Milf (2010)

Wild things: Jack Cullison samples Amy Lindsay's MILF mounds.

At a glance:

Welcome to the motherload and the world of overripe melons, brought to you by the director of Sharkalanche (2013), Scott Wheeler, and the mockbuster producers behind Sharknado (2013), The Asylum. After failing romantically with girls their own age, a group of nerdy male college students discover the excitement of hookin up with sexy older women, often referred to as MILFs. Lifelong best friends Brandon (Jack Cullison) and Anthony (Philip Marlatt) as well as their geek/gamer friends Nate (Joseph Booton) and Ross (Ramon Camacho) succeed beyond their wildest dreams as they boink mature lady after mature lady. However, when Brandon gets slightly too attached to Anthony’s sexually active mother (Amy Lindsay), their whole scheme begins to fall apart.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Amy Lindsay and Molinee Green in Milf (2010).

Peppered with boob shots throughout all 88 minutes, the proceedings are more banal than the last overmilked American Pie addition, the unbearable American Reunion (2012). In fact, there's one scene that does seems inspired from the popular degenerate series and it's probably the highlight of this otherwise pedestrian effort. Simply not enough entertainment value here to make you stick to the screen, so your best bet is to leave this on the telly while other things happen in the room.

After school homework.

Perennial wonderment:

Is it true that the Korean-American actor John Cho made popular the word MILF through the American Pie movies? So before the 1999 release of the first flick, the Moro Islamic Liberation Front must've been a badass Muslim rebel group that couldn't sell any t-shirts.

Reminds me of:

Cougars Inc. (2011) and Cougar Hunting (2011). Yes, I watched them. I must hate myself. However, what I hate more than myself is the annoyin English bloke in this movie who seems to be modelled after Seann William Scott's Stifler in the American Pie movies, with none of the watchable charm.

"Hey Johnny, I'm doing something you did when you were just a baby!"

I can't remember if I cried:

The co-ed love interest (Jamie Bernadette) looks older than all the MILFs. How does that work?

Most memorable line:

"What? We're in college now. I'm now officially one year older than she was when she birthed you." and "Hey man, if anybody was gonna be sleepin' with my mum, I'm glad it was you." That's the level of writin you can in sex comedies of this generation, I reckon.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

"Hurrah! We finished watching the movie!"

The MILFs aren't even stunners. Jog on, fellas. Go watch Revenge Of The Nerds (1984) instead.★
Bonus material:
Here are some tits, so you can skip the movie.

Porn star Molinee Green drops her towel.

American Maniacs (2010)

Ashlynn Yennie: From human centipede to meth-head stripper.

Curtis Smith as retard Archie Crider,
the worst performance in the movie.

At a glance:

American Maniacs (originally titled Fetch) is described by the producers as a Kansas-set horror flick involvin sadistic ex-cons, corrupt cops, meth-addicted strippers and psychotic killers who keep flesh-eatin dogs. Please don't bother with the synopsis you may find on sites like IMDb because they're all misleadin marketin speak that makes the movie out to be a thriller of a horror. It has no such urgency! Anyway, when I read that it's written by Trent Haaga (Deadgirl) and stars Ashlynn Yennie (the most disadvantageous midsection of The Human Centipede) as a meth-head stripper teasingly named Starlene Arbuckle, I was kinda hopin it'll at least serve up some trashy R-rated fun.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Shawn G. Smith as Punch.
Should've developed this villain.

Lousy screenplay, lousier script. No reward, no tension, no real reason to follow these characters at all, never mind their actin. Although the story is for the most part coherent, there are severely distractin flaws at every turn.

Perennial wonderment:

Can't understand why Trent Haaga movies like Deadgirl (2008),  Jessicka Rabid (2010), Someone's Knocking At The Door (2009) and Chop (2011) never feature a sympathetic character we can at least identify with, if not root for. To forgo one, you'd really have to make up for it with somethin wildly original.

