Ragin' Cajun Redneck Gators (2013)

THANKS REDNECK GATORS! : Victor Webster coppin' a feel of Jordan Hinson.

At a glance:

Yep, it's really happening.

The unapologetic Syfy story Ragin' Cajun Redneck Gators (2013) is what you get when several hungover writers eat a bad slice of pizza and decide that Romeo and Juliet desperately needs to be retold against a backdrop of rednecks, werewolf-like alligators, and rednecks who turn into werewolf-like alligators. Too much for you to process, huh? The pair of star-cross'd lovers who want to take your life here with a single jaw-droppin viewin, in case the gators don't, are Jordan Hinson and Victor Webster, as they ride out this preposterous but not altogether un-fun creature feature. The official synopsis reads: "When a family of Louisiana moonshiners dumps a bad batch of ‘shine in a swamp, the gators begin to mutate! They grow stronger, meaner, and more dangerous as they terrorize the bayou."

Bad news on the doorstep:

Unlike other naysayers who tell you that the actin in here is simply atrocious, I'll tell you that each and every actor actually takes it seriously and nobody is short of respectably convincin at any one point. It's just that the animated threats look so painfully fake, leadin to an acute loss of character investment, even though the movie doesn't ask to be taken too seriously. This was also the biggest problem I had in tryin to finish watchin Sharknado (2013) and other Syfy spawns with similar formulae.

Perennial wonderment:

How about you spare my life and I'll put you in Gatornado?

Are rubber suits preferable to bad CGI for monster movies like this one? I remember watchin a horrible movie called Hydra (2009) in which the character reacts to an invisible force because the green screen work just ain't the best. That doesn't happen in Ragin' Cajun Redneck Gators but I still feel embarrassed watchin it all the same. Yet, I secretly (and genuinely) wish I could get paid to write screenplays like these. The endless fun I would have.

Reminds me of:

Texan beauty Jordan Hinson was the little girl who was forced Munchausen's by proxy in the enjoyable direct-to-video caper Glass House: The Good Mother (2006). Boy, has she grown. She's found success on TV with Eureka but I don't watch TV so I won't know.

I can't remember if I cried:

A self-defecatin redneck pleads: "Can we at least wait until the place ain't jumpin' with gators? Because I got the heebie-jeebies and I ain't even know what the heebie-jeebies is."

Most memorable line:

"I was goin crazy here. I want somethin' more to life than drinkin' and huntin'. If I stayed here, I'd end up barefoot and pregnant, sittin' front of a porch, swattin' mosquitoes."

Watch out for:

This actress croaks as if the cancer from her smoking is infecting the air.By far the most interesting character. Is her name Amy Brassette?

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Undemanding audiences.

Well-marketed backwater entertainment for undemandin audiences, with a dash of humour and some pretty good music, too. Hell, they even left somethin in there for sequel ambitions.★1/2

Bonus material:

CG you later, alligator!

Hell Glades (2013)

Jenny Scordamaglia and Katie Rotolo have the best pair in Hell Glades (2013).

Pointless interracial horseplay scene:
Michael Malone and Sandy Jean.

At a glance:

How I wish I could take some hot chicks into the wetlands for eight days and muck about in the name of makin a movie. Just about anyone can make a movie these days, can't they? Just ask my fellow countryman Julian Cheah... or in this case, Aiden Dillard, who has carved a name sellin his movies like Meat Weed America (2007) to dodgy content distributors Troma Team Video. I think this Hell Glades farce never got shopped since its completion as far back as 2011 and only recently found itself on iTunes. Filmed in Immokalee and Miami Beach, it's a sun-soaked slasher with bikini-clad broads and an outlandish Native American villain named Coowahchobee. The synopsis reads: On Friday October 5th 2007, the first day of Columbus Day weekend celebration in the United States of America, a group of young women went camping in the Florida Everglades. They all disappeared under myserious circumstances, except for one. This is her story.

Bad news on the doorstep:

"Coowahchobee loves good head."

"With pretty petals like those, I'm sure his stamen
was hard pressed not to enter your pistil."

Well, what can I say. This is the cheapest cousin of Wild Things (1998) yet -- and I've seen me all of them. Curiously edited with a range of hard cuts and some fadeaway shots, it comes across like an action documentary with very low production values. The sound mix is so poor that swimming pool waves drown out the voice of a guy who narrates standin next to it. The worst thing about this movie though, is what is bein passed as actin. The delivery and timin of the lines are so outrageously hammy, it seems almost intentional. This in turn becomes an unexpected sellin point of the movie. If only they packaged it that way, it could've turned some heads. As it is, the laughable low-budget kills and horrible lightin is enough to make anyone switch off within the first 10 minutes.

Best actor: This barn owl.

Perennial wonderment:

The worst completed movie is still better than the best uncompleted movie, right? One day, I will test this.

Reminds me of:

Troma's The Toxic Avenger (1984) but that was curio piece with a lastin legacy. Hell Glades (2013) on the other hand, plays off scarcely better than a film school project you'd shoot with your parents' money. It's strange they had so many elements and used so many people for the effort. Aiden Dillard, if you're readin this - can you tell me what you had initially hoped to achieve by makin this movie?

I can't remember if I cried:

Please. Do. Not. Act. Again. Ever.

This fella named Ron Henry cannot act to save his life. If you're readin this, please sir, don't ever put yourself through the embarrassment again.

Most memorable line:

Well, this silly flick sure has some unusual writin. Imagine how in the first minute, a couple have sex in the woods and the girl goes: "Hey John, look at that owl, looks like it's watching us. Isn't that strange?" and he replies with a snigger: "Even the birds like to watch the bird and the bees." Other cringe-inducin lines include "That's where I keep my larger prey like bears panthers and other big pussies." and "Our love is like sandwich. You are ham, I am cheese."

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Robin Vernon groped by Seminole baddie in Hell Glades (2013).

Hell Glades in the hands of a more competent filmmaker would've had high chances of fallin into the category of films that are so bad, they're good. What kinda movie goes through the elaborate execution of havin their bustiest actress say lines like "With pretty petals like those, I'm sure his stamen was hard pressed not to enter your pistil." Should've been much more fun than this.★1/2
Bonus material:
I have loads of photos for you, culled from the official Hell Glades Facebook fan page.

What does the Arabic on Aban Sonia's chest say?

(L-R: Chelsea Harshman, Nicole Soden, Katie Rotolo, Jenny Scordamaglia, Belkys Galvez, Aban Sonia. Krelwear sponsors swimwear on last day of filming at Deauville Hotel, Miami Beach. Photo: Sid Graves.)