Chop (2011)

"Work it out. Let's work it the fuck out."

At a glance:

Low-budget indie slasher with oddball humour, a directorial debut by accomplished C-movie actor Trent Haaga (Jessicka Rabid, 2009). We follow the afflicted Lance Reed (multi-hyphenate self-starter Will Keenan a.k.a Billy Bakshi, Tromeo & Juliet, 1996) as he hitchhikes with the wrong psycho (Timothy Muskatell) and is taken on a Saw (2004)-like nightmare to confront his duplicitous past. Is his Indian wife (Tanisha Mukerji) havin extramarital anal sex with his half-brother Bobby (Chad Ferrin) behind his errr... back? Is there an unlikely followup to the skanky whore he shortchanged for a ten-dollar blowjob in the car a long time ago? Doesn't really matter. Lance is bein systematically dismembered bit by bit. With two police detectives (Tamil T. Rhee and the movie's scriptwriter Adam Minarovich) closin in on him, he must figure out what exactly is his captor's game before he loses it all.

Bad news on the doorstep:

For a movie with such determination, it surprisingly fizzles out in the last third and culminates in a completely anti-climactic payoff. Will Keenan carries the show but his comic timin gets no help from the weary screenplay. I think maybe they should've gone all the way OTT instead of recoilin tongue-in-cheek every time they set things up. The tension was missin half the time.

"You are a cheap ass motherfucker who only pays 10 fuckin dollars
for a blowjob in the goddamn parking lot!"

I can't remember if I cried:

Like I said, the endin. I believe maybe even no endin was better than that endin.
Watch out for:

Riskin life & limb.

Would've liked to see more of newcomer Malaya Manson and a trashy Elina Madison (Someone's Knocking At The Door, 2009) who plays a crack ho in this movie. However, the one everyone wants to see catch a glimpse of is undoubtedly Camille Keaton from I Spit On Your Grave (1978) who seems to be makin a comeback with a couple of cameos here and there. Mike Long at DVD Sleuth notes there is a four-minute deleted scene featurin the scream queen on the DVD and that it was actually interestin, not that would have saved the movie but interestin nonetheless. They should've left it in and cut out some of the more redundant parts because I still can't find the damned scene, even after gettin some helpful directions from the people who run the Facebook fan page for the movie.

Malaya Manson & Timothy Muskatell

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Brett Gallman over at Oh, The Horror! appreciated it bein "gruesome and short, two things that are mightily appealing whenever you’re dealing with something that’s basically an extended joke with a bad punch line." It's a peculiar movie that now invokes a strange curiosity in me towards amputee porn. Watch at your own risk.★★
Bonus material:

Director Trent Haaga framin Will Keenan with Elina Madison.

Check out Chop The Movie today on Facebook.

Cherry Bomb (2011)

Julin Jean: Cherry bombed, unfortunately.

At a glance:

Julin Jean, Grayce Benesh & Denise Williamson.

Not to be confused with the 2009 Irish film of the same name, Cherry Bomb (2011) is Garrett Hargrove's All-Texan rehash of rape & revenge movies, starrin foxy lead Julin Jean as the titular stripper. Well, they might not have managed a theatrical release but I should think they've made a few bucks since the Blu-Ray is already out. The product has good online presence - a Facebook fan page since Valentine's Day in 2009 and an official website with links to an in-depth production blog with lots of interviews and photos. Hell they even used the Facebook page to do a shoutout when the lead actress got her car stolen! All in all, it looked like a well-planned project and everyone seemed to have enjoyed themselves.

Bad news on the doorstep:

"What time do you get off work?"
- Because everyone has tried it at least once.

