Ashley (2013) @ Sprawl

Nicole Fox and Nicole Buehrer negotiates the awkward morning after in Ashley.

Hey, look! Another nipple poster.

At a glance:

Domenic Migliore's snailwork of a story Ashley (2013) a.k.a. Sprawl is an exercise in teen frustration that renders itself all too well at the hands of the director, Dean Matthew Ronalds. From the attractive poster, I'd thought it might be somethin like Flashdance (1983) meets Lolita (1997), or maybe even Gia (1998) meets Crush (1993). Turns out it's an indie drama scarcely worth watchin even for 22-year-old lead Nicole Fox, the fashion model starlet best known as the winner of Cycle 13 of America's Next Top Model. She plays a sullen 17-year-old student faced with a catalogue of personal problems like self-harm, bullyin, domestic abuse, sexual abuse, buddin homosexuality and a general disenchantment with life. She lives with her alcoholic single mum (Jennifer Taylor), who blames her husband's death on her. Gosh, if she only had AIDS this would be the middle-class suburban white version of Precious (2012), wouldn't it?

Bad news on the doorstep:

"I'm a teenager!"

I think a critical flaw in this effort is the surprisin lack of any moral resolution to the proceedings, but what upsets me the most is that the movie has little, if at all, to say about the human condition. There's plenty of amateurish camerawork to pick on, too. What will probably stop you in your tracks is the overdone soundtrack which is saturated with annoyin teenybopper music, tense piano pieces and even opera tracks -- all of which hardly improve the scenes. Hell, there's no tension to the narrative and sometimes I can't even bloody hear what the characters are sayin!

Perennial wonderment:

Michael Madsen:
Most hardworking cameo actor today.

Oh there goes Michael Madsen again, makin yet another five minute cameo in any shoestring indie project that could do with better billings. Didn't I just watch him last night in Nomad (2013) mumblin and barkin at someone as usual? Somewhere in the world, it's payday for Michael Madsen. Here, he collects after tellin Ashley what veal is and then tryin to cop a feel. What a plonker.

Reminds me of:

"This is how I feel about heterosexual sex and polite conversation."

That equally meanderin melodrama About Cherry (2012) starrin Ashley Hinshaw, about how a young girl becomes a porn star. By the way, there's hardly any nudity here, save maybe for an awkward phone sex scene. Oh wait, Nicole Fox does take her bathrobe off somewhere near the end, if you actually get anywhere near that.

Nicole Fox disappears into Ashley.
[Photo credit migliorephoto.com]

I can't remember if I cried:

Once the end credits rolled. Sheesh. Remember, I watch bad movies so you don't have to. If you paid to see this, you'd be mean enough to say it ain't too far off from a voyeur cam, the footage of a girl smokin, cuttin herself, smokin again, playin on her laptop and smokin again.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

So was that endin an attempt at an emotional payoff? If I were payin enough attention, this movie actually has a very dangerous message. Me, I'm off to rewatch The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things (2004) to forget about all this palaver.★1/2
Bonus material:
Here are some production photos and a few movie stills if you insist on watchin it. You could also go check out the official website and the Facebook fan page.

America's Next Top Model Nicole Fox gives two for the cause.

How every successful relationship begins -- online.

Klip 3GP (2011)

Klip 3GP: Kids, make sure your mum's not in these videos.

At a glance:

Enterprising Mat Skodeng in action.

Primeworks Studios / Grand Brilliance under Tengku Iesta Tengku Alaudin / Ahmad Puad Onah sure played up a sensational stinker with this one. Despite grossin a surprisin RM 1.14 million in its theatrical run, this unfortunate and critical lapse of judgment went to the extent of promo investments, goin downtown with events even. Why the hate, you ask? Well, I've seen me some piss poor movies in my time but while pointless self-indulgences like Momok Don't Find Trouble (2012) and Killer Clown (2010) have nary an iota of cultural or artistic merit to contribute to the industry or the country, at least they represent no real harm to society, other than to reaffirm Malaysia's general (and generally accepted) decline in cinema. The One Nation Emcees vehicle Klip 3GP (2011) is, to borrow an 80s term, a kind of video nasty; and what's worse is that nothin explicit is actually shown! 

Bad news on the doorstep:

Show me the money!

Shot with about a million ringgit, this film is a great embarrassment and insult to the Malay race. It's hated so much, they set up not one but several Facebook groups to call for a boycott - indicatin that at least some good sense and righteous anger could still arise from the masses, however ineffectual the stand was. Ploddin along a non-script barely held together by several instances of unsavoury mobile phone recordings (hence the title, in reference of the now notorious file format), Sofia J. Rhyland's story and screenplay in Klip 3GP covers everything from supernatural horror (?!) to cheap sexploitation, exposin the sniggerin, amoral characters of progressive urban decay without any credible plot resolution, unless you count a vengeful, bloodied and oversexed Mimifly (Shamimi Amalina Norhisham) goin into OTT desperation against phone porno mastermind Zahiril Adzim. "Promise you delete, promise you delete?" The smarmy histrionics are irredeemable if you actually sat through to the final act. She sure dances good, though.

