Orc Wars (2013)

Orc Wars are fought with semi-automatics, shotguns, tasers, Indian medicine men, rednecks and even elven princesses with bad dye-jobs who do jumping front kicks.

Dragonfyre The Worldgate Sentinel?
Not a bad poster, frankly.

At a glance:

Orc Wars by Kohl Glass is worth a look-see, if only to do some background readin to understand whether orcs are trademarked or copyrighted entities. Sorry, I'm equally ignorant about Tolkien's works and German folklore. I've never seen the 2001 movie Orcs! either. Anyway, I just read from producer Kynan Griffin a few hours ago that the movie will be known as Dragonfyre: The Worldgate Sentinel in some markets. The story? Not too sure, wasn't really payin too much attention. It's a fantasy flick, with some kinda mixed realm or time travel plot, involvin this ex-army redneck (Rusty Joiner) who buys a remote ranch in the country despite the cutthroat market without even lookin at the property. You get hand grenades, tasers, swords and sub-machine guns, not to mention CGI dragons, white elven witches and a whole lotta Orcs, chasin after this one warrior huntress chick (Masiela Lusha) who looks like Shakira with a worse dye-job.

Bad news on the doorstep:

When they're not shootin a Lord Of The Rings or Hobbit movie, I suppose you can have all the Orc costumes on the cheap. Frank Veenstra over at Bobafett1138 pardons the cheapness but finds it particularly annoyin that all modern Orcs sound like they walked in from the Peter Jackson movies.

Perennial wonderment:

"So... err... gimme all your gold, fool."

Let me give you an example or how absolutely frustratin this can get sometimes. See this frame right here? The chick lands on her feet dramatically after doin some kungfu shit, but you can hardly see the blade or her boobs. The scene just ends like that. What a waste!

Reminds me of:

Timeline (2003) starrin Gerard Butler, Paul Walker and Frances O'Connor. That was a neat little timewaster that was very serviceable, though.

Masiela Lusha plays the elven princess.

I can't remember if I cried:

When the Indiana Jones character whips out two pistols and starts shootin Orcs within the openin five minutes. That's when I went to the fridge to look for snacks.

Most memorable line:

I'd be damned if I remembered any lines at all.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Not unwatchable, lest you think I'm bein too harsh. However, it's hard to get into the mood with all the ATVs and grenades soundin off, while both the good guys and the bad guys hardly register a significant note. Well, if you're hardly payin attention, the adventure is largely inoffensive. Do check out its official Facebook fan page for more info.★★
Bonus material:

Director signing off DVD copies to send to the Kickstarter financiers who donated to the cause. The Orcs thank you guys for lunch, I'm sure.