The Ouija Experiment (2011)

Eric Window: "Baby, I promise you. It's not gonna be on YouTube.
It's not gonna be on Sex Tube. The only place it's gonna be is on my tube."

Miranda Martinez scar
(SFX makeup artist Josh Fread)

At a glance:
Apparently shot with just $1,200, filmmaker Israel Luna (Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives, 2010) has completed The Ouija Experiment (2011), now sensibly retitled The Realm for its DVD release, in an attempt to either avoid legal wrangles with Hasbro head honchos or sound less like a bargain bin staple. Unfortunately, the package cannot escape its poor "found footage" pedigree, not even in its very first few minutes when most movies of its ilk would succeed in flatterin to deceive. It opens with a pretentiously weak title card about the titular occult object and a very annoyin actress of Vietnamese descent named Belmarie Huynh. She's soon followed by a motley crue of similarly inane and disengagin characters with their embarrassingly hammy lines.

Bad news on the doorstep:

It's the kind of movie I'd really look forward to if all my friends are in it.

Perennial wonderment:

Surely you'd ask about lottery numbers
instead of cheating boyfriends, no?

When will this genre bring somethin new to the table? Here's a list of some of the ho-hum found footage films I've sat through recently - The Tunnel Movie (2011), Another Kind (2011), The Jungle (2013) and Absence (2013). Of all these, The Ouija Experiment is certainly no better.

Reminds me of:

The last ouija board effort I watched was Ouija (2007) a.k.a. Seance. That was a Filipino effort by Topel Lee and it had a hot chick or two at least.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

"Whattt???"

Maybe if they had just shot the ouija-playin bits in a conventional format and then added the elaborate 10-min flashback sequence towards the end, it would've worked better. Also, the fact that there's also a video webchat interface midway when the characters contacts someone online fatally takes us out of the "found footage" experience. Oh, well. You can check out its official Facebook fan page for more information. Otherwise, jog on.★1/2

Bonus material:

Leah Diaz as Gracie.

Mama (2013)

The chameleonic Jessica Chastain. Almost as hot as Gemma Arterton, I'd say.

The Modigliani behind Mama?

At a glance:

It's only by pure happenstance and not my licentious fascination with Jessica Chastain since The Help (2011) that the first two movies I've paid to watch in cinemas this year both star her - Kathryn Bigelow's laborious Zero Dark Thirty (2013) and the del Toro-championed Mama (2013). Yes, I didn't care for the overlong, over-informative trailer (why are they like this nowadays!) but was in the mood for somethin that will do what it says on the tin. Muschietti siblings Andrés and Barbara return to expand on their 2008 short film of the same name (unless you count the accent in Mamá), the spooky three-minute success that got this picture made. The final product is this polished Spanish-Canadian effort - one of the better mainstream supernatural horror movies on wide release in recent memory. It's about two sisters who are rescued from a life of cherry-chompin in the woods by their uncle but a malevolent spirit follows them home. You get a little 19th century backstory thrown in. Strange to find Chastain in the lightweights here. Might've been a moodier, less distractin picture if it were a more obscure actress playin her part as the sympathetic rocker chick aunt figure, innit?

Bad news on the doorstep:

While the strength here is definitely the teasin delay in finally seein the offendin titular mother, I'm still not a fan of these digitalised spooks. However we ought to judge the player based on where he plays. For a movie with so much important CG, it is great CG; and even the protracted and over-exposed CG finale does not undo the tense, solid plottin throughout. That's what you call a sold audience.

Everyone overreacts to moths in horror movies. Why?

Perennial wonderment:

Could've done without the overused contorted human crawl, though. How many times do we have to see that spider shyte? Bleugh. By the way, Mama over-performed in its openin weekend and in just three days earned more than producer Guillermo del Toro's last movie Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark in its entire run. Poor Arnie died takin his last stand, you can read. Box Office Mojo reported: "Aside from the advantages inherent to the supernatural horror genre, Mama also benefited from a strong marketing effort and a PG-13 rating that managed to attract younger females in strong numbers: Mama's audience was 61% female and 63% under the age of 25. They awarded it a 'B-' CinemaScore, which is slightly above-average for a horror movie."