I can't remember if I cried:

"Suck or I'll shoot!"

When I read the rant of a disgruntled extra on IMDb. Apparently, he drove a great distance to volunteer to stand in the snow until midnight but got told that the hot food is only for paid actors only. How petty can you get!

Watch out for:

John Redmond plays Sheriff Marcus Lewis, a dirty old man who likes to get sucked off by whores while his wheelchair-bound wife watches and gives pointers. For better or worse, this character also provides the sickest and only memorable moment of the film. It's a bizarre, life-endin act of sexual perversion that I can't wait to be repeated in a more competent movie.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Fetch was changed to the much more marketable American Maniac.

Awful timewaster but do give a listen to New Life by Gemma Ray. It plays at the end of the movie and turned out to be the only thing I'm takin away from this messy movie.★1/2
Bonus material:

Slim siren Ashlynn Yennie rocking the barely legal, titless look.

So much effort.

The Afflicted (2010)

J.D Hart as Cowboy Profit, a fraudulent evangelical who loves fake boobies.

At a glance:

Probably as ugly as this movie:
The real Theresa Knorr.

So I guess Afflicted Picturehouse was a one-time company set up just to make this time-waster? The Afflicted (2010) a.k.a. Another American Crime is written and directed by Jason Stoddard based on the true story of Theresa Jimmie Knorr, a deranged Californian woman now in prison where she will be eligible for parole in 2027. A committed Leslie Easterbrook (the Police Academy movies, The Devils Rejects) is a first-time producer and also stars as Mother Maggie, an drunken piece of white trash dumped by her husband (Kane "Jason Voorhees" Hodder in a brief role) and takes to abusin her daughters while bein consumed by evangelical perversions.

Bad news on the doorstep:

What an irredeemable bore. Bizarre character decisions, ham-fisted performances and repeated, derivative elements throughout. Gimme a break! You hold out in hopes of the infinitesimal payoff at the end of this harrowin viewin experience.

Perennial wonderment:

"Can you feel the fire the Lord has gone and put in my loins, Father?"

Leslie Easterbrook's mad matriarch role lacks innovation but at least it gave me a reason to look up the real perp. Funny how they had such a rich source to draw from and all they could come up with is this pedestrian effort.

Reminds me of:

The Girl Next Door (2007) but that was superior.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Visit its official website for more info. It's still up so I believe they're still shoppin! ★1/2
Bonus material:

Taipei Exchanges (2010) @ 第36個故事

A junkyard cafe. That's Taipei Exchanges for ya.

At a glance:

Here's one of those dreamy Taiwanese movies I saw in Singapore a couple of years ago. Reportedly backed by the Taipei's tourism authorities, TV ad director Hsiao Ya Chuan's Taipei Exchanges a.k.a. 第36個故事 is a PG-rated fairy-tale approach to the troubled region's political projections on capitalism. If Au Revoir Taipei is exotic, then Taipei Exchanges is definitely quaint. In a movie where almost all if not most of the action (or rather inaction) unfolds in a cafe just like Kamome Diner (2006), we follow Doris (Kwai Lun Mei, Secret, 2007), an office girl who quits her job to start a cafe but finds the place turnin into a junkyard business due to elaborate exchange-only arrangements that serendipitously happen. Her slacker of a sister Josie (Lin Zai Zai) plays no small part in this barter bizarro, which somehow turns the place into a buzzin pitstop of peculiar camaraderie. There's also some romantic subplots mixed into the theme, like a man (Chang Han) who wants to trade bars of soap.

Bad news on the doorstep:

What the fuck are we gonna do with this place?

The gastronomic appeal of Taipei Exchanges starts wearing thin somewhere midway and the sisters' laments turn tiresome quickly, although they may not be trivial. The crux of the story is the interplay between the sisters (maybe even their disapprovin mother) and their conflictin values but this projection is far too weak and too cute to capture an audience that demands deeper drama.

