The Victim (2011)

The incredibly tempting but titless scream queen Danielle Harris.

Real life lovers Michael Biehn and Jennifer Blanc.

At a glance:

The tagline asks: "Who is the victim?" Well, you mostly likely are, if you sat through this, like I did. The Victim (2011) is written and directed by Hollywood veteran Michael Biehn who couldn't resist also starrin in the damned thing, while castin his buxom wife Jennifer Blanc opposite him. Well actually, they started their own production house and this is the first of three pictures they shopped, I think. It's an R-rated effort about two sluts (Blanc and the equally trashy Danielle Harris) who are fixin to get it on with two police officers (Ryan Honey, Denny Kirkwood) in the woods but their tryst is compromised and Blanc's character escapes to a cabin inhabited by a mysterious loner (Biehn). Title refers to the guessin game we have to play, as we try to figure out their competin stories on just who is bein fucked over here.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Ryan Honey takes forever to come with Danielle Harris in The Victim (2011).

Jennifer Blanc-Biehn and Danielle Harris.

Reportedly shot over 12 days for US $800k, mostly in Topanga Canyon, close to Malibu, California, and marketed as grindhouse fare, helmer Michael Biehn apologetically said he "got the sex in, because I didn’t have money for special effects makeup, I didn’t have money for visual effects. I didn’t have money for crowd scenes of car chases, nothing like that and so I just went with the sex, dirty cops, drugs, a little bit of torture, and enough to do a little bit of action, and I threw in a serial killer." Well, that's all well and good but The Victim largely suffers from a structural issues i.e. unhelpful flashbacks and music that are well sourced but don't work. The onscreen sex between the husband and wife team is so sudden, it's hilarious. Biehn will always have his fans but I think Mrs. Biehn's actin and delivery still has some way to go. She's pushin 40 but she's got a voluptuous body, though.

Perennial wonderment:

What's the next level for Danielle Harris, I wonder? She's famous now after doin the Halloween and Hatchet movies, and I seem to always end up watchin her less illustrious appearances as well, such as Stake Land (2010), Cyrus (2010), ChromeSkull: Laid To Rest 2 (2011) and most recently Fatal Call before this favour to Michael Biehn.

Reminds me of:

Jennifer Blanc pleasures Denny Kirkwood in The Victim (2011).

Primal sex in the woods with betattooed women of loose morals... or was that all a dream sequence? Oh noooooooo ...
I can't remember if I cried:
What kind of girl would offer to give head in exchange for "living a little longer and doing something I've always enjoyed"? The kind of girl in a B-grade sexploitation flick, I guess. Oh, and what kind of guy would allow a girl to? An incredibly stupid one, that's for sure.

Most memorable line:

Some weak lines throughout but please do check out Michael Biehn's bizarre monologue on sociopaths in the closin scene, about "touching the face of God".

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Biehn at work.

Alan Cerny of Ain't It Cool News acquits The Victim as "a fun sleazy grindhouse film", in which Biehn was lauded for both givin a good performance and gettin good performances out of his actors. I can't say I can be as excited for it, but watchin the end credits reel does make me feel more forgivin towards the people behind it, who must've put in a lot of effort. I guess if I were Michael Biehn, this would definitely be somethin I'd proud to start out with. Good luck for your next try, sir. ★★1/2
Bonus material:

Danielle Harris. Not my kind of body type but she got heat, alright.

The Ouija Experiment (2011)

Eric Window: "Baby, I promise you. It's not gonna be on YouTube.
It's not gonna be on Sex Tube. The only place it's gonna be is on my tube."

Miranda Martinez scar
(SFX makeup artist Josh Fread)

At a glance:
Apparently shot with just $1,200, filmmaker Israel Luna (Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives, 2010) has completed The Ouija Experiment (2011), now sensibly retitled The Realm for its DVD release, in an attempt to either avoid legal wrangles with Hasbro head honchos or sound less like a bargain bin staple. Unfortunately, the package cannot escape its poor "found footage" pedigree, not even in its very first few minutes when most movies of its ilk would succeed in flatterin to deceive. It opens with a pretentiously weak title card about the titular occult object and a very annoyin actress of Vietnamese descent named Belmarie Huynh. She's soon followed by a motley crue of similarly inane and disengagin characters with their embarrassingly hammy lines.

Bad news on the doorstep:

It's the kind of movie I'd really look forward to if all my friends are in it.

Perennial wonderment:

Surely you'd ask about lottery numbers
instead of cheating boyfriends, no?

When will this genre bring somethin new to the table? Here's a list of some of the ho-hum found footage films I've sat through recently - The Tunnel Movie (2011), Another Kind (2011), The Jungle (2013) and Absence (2013). Of all these, The Ouija Experiment is certainly no better.