Most memorable line:

www.sadmoviequotes.tumblr.com

Nikolaj Coster-Waldau

Watch out for:
Megan Charpentier and Isabelle Nélisse as the impoverished, feral sisters. Well coached and well done. The male lead, Danish 'Aragorn' Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, has left his biggest callin card for Hollywood, I hope, with his largest part to date. Maybe he'll get to play a romantic lead in a Hollywood rom-com some day? Saw him most recently in the superb Norwegian crime-caper Headhunters (2011).

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Nothin terribly original here but the production design of the ghoul is effective and its measured narrative enable us to enjoy the old school jumps instead of deridin them. Apparently in a video interview, the Muschiettis revealed that the eventual Mama Blu-ray could have up to 40 minutes of deleted scenes. I'd like to see that; and judgin from the box office collections and the way the movie ends, will wait for a sequel.★★★1/2
Bonus material:

Heaven And Hell (2012) @ วงจรปิด

"Damn. I forgot the safe word."

At a glance:

If it ain't found footage or mobile phone recordings, it's CCTV. In the hands of the Thai, they'll make it an omnibus horror, as usual. Yuthlert Sippapak's Heaven And Hell (2012) a.k.a. วงจรปิด is a disjointed effort of three vignettes, the last two sittin better together than with the first (directed by his longtime cinematographer Tiwa Moeithaisong). It opens with Tiwa's black-and-white story - Ghost Legacy, about a pair of twins who inherit a haunted mansion from their dead grandfather. Next, we have Heaven 11, a slightly confusin episode about creepy teen love that culminates in a 24-hour convenience store, at the expense of two frightened CCTV technicians. The last, Hell No. 8, brings back this duo and puts them in a haunted apartment's lift where they try to fix the CCTV while chattin up two chicks.

Bad news on the doorstep:

These are the requisite tattoos to become a CCTV technician.

The middle bit, easily the strongest, could've been expanded to make an entire movie, instead of this dissonant mess. The decision to open with the weakest bit must be criticised, as I suspect many won't last the humourless silent movie treatment, with title cards to boot. It's also unfortunate that the last third descends into a full-on horror-comedy without much tension. Cheap-lookin ghosts are part and parcel of Thai movies within this range but it could really have done so much better with just a little structural tweak.

"Please. I need this stool to hang myself."

Perenial wonderment:
Does anyone know where I can get Thai box office results in English? Do drop me a line.  Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Prolific Thai movie critic Wise Kwai sees positives: "As scattershot Heaven and Hell is in terms of style and genre, there's an overarching theme of feminism, with strong female roles in Yuthlert's segments – the girl ghosts get their revenge." I'm less enthusiastic. This ain't 4bia (2008) or Phobia 2 (2009). Jog on.★★
Bonus material:

Hold Your Breath (2012)

Automobile-assisted electrocution. All because she didn't hold her breath.

Katrina Bowden reads the awful script...
but decides to star in it anyway.

At a glance:

This sorry excuse for a movie is right down your alley if you're the kind of C-grade cineaste who knows mockbuster maestros The Asylum. Jared Cohn's frivolous Hold Your Breath (2012) has a plot thinner than the DVD plastic it comes in, so if you keep your expectations low, nobody will get hurt. A group of hedonistic twentysomethings go on road trip but when they drive past a cemetery, they neglect to heed the titular old wives tale, as insisted by Katrina Bowden's character i.e. HOLD YOUR BREATH! Some old wife somewhere should start the rumour that your face will fall off if you watch an Asylum movie for more than 10 minutes. Anyway, that's when a malevolent spirit from the past (an executed convict) possesses one of them and we get some gory party pieces before a know-it-all cryptkeeper enters the proceedings to try and save the lot. Yawn.
Bad news on the doorstep:
They could've kept the laughable CG until the later half of the show, so as not to burst the bubble so soon. As it stands, we get a one-sentence story, punctuated by spaghetti straps and the inexplicable scenes of repeated mutilation to the human eye.

"Nooooooooooooooo.... my career!!!"