Reminds me of:

Small cafes like Wondermilk in Uptown Damansara.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

It's a pretty picture alright - but the dreamy approach might just have been a tad too detached and loses us at the end. A recommended watch only for viewers who enjoyed Look For A Star (2009) more than A Place Of One's Own (2009).

Chloe (2010)

"What kind of pressure, for how long, when to stop. I can become your first kiss... or a torn out image from a Playboy magazine that you found when you were 9 years old."

At a glance:
A revisit of French erotic thriller Nathalie...(2003) with European cinema greats Emmanuelle Beart as the irresistible whore while Fanny Ardant and Gerard Depardieu play the embattled married couple, Chloe (2010) is a low-intensity Hollywood addition that will benefit from its array of A-listers and the intrigue of its decorated director Atom Egoyan (who has been shooting dark dramas since Sweet Hereafter in 1997) but ultimately falters because it cannot replicate the controlled explosiveness and the European sophistication in the original, leadin us to question its character arcs. Just like the Anne Fontaine source flick, we have a woman (Julianne Moore) who suspects her husband (Liam Neeson) of cheating, so she hires a mysterious escort (Amanda Seyfried in the titular role) to seduce him and report on her findings. It’s a twist-based plot, so we’ll spare you of further details but its safe to disclose that it’s a sexual deceit thing, the stuff that erotic thrillers are made of.

"Some men hate to hear certain terms. They can't stand specific moves and then they can't live without others. It's part of my job to know where to place my hand, my lips, my tongue, my leg and even my thoughts."

Liam Neeson taken.

Bad news on the doorstep:

A cinematic letdown despite the cast actually havin done their earnest best. We know Julianne Moore does “angry but fragile woman” effortlessly well. We know they wrote Liam Neeson out of some scenes when he left the set to attend to his dyin wife during the shoot but he returned in time despite the odds. We know that Amanda Seyfried does have the charisma to pull off an antagonist who needs to command great screen presence. However, this screenplay by Erin Cressida Wilson (Secretary 2002, Fur: An Imaginary Portrait Of Diane Arbus 2006) lacks the power and the polish to engage, leavin audiences little to look forward to, other than a particularly frontal encounter between the two lead women.

Perennial wonderment:

"I guess I've always been pretty good with words.
In my line of business. It's as important to be able to
describe what I'm doing as it is to do what I'm doing.
When to say what. What words to select."

Isn't Julianne Moore more desirable than Amanda Seyfried? She even made incest look hot in Savage Grace (2007). Gets my vote.

Reminds me of:

Derailed (2005) and of course The Hand That Rocks The Cradle (1992).

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Look away now if you don’t want to read a spoiler - Anne Fontaine (writer and director of the 2003 original) reportedly said she was interested in this take because Ardant and Beart objected to Fontaine's original intention for a lesbian relationship to develop between their characters. Well folks, Julianne Moore and Amanda Seyfried sure obliged! Anyway, let Chloe be a good movie to get you started on finding out more about the French original.★★★

Bonus material:

Tipping the velvet...

Toast (2010)

How do you beat the best lemon meringue pie ever baked in the world?

Ken Stott looks a bit like the
old guy from Up (2009), doesn't he?

At a glance:

Offbeat British telemovie set in the 60s, first aired on BBC One in December 2010. The narrator is Nigel Slater, an openly gay cook, food writer and TV personality whom New York Times' Stephen Holden calls "a Billy Elliot of the culinary arts". Not coincidentally, the screenplay is written by the same guy who did Billy Elliot (2000). Anyway, the proceedings are based on the memoirs first serialised in The Observer and then formin his 2004 autobiography Toast: The Story of a Boy’s Hunger. We follow Nigel (Nottinghamshire upstart Oscar Kennedy as the younger version and Charlie And The Chocolate Factory's Freddie Highmore as the older one) as he lives out his early, pathetic and eventless Wolverhampton existence with his grumpy dad (Ken Stott) and acutely asthmatic mum (Victoria Hamilton) whose idea of cookin is boilin tinned foods in a pot. Title is a reference to the only thing the mum can do without burnin down the house.

