Thursday, 17 January 2013

Hold Your Breath (2012)

Automobile-assisted electrocution. All because she didn't hold her breath.

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Katrina Bowden reads the awful script...
but decides to star in it anyway.
At a glance:
This sorry excuse for a movie is right down your alley if you're the kind of C-grade cineaste who knows mockbuster maestros The AsylumJared Cohn's frivolous Hold Your Breath (2012) has a plot thinner than the DVD plastic it comes in, so if you keep your expectations low, nobody will get hurt. A group of hedonistic twentysomethings go on road trip but when they drive past a cemetery, they neglect to heed the titular old wives tale, as insisted by Katrina Bowden's character i.e. HOLD YOUR BREATH! Some old wife somewhere should start the rumour that your face will fall off if you watch an Asylum movie for more than 10 minutes. Anyway, that's when a malevolent spirit from the past (an executed convict) possesses one of them and we get some gory party pieces before a know-it-all cryptkeeper enters the proceedings to try and save the lot. Yawn.
Bad news on the doorstep:
They could've kept the laughable CG until the later half of the show, so as not to burst the bubble so soon. As it stands, we get a one-sentence story, punctuated by spaghetti straps and the inexplicable scenes of repeated mutilation to the human eye.
"Nooooooooooooooo.... my career!!!"
Watch out for:
Erin Marie Hogan as Natasha stands out, since she gets a sex scene and when she's not busy humpin the lead actor. 30 Rock's Katrina Bowden is given all the important lines that the other actresses probably couldn't handle, but she ends up doin little else. This blonde lass sure has come a long way since I first saw her as sweet Miss Tasty in Sex Drive (2008). Shame she gets to keep her kit on while the other two female actresses don't!
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I don't even know why I put this up. Go check out the official website and judge for yourself. I do have some nude stills of the sex scenes after the page break, if you're interested. Alternatively, you can read this hilarious review by the unforgivin English, right here.

Bonus material:

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A last fuck, maybe?
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If you made it through to the end of the movie, congratulate yourself.