Perennial wonderment:

Lead actress Mimifly of One Nation Emcees. Err... good dancing.

Lead actress Mimifly was actually one of the nominees for Most Promising Actress at the 24th Malaysian Film Festival 2011, eventually losin to Nadiya Nisaa for her role in Cun! (2011). She's got the presence but she's not really an actress is she? I oughtta stop citin this ridiculous awards show.

"You cakap you dah delete?"

Reminds me of:

The 400mb of Malay porn recordings I used to have in my harddrive. I never knew who put it in there. I was also surprised how many seemingly polite members of society asked me for them.

Most memorable line:

"Tatu tu... macam tak betul je?" Movie itself tak betul, more like.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Reminds me Darah a.k.a Macabre (2009).

I ain't one to take the moral high horse; this is an X-rated blog after all. It's just that this sanctioned hypocrisy beggars belief. A Malaysian exploitation movie won't be able to actually depict the exploitation, so what's the point? Your faith in the powers that be should stay shakier than ever if you consider that this movie was actually passed with a PG13 ratin. I guess that's the official endorsement - urgin 8-year-olds to be accompanied by their parents when goin to see a movie that teaches us how to record schoolkids givin blowjobs at staircases and peddle them to webmasters for a profit without bein caught.★1/2
Bonus material:

Ronggeng time: GSC Pavilion premiere [10 Nov 2011, Facebook credit]

This picture should win an award, really.

Proud director Aidilfitri Mohamed Yunos

I believe this was the banned TV spot.

For A Good Time, Call... (2012)

Ari Graynor: "Did you know that every time you masturbate, a pony dies?"

Boops!

At a glance:

Although this review site jumps at the chance of coverin sex-dripped movies, I had to think twice about puttin this up. It's an unapologetic gay director's first feature film and I had the discomfort of havin sat through the Toronto premiere in a hall full of fags (looks like I won't be learnin not to use this word, as advised in Dax Shepard's Hit And Run last night). If anythin, watchin this movie, served as wake-up call for this homophobic writer that my professional days in this line are well and truly over, especially in this neck of the woods where I'm the odd one out. Still, like any conservative bigot strugglin to improve, I'll write this review on the artistic merits of the film, which I'll concede as a pretty solid indie comedy about two desperate frenemies embarkin on a phone sex operator business together.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Bridesmaids (2011) taught us box office sensibilities about how the boys shouldn't have all the fun (e.g. The Hangover, 2009) and this movie drives home that point, whether I like it or not. For A Good Time, Call... (2012) celebrates hedonism, feminism and self-empowerment with unabashed aplomb, with a bouncy script drawn from real life experiences, co-written by Lauren Miller (also one of the two leadin ladies) and Katie Anne Naylon. The filmmakers even saw fit to take a swipe at their lifestyle detractors by includin a Christian fanatic character in the movie (Sugar Lyn Beard) only to be demonised for her deeds, "like some fucking Jesus of Nazareth". At this point I wanted to walk out of the screenin. I could take a joke but this line was loaded and the context was vindictive.

Lauren Miller learns the timeless art of phone-fucking from Ari Graynor.

Perennial wonderment:

Some observers note that Seth Rogen's screenwriter wife Lauren Miller is about as credible and significant an actress as Judd Apatow's wife Leslie Mann. Is this true? I haven't seen enough but her role here as a sullen yuppie is rather watchable. Her easy chemistry with Ari Graynor's spritely toilet-mouth tramp provides the sellin point of the movie and while the obviously more talented Graynor commands genuine star appeal, it should be interestin to see Mrs. Rogen's upcomin roles.

Justin Long, gay again.

Watch out for:
Justin Long, playin an effeminate version of his gay character in Zack And Miri Make A Porno (2008), has a memorable supportin role and a particularly inspired, laugh-out-loud Lion King (1994) gag.

Most memorable line:

I'm too lost in the density of dirty jokes to remember any.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi? 
84 R-rated minutes of well-crafted camp, punctuated by smutty laughs. More intelligent than those in-your-face Happy Madison material, though. Giggle at your soul's expense.★★1/2

Because high fives aren't enough.

Bonus material:

Photo taken at Scotiabank Theatre, Toronto. 23 August 2012.

L-R: Local critic Richard Crouse interviews the cast and crew.
Photo taken at Scotiabank Theatre, Toronto. 23 August 2012.

L-R: Scriptwriter Katie Anne Naylon, director Jamie Travis, leads Lauren Miller and Ari Graynor.
Ms Graynor certainly lost some weight since the movie was filmed.
Photo taken at Scotiabank Theatre, Toronto. 23 August 2012.

Free sticker. Err... thanks.