits The Victim as "a fun sleazy grindhouse film", in which Biehn was lauded for both givin a good performance and gettin good performances out of his actors. I can't say I can be as excited for it, but watchin the end credits reel does make me feel more forgivin towards the people behind it, who must've put in a lot of effort. I guess if I were Michael Biehn, this would definitely be somethin I'd proud to start out with. Good luck for your next try, sir. ★★1/2
Bonus material:

Danielle Harris. Not my kind of body type but she got heat, alright.

Paranormal Whacktivity (2013)

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Lovelace (2013)

Peter Sarsgaard tickles Amanda Seyfried's tonsils in Lovelace (2013).

At a glance:

The real Linda Lovelace.

How far does a girl have to go to untangle her tingle, asks the poster for Deep Throat (1972), the purported most profitable indie flick of all time at some $600m (not accordin to the mob who funded it), out of which tragic starlet Linda Lovelace received none of the US$1250 owed to her. I wish I were livin in those pre-Internet days to experience fuck flicks at standalone cinema wankathons, at least once in my life. If I did, I wish I got to know Linda Susan Boreman, the unassumin Florida schoolgirl turned world famous porn star, often credited as bringing adult entertainment into the forefront of mainstream attention. This very sympathetic and one-sided Andy Bellin / W. Merritt Johnson treatment is a biopic based on Eric Danville's 2001 book The Complete Linda Lovelace, focusin on how the lass escapes her religious mother (Sharon Stone) to meet and marry the charismatic hustler Chuck Traynor (Peter Sarsgaard) who would end up bein her papa pimp and punisher. Who would've thought that Linda's impressive capacity for fellatio would send her up the dizzyin heights of international superstardom and then down so far to the lowest levels of human depravity? Lovelace (2013) is a movie I was excited to read about and I wanted to like.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Juno Temple would've been my top choice for Linda.

Dirty beauties Juno Temple and Chloe Sevigny both have small roles in this and I wish either of them had landed the leadin part instead. Was Amanda Seyfried cast because of her freckles and her 60s style, upside-down heart-shaped tits? I read that Kate Hudson was first choice! What a disaster that would've been. Far more critical than that, of course, is how easily the picture goes down, when contrasted against the cultural significance of its characters. I'm talkin about how it "reduces an immensely disturbing, politically byzantine tale to a series of cartoonish vignettes" and how "this celeb-studded biopic squanders a gutsy performance by Amanda Seyfried while making '70s porn look scarcely more sleazy than a movie-of-the-week melodrama from the period", accordin to Rob Nelson for Variety. Sarsgaard and Adam Brody especially give some layered, highly watchable performances but the way all the characters enter and exit the proceedings, e.g. Playboy legend Hugh Hefner played by James Franco, simply devalues the explosive subject matter. Not only is the camerawork rather static, the characterisation makes caricatures out of everyone and many potentially powerful scenes lose their emotional gravitas, e.g. Dad (Robert Patrick) talkin to his little girl on the phone about how he had to walk out of the cinema, and Linda survivin a beatin in the streets only to be rescued by cops who were more interested in gettin her autograph.

Well, at least the retro typeset and production design was spot on.

James Franco's pipe-wielding Hugh Hefner!

Perennial wonderment:

Will we ever find out how much the movie actually made? Did Hugh Hefner really get a blowjob from Linda and was he really a sympathetic figure who wanted her to be a legitimate movie star? Was Linda actually a pathological liar and used everyone, just as much as they used her? It would've been nice to at least cover the other angle about how she felt the anti-porno movement also manipulated her durin her last days.

Reminds me of:

The wonderfully depressin biopics Auto Focus (2002) about Bob Crane and What's Love Got To Do With It (1993) about Tina Turner - both of which are vastly more resonant and wholly entertainin than this one.

I can't remember if I cried:

When it stopped at 92 minutes. What kind of self-respectin biopic has such a short runtime? No wonder everythin seems rushed!

Most memorable line:

Chuck says: "No, Linda, it's Shakespeare. I told them you do a great English accent, particularly with a cock down your throat."

Innit sad that a movie so big gave so little to Linda?

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Total Film's Kate Sables notes that for a movie obsessed with truth-tellin, Lovelace "ignores the competing accounts of its heroine’s porno past, privileging only her own version". Another online comment dismisses Lovelace as "nothing more than a by-the-numbers, woman empowerment, Lifetime channel Movie Of The Week…with nudity". I do feel it's not very tender and disappointingly mediocre. For a more academic view on the topic, check out the 2005 documentary Inside Deep Throat. By the way, does anyone know what happened to that other Linda Lovelace story that was supposed to be out this year, Inferno: A Linda Lovelace Story (2013), starrin Malin Akerman and Sasha Grey? I read that Lindsay Lohan was supposed to be the lead. Oh well, meanwhile I'll have to check out Paul Schrader's The Canyons to see how LiLo is doin. ★★1/2
The day the music died:

R.I.P. Linda "Lovelace" Boreman (26 Jan 1949 - 22 Apr 2002)
and Charles Everett "Chuck" Traynor (21 Aug 1937 - 22 July 2002)

Bonus material:

Some of them like to use you, some of them like to be of use.

