Paper Moon (2013) @ 紙月亮

In Paper Moon, the DOP fashioned a wau from Chrissie Chau's bikini.
Okay, I lied, but they might as well have done that, seeing how bizarre it was.

At a glance:

"Whaddya mean I can't wear this in Kelantan?"

Earnest but every bit as flimsy as its title, Double Vision / Astro Shaw's Paper Moon (2013) a.k.a. 紙月亮 is a peculiar PG-13 / CAT IIB botched time-lapse romance and I wonder how many of its shortcomings the wayfarin TVB director Stanley Law Tak Ming 羅德明 of Ice Kacang Puppy Love fame would admit to himself. Budget-backpedallin to the tune of RM 2.37m only to see an embarrassing collection of just RM 170k over its theatrical run back in January, it's actually a gorgeously shot picture with an luscious production design and several notable Hong Kong stars in its fold. Stars they indeed are, unless you're as disgusted as Anthony Wong when it comes to leggy leng mos like Chrissie Chau Sau Na 周秀娜. We'll come to that later. This cinema release is like an origins story based on the ntv7 teleseries The Iron Lady, starrin the wonderful Yeo Yann Yann as a ball-breakin matriarch of some sort in period times. I'd hate to giveaway the connection, seein that it's also a spoiler but if you've read the vastly differin synopses out there for this movie, you'd realise that the package is suspect from the off.

Bad news on the doorstep:

"Seriously man, when are they gonna call a lunch break?"

Several structural surprises short of goin great guns gonzo, Paper Moon is guilty of makin token references to everythin, includin its eventual connection to the TV series. After you have forgiven the jarringly staged flashbacks, and the intrusive score and sound mix (so often the bane of sappy Sino sentimentality and all forms of Oriental melodrama), we arrive at several most unfortunate chemistry no-go's, the most fatal bein -- who the hell is gonna buy a Lam Ka Tung and Chrissie Chau romance? Worst than havin no affinity with each other, ol' Gordon looks like he genuinely couldn't bear bein in the same room as her. The skinny? It's a convoluted caper about a poor and bitter kitemaker in Kelantan who comes across a sexy tourist one fine day. However, the deluge of sudden info in the final act will befuddle you no end. There's a lot of shoutin and cryin but nobody is touched.

Sucking eggs always leads to sex.

Perennial wonderment:

How Chrissie Chau maintains her Kim Kardashian career is beyond me. Forget the little known Best Actress awards and the name brand of Chrissie Chau for a minute to consider her performance at face value. Is she pullin off the crossover? She tries very hard but sadly, these dramatic roles are beyond her depth. Maybe in 10 years she can be the new Shu Qi but now that they've had a go with her and seen the results, maybe we oughtta keep her in the negligee catalogues with Angelababy for now.

Reminds me of:

Talkative ex-girlfriends (not mine) who send long text messages and cry all the time. Annoyin!

"Hmm... will Nik Aziz approve of us?"

I can't remember if I cried:

When Gordon Lam spoke some token Malay. That sums it up, really. Too much token and too little thought bein placed on tidyin up these disastrous character arcs.

Watch out for:

Some sex scenes on the DVD that didn't make the big screen. They were nothin much but at least singer Tedd Chan 曾国珲 got a go at Chrissie, eh? Good on ya, son.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

At least Tedd Chan got a go at Chrissie, eh?
Good on ya, son.

Two or three rewrites were sorely needed to save this epic wannabe and wannabe epic. Wau, this movie has really brought out the worst puns in me. Bin my keyboard and shoot me already.★★

Double Xposure (2012) @ 二次曝光

William Feng 馮紹峰 and Fan Bing Bing 范冰冰 have zero chemistry together.

When will Fan Bing Bing go Hollywood?

At a glance:

Li Yu's heavily promoted Double Xposure (2012) a.k.a. 二次曝光 is a particularly mouth-waterin project for me because her previous Lost In Beijing (2007) a.k.a. 苹果 was such a delight to watch and here she gets to direct the mesmerisin Fan Bing Bing (范冰冰) again in yet another seedy Mainland dish. When these two get together, Fan almost always gets a sex scene or two and the poster invariably cashes in on her star appeal by depictin her in the throes of wet romance. We're introduced to a confident Fan as a plastic surgery consultant and her plastic surgeon boyfriend William Feng Shao Feng (馮紹峰) who is in fact two-timin her with her hedonistic bestie Huo Si Yan (霍思燕). The affair is soon uncovered to murderous ends but that ain't even what the movie is about, would you believe it.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Oh dear. Where's the script gonna go from here?

