The Fisherman And His Wife (2005) @ Der Fischer Und Seine Frau

A fish veterinarian, the real McKoi.

At a glance:

What does one do when a woman outdoes a man in just about everythin? Relivin the 19^th century Grimm fairytale, the ageless issue between money and happiness is tackled with delightfully contemporary angles in The Fisherman And His Wife @ Der Fischer Und Seine Frau (2005). When fish vet Otto (Christian Ulmen) meets girl-next-door Ida (Alexandra Maria Lara) on a business trip to Japan, it was love at first sight and they tie the knot instantly. As Ida moves up in life with her brilliant idea of launchin a koi-themed line of clothin, the simplistic Otto refuses luxury or any sort of material improvement in life. Otto can’t understand why a big home is better than a smaller one, no more than Ida can how a man can stay so content with only the simple pleasures in life as comfort. As Otto refuses to do more lucrative fin transplants for the high-society collectors (he says it isn’t good for the fish), Ida’s koi apparel makes it big and her stardom as a fashion designer beckons. All the time, a pair of tategoi (‘maybe-fish’ that might change into an expensive variety as they grow) narrates their marital frustration with casual comic takes.

Love at first sight.

Bad news on the doorstep:

If you look at the visuals, it looks as if they're all from different movies. Yes, it's dissonant cross-cultural adventure that's probably serves a tourist fodder better than box office collection. Naturally, the Germans brought this in for a film festival in Malaysia.

Perennial wonderment:

Koi-themed clothes. For real.

Did you know that koi means love in Japanese? Neither did I but it’s not true anyway. Koi is a homophone for love, in Japanese. No surprise then that the oriental carp is a long-time token symbol of affection to the Japanese, just like Mandarin oranges (“kam”) are gold to the Chinese.

Reminds me of:

Alexandra Maria Lara & Simon Verhoeven.

Director & scribe Doris Dörrie

All the arguments I've ever had with so many women on rejectin material success. I wish I could sit them down to watch this. The Fisherman And His Wife is invitingly poignant without enforcin too much cod philosophy on a general audience, if you'd pardon the pun. Punctuated by catchy English-language songs, it feels like watchin any other Hollywood rom-com, only that it is clever as much as it is colourful. Losin passion is the bane of any marriage and rediscoverin that element is key to keepin a conventional relationship alive – but to have it told in various fish-related analogies (is a bigger aquarium always good?) gives any viewer so many easy anecdotes to amuse oneself with.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Doris Dörrie’s little gem is a winner. Much like its S&M dominatrix outfits and koi-motif scarves to the snobbish elitists and wacky fish doctors, The Fisherman And His Wife is the kind of assorted comedy that provides for anybody with some semblance of a funny bone. How should any fishy story end? Always swimmingly. ★★★1/2
Bonus material:

Looks fun, whatever that is happenin here.

Isolation (2005)

The traditional way of making beef jerky.

At a glance:

"Holy cow!" is the obvious, blasphemous and yet appropriate response to this very unrewardin movie. There are crowd-pleasin blockbusters and there are niche-market, art house indies. Then there are films like Isolation, ones that befuddle the human mind to no end.

Essie Davis gets to grace this poster.
Others I've seen feature Ruth Negga.

Bad news on the doorstep:

So befuddlin was it that it befuddled itself into the hearts of several film festival judges and won some mediocre horror movie awards even! How do we make heads and tails of this one? It's essentially a one-sentence movie - a full-length feature about a mutant cow foetus terrorisin an Irish farm. Oh wait – there's actually a few of them, but one was particularly difficult to capture. In any case, it's about Dan Reilly (John Lynch), an Irish farmer whom we are told is a little short on money. It soon transpires through Orla (Essie Davis), the vet, that together they have been workin for mad scientist John (Marcel Iures) in bizarre biological experiments involving cow-breedin. Meanwhile, a young couple (Sean Harris and Ruth Negga), runnin away from an unknown enemy, enters the fray when Dan experiences trouble with a calf and asks for help. Soon however, the fate of everyone on the farm becomes inextricably linked with a missin cow foetus.

Reminds me of:

The now-defunct Cathay-Keris distribution arm in Malaysia. When I watched this in 2007 under their limited release, this movie was showin at one solitary cinema nationwide, givin its film title the most fittin tribute ever.

I have no clue what's goin on here.

Or here.

