Online (2013)

Morgan Ayres & Esseri Holmes are cheating spouses in Online (2013).

At a glance:

Would you cheat on a wife as hot as Kelsey Sanders?

Temptation is just one click away, so reads the tagline for the unimaginatively titled and non-SEO-friendly Online (2013) -- brought to you by the producer of What Would Jesus Do? (2010) through the distributor Slingshot Pictures, who only do faith-based titles and whose goal is to "acquire films that have strong family values, messages of hope and are life affirming as well as spiritually enriching." Consider it due notice then, that you're readin a review on a Christian-themed feature film about temptation and infidelity on a movie blog with as many sex ads as mine. Anyway, it does look like a determined bunch of middle-class Republicans got together and shot this peculiar flick, leadin to a final product that I'll concede as technically accomplished and deservin of a place on any DVD shelf -- even if the content is terribly and laughably guilty at preachin to the choir. It starts with a pointless openin credit sequence in an Italian restaurant kitchen (what does pizza-makin achieve in mise-en-scène?), after which we're introduced to our slightly giddy leadin man John (Morgan Ayres), a happily married, newly promoted, all-round clean cut, son of a preacher man. Late one night, our upright Christian crusader turns online outlaw when he decides to join a social networkin site that reconnects him with his high school flame, Adrianna (Esseri Holmes). All it takes is one extramarital kiss and bam! Little Johnny starts shakin like a leaf, worryin about his neglected wife (Kelsey Sanders), his new job, his towerin father, the risen God -- you know, all that stuff.

Bad news on the doorstep:

The Interweb - where many a virtual sin is committed !

Sold!

Secular sentiments aside, this movie really tests you with some ludicrous events and character decisions -- and I'm not referrin to people breakin into prayer. The crux of the story is the Ninth Commandment and how it's a sin to lust for another, even in your heart. On the strength of the movie title, it had the golden chance to discuss relationships in the age of technology and social networkin, which is why I endured it. However, confined to operate within its narrow, self-defined framework, we see no sex, no lust and no real reflection on anyone's part, unless you think the match cuts where our estranged couple eats separately count. Nobody even swears in this movie, not that it's a definitive measure of realism. All the characters are unlikeable, weak, two-dimensional and grossly unreal. An easy example is how the wife played by Kelsey Sanders is hotter, sexier and much more temptin than the supposed temptress played by Esseri Holmes.

Perennial wonderment:

Looking for a bit on the side...
from a pastor's son?

Which church or congregation produced this I wonder? I think the director, filmmaker Kevan Otto is an ex-cop or somethin. It's not a cheap production, you know. Although mostly indoors with some slipshod camerawork and editin, they had some pretty elaborate sequences. Anyway, can someone explain to me why all the promo keyart and visuals do not feature billings for the three main casts? I can't even see their names in the small print. Is it because they're not part of the Christian scene that's behind a project like this one?

Thanks for the comedy, Mr Herlong!

Reminds me of:
The time the old lady in Orgazmo (1997) said: "You heard me. Take that book of Mormons and shove it so far up your righteous asses that you choke, you soul-soliciting pig-fuckers." Okay, well it doesn't exactly remind me of that but I do think of that scene fondly whenever I feel people come on too strong.

I can't remember if I cried:

Byron Herlong had better not quit his day job as a computer guy because his actin is outrageously hammy. He played a French character in this movie as if he went all out to make the world hate everythin and anythin French.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

"Whoa... You mean you only cheated... IN YOUR HEART?!?!"

I quite like how the end credits rolled but your capacity to enjoy or rather, to finish this movie, would pivot on your tolerance of unapologetically didactic Christian content. If you can't even get past the first of many scenes in which a Bible verse gets quoted, then just fast forward to find out the endin. However, in doin so, you'll miss out on the bit where they manage to take a swipe at psychics. Haha. Check out its Facebook fan page for more info.★1/2
Bonus material:

"O Lord! Show me the way to a better casting agent!"

Sexy Evil Genius (2013)

Looking to jack off to Katee Sackhoff? Sexy Evil Genius ain't the movie for it.

At a glance:

Shawn Piller's lo-fi black comedy Sexy Evil Genius (2013) was reportedly completed some two years ago and only found VOD and DVD release through Lionsgate Home Entertainment last week, so do align your expectations accordingly. It does boast an interestin lineup of now lesser seen stars though, in Michelle Trachtenberg, Harold Perrineau, William Baldwin and Seth Green. The movie is almost all-indoor and most of the proceedings happen in a downtown L.A. bar where a group of strangers meet, on account of their mutual friend Nikki Franklyn (Katee Sackhoff in the titular role), an unconventionally attractive woman who'd recently done time for murderin her last ex. We get some flashbacks from different characters every now and then, as the night progresses into a full-blown cat-and-mouse mindfuck.

Bad news on the doorstep:

You'd think a movie with these two would set your pants on fire.