Watch out for:

Erin Marie Hogan as Natasha stands out, since she gets a sex scene and when she's not busy humpin the lead actor. 30 Rock's Katrina Bowden is given all the important lines that the other actresses probably couldn't handle, but she ends up doin little else. This blonde lass sure has come a long way since I first saw her as sweet Miss Tasty in Sex Drive (2008). Shame she gets to keep her kit on while the other two female actresses don't!

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
I don't even know why I put this up. Go check out the official website and judge for yourself. I do have some nude stills of the sex scenes after the page break, if you're interested. Alternatively, you can read this hilarious review by the unforgivin English, right here.★
Bonus material:

Lizzie (2012)

Shawna Waldron and Gary Busey in a deceptively strong promo visual.

Brianna Lee Johnson

At a glance:

19th century New England axe murderer Lizzie Andrew Borden gets yet another run-out with Dark Morgue Picture's Lizzie (2012), as Leif Holt saw fit to produce, write and star in a rather unpersuasive B-movie that is both feeble and frustatin at the same time. I scarcely thought there was gonna be a worse movie than The Devil Inside this year but this does manage a close finish. We get a prologue about the oft-chronicled titular terror with montage and poem, then we're thrust into the modern day with a young blonde being treated by her shrink for witnessing apparitions around her house. 

Bad news on the doorstep:

So bad was this movie, when the characters are watchin a movie in their livin room, they put on a bad movie as well. Stop-start tension, bad CGI choices, continuity boo-boos, very poor performances - all these add to the derivative drivel. Foggy mirrors, disappearin blood... what else? Corbin Bernsen plays a shrink but comes across more like a garbage man who just walked on set and Leif Holt himself has a puzzlin role as a feckless boyfriend.

Let's watch a bad movie!

Perennial wonderment:

Apparently there's been development on the case just a few months ago. Anyway the canon of Lizzie Borden feature films include The Legend of Lizzie Borden (1975), The Curse of Lizzie Borden (2006) and The Curse of Lizzie Borden 2: Prom Night (2008), not to mention several documentaries like Lizzie Borden: A Century of Fascination (1992) and Lizzie Borden Had an Axe (2004). Never saw any meself but this 2012 movie sure doesn't provide much encouragement.

How I felt in the movie, too.

Reminds me of:

Lead star Amanda Baker (Jolene Crowell on TV's General Hospital) is an extremely annoyin actress whose laughable lack of depth is made up for by her resemblance to Maria Bello, Jessica Biel and porn star Kagney Lynn. No nudity from her either.

Watch out for:

Veteran porn star Aurora Snow is supposed to have an appearance here, accordin to the credits. Must've ended up on the cuttin room floor because I don't remember this at all. Someone drop me a note if you know different.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

The kind of movie you'd switch off or walk out on. Check out the official website and Facebook page if you're still readin.★1/2
Bonus material:

Fast forward to this scene with Amanda Baker screaming. Hilarious.

The Innkeepers (2011)

"Yoo hoo... Creepy ghosts? Where are you? I don't have all day."

Old-fashioned haunted house. Yeah.

At a glance:

Happy Friday The 13th! Here's an excellent example of an indie horror that knows what it is and sticks to the basics. If you remotely fancied director Ti West's previous throwback treat The House Of The Devil (2009) like I did, this is a resoundin win. We follow the final days of the foreclosin (real) Yankee Pedlar Inn, where bored employees Claire (Sara Paxton, The Last House On The Left, 2009) and Luke (Pat Healy, Rescue Dawn, 2006) leisurely attempt to document the supposed long-runnin paranormal activity that plagues the old buildin. It's a surprisingly tense and effective stop-start haunted house affair made more compellin with the introduction of author-turned-psychic Leanne Rease-Jones (Kelly McGillis) who's in town for a book convention.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Suitably claustrophobic and low-key, some might find this borin and mediocre. Some of the everyday dialogue between the two hotel workers may work against the mood. Check out The Innkeepers IMDb listin and Facebook fan page for more info.

