Run (2013)

Mortal Kombat's Sub Zero? No, it's William Moseley in a parkour flick for tweens.

I once tried out for the 100m hurdles and hurt my balls.

At a glance:

Don't think there's been better "movie ambassadors" to parkour than Banlieue 13 (2004) and Yamakasi (2001), so Simone Bartesaghi's indie effort Run (2013) with the folks from Team Tempest is a worth a look-see if you're into this scene. It's supposed to be in 3D too, I think, though I watched me the regular version. What you get is a serviceable little time-waster, starrin William Moseley (English child star from the 2005 Narnia movie) as "hero... thief... traceur", as the taglines will have it. Nope, the man's instantly forgettable.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Unfortunately, Run tends to careen towards Step Up and Streetdance territory, lackin both the urgency and the pedigree to be taken more seriously by a wider audience. I'm not surprised some might even fall asleep watchin the trailer -- it's quite a lethargic little number for a movie about freerunnin! So I'm thinkin the only people who can be remotely excited about this are ) members of the production and distribution team b) parkour fans c) teenage moviegoers who will gobble up anythin with a young cast and a romantic subplot. It was a chore to finish this without some sort of substance abuse, really.

Perennial wonderment:

Slug parkour. This picture I found off the Internet must be some sort of cryptic review of the movie.

If I were born in a French banlieue, would I have been a traceur? All I can do now is admire all these Luc Besson movies and think of how I'd been chased by people all my life and never made an international movement out of it.

Kelsey Chow

Reminds me of:

Dance movies for teenagers. Can't believe I've had to watch a few. I think I've only ever enjoyed Honey (2003). Come to think of it, the female lead here looks a bit like Jessica Alba, doesn't she? Too bad she doesn't do much.

Watch out for:

Kelsey Asbill Chow, the Chinese-English looker who appeared in The Amazing Spider-Man (2012) but someone like my sister would remember as Gigi from TV's One Tree Hill. She complements the fluff here perfectly.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

I guess what tipped it for me was that the parkour scenes aren't really immersive or fun to watch. Oh, well. Check out the official website and Facebook page for more info. I'm off to bed, fellas.★★
Bonus material:

What a poor promo pic. This review is to help out.

Tunnel Vision (2013)

Ion Overman and Cristos a.k.a. Chris Pappas in Tunnel Vision (2013).

Leslie Mills should've had more screen time!

At a glance:

Thought this was either a National Geographic documentary or a sci-fi movie about aliens -- it's not, but can bet Justin Timberlake's sexy song wasn't inspired from any of it. The synopsis reads: "When a jury fails to convict the serial killer who savagely murdered his family, one man must rise above his desire for revenge and descend into the deranged world of a sadistic predator to uncover the truth and finally get justice. What begins as a classic revenge tale takes a dramatic turn into a haunting land of horror and murder."

Bad news on the doorstep:

It's a vanity project by New Castle native Cristos a.k.a. Chris Pappas. He writes, produces and stars in the movie. The man tries but he's way too pedestrian for a main character that requires a cinematic balance of depth and charm. Actress Delila Vallot tries herself in the director's seat, so it must be her first feature film. This isn't the worst movie in the world that was [reportedly] made with $100,000 but it's simply so unremarkable that few would've gone ahead on so little. Yet Vallot, who also directed the trailer, saw fit to describe Tunnel Vision "stylistically as film noir meets Sin City meets Jacob’s Ladder meets The Exorcist meets Seven meets Fight Club". Well, they have to sell it, don't they?

Cristos and Scott Haze

Perennial wonderment:

Why does it exist?

I can't remember if I cried:

When I read about how Pappas' mother cooked for the film crew because it means to much to him.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

A movie is not a psychological thriller just because the it's in 10 shades of grey and there's a guy who experiences a lot of nightmares and flashbacks. A movie is also supposed to be fun! For more info, check out the official Tunnel Vision Facebook fan page. ★★

Well, next time maybe?

Blackout (2013)

Chelsea Reeves riding a disinterested Timothy Woodward Jr in Blackout.

Does Bill Oberst Jr
know what he's doing here?

At a glance:

Matthew K. Hacker's maiden feature film Blackout (2013) is a shoestring budget murder mystery currently on VOD release, so let's cut him some slack whenever we can. After a drunken night out at a strip bar with friends, our lead character Harley (Timothy Woodward Jr) is rudely awakened by his sexy fiancée Sophie (Chelsea Reeves) who refuses to relieve his mornin wood, instead hurryin him for an all-important meetin with her lawyer dad which would seal his position as hotshot junior partner at their firm. Shit is afoot when he discovers a dead woman in the shower and he doesn't remember a damned thing. Two other characters in this skeleton story are his best friend Alfred (Robert Covington) and the creepy concierge Rommel (Bill Oberst Jr) in his building.