Scott Lew's dialogue-driven script can sometimes surprise us with several sharp turns, even makin references to great classics like Double Indemnity (1944), but the guessin game grows tiresome and the material simply couldn't spark much excitement. Despite sufficiently watchable chemistry between the table guests, we aren't allowed much room to invest in them, as all things have to defer to Katee Sackhoff's central character but she doesn't seem to give much energy to the narrative, though this is through no fault of just her own, especially if you read this Collider interview about how bloody hard she worked for the role. You'd think she'd be perfect for this crazed femme fatale role but somethin is amiss with the direction and we're left feelin indifferent about the payoff even before it comes. Perhaps they could've put in stronger sex scenes to perk things up a little, since it's already rated R?

Perennial wonderment:

Although he's got a quite a substantial body of work in various capacities, Seth Green will always be remembered as that wigga with the goggles who screwed the awkward girl in Can't Hardly Wait (1998), won't he? I liked him as the Amish guy in Sex Drive (2008) too but that wigga role will never be topped, I believe.

Reminds me of:

The Perfect Host (2010) with David Hyde Pierce but that was nowhere near borin, which is what many would feel about this little release.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Not particularly sexy, evil or genius, by most accounts. The DVD has quite a lot of cool extras though, but I wouldn't pay for it if I were you. Go show some love on its official Facebook fan page though.★★
Bonus material:

Goofing around on set.

Feast Of Love (2007)

Feast of lesbian love: Selma Blair and Stana Katic in a doomed affair.

At a glance:

Radha Mitchell bares all. Never again, apparently.

This was one of the earliest movies on a Malaysian screen that I watched and reviewed for my old work place and I still remember what a letdown it was. As appetisin as it sounded, the titular meal in Feast Of Love (2007) was reduced within the hour from what must be a 5-course luncheon in the 2000 Charles Baxter book of the same name, to a quick set lunch; and further cheapened into a McDonald’s Value Meal by the credit roll. Inasmuch as romance is concerned, the failure of Feast is even more surprisin when considerin that it was after all, an R-rated movie with plenty of nudity (though snipped) and top stars who never fail to engage an audience. In a Oregon tale of intertwinin love stories, Morgan Freeman goes on another one of his "wise man" narratives, this time as a love counsellor for confused hearts – the highlights bein Greg Kinnear (Auto Focus, 2002) as a failure of a lover; and Alexa Davalos (The Mist, 2007) as a gypsy-like, pseudo-Bohemian in her doomed lesbo romance with a recoverin junkie; while also frontin his own veteran struggle against the fadin of feelings for his wife (Jane Alexander) as an agein couple who had lost their son.

Bad news on the doorstep:

It's not that these relationships aren't interestin, for they are. Rather, it offers neither real solutions nor ideological perspectives that we haven’t seen before. Greg Kinnear’s loser character finds himself cheated on repeatedly, with no plausible reason as to why he is compensated when he eventually is. Alexa Davalos’ drifter character discovers the need-is-love love-is-need maxim, with no plausible reason as to why she ignores it. The worst is when Radha Mitchell’s promiscuous siren role is paraded with such glory (along with an overdose of skin) without offerin any real meanin or depth to her contribution. The characters in Feast Of Love are annoyingly moral-neutral, invitin dislike even before scepticism.This must go down as an ugly blemish in director Robert Benton's CV, which includes classics such as Superman (1978) and Bonnie And Clyde (1967).

Perennial wonderment:

How does Ebert do it? He astutely points out that director Robert Benton has made better movies about doomed marriages (Kramer vs. Kramer, 1979) but this one has no organic reality because it depends on three artifices: (1) the clockwork success and failure of relationships, (2) the need for Morgan Freeman as a witness, (3) the lickety-split time span that compresses the action so much it loses emotional weight.

I can't remember if I cried:

Erika Marozsán's Hollywood debut. Poor girl.

Extremely heartbreakin that Hungarian beauty Erika Marozsán (pic) waited almost 10 years since Gloomy Sunday (1999) only to star in such a mediocre film for a Hollywood first – and grossly under-utilised at that.

Most memorable line:
"There is a story about the Greek gods. They were bored, so they invented human beings, but they were still bored, so they invented love. Then they weren't bored any longer, so they decided to try love for themselves. And finally they invented laughter, so they could stand it."
Watch out for:

Radha Mitchell's nude scenes keep this movie relevant on DVD shelves today.

Radha Mitchell's sex scenes. She's reportedly fully nude for the first time - though I distinctly remember seein her with Ally Sheedy in some risque behaviour back in High Art (1998). Also, it was reported that she'd never want to do it again after this movie. Savour it while you can, boys.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi? 
Pardonin the cuts (that might have changed this into a four star movie, maybe), it's still puzzlin to see Morgan Freeman sweat so much over so little. Everybody makes their lives more important than they are; and so does the movie. Light-hearted films like Love, Actually (2003) had the humour at least but Feast Of Love is slow with nowhere to go, makin us wonder even harder about the sex that we missed. On a Malaysian screen, this turned out to be no feast at all. A silly snack, more like. The sort of love we get here is like GSC's caramel popcorn – easy to digest and just as easy to forget.★★
Bonus material:

Where can I buy the matching black underwear Radha Mitchell wore in this movie?
The bra and panties set was more memorable than the movie!