Yep, this quickly turned into an over-elaborate exercise in stylish futility, as the story implodes into almost a separate movie by the second half of its 105min run, upsettin genre expectations by rainin us down with too much information and iffy plot twists. There's no satisfaction to be drawn from the bizarre connections, leavin us with a lot of wasted cool CG work and soundmix to admire.

Yummy prospect. Undone by too much story.

Perennial wonderment:

When will Fan Bing Bing go Hollywood? I think she has one English-speakin role comin up, no?

Reminds me of:

Well, the initial frustration evokes Switchblade Romance (2003), that's for sure.

Watch out for:

Joan Chen (陳沖) as the clinic proprietor. She's unremarkable but reliable as always. Nice to see her get a run-out here.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

If this movie ended after the first plot twist, it would've at least been a competent mood piece. Unfortunately, the final product is a messy psychodrama that simply tried to do too much. I'm goin backwards now to check out Buddha Mountain (2010) a.k.a. 观音山, the last Fan-Li collaboration.★★
Bonus material:

Fairly watchable Chinese seductress Huo Si Yan 霍思燕

Taipei Exchanges (2010) @ 第36個故事

A junkyard cafe. That's Taipei Exchanges for ya.

At a glance:

Here's one of those dreamy Taiwanese movies I saw in Singapore a couple of years ago. Reportedly backed by the Taipei's tourism authorities, TV ad director Hsiao Ya Chuan's Taipei Exchanges a.k.a. 第36個故事 is a PG-rated fairy-tale approach to the troubled region's political projections on capitalism. If Au Revoir Taipei is exotic, then Taipei Exchanges is definitely quaint. In a movie where almost all if not most of the action (or rather inaction) unfolds in a cafe just like Kamome Diner (2006), we follow Doris (Kwai Lun Mei, Secret, 2007), an office girl who quits her job to start a cafe but finds the place turnin into a junkyard business due to elaborate exchange-only arrangements that serendipitously happen. Her slacker of a sister Josie (Lin Zai Zai) plays no small part in this barter bizarro, which somehow turns the place into a buzzin pitstop of peculiar camaraderie. There's also some romantic subplots mixed into the theme, like a man (Chang Han) who wants to trade bars of soap.

Bad news on the doorstep:

What the fuck are we gonna do with this place?

The gastronomic appeal of Taipei Exchanges starts wearing thin somewhere midway and the sisters' laments turn tiresome quickly, although they may not be trivial. The crux of the story is the interplay between the sisters (maybe even their disapprovin mother) and their conflictin values but this projection is far too weak and too cute to capture an audience that demands deeper drama.

Reminds me of:

Small cafes like Wondermilk in Uptown Damansara.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

It's a pretty picture alright - but the dreamy approach might just have been a tad too detached and loses us at the end. A recommended watch only for viewers who enjoyed Look For A Star (2009) more than A Place Of One's Own (2009).

Men In White (2007) @ 鬼啊!鬼啊!

At a glance:
Remember this crap? Men In White (note that two of the ghosts are actually women) mope about in an abandoned apartment, livin off mouldy oranges and grilled pork offerings. Our ghoulish misfits include, amongst others, the Hip-Kwan-Do (don't ask) gangsta-rappin twins played by Xavier Teo and Ben Yeung, a naggin old madam (Alice Lim), a young girl (Ling Lee, pic) and an obsessive badminton player (Shaun Chen). Stuck in a state of limbo and bored brainless, the lot of them go harassin the livin.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Told chapter by chapter (e.g. can ghosts fall in love?) in what must be an attempt to provide some semblance of structure, it first appears promisin. Soon, it just breezes by like a flurry of sketches, never havin somethin significant to say. If indeed insignificance is the very point, then I'd argue that even as light entertainment, it doesn't have that engagin quality which endears you to it. Contemporaries like Scary Movie 3 might have been infinitely shallower than this, but at least there are scenes we remember for a particular quality. The most arrestin this movie ever got was when the MTV clips came on because the songs were actually quite catchy.
Perennial wonderment:
Kelvin Tong (the only Singaporean director whom I can attest to be a nice guy), found early success with his horror hit The Maid but here he shot off in as many directions he could, all at once. Employin a young cast of pretty faces not mainly known for their actin, he's managed to create an image for this film which invites you to speculate on its content. Infused with a particular blend of Hokkien, English, Cantonese and Mandarin dialogue which is exclusive to people who live in conditions where they hear all four, one does feel that the target audience is restricted to only the two Chinese diaspora on either side of the causeway. It's a good thing Tong went on to shoot a decent horror in Rule #1 and we're now waitin for his Kidnapper, due 2010.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?Men In White doesn't cut it as a rewardin social commentary. It isn't purely slapstick comedy either. What it does feel like is a well-financed, independent pilot episode of what could be a weekly half-an-hour sitcom series, reekin of esoteric Singaporeana and forever lost in translation to those who can't figure out why car accidents and 4D opportunities are so hilarious. With its overdone personalities and uneven execution, Men In White never took itself seriously. We shouldn't either.