Bad news on the doorstep:

I thought gays and pies never mix.

Strong first 15 minutes, everythin meandered thereafter. Probably that's why it's a TV movie. Pronounced lack of energy to the picture, nowhere as compellin as Billy Elliot and certainly well within the weekend viewin that TV series director S.J. Clarkson is comfortable with.

In the production notes, the adaptation is explained: For Hall it was a daunting task to convert Slater’s memoir to the screen. The book had been constructed as a large collection of beautifully crafted vignettes. These were moments that Slater recalled with stunning detail, but which were ultimately episodic, collated into a large canvas upon which the audience can see the entire scenery of Slater’s young life etched out. “It was clear to me that there was a proper narrative there underneath, but the way Nigel wrote it dusted the surface,” says Hall. “So it took a long time to piece together, like a jigsaw puzzle, all the little bits that he’d dropped from the book to make a clearer screenplay.” Shouldda taken a longer time, methinks. Really wanted to enjoy this but it came across grossly uneven and self-important to me.

Helena Bonham Carter
makes her presence felt in any movie.

You do like them prickly, don't you, son?

Perennial wonderment:

How Helena Bonham Carter can inject some pizazz into any role and movie, as she does here. Her solid performance as the brash but redoubtable house cleaner Mrs Potter is one of the few high notes of the movie.

Reminds me of:

It really oughtta been Chocolat (2000) in the West Midlands but no such luck.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Consistently but intentionally underhit throughout, this was probably magically intimate on paperback but it's hard to care for its big screen adaptation. Difficult to relate to Nigel here beyond token sentimentality. In fact, it made it all looked a bit too ordinary. Loved the Dusty Springfield score though, so we'll be kinder.★★★
Bonus material:

"Toast may have discarded some of the darker episodes from Slater's adolescence but it stayed doggedly loyal to the spirit of the book:
think Cinema Paradiso, but with pork pies instead of movies."
- This Is Leicestershire

Cold Prey 3 (2010) @ Fritt Vilt III

At a glance:

Not to risk further disbelief by resurrectin the killer a second time, Cold Prey 3 @ Fritt Vilt III is a prequel to movies one and two, naturally an origins movie. We switch directors again with Mikkel Brænne Sandemose but the biggest difference is that franchise staple Ingrid Bolsø Berdal does not return. Instead we get a new set of teens and they go about tryin to survive the monster they discovered. I should imagine we do a similarly crappy job in survivin the movie, as they do, the monster.

Bad news on the doorstep:

After only a token introduction to the birthmarked butcher in the first two movies, somethin more intimate is required for a third movie. Sadly we are not given much more than yet another token backstory on the antagonist; effectively a concession on the filmmakers part that we've come to the end of the road in this icy charade. Also, this latest bunch of people are the most beautiful yet - but they're just as clichéd and pedestrian as the original skiers in the first movie. The movie even feels lethargic in some parts.

Perennial wonderment:

How any third movie always gets the most flak.This one's got 'last paycheque' written all over it.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

A few chillin moments but ultimately a letdown. Forget it and go watch Troll Hunter (2010) instead.★★
Bonus material:

"I can't believe you're interestin enough to make three movies about."

DeAf Jam (2010)

In the hands of a talented poet, shapes in relation to one another

At a glance:

Here's what the literature says: "In DeAf Jam, Aneta Brodski seizes the day. She is a deaf teen introduced to American Sign Language (ASL) Poetry, who then boldly enters the spoken word slam scene. In a wondrous twist, Aneta, an Israeli immigrant living in the Queens section of New York City, eventually meets Tahani, a hearing Palestinian slam poet. The two young women embark on a hearing/deaf collaboration, a performance duet that is a metaphor for the complex realities they share."

