Byzantium (2012)

This see-through, blood-red, tight top with a text motif that reads "SUCK"
looked really good on Gemma Arterton. Need to find out where to buy one.

At a glance:

While everyone else was busy with the last Twilight instalment, I was thankfully spared that duty this time and found myself at a different kind of vampire movie - West End Films / Neil Jordan's Byzantium (2012). It premiered at TIFF 2012 and was presented by producer Nik Powell at the European Union Film Festival 2012 in Toronto which I attended. The title refers to a disused guesthouse somewhere on England's coasts, where two quibblin young women (Gemma Arterton, Saoirse Ronan), whose relation to each other is unclear, find refuge in the charity of a weak man (Daniel Mays).

Saoirse Ronan. One day I'll be able to say your name right.

Bad news on the doorstep:

There's a reason why this movie didn't warm up to distributors easily, although you can read from Mike Fleming a while ago that it did secure a seven-figure deal at TIFF from IFC, that "the deal coming together is several million dollars in minimum guarantee and marketing commitment... this film has designs on a theatrical release broadening out to several hundred screens." Less commercial than the Irish filmmaker's Brad Pitt starrer Interview With The Vampire (1994), the general consensus I gathered is that while the movie is sober as it is serious, Byzantium, with its underwhelmin poster and all, doesn't project the sort of storytellin energy or tragic vampire pedigree that anyone goin for it would expect. The back-and-forth narrative between centuries don't work as smoothly and ultimately you feel the movie doesn't really know what it is, oscillatin between offbeat, artsy supernatural thriller and intense, mainstream horror-slasher. It's a tad talky at all the wrong times, as well. There are too many distractin elements bein brought to the table. Perhaps it has to pay deference to Moira Buffini’s A Vampire Story - the theatre play from which it's adapted.

Gemma Arterton obliges paparazzi on set.

Perennial wonderment:

Glad to know that the feral, full-figured Gemma Arterton isn't about to cover up, despite havin made it big time. She gets the big studio roles like Prince Of Persia (2010) and Quantum Of Solace (2008), yet she still bares all for indies like The Disappearance Of Alice Creed (2009) and Tamara Drewe (2010). In Byzantium, you'll get plenty of her distractin busom, not to mention frequent out-of-focus shots on her nipples even. As for the mysterious Irish talent Saoirse Ronan, her lovely bones are maturin nicely.

Reminds me of:

Night At The Golden Eagle (2001) meets Let The Right One In (2008), set somewhere near Brighton Rock (2010).

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Uneven but nevertheless entertainin when goin into spurts and splatters. There's no crucifixes, garlic or fangs in this; and certainly no sparkly speed demons on piggyback either, but you will get several old-school vampire conventions. Best enjoyed without havin read the review. Ha.★★1/2
Bonus material:

Sam Riley seems to have returned to Brighton Rock in a similar guise.

Saoirse Ronan and Gemma Arterton at some TIFF 2012 party.

Toast (2010)

How do you beat the best lemon meringue pie ever baked in the world?

Ken Stott looks a bit like the
old guy from Up (2009), doesn't he?

At a glance:

Offbeat British telemovie set in the 60s, first aired on BBC One in December 2010. The narrator is Nigel Slater, an openly gay cook, food writer and TV personality whom New York Times' Stephen Holden calls "a Billy Elliot of the culinary arts". Not coincidentally, the screenplay is written by the same guy who did Billy Elliot (2000). Anyway, the proceedings are based on the memoirs first serialised in The Observer and then formin his 2004 autobiography Toast: The Story of a Boy’s Hunger. We follow Nigel (Nottinghamshire upstart Oscar Kennedy as the younger version and Charlie And The Chocolate Factory's Freddie Highmore as the older one) as he lives out his early, pathetic and eventless Wolverhampton existence with his grumpy dad (Ken Stott) and acutely asthmatic mum (Victoria Hamilton) whose idea of cookin is boilin tinned foods in a pot. Title is a reference to the only thing the mum can do without burnin down the house.

Bad news on the doorstep:

I thought gays and pies never mix.

Strong first 15 minutes, everythin meandered thereafter. Probably that's why it's a TV movie. Pronounced lack of energy to the picture, nowhere as compellin as Billy Elliot and certainly well within the weekend viewin that TV series director S.J. Clarkson is comfortable with.

