The Texas Roadside Massacre (2012)

Marina Resa does what it says on the tin in Roadside Massacre (2013).

"Where's my nincompoop casting agent?"

At a glance:

I wish I could give you more backstory about Scott Kirkpatrick's immediately trivial-soundin Roadside Massacre (2012) -- which is released on DVD and VOD in the U.K. as The Texas Roadside Massacre -- but I think the movie failed to get to a bigger audience and the official website had already expired. Anyway it's a micro-budget slasher about five college friends who take a detour and end up in the remote mountain town of Blueridge, where Karen (Marina Resa) believes her older sister went missin two years ago. After a few odd encounters with the locals, people go missin and shit starts hittin the fan -- apparently it has somethin to do with Jimmy's Rib Shack, the local barbie joint.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Good times.

Well, I'm not sure whether they didn't have the finances or the editin talent for it - but they can't seem to shoot even a simple car accident. A lot of action either happens offscreen or happens in a way that makes you wonder if it happened at all! I guess Roadside mostly suffers from a story has been done to death, not to mention how the birds in it aren't particularly lookers, nor do they dress (or undress) to compensate for it.

Perennial wonderment:

While the narrative is actually sound and you can follow all 80 minutes of it, I again wonder why people would feel compelled to go forward on so little. Ain't we seen this hicksploitation template a hundred times over? A dream's a dream, I guess.

Reminds me of:

Haha - do you have all day?

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Plenty of IMDb shills at work on this one, I see. Ah well, jog on.★★
Bonus material:

It's a teen eat teen world.

Deranged (2012)

Buxom Glaswegian babe Natalia Celino moved to Spain after starring in Deranged (2012).

How can you give away the killer in the poster itself?

At a glance:

Not to be confused with the Korean ecological thriller of the same name and year of release, I believe Neil Jones' rather disastrous Deranged (2012) is a very fittin title for this little vanity project by the lead Marcia Do Vales, a Brazillian actress who also produced and wrote it. If you can stand her distractin accent and classless demeanour, then you can try finishin this DVD. Other casts in this Spain-set slasher include Craig Fairbrass (Vikingdom, 2013), Victoria Broom (Zombie Women Of Satan, 2009) and the obligin Glaswegian talent Natalia Celino (Umbrage, 2009). It's about four chicks away on a bachelorette holiday at a remote country house.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Let's keep it short, lest it robs me of my time twice over. It's a low-budget genre piece with a several actors who keep things respectable but the effort is completely undone by a prologue and a poster that actually reveals who the killer is, right from the outset. This wouldn't have been a big problem if it had more goin for it but unfortunately, it doesn't. UK video store owner Dave Wain wrote a great review about how none of the girls are particularly likeable, singlin out the OTT performance from Marcia Do Vales, for she goes into moments of heightened tension soundin "like a Latino cookie monster".

Perennial wonderment:

Victoria Broom & Tabitha Quitman wonder how they'll live this one down.

Where's the labret gone, Natalia?
Oh well, have fun wherever you are.

Reminds me of:

Hmm... I didn't finish watchin Donkey Punch (2008), that other movie about British sluts holidayin in Spain. 

I can't remember if I cried:

Influx Magazine's Nav Qateel nails this one: "The best performance came when Marcia Do Vales (Gabby) lay dead on the floor, not speaking, or moving. Infinitely better than the scene right before she drops dead, where she makes a poor attempt at looking like she’s dying (shudder)."

Watch out for:

The very nice Natalia Celino, a Scottish bird with monstrous tits. She gives us an eyeful in one sex scene to which she really should've have agreed, but it's definitely her (you can tell from her eye of horus tatt on her right shoulder and her pierced chin). I think she used to be a stripper or somethin like that, but she's recently had another baby and just moved to Spain last month, accordin to her rather public Facebook page. Probably to escape from the shame of havin starred in this horrible movie!

"Dude, can you shine the light here a little?"

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

I see other interestin titles associated with Neil Jones - The Reverend (2011) and The Seasoning House (2012). As for this one, I'd say stay the fuck away.★1/2
Bonus material:
Check out the official website and Facebook fan page while it's still up.

Hard to imagine people going to its website and downloading wallpapers, really.

This is bad angle for a chick as hot as Natalia Celino. Shame on you, DOP!

The Victim (2011)

The incredibly tempting but titless scream queen Danielle Harris.

Real life lovers Michael Biehn and Jennifer Blanc.

