Lovelace (2013)

Peter Sarsgaard tickles Amanda Seyfried's tonsils in Lovelace (2013).

At a glance:

The real Linda Lovelace.

How far does a girl have to go to untangle her tingle, asks the poster for Deep Throat (1972), the purported most profitable indie flick of all time at some $600m (not accordin to the mob who funded it), out of which tragic starlet Linda Lovelace received none of the US$1250 owed to her. I wish I were livin in those pre-Internet days to experience fuck flicks at standalone cinema wankathons, at least once in my life. If I did, I wish I got to know Linda Susan Boreman, the unassumin Florida schoolgirl turned world famous porn star, often credited as bringing adult entertainment into the forefront of mainstream attention. This very sympathetic and one-sided Andy Bellin / W. Merritt Johnson treatment is a biopic based on Eric Danville's 2001 book The Complete Linda Lovelace, focusin on how the lass escapes her religious mother (Sharon Stone) to meet and marry the charismatic hustler Chuck Traynor (Peter Sarsgaard) who would end up bein her papa pimp and punisher. Who would've thought that Linda's impressive capacity for fellatio would send her up the dizzyin heights of international superstardom and then down so far to the lowest levels of human depravity? Lovelace (2013) is a movie I was excited to read about and I wanted to like.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Juno Temple would've been my top choice for Linda.

Dirty beauties Juno Temple and Chloe Sevigny both have small roles in this and I wish either of them had landed the leadin part instead. Was Amanda Seyfried cast because of her freckles and her 60s style, upside-down heart-shaped tits? I read that Kate Hudson was first choice! What a disaster that would've been. Far more critical than that, of course, is how easily the picture goes down, when contrasted against the cultural significance of its characters. I'm talkin about how it "reduces an immensely disturbing, politically byzantine tale to a series of cartoonish vignettes" and how "this celeb-studded biopic squanders a gutsy performance by Amanda Seyfried while making '70s porn look scarcely more sleazy than a movie-of-the-week melodrama from the period", accordin to Rob Nelson for Variety. Sarsgaard and Adam Brody especially give some layered, highly watchable performances but the way all the characters enter and exit the proceedings, e.g. Playboy legend Hugh Hefner played by James Franco, simply devalues the explosive subject matter. Not only is the camerawork rather static, the characterisation makes caricatures out of everyone and many potentially powerful scenes lose their emotional gravitas, e.g. Dad (Robert Patrick) talkin to his little girl on the phone about how he had to walk out of the cinema, and Linda survivin a beatin in the streets only to be rescued by cops who were more interested in gettin her autograph.

Well, at least the retro typeset and production design was spot on.

James Franco's pipe-wielding Hugh Hefner!

Perennial wonderment:

Will we ever find out how much the movie actually made? Did Hugh Hefner really get a blowjob from Linda and was he really a sympathetic figure who wanted her to be a legitimate movie star? Was Linda actually a pathological liar and used everyone, just as much as they used her? It would've been nice to at least cover the other angle about how she felt the anti-porno movement also manipulated her durin her last days.

Reminds me of:

The wonderfully depressin biopics Auto Focus (2002) about Bob Crane and What's Love Got To Do With It (1993) about Tina Turner - both of which are vastly more resonant and wholly entertainin than this one.

I can't remember if I cried:

When it stopped at 92 minutes. What kind of self-respectin biopic has such a short runtime? No wonder everythin seems rushed!

Most memorable line:

Chuck says: "No, Linda, it's Shakespeare. I told them you do a great English accent, particularly with a cock down your throat."

Innit sad that a movie so big gave so little to Linda?

