Movie 43 (2013)

Elizabeth Banks, along with some 40 others, were blackmailed to star in this film.

Shit and sex come together for the house bunny.

At a glance:

I'd like to think I could talk you out of this one but chances are you'd like to see for yourself, whatever you've read elsewhere about this bein the worst movie ever in general release. It's definitely a forerunner for the Razzies this year and probably in every category. Producer Peter Farrelly's criminally meaningless, unfunny and obnoxious Movie 43 (2013) deserves none of your hard earned dollars, but with an ensemble cast this juicy, you're likely to pay the nominal sucker fee, like I did. It's an R-rated comedy with the loosest of coherent narratives, gag after gag, put together by different directors. The film has 11 directors and 15 writers tied to it, each one writin and directin different segments. Highlights include; Hugh Jackman with an outrageous deformity on a blind date with Kate Winslet, a coprophilic Anna Faris forcin her poop fetish on reluctant boyfriend Chris Pratt, a home-schooled Jeremy Allen White growin up under extremist parents Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts, and lastly a dodgy super hero speed datin session with Justin Long, Uma Thurman, Jason Sudeikis and Kristen Bell. It's a circus.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Leslie Bibb, Justin Long and Jason Sudeikis in Movie 43.
Didn't know they were all so broke.

Well, the critics are unanimous on this one. It sucks balls. Hard. That's why there was no press preview and not too many of the stars attended the LA premiere. Prosthetic cocks, pubes, piss, period stains, poop - you name it, they've got it. Why did these stars subject themselves to such vulgar humiliation? Richard Gere and Kate Winslet are in this, fuck me.

Perennial wonderment:

Funny how only adults are allowed into this but probably only 9-year-olds would find it funny.

Yes, that's actually Gerard Butler playing a leprechaun.

Reminds me of:

Trash like Date Movie (2006) and all the other Movie movies.

Most memorable line:

None I can remember but Jason Sudeikis as an annoyin Batman is one of the more tolerable moments of the movie. His is probably the only funny character and he would've held his own in Kick-Ass (2010) or Super (2010).

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

A sympathetic narrator might have saved this but the skits are simply not funny. Every now and then I tried to will myself into a giggle, to make the best of it. Total walkouts I counted? Five. Promise me you won't pay for this one.★
(p/s I can feel my IQ droppin a few points just writin this review)

"I can see Batman under the table, Robin. It's a small table."

Bonus material:

Cock tattoo for Stephen Merchant, prosthetic tits for Halle Berry. Real classy!

Cloud Atlas (2012)

Cloud Atlas: Overambitious, three-hour ego trip? Or epic sci-fi splendour?

At a glance:

Tom Hanks a little behind Robert Downey Jr. on this one.

Many thought this movie was not possible, you can read. Eventually made for over US$100 mil on a peculiar split shootin arrangement between Tom Tykwer (Run Lola Run) and the Wachowski siblings (now that one of them has turned into a woman), Cloud Atlas (2012), with its stunnin, otherworldly trailer, is just about the most excitin, non-superhero movie that you'd have saved up to catch on IMAX this year. It runs for 172 minutes and chronicles six related stories, featurin an embarrassment of stars such as Tom Hanks, Halle Berry, Jim Broadbent, Hugo Weaving, Doona Bae, Jim Sturgess, James D'Arcy, Keith David, Hugh Grant, Ben Whishaw and Zhou Xun. The story is adapted from David Mitchell's 2004 book of the same name - a book that Natalie Portman apparently introduced to the twin directors on the set of V For Vendetta.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Jim Broadbent oughtta have known better than to be in this.

It's one of the most expensive, unnecessary and over-directed movies I've ever seen in my life. Talk about seethin sci-fi shyte - that's three hours of my life I'll never get back. Ebert has been slowly losin it these past few years and none more so than his unadulterated praise of this. You're either gonna be one of those people who gave this supposedly visionary movie an extended standin applause at the Toronto International Film Festival or you're sat here with me cursin your sore bum. The last time the Wachowskis took us on a ride through realms was in The Matrix (1999) and it worked despite the incredulity and disorientation because the audience is afforded the space and respect to establish links through strong characters and their compellin dialogue. Cloud Atlas is a confetti of visuals, thrown about to celebrate what flatters and deceives. I can barely hear what Tom Hanks mumbles half the time! A movie this grand, you'd think that when the pieces fall together in the end, you'd get a big emotional payoff that rewards you for keepin up. The reality is that this is a narrative many producers will avoid for years to come.

Jim Sturgess does a yellowface.
Strangely he spoke Cantonese as a Korean.

Perennial wonderment:
If there's one thing I can defend the movie on, it's against all the well-publicised MANAA bullcrap about not hirin Asians to play the Asian roles in the movie. It's actually vital to the context and integrity of the story that the same actors appear in multiple races and even different genders. Why don't these activist jokers go for bigger fish and leave this already doomed movie alone, eh?

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

While we at least can be consoled that the picture doesn't pivot entirely on a gimmicky M. Night Shyamalan twist (that you'd have to decide whether or not to buy), the central themes are lost in the sheer spectacle of it all, and drowned in a routine music score. This R-rated story could've been told in 30 other shorter, more accessible and less ambitious ways but it simply had to go for this serendipitous portrait of self-grandeur. To the rest of you who enjoyed this conceit, I envy your patience.★★