Bad news on the doorstep:

I would love to wake up to this. Wouldn't you?

South Carolina native Timothy Woodward Jr carries the charmless frat guy feel and he's very far from bein a polished actor - but he has managed to turn in the kind of dodgy performance that makes you stick around to see if it improves, so that's a start, I guess. The biggest problem is with the movie plot. It's a disaster with several questionable characters and the subsequent arcs they take. The awful endin, particularly, plays like it was thrown in because they didn't know where else to run with it.

Perennial wonderment:

As long as you get your movie out there, it's gotta be some sort of success, right?

Reminds me of:

Wotta mess. Then again, I must've done worse in my time.

Most memorable line:
None.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Come to think of it, I'm not too absolutely certain what happened in this movie. Did they lose their minds when they were writin the story? Lookin at the movie title, the pun is all too easy to make. Let's have mercy.★★

"Shit. Should've killed a skinnier bird. How am I gonna move all this fat!"

Small Pond (2011)

Hari Leigh plays Kirsten, a painfully mediocre young woman.

Amy Seimetz:
"Do not fuck with my portobello mushrooms!"
Copyright 2011 Tenhoursaweek, LLC.
Photo credit: Karen Johnson

At a glance:

Longtime Hollywood crewman Josh Slates has written and directed his first feature film - the overwhelmingly indie but quietly original Small Pond (2011), a movie he describes as "both a love letter to Columbia, Missouri as well as a satirical comedy about the lives of leisure that are led by its youthful inhabitants". Congratulations are in order, as they've managed to shop it. When you watch the movie, you'd understand why the movie deserves to be seen by more people. It's a coming-of-age caper about a sloppy pizzeria worker (Hari Leigh) whose annoyin aimlessness in life is strainin every relationship she has with people around her. She wants no part in job promotions, health insurance or even basic grocery shoppin because she lives her life from one week to the next. Like all decent coming-of-age movies, things are about to change for our irresponsible ne'er-do-well. It's a neat little Midwestern portrait of a college town with some rather basic components but the story is sound and the characters never overstay their welcome, resultin in an pleasantly disarmin narrative.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Susan Burke and Hari Leigh
Copyright 2011 Tenhoursaweek, LLC. Photo credit: Karen Johnson

Some complain that the female lead is not likeable enough to invest in but perhaps our mixed feelings for her are precisely what makes a good character arc. More would grow restless with the static and muted drama throughout the proceedings, though this is again, fully intended. A bigger budget would've jazzed things up a notch or two but I guess that would've made it a different movie.

Ann Magnuson
Copyright 2011 Tenhoursaweek, LLC.
Photo credit: Karen Johnson

Reminds me of:

The story draws heavily from the set location and some parts were filmed in St Louis. I had a friend there but no longer.

Watch out for:

Hari Leigh carries the movie and she's quite an enchantin character by the sounds of her blog, on which she describes herself as "an exuberant blast of indie kookiness". There's no nudity in the movie, though followers of this blog might notice the size of her bosom. Her character seems to have gone out of the way to appear totally desexed, after a suggestive introduction in the openin scene. Oh well.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Short and sincere, devoid of cheap melodrama. 76 minutes of time well spent, I'd say. Go check out the Facebook fan page and official website for updates, if only to read the delightfully-penned director's statement. Very interested to see what Josh Slates can do in a bigger pond.★★★
Bonus material:

Hari Leigh
Copyright 2011 Tenhoursaweek, LLC. Photo credit: Karen Johnson

Into The Woods (2012)

Ava Brunini as Stacy: "Can someone please get me out of this movie?"

At a glance:

Hadrian Hooks: "Just do it. Don't let anyone stop you."

We judge the player based on the play and this movie review blog is all about lookin out for respectable indie efforts that might otherwise just pass under the radar. That bein said, in this age of technology, too many movies have been made just because they could. I'm still reelin from havin sat through Money Shot (2013) the other day and now find myself endurin debut writer-director Hadrian Hooks' Into The Woods (2012), a labour of love that must mean a lot to him, as you can deduce from a rather frank interview with the man, who sounds like a nice enough fella. Completed quite some time ago and havin recently found DVD/VOD release, it's a horror-by-numbers shoestring project, about a group of friends who take up a bet to spend a night in the murderous woods of Hollywood Hills.

Bad news on the doorstep:

How we might be persuaded to watch the DVD.

While its low production values are apparent, especially considerin the limited funds at disposal for productions such as these, Into The Woods is not a place worth goin, largely due to a completely unremarkable story with little or no payoff at all. After one has forgiven all the poor angles, bad lightin and banal dialogue, it's still difficult to even remotely care for these cardboard characters who never say or do anythin interestin. Shoot me dead, they ain't even memorable enough to be dislikeable! Characters make up the all-important cinegredient that usually elevates any zero-budget horror flick to a level of respectable fun, whatever its compendium of shortcomings. Sadly, the pedestrian actors prove fatal to the enjoyment of the movie, so I hope Hooks starts from a better place should he decide to have another go at it in the future.