Milf (2010)

Wild things: Jack Cullison samples Amy Lindsay's MILF mounds.

At a glance:

Welcome to the motherload and the world of overripe melons, brought to you by the director of Sharkalanche (2013), Scott Wheeler, and the mockbuster producers behind Sharknado (2013), The Asylum. After failing romantically with girls their own age, a group of nerdy male college students discover the excitement of hookin up with sexy older women, often referred to as MILFs. Lifelong best friends Brandon (Jack Cullison) and Anthony (Philip Marlatt) as well as their geek/gamer friends Nate (Joseph Booton) and Ross (Ramon Camacho) succeed beyond their wildest dreams as they boink mature lady after mature lady. However, when Brandon gets slightly too attached to Anthony’s sexually active mother (Amy Lindsay), their whole scheme begins to fall apart.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Amy Lindsay and Molinee Green in Milf (2010).

Peppered with boob shots throughout all 88 minutes, the proceedings are more banal than the last overmilked American Pie addition, the unbearable American Reunion (2012). In fact, there's one scene that does seems inspired from the popular degenerate series and it's probably the highlight of this otherwise pedestrian effort. Simply not enough entertainment value here to make you stick to the screen, so your best bet is to leave this on the telly while other things happen in the room.

After school homework.

Perennial wonderment:

Is it true that the Korean-American actor John Cho made popular the word MILF through the American Pie movies? So before the 1999 release of the first flick, the Moro Islamic Liberation Front must've been a badass Muslim rebel group that couldn't sell any t-shirts.

Reminds me of:

Cougars Inc. (2011) and Cougar Hunting (2011). Yes, I watched them. I must hate myself. However, what I hate more than myself is the annoyin English bloke in this movie who seems to be modelled after Seann William Scott's Stifler in the American Pie movies, with none of the watchable charm.

"Hey Johnny, I'm doing something you did when you were just a baby!"

I can't remember if I cried:

The co-ed love interest (Jamie Bernadette) looks older than all the MILFs. How does that work?

Most memorable line:

"What? We're in college now. I'm now officially one year older than she was when she birthed you." and "Hey man, if anybody was gonna be sleepin' with my mum, I'm glad it was you." That's the level of writin you can in sex comedies of this generation, I reckon.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

"Hurrah! We finished watching the movie!"

The MILFs aren't even stunners. Jog on, fellas. Go watch Revenge Of The Nerds (1984) instead.★
Bonus material:
Here are some tits, so you can skip the movie.

Porn star Molinee Green drops her towel.

Be My Slave (2012) @ 私の奴隷になりなさい

Mayama Akihiro flicks Mitsu Dan's bean in Be My Slave (2012).

Took this from the Facebook fan page.

At a glance:

Tôru Kamei's Be My Slave (私の奴隷になりなさい transliterated as Watashi no Dorei ni Narinasai) is an adult drama based on a Shu Satami novel, featurin model Mitsu Dan 壇蜜 (born Shizuka Saito) in the titular role. She plays an employee at a publishin company with some serious sexual needs, lurin a younger colleague (Mayama Akihiro) into her voyeuristic perversions before we're introduced to a game master fetishist (Itao Itsuji) who seems to hold all the cards. This movie reportedly "conjures up the spirit of classic Nikkatsu roman-poruno, a lineage solidified by the presence of Dan’s industry predecessor, Aya Sugimoto, who starred in the recent remakes of the old Hana to Hebi movies." If you know what that means, then you stand a better chance than me at appreciatin it.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Consider it your disclaimer that I really don't dig conventional Oriental porn, especially those Japanese ones with exaggerated resistance. So I'm not the kinda movie reviewer who'd know the difference between an AV model and a gravure idol. However, I did watch the extended, 111-minute director's cut of this full-frontal movie and I'm not glad to report that it failed to get a rise outta me, if you'd pardon the pun. The story is nothin new, the sex is unbelievably borin and Mitsu Dan ain't my idea of a good time, no matter how many dildos and vibrators she wants stuffed into all her orifices. Preferences aside, her unremarkable performance makes the whole movie pointless and borin to me.

What?

Perennial wonderment:

The sex appeal of docile Japanese women. I'm right at the other end of the spectrum here and usually find myself alone when friends gawk at diminutive, titless Asian girls.

Reminds me of:

That other sex movie that bored my tits off - Natali 3D 나탈리 (2010).

Watch out for:

The toy-assisted DP scene. You can actually spot Itao Itsuji lookin quickly to the cameramen for further instructions after givin Mitsu Dan a crisp slap on her arse. Talk about ruinin the mood!

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Mitsu Dan simulates a DP here for your viewing pleasure.

I'd recommend a rewatch of Tokyo Decadence (1992) if you're lookin for a similar fix. Anyway, check out the official website for more information about this unnecessary movie, if you understand Japanese.★★

Bonus material:

Like what you see? Well, there ain't much more where that came from.