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Total Film's Kate Sables notes that for a movie obsessed with truth-tellin, Lovelace "ignores the competing accounts of its heroine’s porno past, privileging only her own version". Another online comment dismisses Lovelace as "nothing more than a by-the-numbers, woman empowerment, Lifetime channel Movie Of The Week…with nudity". I do feel it's not very tender and disappointingly mediocre. For a more academic view on the topic, check out the 2005 documentary Inside Deep Throat. By the way, does anyone know what happened to that other Linda Lovelace story that was supposed to be out this year, Inferno: A Linda Lovelace Story (2013), starrin Malin Akerman and Sasha Grey? I read that Lindsay Lohan was supposed to be the lead. Oh well, meanwhile I'll have to check out Paul Schrader's The Canyons to see how LiLo is doin. ★★1/2
The day the music died:

R.I.P. Linda "Lovelace" Boreman (26 Jan 1949 - 22 Apr 2002)
and Charles Everett "Chuck" Traynor (21 Aug 1937 - 22 July 2002)

Bonus material:

Some of them like to use you, some of them like to be of use.

Ashley (2013) @ Sprawl

Nicole Fox and Nicole Buehrer negotiates the awkward morning after in Ashley.

Hey, look! Another nipple poster.

At a glance:

Domenic Migliore's snailwork of a story Ashley (2013) a.k.a. Sprawl is an exercise in teen frustration that renders itself all too well at the hands of the director, Dean Matthew Ronalds. From the attractive poster, I'd thought it might be somethin like Flashdance (1983) meets Lolita (1997), or maybe even Gia (1998) meets Crush (1993). Turns out it's an indie drama scarcely worth watchin even for 22-year-old lead Nicole Fox, the fashion model starlet best known as the winner of Cycle 13 of America's Next Top Model. She plays a sullen 17-year-old student faced with a catalogue of personal problems like self-harm, bullyin, domestic abuse, sexual abuse, buddin homosexuality and a general disenchantment with life. She lives with her alcoholic single mum (Jennifer Taylor), who blames her husband's death on her. Gosh, if she only had AIDS this would be the middle-class suburban white version of Precious (2012), wouldn't it?

Bad news on the doorstep:

"I'm a teenager!"

I think a critical flaw in this effort is the surprisin lack of any moral resolution to the proceedings, but what upsets me the most is that the movie has little, if at all, to say about the human condition. There's plenty of amateurish camerawork to pick on, too. What will probably stop you in your tracks is the overdone soundtrack which is saturated with annoyin teenybopper music, tense piano pieces and even opera tracks -- all of which hardly improve the scenes. Hell, there's no tension to the narrative and sometimes I can't even bloody hear what the characters are sayin!

Perennial wonderment:

Michael Madsen:
Most hardworking cameo actor today.

Oh there goes Michael Madsen again, makin yet another five minute cameo in any shoestring indie project that could do with better billings. Didn't I just watch him last night in Nomad (2013) mumblin and barkin at someone as usual? Somewhere in the world, it's payday for Michael Madsen. Here, he collects after tellin Ashley what veal is and then tryin to cop a feel. What a plonker.

Reminds me of:

"This is how I feel about heterosexual sex and polite conversation."

That equally meanderin melodrama About Cherry (2012) starrin Ashley Hinshaw, about how a young girl becomes a porn star. By the way, there's hardly any nudity here, save maybe for an awkward phone sex scene. Oh wait, Nicole Fox does take her bathrobe off somewhere near the end, if you actually get anywhere near that.

Nicole Fox disappears into Ashley.
[Photo credit migliorephoto.com]

I can't remember if I cried:

Once the end credits rolled. Sheesh. Remember, I watch bad movies so you don't have to. If you paid to see this, you'd be mean enough to say it ain't too far off from a voyeur cam, the footage of a girl smokin, cuttin herself, smokin again, playin on her laptop and smokin again.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

So was that endin an attempt at an emotional payoff? If I were payin enough attention, this movie actually has a very dangerous message. Me, I'm off to rewatch The Heart Is Deceitful Above All Things (2004) to forget about all this palaver.★1/2
Bonus material:
Here are some production photos and a few movie stills if you insist on watchin it. You could also go check out the official website and the Facebook fan page.

America's Next Top Model Nicole Fox gives two for the cause.

How every successful relationship begins -- online.

The Afflicted (2010)

J.D Hart as Cowboy Profit, a fraudulent evangelical who loves fake boobies.

At a glance:

Probably as ugly as this movie:
The real Theresa Knorr.

