Womb (2010)

What if your mum is literally, technically and unapologetically - a milf?

At a glance:
As the youngest actor ever to play the doctor on British TV's Doctor Who, the slightly unnatural-lookin Matt Smith finds himself suitably and disturbingly cast as Thomas, a genetic clone who is borne by a mother of whom was also his lover!

Say whattt? Let's do this again.

A woman (enigmatic dark Euro beauty Eva Green from The Dreamers in 2003 that you might remember chattin up Daniel Craig in Casino Royale) loses her boyfriend and in anguish decides to give birth to her dead beloved via clonin technology. Talk about a horror movie for couples!
Bad news on the doorstep:
You'll never believe the paragraph you're about to read if you've seen the trailer but without givin too much away, Womb is probably more accessible than what you thought it was, if you were thinkin it were some mental masturbatory arthouse fare. Despite comin from a Hungarian filmmaker whose body of work seems largely despondent and experimental, Benedek Fliegauf's Womb is a thematically strong love story that discusses the ethics of clonin with frightenin coherence and stylish quaintness. In fact, it's so very stylish that you don't even need to get any of it to enjoy the movie. But will you believe me?

Perennial wonderment:
Eva Green (pic) is achingly gorgeous, isn't she? Her unconventional good looks are useful for this movie, considerin the aesthetical difficulties that accompany the movie's logic and progression. 
Reminds me of:
Cold, cold English days. Cold, cold English nights.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Those lookin for substance beyond the picturesque German island where this was shot will find Womb a technically accomplished and highly rewardin watch that is rich in cold nuance. This isn't a comedy like Creator (1985) where Peter O'Toole was tryin to clone his dead wife but if you enjoyed the quiet dystopia in movies like Mark Romanek's recent Never Let Me Go, then there's a good chance you'll love this horror movie from a biosexual filmmaker. In many ways, it's devastatingly romantic.★★★★★

Sleeping Beauty (2011)

At a glance:

Remember that very watchable little girl in Lemony Snicket's A Series Of Unfortunate Events (2004)? Well Emily Browning (pic) grew up and became the pale beauty that is Babydoll in Sucker Punch (2011). Now she appears as the titular muse in Sleeping Beauty (2011), a polished but very confusin WTF debut from Aussie writer-director Julia Leigh, though it seems to be fiercely endorsed by The Piano (1993) veteran Jane Campion who calls it everythin from sensuous, complex and unafraid to a fascinating piece of contemporary existential cinema. The story is about uni student Lucy, who looks like she's twelve but spends half the film in her glorious, pinkest bits in full view despite workin five jobs, gettin sucked into a perverse world of dirty old men entertainment under the pretext of waitressin e.g. havin to match her lipstick colour to her labia. I know. WTF, right?

Bad news on the doorstep:

Yes, WTF must indeed be the commonest acronym to exclaim just a third into the film, wherever you may be watchin it. There's a lot of fairytale references planted about but seriously, it's a rather tiresome piece of static craphouse cinema if you asked me.

Perennial wonderment:

Does Emily Browning herself understand what the film is all about or is it all a load of bollocks printed on the production notes? Apparently she was made to study Charlotte Gainsbourg's performance in Lars von Trier's Antichrist (2009) for this performance, so I'm even more convinced that it's farthouse fare just like that one.

Reminds me of:

Gradiva (2006) and Eyes Wide Shut (1999).

My hands were clenched in fists of rage:

When the end credits rolled and I realised I really should've resisted lookin this up after a Disney employee I know rubbished it on Facebook. The visuals are too strong and I gave in.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

★ for high production values. Wannabe European schmaltz at its finest. Might I suggest you watch Tokyo Decadence (1992) instead, for a movie that has somethin to say.
Trailer for the curious:

Diary Of A Sex Addict (2008) @ Diario De Una Ninfómana

At a glance:

Belén Fabra

Adapted from a sexy Euro chicklit book, Diario De Una Ninfómana (2008) is a 95-min story about a French lass who was fuckin any hard cock in Spain before fuckin an Italian/French cock who was to be her future boss. Havin been dumped too many times by too many fuck buddies, she falls in love and marries the cunt while he in turn abuses her to the brink of suicide. She responds by joinin a brothel. Is this a joke movie or what?
Bad news on the doorstep:
All the wrong ways of doin erotica is exhibited in this well-shot but totally misconceived piece. Contrived, self-important borgeouis bullshit. The 'redemption' music at the end is hilarious. This bit about a wheelchair-bound whoremonger is ridiculous and forced. Titless Belén Fabra (pic) who plays the nympho protagonist ain't even that hot to begin with.
Perennial wonderment:
How shitass films like these get greenlighted.
Reminds me of:

I give, you take.

Reckless cockass crapass bitchass nympho bitches I know who never admit they like sex as much as they do. Ironically, the stupidity of the main character's monologues help compound this fact, leadin me to the conclusion that girls genuinely really don't have the foggiest about how stupid they sound when they come up with these lines about how sex isn't everythin. Balls.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Mediocre ★★ for the effort. Wanna watch a really genuine and decent movie about sex addiction? Try I Am A Sex Addict (2005) instead.

Bonus material:

Women who only have themselves to blame.