In the production notes, the adaptation is explained: For Hall it was a daunting task to convert Slater’s memoir to the screen. The book had been constructed as a large collection of beautifully crafted vignettes. These were moments that Slater recalled with stunning detail, but which were ultimately episodic, collated into a large canvas upon which the audience can see the entire scenery of Slater’s young life etched out. “It was clear to me that there was a proper narrative there underneath, but the way Nigel wrote it dusted the surface,” says Hall. “So it took a long time to piece together, like a jigsaw puzzle, all the little bits that he’d dropped from the book to make a clearer screenplay.” Shouldda taken a longer time, methinks. Really wanted to enjoy this but it came across grossly uneven and self-important to me.

Helena Bonham Carter
makes her presence felt in any movie.

You do like them prickly, don't you, son?

Perennial wonderment:

How Helena Bonham Carter can inject some pizazz into any role and movie, as she does here. Her solid performance as the brash but redoubtable house cleaner Mrs Potter is one of the few high notes of the movie.

Reminds me of:

It really oughtta been Chocolat (2000) in the West Midlands but no such luck.
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Consistently but intentionally underhit throughout, this was probably magically intimate on paperback but it's hard to care for its big screen adaptation. Difficult to relate to Nigel here beyond token sentimentality. In fact, it made it all looked a bit too ordinary. Loved the Dusty Springfield score though, so we'll be kinder.★★★
Bonus material:

"Toast may have discarded some of the darker episodes from Slater's adolescence but it stayed doggedly loyal to the spirit of the book:
think Cinema Paradiso, but with pork pies instead of movies."
- This Is Leicestershire

Salmon Fishing In The Yemen (2011)

"There's just this small matter of getting water.
You know that fish kinda like water, right?"

At a glance:

You'd be forgiven for thinkin this was a documentary on aquaculture. Salmon Fishing In TheYemen (2011) is actually an oddball dramedy (with a very misleadin trailer!) adapted off a novel, the bizarre titular activity bein a proposed joint venture by the British government press secretary (Kristin Scott Thomas) to improve Anglo-Yemeni relations by offsettin violent news from the Middle East in the media. A reluctant fisheries expert (Ewan McGregor) has Asperger's but finds unlikely romance with the troubled consultant (Emily Blunt) to a rich Yemeni sheikh (Amr Waked), the "visionary" who's fundin the entire project to the tune of £50 million. The director is Lasse Hallström, whose rather romantic CV includes Hachiko (2009), Chocolat (2000) and The Cider House Rules (1999). It premiered at the 2011 Toronto International Film Festival, which is serendipitous to me because this is the first movie I've watched in a Canadian cinema since I moved here to Toronto - and also because I attempted to cook my wife the same fish for dinner prior to the show. Both fish and film were a letdown.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Emily Blunt shouldn't be too hopeful
for a sequel return in
Papaya Growing In The Arctic.

While fishin punters seem to have a litany of grouses about the tech aspects of the premise and also the fishin that is depicted in the film, a casual moviegoer can nevertheless still complain that this movie simply lost itself midway and didn't know what it wanted to be. The McGregor-Blunt romantic pairin and various backstories took themselves too seriously and destroyed the winsome quirky comedy that this should have been, somethin that only Kristin Scott Thomas's overzealous character tried correctly to achieve. The feelin at the end credits was similar to havin had watched Larry Crowne (2011).

Perennial wonderment:

There's somethin terribly romantic about the life cycle of the salmon. You know - swimmin all the way back to the place that you were born just to spawn and then to die. This was somewhat referenced in the movie, when McGregor's character starts to turn around in a crowd that was movin in one direction; and also in another shot when the first fish swims upstream. It alluded to not wantin to live a pedestrian life, somethin that McGregor's character found himself doin. Someone really ought to make a superhero movie in the vein of Kick-Ass (2010) or Super (2010) and call it Salmon Man or somethin.

