The Texas Roadside Massacre (2012)

Marina Resa does what it says on the tin in Roadside Massacre (2013).

"Where's my nincompoop casting agent?"

At a glance:

I wish I could give you more backstory about Scott Kirkpatrick's immediately trivial-soundin Roadside Massacre (2012) -- which is released on DVD and VOD in the U.K. as The Texas Roadside Massacre -- but I think the movie failed to get to a bigger audience and the official website had already expired. Anyway it's a micro-budget slasher about five college friends who take a detour and end up in the remote mountain town of Blueridge, where Karen (Marina Resa) believes her older sister went missin two years ago. After a few odd encounters with the locals, people go missin and shit starts hittin the fan -- apparently it has somethin to do with Jimmy's Rib Shack, the local barbie joint.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Good times.

Well, I'm not sure whether they didn't have the finances or the editin talent for it - but they can't seem to shoot even a simple car accident. A lot of action either happens offscreen or happens in a way that makes you wonder if it happened at all! I guess Roadside mostly suffers from a story has been done to death, not to mention how the birds in it aren't particularly lookers, nor do they dress (or undress) to compensate for it.

Perennial wonderment:

While the narrative is actually sound and you can follow all 80 minutes of it, I again wonder why people would feel compelled to go forward on so little. Ain't we seen this hicksploitation template a hundred times over? A dream's a dream, I guess.

Reminds me of:

Haha - do you have all day?

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Plenty of IMDb shills at work on this one, I see. Ah well, jog on.★★
Bonus material:

It's a teen eat teen world.

Deranged (2012)

Buxom Glaswegian babe Natalia Celino moved to Spain after starring in Deranged (2012).

How can you give away the killer in the poster itself?

At a glance:

Not to be confused with the Korean ecological thriller of the same name and year of release, I believe Neil Jones' rather disastrous Deranged (2012) is a very fittin title for this little vanity project by the lead Marcia Do Vales, a Brazillian actress who also produced and wrote it. If you can stand her distractin accent and classless demeanour, then you can try finishin this DVD. Other casts in this Spain-set slasher include Craig Fairbrass (Vikingdom, 2013), Victoria Broom (Zombie Women Of Satan, 2009) and the obligin Glaswegian talent Natalia Celino (Umbrage, 2009). It's about four chicks away on a bachelorette holiday at a remote country house.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Let's keep it short, lest it robs me of my time twice over. It's a low-budget genre piece with a several actors who keep things respectable but the effort is completely undone by a prologue and a poster that actually reveals who the killer is, right from the outset. This wouldn't have been a big problem if it had more goin for it but unfortunately, it doesn't. UK video store owner Dave Wain wrote a great review about how none of the girls are particularly likeable, singlin out the OTT performance from Marcia Do Vales, for she goes into moments of heightened tension soundin "like a Latino cookie monster".

Perennial wonderment:

Victoria Broom & Tabitha Quitman wonder how they'll live this one down.

Where's the labret gone, Natalia?
Oh well, have fun wherever you are.

Reminds me of:

Hmm... I didn't finish watchin Donkey Punch (2008), that other movie about British sluts holidayin in Spain. 

I can't remember if I cried:

Influx Magazine's Nav Qateel nails this one: "The best performance came when Marcia Do Vales (Gabby) lay dead on the floor, not speaking, or moving. Infinitely better than the scene right before she drops dead, where she makes a poor attempt at looking like she’s dying (shudder)."

Watch out for:

The very nice Natalia Celino, a Scottish bird with monstrous tits. She gives us an eyeful in one sex scene to which she really should've have agreed, but it's definitely her (you can tell from her eye of horus tatt on her right shoulder and her pierced chin). I think she used to be a stripper or somethin like that, but she's recently had another baby and just moved to Spain last month, accordin to her rather public Facebook page. Probably to escape from the shame of havin starred in this horrible movie!

"Dude, can you shine the light here a little?"

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

I see other interestin titles associated with Neil Jones - The Reverend (2011) and The Seasoning House (2012). As for this one, I'd say stay the fuck away.★1/2
Bonus material:
Check out the official website and Facebook fan page while it's still up.

Hard to imagine people going to its website and downloading wallpapers, really.

This is bad angle for a chick as hot as Natalia Celino. Shame on you, DOP!

Rape For Profit (2012)

Rape For Profit: Women and children are helpless victims and it's all men's fault.

At a glance:

Narrow and naive, to say the least.

Backed by executive producer Jada Pinkett Smith and her NGO Don't Sell Bodies, Eric Esau and Jason Pamer's Rape For Profit (2012) is a Mew Films documentary the Huffington Post apparently calls "disturbing and provocative", though of course the writer behind this randy movie review blog will dismiss as little more than a narrow and naive worldview of the world's oldest profession, based on a few prostitutes in downtown Seattle, or to use a more sympathetic term as advocated by the film's extremely one-sided take on the trade, "prostituted women". Culled from hundreds of hours of ridealong footage with Sea-Tac street crimes unit and the Seattle high-risk victims unit, this 86-minute film purports to take the audience undercover for an up-close look at the true nature of the sex trade. Hmm... surely a movie review on a documentary that is against the objectification of women does not belong on a blog that verily celebrates it such as mine?

Bad news on the doorstep:

Hmm... I wish I had a therapist who looks like this.