Perennial wonderment:

♪♫ Time changes, changes everything ♪♬

How the hell did Kelly McGillis go from sex siren to this burned out bat? Poor ol' Kelly looks really maternal these days, yet her Top Gun (1986) opposite, Mr Tom Cruise, just appeared as ageless, bronzed sex god Stacee Jaxx in the campy Rock Of Ages (2012). She does a very good job here though.

Reminds me of:

Well, I just watched The Skeptic (2009) and Grave Encounters (2011) last month. Any more haunted house runarounds to recommend, fellas? I'm game for more.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Great buildup, suspenseful execution and very strong finish. No need for gore or nudity here. Hell, even Roger Ebert liked it. ★★★
Bonus material:

The Skeptic (2009) @ The Haunting of Bryan Becket

At a glance:

"Is it so wrong to believe that
the Malaysian PM is innocent?"

You have every reason to doubt this telemovie that didn't quite make the big waves TV commercial director Tennison Bardwell wanted it to, despite first spawnin the idea as early as in the 80s. The Skeptic another haunted house exercise but with a decidedly strong focus on the titular lead, upon which the movie's credibility rests. Unfeelin workaholic lawyer Bryan Becket (Tim Daly) is a doubtin Thomas who moves into his late aunt's reputedly haunted Victorian mansion after her death, much to the displeasure of his wife (Andrea Roth) and his partner (Tom Arnold). Naturally, the spookfest begins and ghostbusters are consulted - a scientist (Bruce Altman), a psychiatrist (Edward Herrmann), a priest (Robert Prosky) and even a young psychic (Zoe Saldana). The psychic points out to Bryan that it has somethin to do with his childhood memories.

Bad news on the doorstep:

"You heard whispering sounds,
and presuming that they must be human,
your brain strove to put speech to them.
It's called psycho-acoustics."

With hardly any special effects, the burden of suspense rests squarely on Tim Daly's exasperated character; and the actor does give it all. However, the Sceptic vs Believer elements are a little overstated by the filmmaker, as if tryin too hard to make a ghost movie for adults. This strangely brings about an air of unintended humour to the proceedings but to no good effect. Slant Magazine's Fernando F. Croce points out that Bryan's scenes with his partner (Tom Arnold) and priest (Robert Prosky) have comic and poignant energy, but for the most part the film awkwardly suggests Poltergeist (1982) as a 12-step self-help programme.

Perennial wonderment:

"I see dead careers."

I find movies with such titles irresistible. Here are some if you care for more: The Possession Of Gail Bowers (2006), The Disappearance of Alice Creed (2009), The Haunting Of Molly Hartley (2008), The Possession Of Emma Evans (2010), The Possession Of David O'Reilly (2010).

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Some interestin moments and a committed though not particularly compellin performance from the cast. You will finish the film, at least. Popmatter's Cynthia Fuchs put it best: "Inane as any other insight offered up in The Skeptic, at least it acknowledges the fundamental metaphor of every haunted house movie ever made. And now, we can all go home."  ★★ 1/2

Bonus material:

"So father, did you manage to find my career in here somewhere?"

They Wait (2007) @ Demon Days

At a glance:

Female ghost with strange black, inky arms.

Here's more on the Chinese Hungry Ghost Festival. They Wait (2007) was a Canadian horror flick that most dismissed as a silly piece of work, produced by the overwhelmingly unpopular Uwe Boll and directed by Ernie Barbarash (Assassination Games, 2011) but I'd like to think the story and screenplay by Trevor Markwart is actually quite solid and intriguin, though the finished product of course, stumbles here and there. Look away now if you don't wanna read a spoiler: besides playin out a mystery that traces back to maligned sweatshop immigrants, it also skims over a topic I don't think any horror movie has ever covered before - inhumane bear farmin! We follow a married inter-racial couple (coincidentally I just watched another Chinese-Caucasian pairin in Seventh Moon last night) as they return to Vancouver for an uncle's funeral after six years abroad in Shanghai. Just as you would expect, it's open season for them starved spirits and their son Sammy (Regan Oey) starts to be able to see them like a Chinese Haley Joel Osment, subsequently fallin prey to one particular mysterious spectre, a female ghost with strange black, inky arms. Sarah (Jaime King) and Jason (Terry Chen) must figure out just what they want before dawn, when the realm of the dead would close up and the kid will be lost forever.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Terry Chen
- what an annoyin actor!

