Solomon Kane (2009)

Tattoos are for pussies. Branding is the real deal.
James Purefoy is Solomon Kane, hit man for God.

At a glance:

This 2009 Michael Bassett movie scored VOD last month and sees a limited release today in a handful of locations across the U.S. so I thought I'd rehash my old review for those of you who didn't manage to catch it the first time around. To audiences vaguely familiar with this comic character, the first question is: what superpowers does Robert E. Howard’s character have in this Solomon Kane film adaptation? A cynical answer would be cheesy lines, the ability to kill CGI demons and a pretty cool-lookin slouch hat. I watched this in a March 2010 release by Grand Brilliance in Malaysia and even then the cinema bosses joked that they fancied makin a little from just the openin weekend only, considerin the box office-friendly key visual. Me, I'm just happy the director got his North America release and that the movie is at least better than that drivel that was Jonah Hex (2010).

Bad news on the doorstep:

Rachel Evan-Wood.

Yes, for one we’re fortunate that the we get a movie out of a decent character created more than 30 years ago by the man who spawned Conan The Barbarian. However, while this Michael Bassett (Deathwatch) imaginin manages to retain Captain Solomon Kane as a brutally efficient 16th century killin machine armed with his signature pistols, cutlass and rapier (so says the production notes from the U.S.), the picture as a whole is monotonous, unrewardin and also marked by a distinct lack of humour.

Perennial wonderment:
How do the actors feel about their involvement in this movie today? James Purefoy (HBO’s Rome) didn’t do a bad job at all as a Puritan with ‘fallen priest’ sentiments during those feudal times. His muscular performance is consistent throughout the show, right down to his transition in values, where he’s called to take arms again havin renounced violence to save his soul due a past encounter with a badass Skeletor-lookalike called The Devil’s Reaper. The man’s soul might be damned but he sure is joined by some very decent allies such as an ex-priest (the late Pete Postlethwaite, The Town) and his innocent daughter Meredith (Rachel Hurd-Wood, Perfume). In fact, the entire cast is faultless as they are great drama actors, includin a small role from Swede cinema legend Max von Sydow (whose illustrious career incidentally includes a role in 1982’s Conan).

I ride. I kill. I have a slouch hat. Do you?

Reminds me of:

Van Helsing (2004) and Conan The Barbarian (2011).

Most memorable line:

God's hitman has a string of iffy lines to say, all soundin like a corny, fallen feudal superhero steeped in existential illusions of self-grandeur after years of abusin cheap ale. They include: "I was never more at home than I was at battle.", "If I kill you, I am bound for hell. It is a price I shall gladly pay.", "There are many paths to redemption, not all of them peaceful.", "I'm a man of peace now.", "I am not yet ready for Hell." and "Only devil here is me". Don't these remind you of somethin Christopher Lambert would say in a Highlander movie? Well whaddya know. Apparently in 2001 it was announced that Lambert was offered the role of Kane and was seriously "considering it as it's a very compelling part". Although the film rights were granted in 1997, it took another 11 years before filmin began.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

The problem is that our dogged hero just isn’t interestin enough here despite all the excellent period detail. He doesn’t get too many show-off scenes and he takes himself too seriously under this direction. Although drama and action are struck with a fair balance (sometimes you may feel like you’re watchin Gladiator), the good captain’s adventures are predictable, dour and ultimately told poorly with disengagin focal points and unimaginative dialogue. The final nail on the coffin is hammered home when the ultimate baddie demon makes his CGI appearance, emerging like an inferior Decepticon that dropped out of Sunday school in heaven. Better luck next time, Master Kane.★★1/2

Bonus material:

Director Michael J. Bassett.

The day the music died:

R.I.P. Pete Postlethwaite 
7 February 1946 – 2 January 2011

Hana (2006) @ 花よりもなほ

"I don't wanna be a samurai. I just wanna have sex all day."

At a glance:

There are quite a few Japanese movie titles which start with "hana" (meanin "flower") and some of these simply get the short title when they reach other countries. It was tough to tell them all apart but this isn't the murder mystery I thought I was gonna watch! Somewhere in pathetic, rural Edo (old Tokyo) a few hundred years ago, a travellin samurai (Junichi Okada) stays in decrepit conditions as he struggles to locate his father's killer. Life however, is never that easy because nobody will give him respect until he performs that sacred task, except perhaps the hot widow-next-door, Osae (Rie Miyazawa) and his young son. As time goes by, the contemplative samurai discovers that the ancient codes seem to be a hindrance on the way by which he really wants to live his life.