Reminds me of:

The last ouija board effort I watched was Ouija (2007) a.k.a. Seance. That was a Filipino effort by Topel Lee and it had a hot chick or two at least.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

"Whattt???"

Maybe if they had just shot the ouija-playin bits in a conventional format and then added the elaborate 10-min flashback sequence towards the end, it would've worked better. Also, the fact that there's also a video webchat interface midway when the characters contacts someone online fatally takes us out of the "found footage" experience. Oh, well. You can check out its official Facebook fan page for more information. Otherwise, jog on.★1/2

Bonus material:

Leah Diaz as Gracie.

Small Pond (2011)

Hari Leigh plays Kirsten, a painfully mediocre young woman.

Amy Seimetz:
"Do not fuck with my portobello mushrooms!"
Copyright 2011 Tenhoursaweek, LLC.
Photo credit: Karen Johnson

At a glance:

Longtime Hollywood crewman Josh Slates has written and directed his first feature film - the overwhelmingly indie but quietly original Small Pond (2011), a movie he describes as "both a love letter to Columbia, Missouri as well as a satirical comedy about the lives of leisure that are led by its youthful inhabitants". Congratulations are in order, as they've managed to shop it. When you watch the movie, you'd understand why the movie deserves to be seen by more people. It's a coming-of-age caper about a sloppy pizzeria worker (Hari Leigh) whose annoyin aimlessness in life is strainin every relationship she has with people around her. She wants no part in job promotions, health insurance or even basic grocery shoppin because she lives her life from one week to the next. Like all decent coming-of-age movies, things are about to change for our irresponsible ne'er-do-well. It's a neat little Midwestern portrait of a college town with some rather basic components but the story is sound and the characters never overstay their welcome, resultin in an pleasantly disarmin narrative.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Susan Burke and Hari Leigh
Copyright 2011 Tenhoursaweek, LLC. Photo credit: Karen Johnson

Some complain that the female lead is not likeable enough to invest in but perhaps our mixed feelings for her are precisely what makes a good character arc. More would grow restless with the static and muted drama throughout the proceedings, though this is again, fully intended. A bigger budget would've jazzed things up a notch or two but I guess that would've made it a different movie.

Ann Magnuson
Copyright 2011 Tenhoursaweek, LLC.
Photo credit: Karen Johnson

Reminds me of:

The story draws heavily from the set location and some parts were filmed in St Louis. I had a friend there but no longer.

Watch out for:

Hari Leigh carries the movie and she's quite an enchantin character by the sounds of her blog, on which she describes herself as "an exuberant blast of indie kookiness". There's no nudity in the movie, though followers of this blog might notice the size of her bosom. Her character seems to have gone out of the way to appear totally desexed, after a suggestive introduction in the openin scene. Oh well.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Short and sincere, devoid of cheap melodrama. 76 minutes of time well spent, I'd say. Go check out the Facebook fan page and official website for updates, if only to read the delightfully-penned director's statement. Very interested to see what Josh Slates can do in a bigger pond.★★★
Bonus material:

Hari Leigh
Copyright 2011 Tenhoursaweek, LLC. Photo credit: Karen Johnson

Julia X (2011)

Alicia Leigh Willis plays unhinged sex maniac sister Jessica in Julia X (2011)

At a glance:

Ving Rhames takes revenge for being Marcellus Wallace.

Cheap slasher with a smidgen of black humour, strangely and unnecessarily released in 3D, starrin Kevin Sorbo as a bad guy. We follow him on an online dating rendezvous gone wrong, involvin two psychotic but sexy, bra-swappin sisters (Valerie Azlynn and Alicia Leigh Willis) and to a lesser extent, a completely unsuspectin victim (Joel David Moore) who walks blindfolded (literally) into the bloody state of affairs. Movie title is in reference to the killer's contrived m.o. of brandin his victims. The writer and director is P.J. Pettiette of Jennifer's Shadow (2004) a.k.a. Raven.
Bad news on the doorstep:
With a thin concept that gives itself away too soon, Brett Gallman writes how Julia X quickly becomes "an over-the-top, sometimes tedious farce that resembles a live action, 90 minute episode of Itchy & Scratchy as our trio of nutcases bludgeon, maim, and scream at each other". Variety's Joe Leydon, in a taut two-para review condemns Julia X as "a promising premise in search of a satisfying execution. Thanks to 3D, various objects periodically appear to jut out from the screen - but that doesn't help."

Errr... Julia X. Literally.

Perennial wonderment:

Kevin Sorbo finds work. Yay!

 Where do I find girls like these?