At a glance:

The tagline asks: "Who is the victim?" Well, you mostly likely are, if you sat through this, like I did. The Victim (2011) is written and directed by Hollywood veteran Michael Biehn who couldn't resist also starrin in the damned thing, while castin his buxom wife Jennifer Blanc opposite him. Well actually, they started their own production house and this is the first of three pictures they shopped, I think. It's an R-rated effort about two sluts (Blanc and the equally trashy Danielle Harris) who are fixin to get it on with two police officers (Ryan Honey, Denny Kirkwood) in the woods but their tryst is compromised and Blanc's character escapes to a cabin inhabited by a mysterious loner (Biehn). Title refers to the guessin game we have to play, as we try to figure out their competin stories on just who is bein fucked over here.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Ryan Honey takes forever to come with Danielle Harris in The Victim (2011).

Jennifer Blanc-Biehn and Danielle Harris.

Reportedly shot over 12 days for US $800k, mostly in Topanga Canyon, close to Malibu, California, and marketed as grindhouse fare, helmer Michael Biehn apologetically said he "got the sex in, because I didn’t have money for special effects makeup, I didn’t have money for visual effects. I didn’t have money for crowd scenes of car chases, nothing like that and so I just went with the sex, dirty cops, drugs, a little bit of torture, and enough to do a little bit of action, and I threw in a serial killer." Well, that's all well and good but The Victim largely suffers from a structural issues i.e. unhelpful flashbacks and music that are well sourced but don't work. The onscreen sex between the husband and wife team is so sudden, it's hilarious. Biehn will always have his fans but I think Mrs. Biehn's actin and delivery still has some way to go. She's pushin 40 but she's got a voluptuous body, though.

Perennial wonderment:

What's the next level for Danielle Harris, I wonder? She's famous now after doin the Halloween and Hatchet movies, and I seem to always end up watchin her less illustrious appearances as well, such as Stake Land (2010), Cyrus (2010), ChromeSkull: Laid To Rest 2 (2011) and most recently Fatal Call before this favour to Michael Biehn.

Reminds me of:

Jennifer Blanc pleasures Denny Kirkwood in The Victim (2011).

Primal sex in the woods with betattooed women of loose morals... or was that all a dream sequence? Oh noooooooo ...
I can't remember if I cried:
What kind of girl would offer to give head in exchange for "living a little longer and doing something I've always enjoyed"? The kind of girl in a B-grade sexploitation flick, I guess. Oh, and what kind of guy would allow a girl to? An incredibly stupid one, that's for sure.

Most memorable line:

Some weak lines throughout but please do check out Michael Biehn's bizarre monologue on sociopaths in the closin scene, about "touching the face of God".

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Biehn at work.

Alan Cerny of Ain't It Cool News acquits The Victim as "a fun sleazy grindhouse film", in which Biehn was lauded for both givin a good performance and gettin good performances out of his actors. I can't say I can be as excited for it, but watchin the end credits reel does make me feel more forgivin towards the people behind it, who must've put in a lot of effort. I guess if I were Michael Biehn, this would definitely be somethin I'd proud to start out with. Good luck for your next try, sir. ★★1/2
Bonus material:

Danielle Harris. Not my kind of body type but she got heat, alright.

Hell Glades (2013)

Jenny Scordamaglia and Katie Rotolo have the best pair in Hell Glades (2013).

Pointless interracial horseplay scene:
Michael Malone and Sandy Jean.

At a glance:

How I wish I could take some hot chicks into the wetlands for eight days and muck about in the name of makin a movie. Just about anyone can make a movie these days, can't they? Just ask my fellow countryman Julian Cheah... or in this case, Aiden Dillard, who has carved a name sellin his movies like Meat Weed America (2007) to dodgy content distributors Troma Team Video. I think this Hell Glades farce never got shopped since its completion as far back as 2011 and only recently found itself on iTunes. Filmed in Immokalee and Miami Beach, it's a sun-soaked slasher with bikini-clad broads and an outlandish Native American villain named Coowahchobee. The synopsis reads: On Friday October 5th 2007, the first day of Columbus Day weekend celebration in the United States of America, a group of young women went camping in the Florida Everglades. They all disappeared under myserious circumstances, except for one. This is her story.

Bad news on the doorstep:

"Coowahchobee loves good head."

"With pretty petals like those, I'm sure his stamen
was hard pressed not to enter your pistil."

Well, what can I say. This is the cheapest cousin of Wild Things (1998) yet -- and I've seen me all of them. Curiously edited with a range of hard cuts and some fadeaway shots, it comes across like an action documentary with very low production values. The sound mix is so poor that swimming pool waves drown out the voice of a guy who narrates standin next to it. The worst thing about this movie though, is what is bein passed as actin. The delivery and timin of the lines are so outrageously hammy, it seems almost intentional. This in turn becomes an unexpected sellin point of the movie. If only they packaged it that way, it could've turned some heads. As it is, the laughable low-budget kills and horrible lightin is enough to make anyone switch off within the first 10 minutes.