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Some of the big name media were too kind to this. Should've been a much better movie.★★1/2
Trailer for the curious:

Bonus material:

Emily Blunt - Salmon Fishing in the Yemen Interview at TIFF 201

At Cineplex Odeon Sheppard Cinemas in Toronto

Dirty Pretty Things (2002)

At a glance:

Not sure if it inspired the UK band of the same name but Stephen Frears' Dirty Pretty Things (2002) has got to be one of the most enjoyable and durable entertainers that England has ever produced for the international cinema tourist, although you don't read of many wantin cult classic status for it. Steven Knight's Oscar-nominated written work is about "the people you do not see, the ones who drive your cabs, clean your rooms and suck your cocks". Welcome to a London that seriously needs some cleanin up. Welcome to kidney-for-passport programmes, abusive sweatshop owners, oily budget hotel bosses, immigration tough guys and gum-chewin prostitutes with expensive manicures.
Bad news on the doorstep:

Like a foreigner's fable, some may be put off by its decidedly colourful cast - a drunken Russian doorman (Zlatko Burić), a strugglin Nigerian taxi driver-cum-doctor (Chiwetel Ejiofor), a kind-hearted whore of Caribbean descent (Sophie Okonedo), a quirky Chinaman who works at the hospital morgue (Benedict Wong) and a timid Turkish cleaner girl played by Audrey Tautou in her first English-speakin role. The film is necessarily dark because of its morbid theme (literally even, as it's mostly shot at night) and you wouldn't like this if you were expectin some glossy thriller starrin Tautou (pic).

Perennial wonderment:

Can anyone tell me if that herb or shrub that Okwe chews to stay awake and work two shifts?

Reminds me of:

My England days, a time when I could've easily been any one of these characters.
Watch out for:
Well I won't spoil it for you but there's one scene where Okwe's expertise in diagnosin STDs just got in demand. Wait for it!

Most memorable line:

The black whore was so surprised that Senay (Tautou) was still a virgin and exclaimed "Christ!" to which the girl, being Turkish and therefore Moslem, calmly said "No, Mohammed". What a laugh!

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Four stars for a subtle crime drama with a little bit of everythin. It's like watchin the Third World in London.

Birthday Girl (2001)

At a glance:

This is a quiet but memorable British item that may have had no relevance today if not for it bein on Nicole Kidman's CV. Ben Chaplin (pic) is unassumin bank clerk John who lived a rather mundane, loveless life in St Alban before decidin to get himself a Russian mail order bride one fine day. The gorgeous Nadia (Nicole Kidman, pic) arrives only for him to discover that she doesn't speak any English. While waitin for the agency to get back to him on the matter, things turn out quite alright as they both struggle to communicate with each other in a clumsily romantic way. Nadia is extremely obedient and docile and we see how hard she tries to make John happy, especially as she indulges him in his sexual fantasies. John is very pleased with her and begins to fall for her quiet charm. Just as the plot looks headed for fairytale fluff, enter Nadia's two friends Yuri and Alexei (played by Mathieu Kassovitz and the omnipresent Vincent Cassel) to unsettle the mood. Somethin is definitely amiss and we begin to suspect that Nadia is not all as she seems.

Bad news on the doorstep:

If you don't find Nicole Kidman one of the most compellin female actresses in the world, chances are you will find this one a bit predictable and cliched. Despite a solid script, the stars do have to drive it.

Watch out for:

The giraffe jokes and some kinky Kidman scenes.

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Neat little three-star romantic thriller with generous touches of wry humour. Chaplin is convincin as the inhibited John and it's easy to sympathise with his character. Kidman's role is humanised in a realistic way without being overly sentimental. There's a beautifully strange chemistry between them and I should think the audience get coaxed into wantin their relationship to work. This is a movie that doesn't take itself too seriously, with no real profound messages to impart. The value lies in its fluid, unpretentious story-tellin and adorably lazy texture. My chief complaint about this movie would be its slightly overly-sweet closin but I take nothin away from a generally well-made film.
Trailer for the curious:

Slave (2009)

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The Disappearance Of Alice Creed (2009)

Finally we get an eyeful of Gemma's gems.

At a glance:
Bond girl and Persian princess Gemma Arterton stars as the titular kidnappee for this mildly intriguin British thriller in which only three people appear - the other two bein her balaclava bandit captors (Martin Compston and Eddie Marsan). Yes, we finally see Gemma's gems after Daniel Craig and Jake Gyllenhaal got to. The trio play out to a surprisin stand-off as we discover that the ransom won't come as easy as expected. Elements include guns, panties, handcuffs and soundproofed rooms.

"Never ever play with your food again, son."

Bad news on the doorstep:
Startin strong but finishin very weakly indeed, debutant director J. Blakeson (he wrote the 2009 sequel for The Descent) served up one twist too many and didn't keep it tight enough, with some character decisions lettin it all disintegrate into credibility tedium. Don't wanna give away any spoilers here but as the movie wears on, I got less excited.
Perennial wonderment:

Play time!