Reminds me of:

The title and the poster reminds me of X: Night Of Vengeance (2011). That was an equally uneventful movie.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Very unremarkable. They kept playin the Carpenter's Close To You for that dark humour effect but couldn't even give Ving Rhames a cameo with a cool line or two.★★
Bonus material:

Klip 3GP (2011)

Klip 3GP: Kids, make sure your mum's not in these videos.

At a glance:

Enterprising Mat Skodeng in action.

Primeworks Studios / Grand Brilliance under Tengku Iesta Tengku Alaudin / Ahmad Puad Onah sure played up a sensational stinker with this one. Despite grossin a surprisin RM 1.14 million in its theatrical run, this unfortunate and critical lapse of judgment went to the extent of promo investments, goin downtown with events even. Why the hate, you ask? Well, I've seen me some piss poor movies in my time but while pointless self-indulgences like Momok Don't Find Trouble (2012) and Killer Clown (2010) have nary an iota of cultural or artistic merit to contribute to the industry or the country, at least they represent no real harm to society, other than to reaffirm Malaysia's general (and generally accepted) decline in cinema. The One Nation Emcees vehicle Klip 3GP (2011) is, to borrow an 80s term, a kind of video nasty; and what's worse is that nothin explicit is actually shown! 

Bad news on the doorstep:

Show me the money!

Shot with about a million ringgit, this film is a great embarrassment and insult to the Malay race. It's hated so much, they set up not one but several Facebook groups to call for a boycott - indicatin that at least some good sense and righteous anger could still arise from the masses, however ineffectual the stand was. Ploddin along a non-script barely held together by several instances of unsavoury mobile phone recordings (hence the title, in reference of the now notorious file format), Sofia J. Rhyland's story and screenplay in Klip 3GP covers everything from supernatural horror (?!) to cheap sexploitation, exposin the sniggerin, amoral characters of progressive urban decay without any credible plot resolution, unless you count a vengeful, bloodied and oversexed Mimifly (Shamimi Amalina Norhisham) goin into OTT desperation against phone porno mastermind Zahiril Adzim. "Promise you delete, promise you delete?" The smarmy histrionics are irredeemable if you actually sat through to the final act. She sure dances good, though.

Perennial wonderment:

Lead actress Mimifly of One Nation Emcees. Err... good dancing.

Lead actress Mimifly was actually one of the nominees for Most Promising Actress at the 24th Malaysian Film Festival 2011, eventually losin to Nadiya Nisaa for her role in Cun! (2011). She's got the presence but she's not really an actress is she? I oughtta stop citin this ridiculous awards show.

"You cakap you dah delete?"

Reminds me of:

The 400mb of Malay porn recordings I used to have in my harddrive. I never knew who put it in there. I was also surprised how many seemingly polite members of society asked me for them.

Most memorable line:

"Tatu tu... macam tak betul je?" Movie itself tak betul, more like.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Reminds me Darah a.k.a Macabre (2009).

I ain't one to take the moral high horse; this is an X-rated blog after all. It's just that this sanctioned hypocrisy beggars belief. A Malaysian exploitation movie won't be able to actually depict the exploitation, so what's the point? Your faith in the powers that be should stay shakier than ever if you consider that this movie was actually passed with a PG13 ratin. I guess that's the official endorsement - urgin 8-year-olds to be accompanied by their parents when goin to see a movie that teaches us how to record schoolkids givin blowjobs at staircases and peddle them to webmasters for a profit without bein caught.★1/2
Bonus material:

Ronggeng time: GSC Pavilion premiere [10 Nov 2011, Facebook credit]

This picture should win an award, really.

Proud director Aidilfitri Mohamed Yunos

I believe this was the banned TV spot.

Sonny Boy (2011)

Winsome inter-racial couple, Rika (Ricky Koole) and Waldemar (Sergio Hasselbaink).

At a glance:

Proudly Dutch and therefore chosen as its official 2012 Oscars submission for Best Foreign Language Pic and also for European Union Film Festival screenings across the globe, Maria Peters' lavish Sonny Boy (2011) is an $8 mil inter-racial love story set against a Holocaust backdrop, with plenty of period detail and afternoon TV melodrama. It's based on a true story about a Surinam scholar and swimmer who knocked up a married white Dutch lady 17 years his senior. Title is in reference to the old crooner's song and subsequently the name of the lovechild borne out of their difficult but passionate union.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Nevermind the over-saturated colours of what I believe to be a poor DVD transfer being played at The Royal, this old-fashioned romance epic benefits firstly from a handsome inter-racial couple, Rika (Ricky Koole) and Waldemar (Sergio Hasselbaink), who command good onscreen chemistry. I remember all too well the last time I saw an unconvincin inter-racial pairin was also at the European Union Film Festival, albeit the 2010 Malaysian edition at GSC. It was For All Eternity (2002) where a Chinese man had zero chemistry with the Austrian female lead. Anyway, back to Sonny Boy, the movie is largely uneven and tried to do too much, payin dues to too many lesser characters and effectively takin the momentum out of the picture. Most of the emotional hooks unfortunately came across as rather underwhelmin, I suspect due to the unimaginative music score. What happened to that powerful, epic-soundin score from the trailer? Anyway, in doin justice to Annejet van der Zijl's novel from which it's adapted, I feel more intense camerawork and a shorter edit would've done the trick.