Chloe (2010)

"What kind of pressure, for how long, when to stop. I can become your first kiss... or a torn out image from a Playboy magazine that you found when you were 9 years old."

At a glance:
A revisit of French erotic thriller Nathalie...(2003) with European cinema greats Emmanuelle Beart as the irresistible whore while Fanny Ardant and Gerard Depardieu play the embattled married couple, Chloe (2010) is a low-intensity Hollywood addition that will benefit from its array of A-listers and the intrigue of its decorated director Atom Egoyan (who has been shooting dark dramas since Sweet Hereafter in 1997) but ultimately falters because it cannot replicate the controlled explosiveness and the European sophistication in the original, leadin us to question its character arcs. Just like the Anne Fontaine source flick, we have a woman (Julianne Moore) who suspects her husband (Liam Neeson) of cheating, so she hires a mysterious escort (Amanda Seyfried in the titular role) to seduce him and report on her findings. It’s a twist-based plot, so we’ll spare you of further details but its safe to disclose that it’s a sexual deceit thing, the stuff that erotic thrillers are made of.

"Some men hate to hear certain terms. They can't stand specific moves and then they can't live without others. It's part of my job to know where to place my hand, my lips, my tongue, my leg and even my thoughts."

Liam Neeson taken.

Bad news on the doorstep:

A cinematic letdown despite the cast actually havin done their earnest best. We know Julianne Moore does “angry but fragile woman” effortlessly well. We know they wrote Liam Neeson out of some scenes when he left the set to attend to his dyin wife during the shoot but he returned in time despite the odds. We know that Amanda Seyfried does have the charisma to pull off an antagonist who needs to command great screen presence. However, this screenplay by Erin Cressida Wilson (Secretary 2002, Fur: An Imaginary Portrait Of Diane Arbus 2006) lacks the power and the polish to engage, leavin audiences little to look forward to, other than a particularly frontal encounter between the two lead women.

Perennial wonderment:

"I guess I've always been pretty good with words.
In my line of business. It's as important to be able to
describe what I'm doing as it is to do what I'm doing.
When to say what. What words to select."

Isn't Julianne Moore more desirable than Amanda Seyfried? She even made incest look hot in Savage Grace (2007). Gets my vote.

Reminds me of:

Derailed (2005) and of course The Hand That Rocks The Cradle (1992).

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Look away now if you don’t want to read a spoiler - Anne Fontaine (writer and director of the 2003 original) reportedly said she was interested in this take because Ardant and Beart objected to Fontaine's original intention for a lesbian relationship to develop between their characters. Well folks, Julianne Moore and Amanda Seyfried sure obliged! Anyway, let Chloe be a good movie to get you started on finding out more about the French original.★★★

Bonus material:

Tipping the velvet...

The Other Man (2008)

"Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?"

At a glance:

Confusin and superfluous British-American project, starrin an embarrassment of stars and directed by Richard Eyre, the fella who did Notes On A Scandal (2006) and Iris (2001). It appears to be marketed as a drama about a man (Liam Neeson) who discovers that his wife (Laura Linney) has cheated on him with some Latin lover (Antonio Banderas) and proceeds to track him down despite desperate pleas from his daughter (Romola Garai) not to. Where o where did it all go wrong?

Bad news on the doorstep:

Firstly, this is a story that was simply too flimsy and unspectacular for a feature film, especially with such a decorated cast. Then there's the twist, which may or may not have been intended as a twist because the giveaway is all over its marketin literature e.g. DVD covers. The uneven direction and the jumpy, abrupt scenes lead us to believe that old Eyre here didn't really know what he wanted to achieve. It may have just suffered from an unrefined script that was intended to tell a much better story. Half-way through, you'd wish this would just turn into Taken 2 and Liam Neeson would just start kickin everybody's ass to spare us the tedium.

Perennial wonderment:

Liam Neeson has a long history of bein a troubled married man in his movies, eh. He was supposed to be a cheatin husband in Chloe (2009) and then a husband whose wife suddenly denies even knowin him in Unknown (2011). In Clash Of The Titans (2010) he played the naughty Zeus who fornicated with humans and most recently in The Grey (2012) his wife either died on him or left him. Sadly though, in real life, his wife Natasha Richardson was killed in a skiin accident in March 2009.

Reminds me of:

Anne Fontaine's Nathalie... (2003) starrin Emmanuelle Béart but that was a good film.
Most memorable line:
"I can't decide which is worse - to find out that you're different with another man or that you're the same!"

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Wasted all these actors. Give it a miss. ★★
Trailer for the curious:

Bonus material:
Here's a sequence from the movie that chronicles the sort of experience I believe every man should go through at some point in their lives - to discover on the Internet that one's lover is a big cheat.

"Let's see... what's could the damned password be?"

*Gasp* OMG! *Gasp*

"Oh no..."

"Tidakkkkk..."

"O cintaku... sanggup kau menduakan aku..."

"I'm gonna kill this bastard and eat his heart for dinner."

Latin Lovers: Wrecking Homes Since 1489

P/S I don't think that's really Laura Linney in the nude but that wouldda been nice, wouldn't it?