Why do I find myself drawn to movies with titles like The Haunting Of Molly Hartley (2008), The Possession Of Emma Evans (2010) etc. ?
Reminds me of:
Buried (2010) and Hard Candy (2005).
Watch out for:
A reasonably unexpected WTF love scene along the way. O my days.
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A valid but problematic effort. To see more of Arterton, she's in the upcomin Hansel And Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013) playin opposite Jeremy Renner as the fairytale siblings.★★1/2
Bonus material:

Did you know that this exquisite creature was born with extra fingers?

Attack The Block (2011)

Jodie Whittaker in a fun role.

At a glance:

While the rest of the wakin world have turned up in droves to put even more money into Spielberg and Bay pockets, might we suggest a different but equally enjoyable intergalactic battle at the cinemas this season – Attack The Block! Doin precisely what it says on the tin, Attack The Block: Gangsters vs. Aliens is Gremlins-meet-Goonies as we follow a gang of rowdy South London teens whose ordinary rowdy lives are changed overnight with an outrageous alien attack on their council flats, followin what they thought was a meteor shower on Guy Fawkes Day.
Bad news on the doorstep:

Run!!!

Well, maybe not bad news for you - but I caught this on a midnight show on account of the fledglin distributor Platinum Pictures, who ain't quite figured out how to do press previews yet. Well, I'm happy enough they took a risk with this movie. I don't remember if they made a profit off this late release.

Perennial wonderment:

Aside from the committed, largely teenage cast, the real stars of the show - impossibly black, wolf-like critters (it's“even blacker than my cousin Femi” says one of the characters) – manage to hit that editin ambiguity where the creatures appear believably menacin without expensive SFX work. How often does that happen, eh?

Reminds me of:

Kabluey (2007), Skyline (2010), The Goonies (1985) and Gremlins (1984).

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Just another day in the hood.

What really elevates this from a pet project to an impressive, well-thought debut feature from frequent Edgar Wright collaborator Joe Cornish (the duo are behind the screenplay for Spielberg’s upcoming Adventures Of Tintin: The Secret Of The Unicorn) is the prevalent humour in the movie and how the audience can find it easy to relate to the simple and identifiable characters, save maybe their difficult London accents that may alienate the untrained ear of audiences in this region (or even maybe American viewers, as evident in some reports recently about worried U.S. distributors). Nevertheless, Attack The Block: Gangsters vs. Aliens is a refreshin and welcome addition to the saturated monster movies we have come to expect from the market out there.

Lesbian Vampire Killers (2009)

Lesbian Vampire Killers: Does what it says on the tin.

At a glance:
Girls, gore and garlic. Horror-comedy hardly comes more enjoyable (and forgettable) than the aptly-titled Lesbian Vampire Killers, which does what it says on the tin over and over again for almost 90 hollow minutes with no attempt at any sort of lastin cinematic memory, unless you count the intended DVD release (which will no doubt be an item of guilty indulgence). A holiday weekend in Wales for British TV's Gavin and Stacey James Corden and Matthew Horne turns into a bloodsuckin bonanza of Sapphic sirens, the order of the day in a remote village where every young girl turns into a vampire on their 18th birthday. Jimmy (Horne) is here because he's tryin hard to get over his impossibly difficult girlfriend Judy (Lucy Gaskell) and Fletch (Corden) tags along because he's just been fired as a promo clown. It ain't long before they magically meet four hotass visitin foreign students - Heidi, Trudi (Scotland's Mulheron sisters Tiffany and Ashley), Lotte (MyAnna Buring, pic, left, The Descent) and Anke (Louise Dylan). Throw in a vampire-killin vicar (Paul McGann, Withnail And I) and Queen Vampire Carmilla (beautiful Silvia Colloca, pic, right) and you get an adventure fit for slackers, pervos and mind-numbed teens who'd pay good money to sit through any poor excuse of a plot just to see what these characters will do to one another.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Completely forgettable, like I said.
Reminds me of:
Wong Jing's The Vampire Who Admires Me. Same formula. Yum yum.
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Stylised B-grade feature with great special effects deservin of a more important movie. Most critics reviewed this negatively as a missed opportunity, considerin its promisin title and cross-genre appeal. It has one or two laugh-out-loud moments of crude humour but mostly it's a passin popcorn movie. More tits could've saved it, really.★★1/2 
Bonus material:

Happier times.

