A Sister's Nightmare (2013)

Ahh... Natasha Henstridge. Species was a rite of passage for many wankers, literally.

At a glance:

You will forgive this writer for not resistin Natasha Henstridge in any form of visual entertainment, on account of the post-pubertal nostalgia of watchin Species (1995) for the very first time. You will forgive this writer, even if A Sister's Nightmare is a Lifetime telemovie and her glorious teardrop tits, now misshapen by the sands of time, remain covered throughout. The story? Oh, it's just a mystery thriller directed by Vic Sarin, about an embattled police officer (Kelly Rutherford) who is forced to welcome her older sister (Henstridge) into her home after 16 years of confinement in a psychiatric hospital.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Oh, the usual caricatures and predictable setups. It's also a little strange that the actress who plays the younger sister is six years older than her in real life, not that this had any bearin on just how the movie held up, goin into the last third where the dots connect all too easily. Every other character, like the feckless fiancé (Matthew Settle) and even the mysterious, aquaphobic daughter (Peyton List) merely embellish the backdrop, so we don't think this is a Stephen King story.

Kelly Rutherford looks a little like Ellie Goulding here, doesn't she?

Natasha Henstridge is a different species, these days.

Reminds me of:

The Hand That Rocks The Cradle (1992) and Glass House: The Good Mother (2006) but those were much better, of course.

Most memorable line:

Well I certainly don't remember any but check out this hilarious movie review by Jill O'Rourke at Crushable. Definitely more entertainin than what I've spluttered here or even the movie proper.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Canada will continue to breed such movies for many more years to come, surely. This particular one's a rushed exercise, but very serviceable for a lazy Sunday afternoon, I'd say. Keep your expectations low.★★★
Bonus material:

Wow. Time changes everything, huh?

Orc Wars (2013)

Orc Wars are fought with semi-automatics, shotguns, tasers, Indian medicine men, rednecks and even elven princesses with bad dye-jobs who do jumping front kicks.

Dragonfyre The Worldgate Sentinel?
Not a bad poster, frankly.

At a glance:

Orc Wars by Kohl Glass is worth a look-see, if only to do some background readin to understand whether orcs are trademarked or copyrighted entities. Sorry, I'm equally ignorant about Tolkien's works and German folklore. I've never seen the 2001 movie Orcs! either. Anyway, I just read from producer Kynan Griffin a few hours ago that the movie will be known as Dragonfyre: The Worldgate Sentinel in some markets. The story? Not too sure, wasn't really payin too much attention. It's a fantasy flick, with some kinda mixed realm or time travel plot, involvin this ex-army redneck (Rusty Joiner) who buys a remote ranch in the country despite the cutthroat market without even lookin at the property. You get hand grenades, tasers, swords and sub-machine guns, not to mention CGI dragons, white elven witches and a whole lotta Orcs, chasin after this one warrior huntress chick (Masiela Lusha) who looks like Shakira with a worse dye-job.

Bad news on the doorstep:

When they're not shootin a Lord Of The Rings or Hobbit movie, I suppose you can have all the Orc costumes on the cheap. Frank Veenstra over at Bobafett1138 pardons the cheapness but finds it particularly annoyin that all modern Orcs sound like they walked in from the Peter Jackson movies.

Perennial wonderment:

"So... err... gimme all your gold, fool."

Let me give you an example or how absolutely frustratin this can get sometimes. See this frame right here? The chick lands on her feet dramatically after doin some kungfu shit, but you can hardly see the blade or her boobs. The scene just ends like that. What a waste!

Reminds me of:

Timeline (2003) starrin Gerard Butler, Paul Walker and Frances O'Connor. That was a neat little timewaster that was very serviceable, though.

Masiela Lusha plays the elven princess.

I can't remember if I cried:

When the Indiana Jones character whips out two pistols and starts shootin Orcs within the openin five minutes. That's when I went to the fridge to look for snacks.

Most memorable line:

I'd be damned if I remembered any lines at all.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Not unwatchable, lest you think I'm bein too harsh. However, it's hard to get into the mood with all the ATVs and grenades soundin off, while both the good guys and the bad guys hardly register a significant note. Well, if you're hardly payin attention, the adventure is largely inoffensive. Do check out its official Facebook fan page for more info.★★
Bonus material:

Director signing off DVD copies to send to the Kickstarter financiers who donated to the cause. The Orcs thank you guys for lunch, I'm sure.

Online (2013)

Morgan Ayres & Esseri Holmes are cheating spouses in Online (2013).

