At a glance:
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| Rose McGowan plays Marique. |
Featurin a relatively unknown cast of pro bodybuilders, the camp classic
Conan The Barbarian was released in 1982 and launched the actin career of a certain Arnold Schwarzenegger into international superstardom. Today, Robert Howard's celebrated Cimmerian character lives again through TV's
Baywatch Hawaii star Jason Momoa - though the result is
Texas Chainsaw Massacre director Marcus Nispel's unfortunate mix of sword-and-sandals with obscene gore - all in the name of violent cinematic fun. They do look pretty damned good though. For those not fascinated by Momoa's carefully chiselled naked butt in the bedroom scenes, the eye candies are Rachel Nichols,
pic (
Amityville Horror, 2005) and Rose McGowan (
Grindhouse, 2007) but they don't do too much. The whole movie has a 'drunken tavern' production design with muddy floorboards and topless barmaids aplenty - and somewhere in between those two you'll find the formidable French actor Saïd Taghmaoui (
La Haine, 1995) starrin as an afterthought of a bandit - a testament to how unnecessary this movie really is and how hard it is to get cast in the decent role these days.
Bad news on the doorstep:
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| "Kill me now. I don't wanna be in this movie." |
When it comes to blood, other barbarians are happy to spill but
Conan splashes. Rated R Stateside and 18/M18 in Malaysia and Singapore
respectively,
Conan The Barbarian does more than what it says on the
tin if you're lookin to catch some barbarous acts of violence in
voluminous gratuity. The story, unrelated to earlier films, follows
Conan as a child who grows up hell-bent on findin the evil warlord
(Stephen Lang from
Avatar) who killed his father (Ron Perlman,
Hellboy) and annihilated his entire village in search of a mythical
artefact. It is not difficult to agree with the online consensus that
this 2011 reupdate lacks heart - as can be felt most jarringly in scenes
of emotional downtime with grand music - all failin to resonate
with the audience. In short, it's hard to care for the characters no
matter how good they look.
Perennial wonderment:
 |
| "If I touch you there..." |
Hard to tell Momoa from the
Baywatch days of Jason Ioane and his pearly whites. He's very committed
to the role and nothin like the hunky young lifeguard we remember -
but at least he has found a suitable job since apparently receivin 140
stitches on his scarred face in a 2008 bar brawl involvin beer glass.
There seems to be blood and violence at every turn when it comes to
Conan, eh? Well, Cimmerian or not, check yourself for hepatitis after
the show.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Dozed off at the Singaporean premiere plenty of times.★★
Bonus material:
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 All the natives are happily topless on set. Barbarians, really. |
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