Best actor: This barn owl.

Perennial wonderment:

The worst completed movie is still better than the best uncompleted movie, right? One day, I will test this.

Reminds me of:

Troma's The Toxic Avenger (1984) but that was curio piece with a lastin legacy. Hell Glades (2013) on the other hand, plays off scarcely better than a film school project you'd shoot with your parents' money. It's strange they had so many elements and used so many people for the effort. Aiden Dillard, if you're readin this - can you tell me what you had initially hoped to achieve by makin this movie?

I can't remember if I cried:

Please. Do. Not. Act. Again. Ever.

This fella named Ron Henry cannot act to save his life. If you're readin this, please sir, don't ever put yourself through the embarrassment again.

Most memorable line:

Well, this silly flick sure has some unusual writin. Imagine how in the first minute, a couple have sex in the woods and the girl goes: "Hey John, look at that owl, looks like it's watching us. Isn't that strange?" and he replies with a snigger: "Even the birds like to watch the bird and the bees." Other cringe-inducin lines include "That's where I keep my larger prey like bears panthers and other big pussies." and "Our love is like sandwich. You are ham, I am cheese."

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Robin Vernon groped by Seminole baddie in Hell Glades (2013).

Hell Glades in the hands of a more competent filmmaker would've had high chances of fallin into the category of films that are so bad, they're good. What kinda movie goes through the elaborate execution of havin their bustiest actress say lines like "With pretty petals like those, I'm sure his stamen was hard pressed not to enter your pistil." Should've been much more fun than this.★1/2
Bonus material:
I have loads of photos for you, culled from the official Hell Glades Facebook fan page.

What does the Arabic on Aban Sonia's chest say?

(L-R: Chelsea Harshman, Nicole Soden, Katie Rotolo, Jenny Scordamaglia, Belkys Galvez, Aban Sonia. Krelwear sponsors swimwear on last day of filming at Deauville Hotel, Miami Beach. Photo: Sid Graves.)

The Bates Haunting (2012)

The Bates Haunting: Dawn Sobolewski gives a tit or two for the cause.

At a glance:

Byron Turk's feature debut The Bates Haunting (2012) was released yesterday on VOD, retitled from Welcome To The Bates Motel but ridin ever so shamelessly hard on the famed Hitchcock thriller. It's a low-brow slasher about moody small town girl Agnes Rickover (Jean Louise O'Sullivan), who witnesses her girlfriend's freak accident death at a local haunted amusement park, only to end up workin part-time at the very same attraction months later. As usual, people start dyin and Agnes is right at the heart of the mystery.

Bad news on the doorstep:

To be fair, there are some pretty committed SFX in here, not to mention some lines that almost transcends its decided mediocrity e.g. when Ryan Dunn (yes, the departed Jackass, God rest his soul) waits 40 minutes for a pizza, he complains it's "a shit-covered Frisbee and that the pepperoni look like Samoan nipples". The problem lies in the sound design and execution -- there's virtually no tension. Amateur performances plague the proceedings and the story simply doesn't have enough goin for it.

Jean Louise O'Sullivan plays sexy lead Agnes Rickover.

Perennial wonderment:

I thought that every slasher needs at least one good kill sequence?

Reminds me of:

Every other limp and lame horror I've been endurin this past month.

I can't remember if I cried:

"Mine!"

When I read the movie's tagline -- Some things are best left alone. I also can't believe the poster depicts a silhouette of a person with a knife behind some creepy house window. Was any of this in the movie? Should Anthony Perkins get a cut? Ha!

Most memorable line:

"Yeah, I'm pretty far from Norman Bates. You can call me ...normal Bates?"

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Not scary, not funny, not worth it. However, they did package it well with a con job poster and title, so I'm glad they got their movie out there.★★
The day the music died:

 R.I.P. Ryan Matthew Dunn (11 June 1977 - 20 June 2011)

Bonus material:
Here are some movie stills taken from the Bates Haunting official website. Also, check out the official Facebook fan page if you're still readin.