Aneta Brodski, The Deaf Jew Poet

Bad news on the doorstep:

It was my first time at the historic Bloor Cinema where I viewed this, thanks to a chance invite from the friendly Jews. This 70min documentary (53min if you saw it on TV) doesn't particularly have an organised runup to the slam poetry climax, so helmer Judy Lieff benefits from havin the winsome tenacity that is Aneta Brodski as the main draw. Doesn't half hurt that she's quite attractive as well. My screenin had Lieff and Tahani in attendance - but they don't look entirely convincin when answerin the floor about whether the Israeli-Palestinian pairin was purely coincidental. While nothin is trivialised, one however does feel there's nothin immediately useful here to add to the political discussion other than a token "peace is possible."

Perennial wonderment:

Is it really true that some deaf people refuse cochlear implants because they are proud to be deaf?

Reminds me of:

The only deaf person I know - a colleague at the place I used to work.

I can't remember if I cried:
There was this bit when two deaf characters walk past a park with people playin music loudly and an exchange ensues about how wonderful it must be like to hear voices. As a hearie (one that hears), I've never spared a thought for anyone who could only dig vibrations. Clever use of muted mufflin at appropriate moments in the film help highlight what it must be like for someone who doesn't hear.

Watch out for:
A particularly lively and humourous performance where Brodski signs a strugglin sperm that goes all the way, beatin all others to penetratin the egg, symbolisin her victory in the world, to have been born.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Three and a half stars. Admirable work to put this out, especially since Lieff told the floor that it took 10 years to complete. For further readin, check out its official website and the trailer below.
Trailer for the curious:

Bonus material:

Judy Lieff (with mic) givin the audience the latest on Brodski's life.
Lousy pic, sorry.

Let The Bullets Fly (2010) @ 让子弹飞

"I'm the director of this movie and this is what I get to do, okay Carina?"

At a glance:

Dubbed by the film's director as China's answer to Hollywood's Oceans Twelve (2004), Jiang Wen's Let The Bullets Fly 让子弹飞 is an immensely rich and successful genre-bender that will go down as one of the best movies in the past 10 years to all Mandarin-speakin territories. With even Feng Xiao Gang in a cameo appearance early in the film, Jiang Wen blends art house storytellin with commercial sensibilities to deliver an entertainin period caper about three men in 1920s warrin China - Bangde Ma (Ge You), Pocky Zhang (Jiang Wen himself in an inspired performance) and Huang (Chow Yun Fatt). It's black humour with lots of old school banditry seeped in a political battle of wits.
Bad news on the doorstep:
The cast turn in a five-star performance with each actor stealin the scenes of another; it's appropriately convoluted and sharply tackled. However, most reviewers note that some of the subtleties of language are perhaps lost to all but the native Chinese. The sequences are intelligent and weighted, although some CG work comes across very cartoonish.

Reminds me of:

The last time I had so much fun watchin a Mainland movie - One Foot Off The Ground (2006).

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Four stars. Any viewer who manages to catch Let The Bullets Fly will know that the 30 over script drafts the director went over before finally bein satisfied was likely no exaggeration. With its two versions (one in Mandarin and one in Sichuanese), the film broke several box office records in Mainland China and Hong Kong, and received critical acclaim when it was released. One source has it down for a 730 million yuan (US$111.1 million) in box office, becomin the highest-grossin domestic film in China's cinematic history when it was released. Movie opens Stateside this week, almost two years since the Chinese first saw it.
Trailer for the curious:

Bonus material:

DID YOU KNOW? Chow Yun Fatt hasn't been in a Cantonese movie for 17 long years, since God Of Gambler Returns (1994), I think.

Rabies (2010) @ Kalevet @ כלבת

At a glance:

Now when's the last time
you saw a movie poster in Hebrew, eh?

