Eldorado (2012)

Michael Madsen takes any job he can find.
Up next, Julian Cheah's Prince In The City. *Gulp*

Not the real Daryl Hannah but a pornstar
who assumed the moniker due to her likeness.

At a glance:

First ever British movie to be shot in 3D? David Carradine's last movie appearance? If you've read the heavyweight cast list, you'll never understand how such a paceless, plotless and meanderin dud ever came into existence, especially if you agree with me it's more like what Tenacious D would have shot with some over-aged fans for a film school project, after havin OD'ed on cheap skunk and bad pizza. In Eldorado (probably the very worst among every movie ever so titled), we follow a Blues Brothers tribute band called The Jews Brothers, whose manager mistakenly to a Neo-Nazi fundraiser instead of a stripper. Peter O'Toole sits on a chair and narrates intermittently, tongue-in-cheek. Daryl Hannah recites the titular Edgar Allen Poe poem to mislead us into a possibly related or coherent story. Everyone else also looks as if they can't wait for it to be over. Did someone call in every favour to get this done? It's a senseless parody and you're gonna recognise elements from Sweeney Todd, Little Shop of Horrors, The Blues Brothers, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Reservoir Dogs, Heaven Can Wait, Kung Fu, Blazing Saddles and even some O Brother, Where Art Thou - but even the song scenes are far from excitin and I find it hard to believe anyone can finish this two hour-movie without hittin the fast-forward.

"Are you okay to go topless for a Richard Driscoll movie?"

Bad news on the doorstep:

As we near the end of 2012, I'll be roundin out my own records e.g. Most Pretentious (Savages vs Cloud Atlas), Most Frustrating (The Devil Inside vs Lizzie), Worst Malaysian Movie (Gerimis Mengundang vs Momok Don't Find Trouble). I'm sure Richard Driscoll's Eldorado (2012) will come out tops in somethin. This guy, not to be confused with the other British actor on TV's Eastenders, is known to some as Britain's Ed Wood and many struggle to explain his amazin ability to keep producin awful films throughout the ages.

Daryl Hannah. Why?

Perennial wonderment:

David Carradine. Guess they buried it with him, huh? Bad way to go. R.I.P. Kwai Chang Caine. On the other hand, this guy Peter O'Toole seems to have been around forever. Is he immortal?

Reminds me of:

A bad dream, with songs.

Most memorable line:

Fat chance you'll find any.

No idea.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Do yourself a favour and stay far, far away from this. Apparently next, the makers have lined up the 3D Gothic tale Back2Hell, and other listed projects include two more 3D flicks, Wolfman 3D and Watchmen Of Hellgate. Let us pray those are better. ★

The day the music died:

R.I.P. David Carradine
8 December 1936 – 3 June 2009

Cornered! (2009)

Doughnut Donny wants to screw Jess but all he could do is pretend not to be
starin at her cleavage, just like the rest of the audience. Wotta dead script.

At a glance:

CGI rcockoaches.
They're in the movie, too.

James Duval tried.

"Not the panties, Clyde!"

Essentially, Cornered! is an indie horror feature expanded from a one-sentence premise with a token twist, just in case you forget you're watchin a micro-budgeted C-movie. During their nightly poker game, a group of lowlifes are terrorised in their own convenience store by a masked killer. We have deliveryman Morty (Steve Guttenberg, Cocoon, 1985), sweaty Latino proprietor Steve (Eduardo Garcia), his useless addict nephew (James Duval from the Gregg Araki movies), zaftig sex chat part-timer Mona (Ellia English, Aunt Helen from The Jamie Foxx Show), fat nobody Doughnut Donny (Peter Story) and the kindly prostitute Jess (Elizabeth Nicole) that he so desperately wants to boink but cannot, on account of his colossal fuckup loser of a personality.

Elizabeth Nicole gives her cleavage to the cause.

Bad news on the doorstep:

None of these characters have anythin goin for them. Who wants to watch a bunch of losers for 87 minutes? Shouldn't there be at least one interestin, sympathetic protagonist to root for? Shouldn't there be at least some cheap nudity since it's rated R? James Duval and Ellia English have a good go at it but this amateurish script is the sort that just fell out of some film student's bag pack. Sadly, a C-grade survival horror that nobody will miss.

Reminds me of:

Night At The Golden Eagle (2001).

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Torturous runaround but you can at least be consoled by the fact that it was at least coherent. Can't believe it cost more than US $3 million to make. Well, you can go over the remains of this project at the official Cornered! movie website that still runs today.★1/2

Bonus material:

Poor fellas.