Byron Turk and Jean Louise O'Sullivan

April Fool's Day (1986)

At a glance:

Before there were slashers like Scream (1996), there were already plenty of other movies where a beautiful teen cast would find themselves in a murder mystery, usually in a holiday cabin of some sort - but probably none took itself less seriously than April Fool's Day (1986) did. I should imagine this was a lot of fun in the cinema with friends in those days. There's Valley Girl Deborah Foreman as a prank-lovin hostess, surrounded by colourful white friends, like Thomas F. Wilson (Biff from the Back To The Future films) as a beefy jock and Deborah Goodrich (pic) as a titless but nonetheless commandin blonde. The lot of them go about crackin sex jokes and playin practical jokes on each other throughout the whole film, strangely displayin a presence that is stronger than, say, the pretty cast of any Final Destination flick.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Perhaps one twist too many, when each seemingly horrific deed turns out to be a practical joke. This movie is also known for a very big twist endin that didn't endear itself to too many.

Reminds me of:

Friday The 13th movies, the gold standard of 80s slasher flicks it seems.

Most memorable line:

Nikki: Something about myself? I wanna work with handicapped children. My parents are my best friends. I start convent school next semester and I fuck on the first date. April Fool's!

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Appeal is probably limited since it appears rather dated to anyone who can't identify with its 80s cast. Love Jerry Whitman singin 'Too Bad You're Crazy' at the end credits, though.★★

Anatomy (2000) @ Anatomie

"Hi, stud. Do you know the strongest muscle in a woman's body?"

At a glance:

Anatomical obscenity, anyone? Stefan Ruzowitzky German slasher was apparently big bucks back home and did well enough to get an English-dubbed release Stateside. It's a decent premise at first really. A promisin medical student gets the chance of a lifetime to attend the prestigious Heidelberg Institute for physicians and surgeons. She befriends a fellow student and a terminally-ill drifter on the train on the way there and they get accustomed to life on campus. Horror of horrors, the two girls are shocked to find the drifter on the dissectin table in one lecture. As events unfold, we are shown the possibility that there might be a sinister conspiracy goin on in the institute.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Suspenseful but not the kind of terror that lasts years after you've seen the film. The story disintegrates into a shock-value number in the last act as we are shown some rather unimpressive twists, included no doubt to convince us that this isn't another thoughtless run-of-the-mill gore fest. I knew about this film only because of Franka Potente, the lead actress from Run Lola Run (1998).

Perennial wonderment:
Don't we all love traditional FX instead of CG crap? The special effects here are pretty good. You can read on IMDb that the models of preserved human bodies are so well-done it has been offered up for real life medical teachin.

"I knew it. I should've just studied Accounting."

Reminds me of:

I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997).

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Less blood than Saw (2004), more story than Scream (1996) and just about the same durability as The Skeleton Key (2005) or The Descent (2005). Two and a half stars. The DVD release I got is loaded with extras - deleted scenes, interviews, featurettes, storyboards, filmographies and even a very sexy Anna Loos music video of the track My Truth. Come to think of it, the soundtrack is quite alright and was released as an album, I found out. If you like it, you can consider movin on to its sequel - Anatomie 2 (2003.

Trailer for the curious:

Bonus material:

Japanese poster for Anatomie (2000). Neat, no?

Dying Breed (2008)

No happy movies may come out of this continent!

Nathan Phillips

At a glance:
Combinin true Australian convict camp history with standard slasher movie elements, Dying Breed (2008) is an interestin but rather unbalanced take on what happens if fictitious descendants of a certain 19th century Irish escapee named Alexander Pearce decide to continue his messy habit of eatin people. Shot in Tasmania and Melbourne (includin the Pieman River on the West Coast of Tasmania, which is named after the shoe-stealin baker in question), Dying Breed reminds us of recent B-grade interests like The Tattooist and The Ferryman - they all feature location-centric themes with decent production values and considerable special effects but ultimately short of a few really good scares to make a memorable movie. Here, we follow Tasmanian tiger hunters Jack (Nathan Phillips, Wolf Creek), Matt (Leigh Whannell, Saw), Rebecca (Melanie Vallejo) and Nina (Mirrah Foulkes) as the foursome unravel the mystery behind a quiet swamp of a village where tourists go missin and pies taste good.
Bad news on the doorstep:
However, the weak link to whatever that is authentic, historical or indigenous is soon revealed and their half-intense adventures never do seem to hit that high note. The makers seemed to have gone through a lot to get this movie done, with the production notes claimin a 28-day shoot that was blighted by 80km winds, sleet and 600mm rain in three days, en route to discoverin it was the worst weather in Tasmania for 10 years. When you read that 80% of this movie is really shot around the area where the Pieman events happened, it seems a little sorry if you consider this a wasted opportunity. This gets censored pretty bad too if you're watchin the Malaysian theatrical release.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Nothin terribly original about this but we do get proper storytellin (unlike other low-budget horrors) and it does have its moments. Pieman's story has recently been made into another movie called Van Diemen's Land, released in Australia in September 2009. Perhaps that would be a more rewardin watch than this.★★1/2