Clubbed (2008)

"Stick it up your ma."

At a glance:
Autobiopic vehicle for Geoff Thompson, the Coventry hard man who went from club doorman to writer, martial arts teacher, motivator, talk giver and DVD seller. Pretty impressive marketin campaign for such a modest project. Movie is based on his book Watch My Back.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Loved the 80s settin but nahh this is one movie that's really into itself. Danny (Crispin Clover lookalike Mel Raido) makes me laugh out loud when he gets into the whole I-must-read-Sun Tzu phase. To be a Midlands doorman in those days must be tough but this movie is more like family drama with lots of inelegant digressions, includin Rambo trainin moments.
Perennial wonderment:

Geoff Thompson

Party... like it's 1980.

Why Northerners never make good gangster flicks. Alright, this one ain't a gangster flick per se but the embarrassin aspirations for larger-than-life realism or profundity is showin... and shockin.
Reminds me of:
Some pathetic West Yorkshiremen I used to know. Always short on fuse, money and action.
Watch out for:
Danny havin a go at some inbred fat fucks with a brick in front of his kids - topless, shoutin and swearin. Raw. Speakin of raw, the FX on a beat up rasta's face is pretty awesome. The whole socket area was swollen and the eye looked as slim as a cunt slit.
Most memorable line:
Fukkin Zorro. Ha.
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You could do a lot worse. For a bit of variety, I guess.★★ 1/2
Bonus material:

Michelle Marsh plays Skank's girlfriend, Babs.
This photo is apparently from an event in Leicester Square, U.K.

It's A Free World... (2007)

At a glance:
Introducin spunky Kierston Wareing (pic) as the sexy anti-soccermom with a bad dye-job and a moral dilemma on being Britain's equivalent of a mid-tier snakehead, master director Ken Loach continues his illustrious catalogue of socialist films with It's A Free World..., the title itself already mockin globalisation, commercialism and the ugly shortcomings of the free market.

Kierston Wareing

Bad news on the doorstep:
Even as England grows increasingly unhappy with the Polish influx of illegal workers (sometimes legal) or any other alien Turk, Algerian or Lithuanian for that matter; she scarcely needs the oft-called defector director to produce yet another critical piece of film literature about her problems. However, as even his toughest critics may attest, he does bring a great deal to the table in terms of purposeful and solid didactic filmmakin.
Reminds me of:
The door factory I once worked at.
Most memorable line:
As the woman is asked "Is your son better than mine?" by vengeful and desperate workers who are wronged by the system (or at least, her system), audiences should find that Ken Loach has not lost his basic edge in invitin self-question. Social realist cinema still needs Loach, as he pulls off yet another anti-climax, forcin us to understand that his movies never end cinematically because real life doesn't follow cinema logic.
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Doesn't pack as much cinematic punch as say, The Wind That Shakes The Barley (2006) or his celebrated masterpiece Kes (1969), which this writer concedes admirin unapologetically. It's decidedly less poignant, perhaps due to the rougher and less romantic nature of today's socio-economic problems compared to those days. For an old man however, he sure does know how to keep up with the times. ★★★

Brighton Rock (1947)

At a glance:
Richard Attenborough plays Pinkie Brown (pic), bad ass sociopath Brit gangster from Graham Greene's 1937 novel. The gangster character is particularly memorable because he was Catholic and he doesn't smoke nor drink - but he's one psycho mofo you wouldn't want to mess with. Title is a reference to the sugar stick candy they commonly sell at seaside towns in Britain, methinks.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Fuckin lost the Sunday Times free DVD to fuckin airport customs. I'm gonna fuckin get you Rasid bin Ahmad. I'm gonna put a smile to that face.
Reminds me of:
Scarborough with a Bruneian beauty, a friend of mine. The seaside backdrop in this film is ace.
Watch out for:
A remake, reported in the works last year by Variety. Wonder if it'll happen.
Most memorable line:
“You wanted a recording of my voice, well here it is. What you want me to say is, ‘I love you’. Well I don’t. I hate you, you little slut.”
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Young Attenborough's turn as twisted Pinkie is rated in many Best Screen Villain lists that I've read. It's quite an engrossin flick at any rate. ★★★★

Richard Attenborough and Carol Marsh in Brighton Rock (1947).