Movie 43 (2013)

Elizabeth Banks, along with some 40 others, were blackmailed to star in this film.

Shit and sex come together for the house bunny.

At a glance:

I'd like to think I could talk you out of this one but chances are you'd like to see for yourself, whatever you've read elsewhere about this bein the worst movie ever in general release. It's definitely a forerunner for the Razzies this year and probably in every category. Producer Peter Farrelly's criminally meaningless, unfunny and obnoxious Movie 43 (2013) deserves none of your hard earned dollars, but with an ensemble cast this juicy, you're likely to pay the nominal sucker fee, like I did. It's an R-rated comedy with the loosest of coherent narratives, gag after gag, put together by different directors. The film has 11 directors and 15 writers tied to it, each one writin and directin different segments. Highlights include; Hugh Jackman with an outrageous deformity on a blind date with Kate Winslet, a coprophilic Anna Faris forcin her poop fetish on reluctant boyfriend Chris Pratt, a home-schooled Jeremy Allen White growin up under extremist parents Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts, and lastly a dodgy super hero speed datin session with Justin Long, Uma Thurman, Jason Sudeikis and Kristen Bell. It's a circus.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Leslie Bibb, Justin Long and Jason Sudeikis in Movie 43.
Didn't know they were all so broke.

Well, the critics are unanimous on this one. It sucks balls. Hard. That's why there was no press preview and not too many of the stars attended the LA premiere. Prosthetic cocks, pubes, piss, period stains, poop - you name it, they've got it. Why did these stars subject themselves to such vulgar humiliation? Richard Gere and Kate Winslet are in this, fuck me.

Perennial wonderment:

Funny how only adults are allowed into this but probably only 9-year-olds would find it funny.

Yes, that's actually Gerard Butler playing a leprechaun.

Reminds me of:

Trash like Date Movie (2006) and all the other Movie movies.

Most memorable line:

None I can remember but Jason Sudeikis as an annoyin Batman is one of the more tolerable moments of the movie. His is probably the only funny character and he would've held his own in Kick-Ass (2010) or Super (2010).

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

A sympathetic narrator might have saved this but the skits are simply not funny. Every now and then I tried to will myself into a giggle, to make the best of it. Total walkouts I counted? Five. Promise me you won't pay for this one.★
(p/s I can feel my IQ droppin a few points just writin this review)

"I can see Batman under the table, Robin. It's a small table."

Bonus material:

Cock tattoo for Stephen Merchant, prosthetic tits for Halle Berry. Real classy!

People Like Us (2012)

"You're all wonderin whether I fuck my brother in this movie, right?"

At a glance:

Dreamworks together with longtime producer Alex Kurtzman on his directorial debut have come up with a fairly refreshin model of PG-13 rom-com in the winsome, LA-set People Like Us (previously titled Welcome To People), so it's a bit of a bum note if you, like me, suffered a generous, over-informative trailer. We know it's apparently loosely based on his life but did we have to get that much of a look-in? One should only know, walkin into this movie, that it's about a motor-mouthed strugglin salesman named Sam (Chris Pine, Star Trek, 2009), who learns that his estranged music producer dad has died and must now decide whether to fulfill his late father's wishes of passin $150,000 to his hitherto unknown sister Frankie (Elizabeth Banks, Man On A Ledge, 2012), an alkie mum with a troublemakin young son (Michael Hall D'Addario). Worry not - any chance of veerin into incestuous territory was snuffed out in about two seconds, much to the relief of the excitable zaftig woman a few rows in front of me who was heard shoutin "No, don't!"

Yep, I would.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Hmm... maybe another round of editin could've picked up the pace a little near the end. Also, Chris Pine is guilty of over-actin in patches.

Perennial wonderment:

Elizabeth Banks is doin super these days, isn't she? It feels like only yesterday she was in Zack And Miri Make A Porno (2008) with Seth Rogen. Reminds me of a younger Maria Bello. I believe she's the kind of actress Kristen Stewart can learn to be. Anyway, there's a notable turn in here from Michelle Pfeiffer who's still in the game, as it seems, playin the embittered mum. What a national treasure, she is. She had a small role in Dark Shadows recently, didn't she? I dislike Anne Hathaway for Catwoman in The Dark Knight Rises so much, I'd rather Michelle whip out that old black latex and show her how it's done right. 

Michelle Pfeiffer, dignified as ever.

Reminds me of:

Well this is nothin like it - but the last time I saw any movie with improper brother-sister conduct was Charlotte Gainsbourg in The Cement Garden (1993). That was an infinitely more unsettlin movie.

I can't remember if I cried:

No I didn't cry but the endin is a winner. Satisfyin stuff, elevatin this from decent counter-programmin filler to memorable date movie.

Most memorable line:

"Don't steal from a record store. That's like kicking a dead man." But it's the kid who's the scene stealer, though. His gems include "But it's like milk and vegetables!" when asked to defend eatin cheese and onion crisps before dinner.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Quite a personal family drama, with nuggets of lovely detail. Likeable, sharp dialogue. More than adequately scored by Bollywood maestro A.R. Rahman. ★★★ 1/2
Bonus material:
Here are photos that were mountin an incestuous relationship that never was. Phew!

Man On A Ledge (2012)

"Hi. I'm Genesis Rodriguez. This movie is so rubbish, they're gonna market it by findin a suitable scene to display by pinkest bits to you."

At a glance:

Self-explanatory heist thriller that unconvincingly stretches its four-word premise into 102 minutes of celluloid, written by the ghostwriter behind O.J. Simpson's book. Sam Worthington is the uncomfortable male lead, playin the titular role with a really lousy accent.

Bad news on the doorstep:

You might wanna jump off that ledge havin sat through the movie. Dodgy character arcs, weak dialogue, uninspired miscast actors and a story riddled with preposterous plot-holes left, right, centre. The romantic subplot between Jamie Bell (Adventures Of Tintin, 2011) and Genesis Rodriguez (TV's Entourage) is annoyingly unhelpful and in the case of the latter, particularly distractin to the proceedings, as she prances about with the best angle of her cleavage in full view all the time. Anthony Mackie and Edward Burns are in the wrong movie. The movie starts collapsin as soon as the premise is set and surprisingly makes no apologies endin on an over-simplistic note, devoid of credible resolution and even token emotional payoff. Lazy storytellin!

"Shit. Looks like a parking ticket."

Perennial wonderment:

How come Sam Worthlesston continues to be in big movies, one after another. He's very uneventful and doesn't have the charisma to do strong and silent like say, Jason Statham. The Aussie plays the same stoic fuck in every movie - Clash Of The Titans (2010), Avatar (2009) and Terminator Salvation (2009. The only time I saw him do slightly better was in Texas Killing Fields (2011) - a horrible mess of a movie, and an Australian movie called Somersault (2004).

Reminds me of:

Phone Booth (2002) and The Negotiator (1998) but those were good movies.

I can't remember if I cried:

When Ed Harris appears. He plays an unscrupulous businessman in the movie but really looks haggard. He actually looks worse than he did in character as a patient dyin from AIDS in The Hours (2002).

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Two stars, one each for Genesis Rodriguez' breasts - the most memorable aspect of this completely unnecessary movie. Avoid.

Trailer for the curious:

Bonus material:
Jamie Bell and Genesis Rodriguez bein interviewed. How insubstantial can these two get?