Hey you know I always show love to stripper-themed movies, even the very bad ones. However the audience simply isn't given enough to care for Cherry from the get-go. Julin Jean's portrayal is static and one-dimensional despite havin done some 600 movies, so that's quite unfortunate, although I will keep a lookout for her CV (Retractable / Puncture, Renfeld The Undead, The Toy Box) from now on. The rest of the strippers and peripheral women don't feature much (Grayce Benesh, Denise Williamson, Mysteria Black, Caitlyn Hutson, Sabrina Jones, AJ Bailey, Thea Marie, Brandy Lee, Johanna Jackson, Amanda Arnold etc) and the bad guy (Allen Hackney) is just a silent Jules Verne from Pulp Fiction (1994) but with a bigger afro. 

Perennial wonderment:

I'm singlin out John Gabriel (Cherry's reluctant brother and partner-in-crime) here for a performance that belongs to a far more superior movie.

Reminds me of:

I Spit on Your Grave / Day Of The Woman (1978), Run! Bitch Run! (2009) and the Kill Bill movies. Actually, Julin Jean's role reminds me of Rose McGowan's one-legged stripper role in Planet Terror (2007). That stripper was also called Cherry but she was drawn out much better and had much more goin for her.

Watch out for:

Porn actor Nick Manning's role. Man can't act to save his life - should've kept him mute.

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Instead of goin down as the very accomplished and enjoyable B-movie it could've easily been, Cherry Bomb committed the story sin of havin an unlikeable lead nobody really wants to root for. The fact that it was set in 1984 wasn't convincin and didn't help the story none. ★★
Trailer for the curious:

Bonus material:

Amanda Arnold

Caitlyn Hutson and Sabrina Jones.

Kaidan (2007) @ 怪談

Hitomi Kuroki 黒木瞳 prays in Kaidan 怪談 (2007).

At a glance:

Tae Kimura 木村多江

Kaidan a.k.a. 怪談 (Japanese literal: ghost story) denotes a genre of film (maybe like the Chinese wuxia or Western grindhouse), the sort that this reviewer understands to be ghost stories with an old-fashioned style to it. Just as charmin as the Masaki Kobayashi 1964 movie with the same name (similar elements too e.g. The Woman In The Snow), Kaidan is all about slow buildups and restrained suspense, as it should be. It's not about the sudden face in the mirror you have come to spill your popcorn over in Siamese horror films. Some may see hints of early Bergman horror here because of the number of intense facial close-ups that spook you no end. Still, it is not a character study as much as an old-fashioned ghost story with the requisite themes of vengeance and karma. Rich in colour and context, the motivations behind all the characters in are unambiguous. After a narrator's prologue, young tobacco seller Shinkichi (Kikunosuke Onoe) finds lonely, rich older woman Toyoshiga (Hitomi Kuroki, Tokyo Tower, 2005) and starts a life of mutual need. When this balance changes, we explore the scary bits of Japanese folklore through revenge, redemption and destruction. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned – that's the best teaser I can think of. However, it isn't as one dimensional as that. Kaidan explores existential fatalism and creates fear through systematic progression. One particularly interesting plot device is the infliction of cuts; it is the dread of knowin somethin will get worse before it can get better. What a delight!

Till death do us part?

Bad news on the doorstep:

It runs a minute short of two hours if you're the sort who's only into quick spooks.

Perennial wonderment:

Why do Asian horror films always have to be about haunted objects? Forget the rings, wigs, grudges et cetera. Kaidan works on many levels, offerin a variety of rewards for every type of viewer. It's perhaps best described as an excellent introduction to classical Japanese period horror for those in this generation of cinema who only know the post-modern era made commercially viable by success stories like Ringu (1998) and such.

Kumiko Aso

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Like most Japanese movies, the more familiar you are with ritualistic details from that land, the more satisfaction you will derive from absorbing the whole movie experience. The story traps you in its old world intrigue and unleashes all its fury in the last half hour, succeedin where many horrors fail in terms of endurance. It recaptures an audience right after creatin the openings to risk losin it. What great pacin! Since yakuza actioners will never make it here, this is your best bet for some samurai action.★★★1/2
Bonus material:
Here are some stills from the movie plus a couple of neat photos from the set.

You must watch this movie.