Kung Fu Cyborg (2009) @ 机器侠 Metallic Attraction

Alex Fong Lik Sun 方力申 and Hu Jun 胡军 in Kung Fu Cyborg (2009).

At a glance:
Slap on the generic Chinese tag 'kung fu' to themes like mahjong, hip-hop, basketball, tootsie, cookin or even pandas - and you'll get a marketable movie title one way or another, the plot for which also never falls too far from the moniker. Don't be fooled by Kung Fu Cyborg: Metallic Attraction though. It really ain't HK's answer to Transformers no matter what you read. That trailer you watched and that poster you saw are red herrings as well. The Kung Fu Hustle director has reportedly said that the robot-human dynamics in this movie is more like Wall-E. Turns out the deceptively titled flick is actually a sci-fi rom-com with lead actor Alex Fong Lik Sun lookin like a cross between Astroboy, Andy Lau and Elvis. The Little Flying Fish, as he is dubbed in the Chinese-speakin entertainment world, plays a one-man Autobot named K-1 who's assigned under a kampung cop chief (Hu Jun) while actually servin undercover for a high-rankin government agent (Eric Tsang) to track down a kungfu-powered Decepticon named K-88 (Jacky Wu Jing). Meanwhile, the cop's sister (Sun Li) falls for Fonzie-wannabe K-1 and a resident nerd (Ronald Cheng) tries to ruins things.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Before Michael Bay could arrive on set to praise director Jeff Lau for makin an modestly entertainin CGI-heavy movie with reportedly just US$ 14 million (Revenge Of The Fallen has a US$200 million budget), the lot of them take us on a spectrum of genres and themes, from slapstick comedy and rural melodrama to extended robot animation and motion capture footages. There are some unexpected elements like redemption and sacrifice. However, it still feels like a hotpot of robot fun with insufficient thought put in on how to make a better movie.
Perennial wonderment:
How movie posters are such an important aspect of whether a movie makes it.

Reminds me of:
Suria Perkasa Hitam. Gaban. Voltron. What else?
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
If you're more inclined towards sittin at home to watch Ronald Cheng and Alex Fong on TVB's comedy cook show Beautiful Cooking, then that's alright too. Otherwise, give the flimsy but outrageous Kung Fu Cyborg a try, if only because the English subtitles are excellent and you want to watch a movie that doesn't take itself too seriously.★★1/2
Bonus material:

An Empress And The Warriors (2008) @ 江山美人

Kelly Chen: What the fuck movie have you cast me in?

Kelly Chen in nice armour

At a glance:

Have you ever seen a hot air balloon carrying a sampan? Well, in this movie, you will!

Bad news on the doorstep:

Firstly, do not be fooled by the artwork – this isn't your run-of-the-mill war epic. It isn't an expanded TVB kungfu drama either. If anythin, the clumsily titled An Empress And The Warriors a.k.a. 江山美人 is an MTV soap with Leon Lai and Kelly Chen playin mismatched lovebirds - and poor ones at that! You'd say: at least Donnie Yen kept his shirt on, sparin us the muscleman theatrics that tortured us for more than an hour in Flash Point. However, as war epics go, you wouldn't be spared the bionic, one-man-kill-all Oriental heroism that oozes out of Donnie's terracotta-type costume. Kelly Chen, on the other hand, is still poutin like a Chinese version of Emmanuelle Beart, despite having had so many opportunities since the Infernal Affairs movies to beef up her actin chops. It is peculiar to see the songstress shout at men like Maximus in Gladiator, only to manja up to Leon Lai in the next scene like a giggly schoolgirl. Together, they could hardly convince anybody that they are in Ancient China, let alone that they're in love.

Weeee... our careers suck!

Perennial wonderment:

That being said, let's not be too hasty to cast the first stone on this empress and her poor band of lost warriors. We can give consolation points for the costume settin, can't we? Although the body armour in the movie couldn't protect against mosquitoes, never mind arrows, they sure are nice to look at. This lends some credibility to the movie. Sadly, all that money still went to waste when you consider that the movie is largely forgettable due to its disengagin flow. The slow-mo action sequences may have been cool 20 years ago but we have learned to ask for more than action-wire assisted stunts through the years. Oh, the story? Princess Fei-er inherits the throne from her warlord dad in a short-lived attempt by General Mu-yong to keep this one other evil general, her cousin, out of power in the Yan hierarchy. Guess what she does with her monarchy when handsome medicine man Lan-guan comes into her life?

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

By the way, I lied - Donnie couldn't resist takin his shirt off after all. You'll see. ★★