This is the Jewish middle finger to all genre conventions if I've ever seen one. Written and directed by Aharon Keshales and Navot Papushado, Rabies (2010) @ Kalevet @ כלבת is a curveball curio (in the Hebrew language) that is touted as the first slasher flick to come from Israel, havin gained some notoriety in the festival circuit. Hell I'm not sure if I've ever even watched an Israeli movie, let alone an Israeli horror movie. I'll provide a functional synopsis - it's about a sister and her brother who have run away from home and are now lost in a fox reserve with an unidentified killer hot on their heels. The proceedings involve a forest ranger and his dog, two very unfocused cops and four beautiful youngsters in their outrageously preppy tennis gear. There's a bear trap or two and some unexploded mines, too.

Bad news on the doorstep:

As many reviews will point out, there's surprisingly nothin here about the titular affliction at all. No animal nor man froths at the mouth so don't be thinkin you'll get some "infected" zombie action. Actually, with so many red herrings in the film, it may well be a rather fittin title that cleverly refers to the feral, diseased and infectious nature of the events. Killin people is like, rabid-like, right? Anyway, back to the movie proper. Just when you think this is Israel's answer to the American B-grade horrors we've been used to, the movie veers into unexpected and rather detailed subplots, one after another. It's definitely a movie that will leave you disorientated and you'll have to decide if you like that sorta feelin. 

Yael Grobglas doesn't get to be on the poster.

Perennial wonderment:
If you get to be in Israel for a week, what would you do?

Ania Bukstein

Reminds me of:
Certain angles of Yael Grobglas a.k.a. Yael Joelle Lise Grobglas reminds me of Asia Argento. Funny it's the other girl (busty Ania Bukstein) that gets to be on the movie poster, though. Another red herrin?
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

This is a movie that seasoned movie buffs and film critics will enjoy. Unexpected black humour, decent death scenes and sound performances all round (Lior Ashkenazi, Ania Bukstein, Danny Geva, Yael Grobglas, Ran Danker, Ofer Shecter and Efrat Boimold). Do stay for an extra scene after the end credits to find out what happens to the killer.★★★
Trailer for the curious:

Bonus material:

"Here in Korea, we're rabid with delight. Really."

Open House (2010)

You like underwater sex in other people's swimmin pools, eh?

"I must be allergic to this fabric...
and good movies."

At a glance:

Not to be confused with a video release of what Najib and Rosmah shamelessly do in their public-funded residence durin Manchester United matches, Open House (2010) nevertheless starts off on a similar premise - it's about fools who visit a house inhabited by fools. A less-than-lovin couple tries to sell off their love nest via a property agent amidst nasty divorce proceedings but is visited by a woman and a man under sinister circumstances. Sounds like a dodgy movie already.

Bad news on the doorstep:

It is a dodgy movie. What you get is Andrew Paquin writin and also directin a movie which has his illustrious sister Anna bein roped in to market the film despite appearin for only a minute or so, while Anna's husband Stephen Moyer is the lead. The story itself is pretty ordinary and its token twist doesn't really do anythin for the movie.

Perennial wonderment:

Playboy model Tricia Helfer is definitely hot in TV's Battlestar Galactica but in this movie she looks like an old and ugly man version of Amanda Peet. She's still got that killer body but we don't get to see much of it so what's the point of this movie?

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Kudos to Brian Geraghty for at least gettin the looks down as a killer and suggestin that somethin interestin might actually happen. Frustratin movie.★★
Trailer for the curious:

Bonus material:
Here are more Tricia Helfer stills and also a bonus clip from the movie I found for you - Tricia Helter Pre-Underwater Sex Flirting 101. Look, then skip the movie.

Tricia Helter Pre-Underwater Sex Flirting 101

Hi. I'm Tricia Helfer and this is my house...

I just love a man who wants to use a Merlot for lubricant!