I can't remember if I cried:

Havin such an unusual plot, this was bound to provide at least some shock entertainment, you'd think. So many things were out of place however, when shock turned to schlock within the first 30 minutes, the most frustratin being the characters which are so painfully disengagin. I couldn't be bothered if they died, lived, won the lottery or turned into lactatin mutant cows. With no real protagonists, coupled in with a claustrophobic settin, the appeal became very limited. The ecological arguments of genetic tamperin in this movie were already lost – not on merit, but attention – by the time the crawlin foeti stopped makin you go 'euww'.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Ruth Negga

There's one savin grace - the traditional FX. This would've been a straight-to-DVD feature if the cows were anywhere near digital. What we get to see is quite graphic – say, a vaginal checkup performed on a cow – and the details of the goo, gum, teeth and blood are a nice touch. Bein so stickily real, the movie however shot itself in the hoof (ha!) again when the screenplay didn't allow for a fuller view of the mutant cow in question. Well, it did teach me about how swingin a newborn calf around your head from its hind legs is supposed to accelerate blood flow to the heart. Moo-ving stuff, eh?★1/2
Bonus material:

Like this character, I was drowning in the movie.

Pusher III (2005)

At a glance:
Pusher III is a somewhat muted culmination to the celebrated cult trilogy, focusin on a particularly menacin kingpin from the first two movies - baldin Serbian old-timer Milo, played by accomplished Croat actor Zlatko Burić, pic (doorman in Dirty Pretty Things and also went on to appear in that disaster movie 2012). We follow him through the course of just one day in his life, as he tries very hard to stay off dope while keepin ahead of some dodgy Albanians, Turks, Poles etc and bein the chef for his daughter's birthday party.
Bad news on the doorstep:
It's been more than five years and fans of the series are still waitin for more from writer-director Nicolas Winding Refn but all we've got is a 2010 Hindi rip-off with the same name. You would've thought that since he has had some successful British and Hollywood projects e.g. Bronson and Drive he would start work on Pusher IV as soon as he can. There's good DVD money here and too many characters left unexplored. Please make Pusher IV in my lifetime, Nicolas!
Reminds me of:
Milo's harrowin attempts to stay clean and do right throughout the story are so realistic that any person who has ever been addicted to anythin, can relate to them. There are little nuggets of humanity in him, a sort of criminal determinism that defines him, yet the very next moment he goes about doin the cruelest things with frightenin ease. Milo's character struggle is like any criminal's - the irremediable belief that they are all unfortunate victims of circumstance. Milo's allure however, is that because he doesn't apologise for or try to justify his actions one bit, we begin to see the beauty of believin him.
Watch out for:
The reappearance of Milo's trusty henchman Radovan (Slavko Labovic) in the last third of the film, where the most grisly acts of criminal dismemberment get committed to your memory for life.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Four stars for a truly satisfyin watch. You feel lucky to be a middle class wanker readin blogs like this one in your free time instead of bein mixed up with the characters in Pusher III.

Romeo And Juliet Get Married (2005) @ O Casamento De Romeu E Julieta

At a glance:

Like a dream, really.

Startin off like Bend It Like Beckham, this 2005 Brazilian rom-com is a light-hearted, loose re-tellin of the Shakepeare tale where Luana Piovani and Marco Ricca are team-crossed lovers whose households are not Capulet and Montague, but Palmeiras and Corinthians, two of the best-supported football clubs in the country. Alfredo Baragatti (Luis Gustavo) is a passionate football fanatic in the board of directors for Palmeiras. However his leggy, footballin daughter Juliet (Luana Piovani, pic) falls in love with nervous eye doctor Romeo (Marco Ricca, pic), a die-hard supporter of rivals Corinthians who chairs of the fanclub. From a field injury, a chance encounter at the clinic now blossoms into a romance but an all-out family war beckons when the couple find their love tested by fierce objections of their union. That is, after they even get to admittin their allegiances to each other.
Bad news on the doorstep:
A little too light for some.
Perennial wonderment:
If the Brasileirão will ever be free of match-fixin.
Watch out for:
Luis Gustavo (pic, rightmost in white hair), playin the excitable board member and forbiddin father, can be singled out as the highlight performance of the movie. His energetic and completely sincere portrayal is so convincin that you start believin how it's morally wrong for two people from different teams to be mere friends, never mind lovers!
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Good opportunity to learn about traditional team rivalry between football clubs that we don't get to see every day. Match-long runtime is welcome. ★★1/2

Bonus material:

Some might call this a spoiler.

Edmond (2005)

Mena Suvari, the essential whore.
Always with directions to the closest ATM.

At a glance:
Somewhat a more twisted revisit of Michael Douglas in Falling Down (1993), this time its all about gettin laid and nobody does a less convincin job that the character actor William H. Macy (pic) in his role as a look-what-you-made-me-do Edmond Burke. Chronicled in the course of one long night, our fumblin anti-hero leaves his wife abruptly and goes downtown on a mission to wet his wick but the bizarre and surreal soon drives him to murder, although you don't really think it's anyone's fault. Seems like that's the message - an ordinary middle-class man carryin his white man burden to Trouble Town.

William H Macy talks money with Bai Ling.