Perennial wonderment:

So painfully amateur.

When will the necessarily unintelligent people in horror movies stop queuin up to be slaughtered like helpless lambs?

I can't remember if I cried:

Yep. Precisely how I feel about the movie.

When I realised the movie's villain is hardly ever seen (not just due to the bad lightin), heard or explained.

Most memorable line:

The only moment in the movie with some semblance of originality is when Laila Odom's character says that black people don't go into the woods and that it's a white people thing.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

It hardly meets the minimum advertisin expectations I set for it after seein the poster. One of the few positives from the movie is that it's really short. Sorry mate, nothin here. So jog on.★1/2

Money Shot (2013) @ Agua Caliente

Kristina Page, Jessica Sonneborn, Jennifer Kristin Cox and Bill McAdams Jr.

Early keyart before retitling.

At a glance:

Self-indulgent T&A indie comedy Money Shot a.k.a. Agua Caliente (2013) is probably a dream come true for its writer, director and star Bill McAdams Jr. The story, should you choose to endure it, is about a D-list producer and his hedonistic film crew who are forced to shoot a sleazy movie after they unwisely partied their budget away, failin which they will face the wrath of his violent, no-nonsense financier uncle.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Well, this is a good example of the sort of movie you make for you and your circle of 500 friends to watch. It's actually rated R but unfortunately tamer than some sex chat informercials you might see on late night telly. If you've got a lot of time on your hands and insist on watchin it despite havin sat through the trailer, then you're probably not goin to be too disappointed.

Budget constraints? Yikes.

Perennial wonderment:

Do we blame The Hangover for movies like these?

Reminds me of:

I just watched Casting Couch (2013) a week or two ago. Can't decide which is more inane.

Yep, it's that kind of movie.

Watch out for:

Jason Mewes (Jay from Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back) and agein wrestler Al Snow cameos.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

As I have written so often lately, I do hope the filmmakers and the cast had themselves a ball, at least. For more information, check out its official website or its Facebook page.★
Bonus material:
Why don't you just look at these movie stills below and amuse yourself for a few minutes, then jog on.

Jessica Sonneborn as Hollywood party girl Lena Starr.
I'm more interested in the sandwich at this point.
Oh, she co-wrote the movie too.

Thale (2012)

Sought this one out on the strength of this visual alone. Wotta sight!

At a glance:

Thale (pronounced TOH-LUH?) is an impressive indie effort built on Norse mythology (recent fare ranges from Thor to Troll Hunter), from which director Alexander Nordaas serves original tale. He was at hand at the recent Toronto International Film Festival to introduce the movie and share that it was apparently shot with just US$10k on a camera cheaper than a Canon 5D, just one lens throughout. We follow two crime scene cleaners (Jon Sigve Skard, Erlend Nervold) who stumble upon a spectacular discovery - a wild creature called huldra. Think naked blonde mermaid, minus fins, plus tail.

Bad news on the doorstep:

I didn't mind the cartoonish creatures, as most critics did. The most expensive CG work wouldn't have elevated this much. However, I did find it too slow meanderin at times. Could do with a few more edits and should've definitely focused on the magic of the animal and the dynamics of the relationships that follow.

Perennial wonderment:

Silje Reinåmo as the titular forest nymph. Would ya, could ya? I don't know, mate.

Reminds me of:

The Woman (2011), Deadgirl (2008) and The Girl Next Door (2007) but without the mythical spin, of course.

Most memorable line:

None - that's the problem.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
I think the strength of this movie lies in its clean, disquietin visuals but lacks a compellin story arc that would've made the movie more important. Robert Bell of Exclaim points out, "exposition and clumsy character development define the central mystery, with the occasional female castration and image of a mutilated ersatz vagina sewn up reminding us that the theme is all about female subjugation, as exacerbated by the naked woman running about stuffing food into her mouth like a wild animal". The misogyny is picked up on, among others, by Dread Central's Serena Whitney who warns that "those expecting Thale to be a frightening creature feature will be sorely disappointed as the title character is treated more like a mythical hermaphrodite than the lethal siren the trailer makes her out to be. Although there is no doubt that the director intended on making a weirdly touching and emotional film about the kindness of strangers in a callous world, it oddly comes off very contrived and substantially sexist at parts as the one thing that gives Thale power is her cow tail (which is undeniably phallic); and once it’s cut off, she is weak, frail and helpless until the two awkward male protagonists come to save her, conveying to (at least) female viewers everywhere that all a woman needs to build up the strength lying within is to have a man rescue her." I don't have the insight to appreciate that but it definitely fell short emotionally. Here's hopin that the director will attract investment for better movies from him in the future. For more information go visit the official Thale website or its corresponding Facebook page.★★1/2
Bonus material:

Some kinda dance gimmick for the movie's promo at Colosseum Kino, Norway.