At a glance:

Would you cheat on a wife as hot as Kelsey Sanders?

Temptation is just one click away, so reads the tagline for the unimaginatively titled and non-SEO-friendly Online (2013) -- brought to you by the producer of What Would Jesus Do? (2010) through the distributor Slingshot Pictures, who only do faith-based titles and whose goal is to "acquire films that have strong family values, messages of hope and are life affirming as well as spiritually enriching." Consider it due notice then, that you're readin a review on a Christian-themed feature film about temptation and infidelity on a movie blog with as many sex ads as mine. Anyway, it does look like a determined bunch of middle-class Republicans got together and shot this peculiar flick, leadin to a final product that I'll concede as technically accomplished and deservin of a place on any DVD shelf -- even if the content is terribly and laughably guilty at preachin to the choir. It starts with a pointless openin credit sequence in an Italian restaurant kitchen (what does pizza-makin achieve in mise-en-scène?), after which we're introduced to our slightly giddy leadin man John (Morgan Ayres), a happily married, newly promoted, all-round clean cut, son of a preacher man. Late one night, our upright Christian crusader turns online outlaw when he decides to join a social networkin site that reconnects him with his high school flame, Adrianna (Esseri Holmes). All it takes is one extramarital kiss and bam! Little Johnny starts shakin like a leaf, worryin about his neglected wife (Kelsey Sanders), his new job, his towerin father, the risen God -- you know, all that stuff.

Bad news on the doorstep:

The Interweb - where many a virtual sin is committed !

Sold!

Secular sentiments aside, this movie really tests you with some ludicrous events and character decisions -- and I'm not referrin to people breakin into prayer. The crux of the story is the Ninth Commandment and how it's a sin to lust for another, even in your heart. On the strength of the movie title, it had the golden chance to discuss relationships in the age of technology and social networkin, which is why I endured it. However, confined to operate within its narrow, self-defined framework, we see no sex, no lust and no real reflection on anyone's part, unless you think the match cuts where our estranged couple eats separately count. Nobody even swears in this movie, not that it's a definitive measure of realism. All the characters are unlikeable, weak, two-dimensional and grossly unreal. An easy example is how the wife played by Kelsey Sanders is hotter, sexier and much more temptin than the supposed temptress played by Esseri Holmes.

Perennial wonderment:

Looking for a bit on the side...
from a pastor's son?

Which church or congregation produced this I wonder? I think the director, filmmaker Kevan Otto is an ex-cop or somethin. It's not a cheap production, you know. Although mostly indoors with some slipshod camerawork and editin, they had some pretty elaborate sequences. Anyway, can someone explain to me why all the promo keyart and visuals do not feature billings for the three main casts? I can't even see their names in the small print. Is it because they're not part of the Christian scene that's behind a project like this one?

Thanks for the comedy, Mr Herlong!

Reminds me of:
The time the old lady in Orgazmo (1997) said: "You heard me. Take that book of Mormons and shove it so far up your righteous asses that you choke, you soul-soliciting pig-fuckers." Okay, well it doesn't exactly remind me of that but I do think of that scene fondly whenever I feel people come on too strong.

I can't remember if I cried:

Byron Herlong had better not quit his day job as a computer guy because his actin is outrageously hammy. He played a French character in this movie as if he went all out to make the world hate everythin and anythin French.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

"Whoa... You mean you only cheated... IN YOUR HEART?!?!"

I quite like how the end credits rolled but your capacity to enjoy or rather, to finish this movie, would pivot on your tolerance of unapologetically didactic Christian content. If you can't even get past the first of many scenes in which a Bible verse gets quoted, then just fast forward to find out the endin. However, in doin so, you'll miss out on the bit where they manage to take a swipe at psychics. Haha. Check out its Facebook fan page for more info.★1/2
Bonus material:

"O Lord! Show me the way to a better casting agent!"

Isis Rising: Curse Of The Lady Mummy (2013)

Porn star Priya Rai goes mainstream in Isis Rising. Still flashes boobs, though.

I wished the movie sucked. Literally.

At a glance:

Do you guys know the crossover Indian-American porn star Priya Anjali Rai? She's quite filthy and frankly, a joy to watch, whatever your ethnic preferences may be. Recently, the longtime stripper turned adult actress has apparently cut her hair, got hitched to some wealthy businessman and subsequently announced her retirement from the scene, so as to develop her mainstream actin career. I believe Lisa Palenica's unsold project Isis Rising: Curse Of The Lady Mummy (2013) is Priya's first movie in that direction.

