Thursday, 21 February 2013

Dark Skies (2013)

"Hey son, did you copy this drawing from Insidious, Sinister or Mama?"

"Psst... should I draw aliens or demons tonight? Over."
At a glance:
Top-of-the-flops director Scott Charles Stewart (remember Priest and Legion?) returns to try again in a PG-13 sci-fi thriller called Dark Skies (no obvious link to the 80s TV series of the same name), starrin Keri Russell (Waitress) and Josh Hamilton as the Barretts - nervous parents on the forefront of an alien invasion into their suburban home. There's J.K. Simmons too, playin Agent Mulder with a fedora. Gee thanks, you overly-informative long trailer, you.
Bad news on the doorstep:
I believe the lesson in this movie and contemporaries like Insidious, Sinister and Mama are all painfully the same - if shit goes down in your house and you don't know what it is, just check the kids' drawings. Oh look, it's a ghost/demon/alien. Mystery solved. Saves us 45 minutes of diagnostics. The movie? It had a few promisin set pieces but is undone by an unconvincin, rather straightforward resolution. There's an unexpected theme of social anxiety from world economic collapse in the script but this does little for the story. By and large, derivative and unrewardin. As the end credits rolled, the woman next to me at the Toronto premiere went: "Huh? That's it!?!?"
Keri Russell looks ready and able but this movie ain't gonna do much for her.
Perennial wonderment:
Recognise the older kid with Bieber hair? That's Dakota Goyo, the kid in Real Steel with Hugh Jackman.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Undeservin of its wide release. Another underwhelmin also-ran. Rent it if you're bored.★★

Bonus material:
"Mummy, if the aliens come, would you please wear a bra?

Wednesday, 20 February 2013

Kill For Me (2013)

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Katie Cassidy. Last seen in bloodied plastic in Nightmare On Elm Street (2010).

At a glance:
Kill For Me (2013) is an R-rated Canadian effort from Michael Greenspan, about roommates Amanda Rowe (Katie Cassidy) and Hailey Jones (Tracy Spiridakos) who share the problem of abusive men in the past and now must consider murder as an option to help settle each other's problems. Other casts include Chelah Horsdal, Colin Lawrence, Denis Corbett, Donal Logue, Leah Gibson and Ryan Robbins.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Not the strongest character expositions, made worse by several poor dialogues from a slightly lethargic script and an unrewardin twist climax. Katie Cassidy from TV's Gossip Girl and Arrow looks less interestin as the movie wears on.
Perennial wonderment:
Canadian actress Tracy Spiridakos looks a little like Amy Smart, doesn't she?
Okay, well, maybe not in this picture.
Reminds me of:
Mike Long of DVD Sleuth summarises perfectly: "Kill for Me is yet another movie where students never seem to go to school... plays like an odd combination of Strangers On A Train meets Wild Things. The movie wants to have an old-fashioned vibe while still portraying (nudity free) girl-on-girl action and some violent scenes. The end result doesn't add up to much and by the time the ending arrives, confusing reveals and all, most viewers will be saying 'Turn this off for me'."
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Underwhelmin release. Show some love on Facebook if you've seen it.★★
Bonus material:
lesbo loving nipple melayu malay jerks
Katie Cassidy and Tracy Spiridakos.

Monday, 4 February 2013

Movie 43 (2013)

Elizabeth Banks, along with some 40 others, were blackmailed to star in this film.

Shit and sex come together for the house bunny.
At a glance:
I'd like to think I could talk you out of this one but chances are you'd like to see for yourself, whatever you've read elsewhere about this bein the worst movie ever in general release. It's definitely a forerunner for the Razzies this year and probably in every category. Producer Peter Farrelly's criminally meaningless, unfunny and obnoxious Movie 43 (2013) deserves none of your hard earned dollars, but with an ensemble cast this juicy, you're likely to pay the nominal sucker fee, like I did. It's an R-rated comedy with the loosest of coherent narratives, gag after gag, put together by different directors. The film has 11 directors and 15 writers tied to it, each one writin and directin different segments. Highlights include; Hugh Jackman with an outrageous deformity on a blind date with Kate Winslet, a coprophilic Anna Faris forcin her poop fetish on reluctant boyfriend Chris Pratt, a home-schooled Jeremy Allen White growin up under extremist parents Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts, and lastly a dodgy super hero speed datin session with Justin Long, Uma Thurman, Jason Sudeikis and Kristen Bell. It's a circus.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Leslie Bibb, Justin Long and Jason Sudeikis in Movie 43.
Didn't know they were all so broke.
Well, the critics are unanimous on this one. It sucks balls. Hard. That's why there was no press preview and not too many of the stars attended the LA premiere. Prosthetic cocks, pubes, piss, period stains, poop - you name it, they've got it. Why did these stars subject themselves to such vulgar humiliation? Richard Gere and Kate Winslet are in this, fuck me.
Perennial wonderment:
Funny how only adults are allowed into this but probably only 9-year-olds would find it funny.
Yes, that's actually Gerard Butler playing a leprechaun.
Reminds me of:
Trash like Date Movie (2006) and all the other Movie movies.
Most memorable line:
None I can remember but Jason Sudeikis as an annoyin Batman is one of the more tolerable moments of the movie. His is probably the only funny character and he would've held his own in Kick-Ass (2010) or Super (2010).
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
A sympathetic narrator might have saved this but the skits are simply not funny. Every now and then I tried to will myself into a giggle, to make the best of it. Total walkouts I counted? Five. Promise me you won't pay for this one.
(p/s I can feel my IQ droppin a few points just writin this review)
"I can see Batman under the table, Robin. It's a small table."
Bonus material:
Cock tattoo for Stephen Merchant, prosthetic tits for Halle Berry. Real classy!