Well, the heart of the mystery is unusual and definitely not cliched but the eerie buildup is undone by some cartoonish CG work, made worse by Terry Chen (The A-Team, 2010) in a superfluous role as the nobody dad. Poor guy was probably miscast because they movie doesn't need him at all. He took too much attention away from Jaime King (Mother's Day, 2011) and made the pair look trivial. I also have a problem with the castin of the kid, whose "Eurasian attributes" go as far as havin dyed brown hair. Come on guys, get real!

Bitter, bitter.
Cured my fever?

Perennial wonderment:

Does bear bile really work? God knows I had a lot as a child. They were nasty. I hope one day the trade will stop. For further readin on the bear bile trade and just how torturous it is for our ursine friends, check out a Facebook fan page or two because that's what people do these days.

Reminds me of:

Kelvin Tong's The Maid (2005).

Watch out for:

Shaw Bros wuxia vet Cheng Pei Pei (Street Fighter: Legend Of Chun-Li, 2009) plays the annoyin aunt with some literal skeletons in the closet. Great to see the golden oldies still gettin work.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

★★ 1/2 for the story.

Shaw Brothers wuxia vet Cheng Pei-Pei.

Seventh Moon (2008)

At a glance:

Burning effigies:
A multi-million dollar industry.

I've decided to revisit some of the more recent films about the Hungry Ghost Festival, the calendar staple that lends such a rich source for ghost stories when I was growin up. This American horror indie would've disappeared under the radar, if it were not written and directed by Blair Witch Project (1999) mastermind Eduardo Sánchez and had the dirty star appeal of Amy Smart in the lead. Seventh Moon is based on the Chinese legend that on the full moon of the seventh lunar month, the gates of Hell open and the Dead can enter the realm of the Livin. Melissa (Amy Smart) and Yul (Tim Chiou), Americans on a honeymoon in China, end up lost in a remote village, thanks to nervous taxi driver Ping (Dennis Chan).

Bad news on the doorstep:

Horror movie pre-requisite:
Doin what you're not supposed to. Without backup.

The burnt offerings may be lost on Western viewers but for anyone comin from this part of the world, it's pretty creepy stuff - although Eduardo Sánchez seems to have taken a wrong turn somewhere and turned this into a monster movie by the third act. Many critics have lamented on the decision to overuse the shaky cam technique here, a favourite for the director. I believe that the excessive quick cuts and only half-seein the obviously obscured "ghosts" took some of the spook out of what was set to be a fairly creepy effort.

Perennial wonderment:

Amy Smart:
I'm sexy but do they know it?

Why can't Amy Smart make it like Blake Lively? I remember her vaguely in early films like Varsity Blues (1999) and Road Trip (2000) but it was in The Butterfly Effect (1994) opposite Ashton Kutcher that I thought she was really gonna make it. After the two Crank movies, I don't think she has anythin substantial lined up on her CV. What a waste. I always look forward to her gettin her kit off.

Reminds me of:

Kelvin Tong's The Maid (2005) and Herman Yau's The First 7th Night (2009).

Watch out for:

Dennis Chan Kwok San 陈国新 as the cabbie Ping. Nice to see some old hands still findin work. The man has worked in the Hong Kong film and television industry as a producer, director and actor for more than 30 years, perhaps best known to Western audiences for his work in Jean-Claude Van Damme’s Kickboxer franchise. His latest appearance on the big screen was a cameo in Andy Lau's box office gem A Simple  Life (2011) @ Sister Peach.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
The two leads do their best and give us some reason to care for them but the supernatural elements grew tiresome. DVD Active's Gabriel Powers notes that the climax is so similar to The Descent (2005) that Neil Marshall should call his lawyers. For further info, visit the Seventh Moon official site, which is oddly still up today. ★★
Bonus material:

For the unitiated, this is what every Chinese production does before shootin and not just those that concern ghosts.