Cornered! (2009)

Doughnut Donny wants to screw Jess but all he could do is pretend not to be
starin at her cleavage, just like the rest of the audience. Wotta dead script.

At a glance:

CGI rcockoaches.
They're in the movie, too.

James Duval tried.

"Not the panties, Clyde!"

Essentially, Cornered! is an indie horror feature expanded from a one-sentence premise with a token twist, just in case you forget you're watchin a micro-budgeted C-movie. During their nightly poker game, a group of lowlifes are terrorised in their own convenience store by a masked killer. We have deliveryman Morty (Steve Guttenberg, Cocoon, 1985), sweaty Latino proprietor Steve (Eduardo Garcia), his useless addict nephew (James Duval from the Gregg Araki movies), zaftig sex chat part-timer Mona (Ellia English, Aunt Helen from The Jamie Foxx Show), fat nobody Doughnut Donny (Peter Story) and the kindly prostitute Jess (Elizabeth Nicole) that he so desperately wants to boink but cannot, on account of his colossal fuckup loser of a personality.

Elizabeth Nicole gives her cleavage to the cause.

Bad news on the doorstep:

None of these characters have anythin goin for them. Who wants to watch a bunch of losers for 87 minutes? Shouldn't there be at least one interestin, sympathetic protagonist to root for? Shouldn't there be at least some cheap nudity since it's rated R? James Duval and Ellia English have a good go at it but this amateurish script is the sort that just fell out of some film student's bag pack. Sadly, a C-grade survival horror that nobody will miss.

Reminds me of:

Night At The Golden Eagle (2001).

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Torturous runaround but you can at least be consoled by the fact that it was at least coherent. Can't believe it cost more than US $3 million to make. Well, you can go over the remains of this project at the official Cornered! movie website that still runs today.★1/2

Bonus material:

Poor fellas.

Seventh Moon (2008)

At a glance:

Burning effigies:
A multi-million dollar industry.

I've decided to revisit some of the more recent films about the Hungry Ghost Festival, the calendar staple that lends such a rich source for ghost stories when I was growin up. This American horror indie would've disappeared under the radar, if it were not written and directed by Blair Witch Project (1999) mastermind Eduardo Sánchez and had the dirty star appeal of Amy Smart in the lead. Seventh Moon is based on the Chinese legend that on the full moon of the seventh lunar month, the gates of Hell open and the Dead can enter the realm of the Livin. Melissa (Amy Smart) and Yul (Tim Chiou), Americans on a honeymoon in China, end up lost in a remote village, thanks to nervous taxi driver Ping (Dennis Chan).

Bad news on the doorstep:

Horror movie pre-requisite:
Doin what you're not supposed to. Without backup.

The burnt offerings may be lost on Western viewers but for anyone comin from this part of the world, it's pretty creepy stuff - although Eduardo Sánchez seems to have taken a wrong turn somewhere and turned this into a monster movie by the third act. Many critics have lamented on the decision to overuse the shaky cam technique here, a favourite for the director. I believe that the excessive quick cuts and only half-seein the obviously obscured "ghosts" took some of the spook out of what was set to be a fairly creepy effort.

Perennial wonderment:

Amy Smart:
I'm sexy but do they know it?

Why can't Amy Smart make it like Blake Lively? I remember her vaguely in early films like Varsity Blues (1999) and Road Trip (2000) but it was in The Butterfly Effect (1994) opposite Ashton Kutcher that I thought she was really gonna make it. After the two Crank movies, I don't think she has anythin substantial lined up on her CV. What a waste. I always look forward to her gettin her kit off.

Reminds me of:

Kelvin Tong's The Maid (2005) and Herman Yau's The First 7th Night (2009).

Watch out for:

Dennis Chan Kwok San 陈国新 as the cabbie Ping. Nice to see some old hands still findin work. The man has worked in the Hong Kong film and television industry as a producer, director and actor for more than 30 years, perhaps best known to Western audiences for his work in Jean-Claude Van Damme’s Kickboxer franchise. His latest appearance on the big screen was a cameo in Andy Lau's box office gem A Simple  Life (2011) @ Sister Peach.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
The two leads do their best and give us some reason to care for them but the supernatural elements grew tiresome. DVD Active's Gabriel Powers notes that the climax is so similar to The Descent (2005) that Neil Marshall should call his lawyers. For further info, visit the Seventh Moon official site, which is oddly still up today. ★★
Bonus material:

For the unitiated, this is what every Chinese production does before shootin and not just those that concern ghosts.