Saturday, 7 September 2013

Ragin' Cajun Redneck Gators (2013)

THANKS REDNECK GATORS! : Victor Webster coppin' a feel of Jordan Hinson.

At a glance:
Yep, it's really happening.
The unapologetic Syfy story Ragin' Cajun Redneck Gators (2013) is what you get when several hungover writers eat a bad slice of pizza and decide that Romeo and Juliet desperately needs to be retold against a backdrop of rednecks, werewolf-like alligators, and rednecks who turn into werewolf-like alligators. Too much for you to process, huh? The pair of star-cross'd lovers who want to take your life here with a single jaw-droppin viewin, in case the gators don't, are Jordan Hinson and Victor Webster, as they ride out this preposterous but not altogether un-fun creature feature. The official synopsis reads: "When a family of Louisiana moonshiners dumps a bad batch of ‘shine in a swamp, the gators begin to mutate! They grow stronger, meaner, and more dangerous as they terrorize the bayou."
Bad news on the doorstep:
Unlike other naysayers who tell you that the actin in here is simply atrocious, I'll tell you that each and every actor actually takes it seriously and nobody is short of respectably convincin at any one point. It's just that the animated threats look so painfully fake, leadin to an acute loss of character investment, even though the movie doesn't ask to be taken too seriously. This was also the biggest problem I had in tryin to finish watchin Sharknado (2013) and other Syfy spawns with similar formulae.
Perennial wonderment:
How about you spare my life and I'll put you in Gatornado?
Are rubber suits preferable to bad CGI for monster movies like this one? I remember watchin a horrible movie called Hydra (2009) in which the character reacts to an invisible force because the green screen work just ain't the best. That doesn't happen in Ragin' Cajun Redneck Gators but I still feel embarrassed watchin it all the same. Yet, I secretly (and genuinely) wish I could get paid to write screenplays like these. The endless fun I would have.
Reminds me of:
Texan beauty Jordan Hinson was the little girl who was forced Munchausen's by proxy in the enjoyable direct-to-video caper Glass House: The Good Mother (2006). Boy, has she grown. She's found success on TV with Eureka but I don't watch TV so I won't know.
I can't remember if I cried:
A self-defecatin redneck pleads: "Can we at least wait until the place ain't jumpin' with gators? Because I got the heebie-jeebies and I ain't even know what the heebie-jeebies is."
Most memorable line:
"I was goin crazy here. I want somethin' more to life than drinkin' and huntin'. If I stayed here, I'd end up barefoot and pregnant, sittin' front of a porch, swattin' mosquitoes."

Watch out for:
This actress croaks as if the cancer from her smoking is infecting the air.By far the most interesting character. Is her name Amy Brassette?
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Undemanding audiences.
Well-marketed backwater entertainment for undemandin audiences, with a dash of humour and some pretty good music, too. Hell, they even left somethin in there for sequel ambitions.1/2

Bonus material:
CG you later, alligator!