So I guess Afflicted Picturehouse was a one-time company set up just to make this time-waster? The Afflicted (2010) a.k.a. Another American Crime is written and directed by Jason Stoddard based on the true story of Theresa Jimmie Knorr, a deranged Californian woman now in prison where she will be eligible for parole in 2027. A committed Leslie Easterbrook (the Police Academy movies, The Devils Rejects) is a first-time producer and also stars as Mother Maggie, an drunken piece of white trash dumped by her husband (Kane "Jason Voorhees" Hodder in a brief role) and takes to abusin her daughters while bein consumed by evangelical perversions.

Bad news on the doorstep:

What an irredeemable bore. Bizarre character decisions, ham-fisted performances and repeated, derivative elements throughout. Gimme a break! You hold out in hopes of the infinitesimal payoff at the end of this harrowin viewin experience.

Perennial wonderment:

"Can you feel the fire the Lord has gone and put in my loins, Father?"

Leslie Easterbrook's mad matriarch role lacks innovation but at least it gave me a reason to look up the real perp. Funny how they had such a rich source to draw from and all they could come up with is this pedestrian effort.

Reminds me of:

The Girl Next Door (2007) but that was superior.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Visit its official website for more info. It's still up so I believe they're still shoppin! ★1/2
Bonus material:

Precious: Based On The Novel "Push" By Sapphire (2012)

Not the most motivational of movie stills, I reckon.

At a glance:

I had just seen Gabourey Sidibe's brief role in Seven Psychopaths (2012) and I thought I'd rehash this old review, on account of renewin my seethin dislike for the movie upon the very sight of her. Precious: Based On The Novel 'Push' by Sapphire (2009) is quite a mouthful for a movie title, so it's a small relief that this decorated Oscar fave does have somethin substantial to say. However, like the makers conceded and thanked production ally Oprah Winfrey at the 2009 Awards ("because you touched it, so everyone saw it"), we really have to wonder if this greatly divisive film isn't just another well-marketed product of white guilt internalisation.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Paula Patton lends her well-to-do looks for contrast.

Yes, the artistic merit of this drama does come into question, as the eponymous main character Claireece Precious Jones (Gabourey Sidibe) is an overweight, illiterate, impoverished and abused teenager who just happens to be surrounded by some of the nastiest people and also go through some of the worst experiences one possibly can growing up in black Harlem. It's the kind of character arc that invites empathy at first but then descends into a credibility problem. Not that we're contendin the nature of a grossly underprivileged life in the late 80s, but there is a difference between tellin a story about the black underclass and tellin a story about how the black underclass view themselves. This Lee Daniels picture is a clear case of the latter but instead of offerin any insight into the psyche of any one person who comes from such a background, it is evident by the final reels that Precious is an unreflective sob story that strives for some redeeming value that it cannot attain.

Perennial wonderment:

Mo'Nique, the monster of a mum. Figuratively and physically.

For a movie that has been called "con job of the year" to one that goes to the extent of "demeaning the idea of black American life", emotions run strong, especially since we can't call the filmmakers racist because they're black. Perhaps it's an instance of reverse racism that the horrendous story of Precious becomes such a celebrated film that has picked up close to 100 awards across film festivals and such. In any case, there is no denying that Mo'Nique's performance as an criminally-abusive mother is a powerful turn that deserves every award it gets, includin the most prized one - Best Supporting at the 82nd Academy Awards. The movie as whole features some compelling actin (Gabriel Sidibe, Paula Patton, Sherri Shepherd and even Mariah Carey), and that lends urgency and strength to the proceedings whatever you might feel about the story.

Reminds me of:

Don't know. Can't relate to much in this movie.

I can't remember if I cried:

When I saw the frazzled Mariah Carey role. It's a suitable role for her, admittedly. It's just that this isn't the woman I remember from the Christmas music videos and that depresses me, as if the story isn't movin along bad enough.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Emotionally manipulative in a way I don't care for. As a movie experience, you will have to watch Precious - but only if you want to discuss it with your friends, and not because you look forward to enjoying it. ★★