Bad news on the doorstep:

"Why did I quit porn? Whyyy?"

After a most unconvincin prologue in ancient Egypt about a love triangle between Isis, Osiris and Seth, we are fast forwarded to the present day where six college students unwittingly awaken the spirit of Isis (Priya Rai) and now they have to stop some undead army from destroying the world. It's frankly a shoestring-budgeted version of Night At The Museum (2006), with a tryin cast, doin their best to hide the primitive SFX and soundmix under a pile of jock jokes and sexual innuendos. I think the biggest disappointment, for anyone even remotely interested to watch this C-movie, would be the fact that Miss Rai doesn't actually appear much, despite bein given top billin and also servin as a co-producer.

"It says... you will star in... many bad movies... before you meet a cougar producer..."

Priya Rai: 12 years on the stripjoint circuit.

Perennial wonderment:

Milfy Priya Rai is the mother of two children. If somethin good did come out of this sad excuse of a movie, I guess they can both watch mummy's movie together with her this time, eh? Ahh... God works in mysterious ways.

Reminds me of:

That movie with Mallika Sherawat, Hisss (2010) for some reason.

I can't remember if I cried:

The CG work is very Power Rangers. It's hard to stay interested after seein the first few attempts.
Most memorable line:
This is the kind of movie that could've been watched on mute and on fast-forward, so don't expect any standout writin.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

In all fairness, at least they didn't take themselves so seriously. It's a silly little fantasy with some savin grace e.g. some actors like Jing Song and Shellie Ulrich definitely didn't make it any worse, given the circumstances. However, the fact that there's no nudity in the package makes this one a curious little project indeed. Why did they make it? Oh, well. Check out the official Facebook fan page and tell me when you find an answer.★1/2
Bonus material:

Jing Song stars as Professor's pet. She gets pounded and then possessed.

I Spit On Your Grave 2 (2013)

Jemma Dallender in a spot of rape & revenge for I Spit On Your Grave.

At a glance:

"I shit on your grave!! I do!!"

Director Steven R. Monroe follows up on his R & R hit (rape and revenge) I Spit On Your Grave (2010) with the inevitable I Spit On Your Grave 2 (2013) -- this time with a slightly prettier lead in Kristin Kreuk lookalike Londoner Jemma Dallender (a bit like Hanna Mangan Lawrence too, innit?) and with better, more memorable villains, although they are typically East European again, as Hollywood's preferred criminal profilin will have it. The beloved critic Roger Ebert, who famously rubbished the 1978 original and its 2010 remake, is probably turnin in his grave right know, knowin that this franchise has managed to outlive him. For what it's worth, the product is a more polished, technically accomplished concept sequel with improved realistic torture for you gore hounds out there. This reboot features Katie, a wannabe model who gets more than she bargained for, after agreein to a free photo shoot with some dodgy blokes. Highlights include an extended rape scene on the floor and several good kills involvin a shitty toilet bowl (literally), a cement mixer and an electric prod, not to mention an excellent nipple removal scene reminiscent of Grotesque (2009), plus the best, most graphic castration scene I've ever seen on film.

Bad news on the doorstep:

We gotta nip it in the bud, I say.

I think it's a story of two halves, in more than one sense. The rape bit is nasty, steady stuff. However the revenge bit, which I believe to be central to makin these kind of movies work, is only partially present. Jemma Dallender actually commands a stronger screen presence than her predecessors Camille Keaton and Sarah Butler but the narrative robs us of any sort of meaningful reflection on the part of the aggrieved character that would have made retribution sweeter. The downtime I'm talkin about involves only a subway pigeon roast and a few half-arsed conversations with a sympathetic priest in a church. Notwithstandin some logistical concerns that plague the story and requires frequent suspensions of disbelief, Katie's unlikely escape and rebirth as the hellbent avenger is hard to relate to because she goes from desperate, helpless victim to a calculated, punchline-hurlin badass too quickly. She seems to have forgotten about the anguish that drove her so far in the first place, while we have been invested to see her keep it, especially for the decisive moments in which she is to exact her revenge. Huntin down her captors become an exercise in car-crash curiosity and the payoff we ask for is reduced to a series of shock violence and human depravity.

Jemma Dallender is a little tied up at the moment.

"Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?"

Perennial wonderment:

How should we do I Spit On Your Grave 3 ? I say, have a male lead this time, a pizza guy maybe, who gets raped and tortured by some old maids. Any better ideas? Drop me a line below.