Bad news on the doorstep:

"We have come to kill the LGBT community
that threatens our values!"

This movie is directed by Hirokazu Koreeda who is well-known for his morbid themes of death and loss - yet the movie explores these with the most annoyin lack of attention and sobriety. Although I have only read about his impressive line of movies, they certainly promise some hard-hittin drama. Did I miss the point, or does this movie simplu not translate well to foreign audiences?

I can't remember if I cried:

I wasn't kiddin about this bein
a lazy Sunday afternoon movie.

It's obvious the film isn't meant to be a silly farce but much of the story has been muddled by unhelpful sidetrackin and an excess of dialogue - or is it an excess of subtitles? This is definitely not your average samurai movie, what with its black humour and light overtones. The subject matter of the redundant samurai is sufficiently discussed but lacks any sort of cinematic impact for it to retain resonance. The 'boyband' samurai actor just couldn't carry any real pain or guilt in his performance. Also, too much of our attention is diverted to the village idiot, the lover of the landlord's wife and also other bit-part characters which gives the movie an episodic, lazy afternoon viewin feel.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

 Despite its rich historical and cultural details e.g. the (literally) shitty 17th century outhouse, the village plays and also a subplot on the famous 47-ronin story, this movie projects a stubborn lack of urgency. The directional kamikaze is finally committed when a dissatisfyin, all-too-pleasant endin was served.★★

Basil (1998)

At a glance:

Claire Forlani masters the quintessential CFM look.

Apparently based on a decent 1852 novel by Victorian writer Wilkie Collins, The Count Of Monte Cristo meets The Man In The Iron Mask in this predictable period drama about a sheltered nobleman's son named Basil, played by prettyboy Jared Leto. Christian Slater's in there too, together with the exquisite Claire Forlani. She was on the cover of this shitty VCD I found lyin around. That's why I watched the movie.
Bad news on the doorstep:
An IMDb user rightly jested: The reason why the two lead roles are played by Americans is because no self-respectin British actor would be caught dead in this movie. That's harsh but it's probably not too far from the truth. The whole flick is close to two hours but the elements in it are dry and derivative, despite the period detail.
Perennial wonderment:
Claire Forlani - do you think she's as slutty as she looks in real life?
Watch out for:
A visual of a woman lyin on the floor, post-abortion. This caused the movie to get the R-ratin, apparently.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
You can watch it for the performances, I guess. Two stars. Filmmaker Radha Bharadwaj never wrote or directed another movie since.
Bonus material:

"I can't believe you got me into this movie, Jared."

Mongol (2007) @ Монгол

At a glance:
I guess the two most famous Mongolians I could think of are Altantuya Shaariibuu and Genghis Khan, so I've come to unfairly associate them with murder and the macabre. Anyway, back to the movie. Ain't never watched me no Mongolian movie before, so this is definitely interestin, if only to listen to the language. The murderous Mongol (2007) Монгол is Kazakhstan's entry for Best Foreign Film at the 2008 Oscars and it definitely has strong production values, considerin it reportedly took some 25 weeks to shoot, even trainin non-pro horseriders along the way and buildin new roads to remote locations! Epic is no hyperbole here, respect is due.
Bad news on the doorstep:

Although the movie avoided lionisin Genghis Khan and makin him out to be an indestructible superhero/supervillain (would've been the easiest mistake to commit), it perhaps sunk too low in key and ended up murmurin on over two hours at the cinema. The decidedly amoral stand on the titular conqueror contributed to this and we grow detached from him as the movie gallops on. Hopefully the second part of this reported trilogy would improve on some of this. Also, it could've done without so many battles.
Reminds me of:
Big-faced HK icon Alex Man in a TVB series about Genghis Khan. Somethin I watched as a little kid with me mum.
Watch out for:
Sun Hong Lei, who took Best Actor at the 2008 Asian Film Awards for this smug performance as Gengis Khan's adopted brother, Jamukha. Made me wanna watch Blood Brothers again. This guy needs to play a villain in a big Hollywood movie.
Most memorable line:
The bit about goin for "strong legs that can make a man happy" when choosin a wife. Different folks, different strokes eh?
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Three stars for the obviously painstakin effort.
Bonus material:
Well, I have about a hundred production stills for you. Enjoy.

 

 

 

Director Sergei Bodrov.

Director Sergei Bodrov.

Director Sergei Bodrov.