Perennial wonderment:

"Have you ever drank soymilk out of a chocolate straw?"

Who is Ricky Koole? She has enormous presence and a classy, thoughtful disposition. Hope to see her in a big Hollywood picture someday?

Reminds me of:

A Beautiful Life (1997) with an inter-racial twist, like in For All Eternity (2002).

Most memorable line:

"There are two things a plant needs to grow. Sun and water. These are our rainy days."

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

I believe I might be prejudiced by a poor viewin experience. Nevertheless it's a movie with its heart in the right place. Enjoyed the little bits of humour, too.★★★
Bonus material:

I suppose they're the real Waldemar Nods, Rika van der Lans and Sonny Boy
if indeed their real names were used. Looks like a happy family.

Simon And The Oaks (2011) @ Simon Och Ekarna

Swedish post-coital chess? Oughtta try it sometime.

At a glance:

Simon And The Oaks (2011) or Simon Och Ekarna in its native Swedish, is a lavish adaptation from Marianne Fredriksson's 1985 book of the same name. Running 122 minutes long, it's a WWII comin-of-age drama told chiefly through an awkward boy, Simon (Jonatan S. Wächter) who talks to trees and dreams of music, findin no support nor understandin from his pragmatic home. He goes to a fancy city school and befriends a Jewish boy called Isak (Karl Martin Eriksson). The two essentially swap fathers due to common interests and by the end credits, you'd appreciate why the Swedes thought this was a pretty powerful picture and it swept everythin at their domestic awards.

Bad news on the doorstep:

The young Simon (Jonatan S. Wächter)

This film is part of this year's lineup at GSC's European Union Film Festival so I thought I'd look it up. It wasn't their Best Foreign Language Pic submission to the Oscars and you could see why. Filmleaf's Chris Knipp summarises: "despite international success, Simon lacks anything to make it special. It feels like a rehash of many other pictures with just a touch of Swedishness pasted in; it quite lacks the magic of Jan Troell's historical sagas." Indeed I felt more moved with Troell's Maria Larsson's Everlasting Moments (2008) in the same event three years back. Blu-ray.com's Brian Orndoft notes how it's "surprising but also frustrating, especially when larger ideas on musical liberation and environmental connection are lost to the melodrama, resulting in an intermittently powerful, yet vaguely detailed film." Variety's Ronnie Schreib praises the retention of the narrative complexity of the Swedish bestseller on which it's based but decries how the WWII saga "never creates an emotional or intellectual throughline of its own". I'll sum it all up for you - it was a very uneven movie that was largely borin. 

Perennial wonderment:

I have yet to see the 2010 Swede submission that made the last eight for Best Foreign Language Pic - Simple Simon a.k.a. I Rymden Finns Inga Känslor (meanin "in space there are no feelings"). About time I did.

Reminds me of:

Katharina Schuttler obliges with a full frontal.

The older Simon is portrayed by Bill Skarsgård, son of Stellan, and he reminds me of Louis Garrel in The Dreamers (2003). That sex scene recalls the one in Angela's Ashes (1999) - would you have sex with a horny young girl stricken with the consumption?

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Problematic momentum and not enough emotional hooks to get us to root for the older Simon, who comes across rather unlikeable and difficult to comprehend. What can I say - go read the book, perhaps? An accomplished movie, nonetheless.★★1/2
Bonus material:
Here we have some important sex scenes you won't be watchin if you're gonna catch this at the upcomin European Union Film Festival in Malaysia. Simon (Bill Skarsgård) is seduced by concentration camp survivor Iza (Katharina Schuttler) but her damaged, psycho-sexual  requires a spot of S&M from him and he simply can't provide the rough lovin. Unless things have changed, it will go down to the manual cardboard censorship again.

Simon (Bill Skarsgård) is seduced by concentration camp survivor Iza (Katharina Schuttler)
but cannot provide for her damaged psycho-sexual needs.

Director Lisa Ohlin with cast Bill Skarsgård and Helen Sjöholm.

(L-R) Cast & crew: Jan Josef Liefers, Katharina Schuettler, Lisa Ohlin, Bill Skarsgard.
Photocall during a set visit to promote the new movie 3 May 2010.