Bad news on the doorstep:
It's just a little short of bein a thinkin man's horror movie. Meanin, it's for film students.
Reminds me of:
American Psycho (2000) and those Lynch movies. William H. Macy's bedroom scenes still bring back the horrors of havin caught a glimpse of his unsightly knob in The Cooler (2003). Not a pleasant experience.
Watch out for:
Mena Suvari (pic) as a whore, Bai Ling as a stripper and Julia Stiles as a waitress whom Edmond takes home.
Most memorable line:
William H. Macy goes "that's too much" every time he hears the price for a score. It's an amusin refrain because his character has principles, just like the protagonists in Herman Yau movies.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
If I do get it, which I think I do, then it's gotta be ★★ stars because there's gotta be a neater and cleaner way to present this. If I don't get it, it's ★★★★ alright!

Two Syllables Behind (2005) @ O Dve Slabiky Pozadu

"How do you subtitle cheongsam into Slovak, gramps?"

At a glance:
Offbeat and quaint, this Slovak sleep-o-rama sure is less intriguin than how the title makes it out to be. In O Dve Slabiky Pozadu, this Zuzana Sulajová chick (pic) plays dubbin actress Zuzi (they call it a voice talent these days, don't they) who is young, hedonistic and promiscuous. Fiercely independent, she goes through men as fast as her studio lines because she doesn't really know what she wants. Her Hungarian grandmother Erzsebet has a clue or two, bein the know-it-all she is. Conversations between the two women must be rich – but these are lost in the flashes of lazy subtitlin. You find yourselves driftin in and out of the movie at various points of interest. These would include the bizarre Mandarin-speakin, China-obsessed boyfriend of Zuzi  and the comedy that comes with his character; and the parts where Zuzi is in the studio, sayin her lines with such delightful expertise.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Do you know what are marha, bazmeg, lelkek and cholent? Neither do I. That's why subtitlin is done for movies. However, it befuddles the human mind no end that the English subtitles for this movie come interlaced with so many words that don't get translated. Worse, it makes too many references to its local cultural elements - like TV programmes and traditional dishes that only a Slovak would know. That in turn makes this review either grossly ignorant or plainly descriptive as best.
Reminds me of:
The time I watched this in a private screenin room ALONE at GSC's HQ in Kelana Jaya. What a muppet.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
This movie doesn't travel. How the fuck did it end up with any sort of distribution is a wonder. Goin back to the movie title, it's a play on the heroine's fumblin in the studio and her general discontent in life. She finds herself two syllables behind in her timin despite her concentration – much like how she finds herself always unhappy with things despite the effort she puts in. In the same manner, Two Syllables Behind feels very unrewardin, especially if you are readin too hard for somethin that just isn't there. Worse, one feels that it is there – only in the Slovakian subtleties that frustrate us. Why the fuck did I bother writin this review? ★ 1/2
Bonus material:

Katarína Sulajová & Zuzana Sulajová

I Am A Sex Addict (2005)

Caveh Zahedi is now a reformed sex addict.

At a glance:
Indulgent yet funny and effective autobiographical docudrama by one Caveh Zahedi, a creepy-lookin American of Iranian descent, who loves fuckin whores. Okay, loved fuckin whores. Maybe it's his shaky voice or his earnest eyes but the man can sure tell an interestin story about a tosser as unlikeable as himself. The narrative goes from funny to warm to heartbreakin, in an honest tale of convalescence and possibly even redemption.
Reminds me of:
Coupla chicken worms I know.
Watch out for:
Scenes of weird ass self-reflection. By this I don't mean checkin out your butthole in the mirror.
Most memorable line:
"At first I felt strangely euphoric, but then afterwards when I got home I felt lonely and empty."
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
It's a true story. Well-packaged. ★★★

Factotum (2005)

Depressed? Always.

At a glance:
Glorious screen adaptation of what must be a brilliant book written by that lunatic Charles Bukowski, who apparently actually went out there and did some of this stuff. In this movie, his screen alter ego Henry Chinaski is a clever bastard nobody who refuses to be somebody - in the most cinematic, yet compellingly sincere way possible. Solid performances by Matt Dillon (who plays the lead bastard Hank well, although some say he's too good-lookin for the role) and Lili Taylor (completely believable white trash alkie girlfriend of Hank's). Marisa Tomei's decent bit as the casual fuck interest appeared slightly disjointed from the story. Oh well, you get to see her tits.

One of the most memorable white trash portrayals ever.

Reminds me of:
My fuckin piece of shit self, if I were cooler. It's a shame some chinamen such as myself can't grow facial hair. It's like we care more about our appearance or our daily undertakings by genetic default.
Watch out for:
The dreamy you'll-never-be-as-cool-as-me monologue finale, complete with stripper and lounge music. Stay for the Dadafon track Slow Day at the end credits too. Hauntin.
Most memorable line:
The sexist and machochistic conversation between Hank and Lenny in the car, culminatin with "Who wants a woman like that?!?" Classic exchange.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Fuckin ★★★★★ stars for a movie that goes some way towards explainin people like the writer behind this blog. Please allow me to associate myself with the movie. Please.
Bonus material:

A real writer, at last.