Reminds me of:

I Spit on Your Grave / Day Of The Woman (1978) and Thriller - A Cruel Picture (1974). It's rare but I do find that this movie has actually provided a reasonably more entertainin modern times reupdate on those rape and revenge movies, although it broke no new ground.
I can't remember if I cried:
The nipple removal scene!

"Hmm... I wonder what this does..."

Most memorable line:

None.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Starburst Magazine's Paul Risker framed it well: "For all the controversy of Straw Dogs' notorious rape scene, the film remains a reflection of the ideologies of its director Sam Peckinpah. It explores the individual’s relationship to violence and the necessity of violence for survival. Whilst this reflection is embedded in the film’s subtext, I Spit on Your Grave 2 asks you to attempt to find a reason to celebrate it by projecting meaning and metaphor onto it where none exists." The movie could have been 15-20 minutes shorter, to achieve what it did. By the way, I saw a 107-minute version, so don't get shortchanged because I read that there are some festival cuts around.★★1/2
Bonus material:
I have loads of photos for you below but I don't suggest you click through unless you don't intend to watch the movie. Enjoy!

Joe Absolom gives it up for the best castration scene in cinema history.

Paku Pontianak (2013)

Sidek Hussein has been carrying around this facial growth for 30 years. Horror movies always benefited from it. Apparently he's gonna have to operate soon.

The nail of necrophilia! Nice design, too.

At a glance:

Metrowealth's 85th title Paku Pontianak (2013) (lit: Vampire's Nail) aims to repeat the trusty but tired formula that has made them some money in the past, like Santau (2009), Mantra (2010), Sumpahan Kum Kum (2012) and most recently Minyak Dagu (2013), the last in that list I believe is the only horror production of theirs that has managed to turn in a profit so far this year. Reportedly shot for some RM 1.82 mil, it's a pretty standard genre exercise, about a labu sayong maker played by Pekin Ibrahim who bangs some chick in the middle of the road and takes her into his home to care for her. Yes, it's definitely a missed opportunity to sensationalise the traditional Malay gourd-shaped clay carafe industry like what Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore did for pottery in Ghost (1990), since they drove so deep into Kuala Kangsar to shoot, yet failed to take much from the culturally rich locale. Anyway, the fella bangs some chick (debutante Uqasha Senrose) on the road and brings her home to care for her since she's conveniently lost her memory as well. Time passes and his mum (Ruminah Sidek) starts to push for marriage in view of the gossipy villagers, but a jilted fan of his (debutante Hidayah Samsudin, fresh from her SimplySiti Star Search win) comes up with the theory that her rival is actually a vampire. Jeez, I've got to move to the country some day.
Bad news on the doorstep:

Some good did come out of this movie, eh?

Well, this might go down as one of the most beautiful movies in the world for the lead couple who met and got hitched on set (Pekin insists he has known Uqasha since the both live in Subang but have never exchanged words), but for the rest of us who are dyin for some fresh horror chops, it's only the most recent in the catalogue of MIG titles that you start to forget even before walkin out of the cinema. Ismail Bob Hashim gets another go at horror after Sumpahan Kum Kum (2012), but it's the same Brian Ng sound mix (I like the guy, by the way), the same David Teo box office pantun pontifications, the same haunted angles, the same Ella Sandera makeup SFX and even the same tray of black magic paraphernalia, it seems. To MIG's credit, it has slightly more character development than usual, built on the otai boost of Ruminah Sidek and Sidek Hussein. However, most of the characters add little dimension to the story and I'm sorry to have to single out Uqasha Senrose here for a grossly uneven debut performance that really made no difference to the role and looked even worse next to Pekin's masterful nuances.

Perennial wonderment:

"So, is your skin as nice as Robert Pattinson's?"

Twilight notwithstandin, how many human-vampire romances have we seen recently? The director confesses to usin Nang Nak (1999) as a reference but he strangely brings this up as a positive distinction in a TMO clip. Well, the latest reupdate on that age-old Mae Nak legend just happens to be the new Thai box office champ, Pee Mak (2013), so what did Paku Pontianak bring to the table? Did they drive that crane so far deep into Kuala Kangsar to come away with such a pedestrian effort? What's so special about this story that it needs to be told? Even with low expectations, things have gotten very stale in the MIG stable.

Hidayah Samsudin tries to get her man back.

Reminds me of:

The Kuntilanak trilogy. Yep, I saw all of them. I persevered because Julie Estelle starred in all of them but they really got worse and worse!

I can't remember if I cried:

When I count how many MIG movie I've seen. I really enjoyed Santau (2009) but things have just been goin round in circles and I'm just dyin for MIG to try somethin like Centipede Horror (1984) someday.

Watch out for:

Adiba Yunus should've been the lead!

All eyes are on 21-year-old Kelantan-Siamese beauty Nik Zaris Uqasha Senrose Nik Sen and she is kinda cute but the real sex appeal and commandin female performance in this movie belong to Adiba Yunus (Siti Adibah Mohd Yunus) has risen up the MIG ranks from a mere film extra. She plays the suspicious sister Suraya with sharp conviction that is neither annoyin nor frivolous. I'll resist writin another paragraph on her seductive dominatrix looks out of respect but I do hope we'll get to see more of her. Oh, she's apparently landed the lead role in the upcomin Nasi Kangkang. Wow, my day just got better.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Box office voodoo!

Pekin Ibrahim shines but this is essentially the same punt forward with the familiar big reveals and convenient tie-ups near the end. The third act is a real downer and I really don't fancy these lazy expositions. That bein said, Paku Pontianak is actually a slight improvement on several technical fronts. How about breakin the PG-13 mould by goin for somethin that will really get the industry talkin? Oh well, I do hope Pekin and Uqasha get married next year -- then somethin great would have come out of it.★★
Bonus material:

Well, they have to promote it, don't they?

L-R: David Teo, Uqasha Senrose, Hidayah Samsudin, Adiba Yunus, Along Eyzendy, Pekin Ibrahim.

Ragin' Cajun Redneck Gators (2013)

THANKS REDNECK GATORS! : Victor Webster coppin' a feel of Jordan Hinson.

At a glance:

Yep, it's really happening.

The unapologetic Syfy story Ragin' Cajun Redneck Gators (2013) is what you get when several hungover writers eat a bad slice of pizza and decide that Romeo and Juliet desperately needs to be retold against a backdrop of rednecks, werewolf-like alligators, and rednecks who turn into werewolf-like alligators. Too much for you to process, huh? The pair of star-cross'd lovers who want to take your life here with a single jaw-droppin viewin, in case the gators don't, are Jordan Hinson and Victor Webster, as they ride out this preposterous but not altogether un-fun creature feature. The official synopsis reads: "When a family of Louisiana moonshiners dumps a bad batch of ‘shine in a swamp, the gators begin to mutate! They grow stronger, meaner, and more dangerous as they terrorize the bayou."

Bad news on the doorstep:

Unlike other naysayers who tell you that the actin in here is simply atrocious, I'll tell you that each and every actor actually takes it seriously and nobody is short of respectably convincin at any one point. It's just that the animated threats look so painfully fake, leadin to an acute loss of character investment, even though the movie doesn't ask to be taken too seriously. This was also the biggest problem I had in tryin to finish watchin Sharknado (2013) and other Syfy spawns with similar formulae.

Perennial wonderment:

How about you spare my life and I'll put you in Gatornado?

Are rubber suits preferable to bad CGI for monster movies like this one? I remember watchin a horrible movie called Hydra (2009) in which the character reacts to an invisible force because the green screen work just ain't the best. That doesn't happen in Ragin' Cajun Redneck Gators but I still feel embarrassed watchin it all the same. Yet, I secretly (and genuinely) wish I could get paid to write screenplays like these. The endless fun I would have.

Reminds me of:

Texan beauty Jordan Hinson was the little girl who was forced Munchausen's by proxy in the enjoyable direct-to-video caper Glass House: The Good Mother (2006). Boy, has she grown. She's found success on TV with Eureka but I don't watch TV so I won't know.

I can't remember if I cried:

A self-defecatin redneck pleads: "Can we at least wait until the place ain't jumpin' with gators? Because I got the heebie-jeebies and I ain't even know what the heebie-jeebies is."

Most memorable line:

"I was goin crazy here. I want somethin' more to life than drinkin' and huntin'. If I stayed here, I'd end up barefoot and pregnant, sittin' front of a porch, swattin' mosquitoes."

Watch out for:

This actress croaks as if the cancer from her smoking is infecting the air.By far the most interesting character. Is her name Amy Brassette?

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Undemanding audiences.

Well-marketed backwater entertainment for undemandin audiences, with a dash of humour and some pretty good music, too. Hell, they even left somethin in there for sequel ambitions.★1/2

Bonus material:

CG you later, alligator!