The only thing powerful about this documentary is how the supercharged cops shame and shout at pimps, not to mention how the filmmakers see fit to drive around ambushin customers in some sort of vigilante effort to administer guilt, to the extent of causin an accident. You see the pigs in made-for-camera Batman-type roles, brandishin their brand of law with healthy doses of morality lectures. Even more gung-ho are the filmmakers, who directly confront the johns and ask them how they could do it to their wives, why porn ain't enough and why they had to come out and act on it, with no intention of procurin a meaningful answer. Far from bein an insightful tell-all exposé, this is the moral catharsis of several well-intentioned individuals and their respective organisations whose hearts are no doubt in the right places, however the total demonisation of the johns and the total vindication of the girls reflect a painfully mainstream point of view. Footage of interviews with mayors, councillors, district attorneys and even industry experts who all endorse the same position seal this for me as a missed opportunity. If you truly believe people who say "very few women end up around the world in what we call prostitution without a history of prior sexual harm" and that porn is a dress rehearsal for men who look for hookers, then go ahead and watch it.

Kiddie porn?

Perennial wonderment:

Did you know that whores ask would-be customers to whip their dicks out so that they can filter out cops? Just about the only genuinely interestin thing I learned from this movie. Oh wait, I also learned that cops surf backpage.com and escort sites lookin for a lack of hip and waist development in under-aged girls that are advertised as barely legal. Haha!

Reminds me of:

All those we've lost along the way.

I can't remember if I cried:

Rape victim with a pretty sad general history of abuse.

Some of the horror stories shared by the victims are truly heartbreakin but the filmmakers' forceful handlin of the pimps and also the whores are so laughably didactic and deluded that I find the effort almost difficult to believe as an unstaged documentary. Among the include "Don't say sorry to me, say sorry to her", "Do you think she wanted to grow up to be in some alley to suck dick?" "You are happier here now! This is much better for you!" and "You're precious, you're a princess and you have value and worth and I'm sorry you didn't grow up hearing that." Bah.

Johns can't seem to spell right, can they?

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

The mention of Green River killer Gary Ridgway (a necrophiliac with a penchant for whores) and various other unhelpful content serve only to cloud the issue further, though I'm glad that cop did manage to get the 24-hour drop-in help centre open after so many years of tryin. Check out the official website and Facebook fan page for more info. However, if I were you, check out American Courtesans (2013), Whores' Glory (2011) or even I Am A Sex Addict (2005) for a less naive viewpoint, if not a more entertainin and fascinatin one.★★
Bonus material:

"It has been said that prostitution and rape are two sides of the same coin."

I saw this witty review on IMDb written by an American user called timlin-4. My sentiments on this film seem closest to this fella, so I'll publish it below verbatim, since I cannot better it.

The Bates Haunting (2012)

The Bates Haunting: Dawn Sobolewski gives a tit or two for the cause.

At a glance:

Byron Turk's feature debut The Bates Haunting (2012) was released yesterday on VOD, retitled from Welcome To The Bates Motel but ridin ever so shamelessly hard on the famed Hitchcock thriller. It's a low-brow slasher about moody small town girl Agnes Rickover (Jean Louise O'Sullivan), who witnesses her girlfriend's freak accident death at a local haunted amusement park, only to end up workin part-time at the very same attraction months later. As usual, people start dyin and Agnes is right at the heart of the mystery.

Bad news on the doorstep:

To be fair, there are some pretty committed SFX in here, not to mention some lines that almost transcends its decided mediocrity e.g. when Ryan Dunn (yes, the departed Jackass, God rest his soul) waits 40 minutes for a pizza, he complains it's "a shit-covered Frisbee and that the pepperoni look like Samoan nipples". The problem lies in the sound design and execution -- there's virtually no tension. Amateur performances plague the proceedings and the story simply doesn't have enough goin for it.

Jean Louise O'Sullivan plays sexy lead Agnes Rickover.

Perennial wonderment:

I thought that every slasher needs at least one good kill sequence?

Reminds me of:

Every other limp and lame horror I've been endurin this past month.

I can't remember if I cried:

"Mine!"

When I read the movie's tagline -- Some things are best left alone. I also can't believe the poster depicts a silhouette of a person with a knife behind some creepy house window. Was any of this in the movie? Should Anthony Perkins get a cut? Ha!

Most memorable line:

"Yeah, I'm pretty far from Norman Bates. You can call me ...normal Bates?"

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Not scary, not funny, not worth it. However, they did package it well with a con job poster and title, so I'm glad they got their movie out there.★★
The day the music died:

 R.I.P. Ryan Matthew Dunn (11 June 1977 - 20 June 2011)

Bonus material:
Here are some movie stills taken from the Bates Haunting official website. Also, check out the official Facebook fan page if you're still readin.

Byron Turk and Jean Louise O'Sullivan

Be My Slave (2012) @ 私の奴隷になりなさい

Mayama Akihiro flicks Mitsu Dan's bean in Be My Slave (2012).

Took this from the Facebook fan page.

At a glance:

Tôru Kamei's Be My Slave (私の奴隷になりなさい transliterated as Watashi no Dorei ni Narinasai) is an adult drama based on a Shu Satami novel, featurin model Mitsu Dan 壇蜜 (born Shizuka Saito) in the titular role. She plays an employee at a publishin company with some serious sexual needs, lurin a younger colleague (Mayama Akihiro) into her voyeuristic perversions before we're introduced to a game master fetishist (Itao Itsuji) who seems to hold all the cards. This movie reportedly "conjures up the spirit of classic Nikkatsu roman-poruno, a lineage solidified by the presence of Dan’s industry predecessor, Aya Sugimoto, who starred in the recent remakes of the old Hana to Hebi movies." If you know what that means, then you stand a better chance than me at appreciatin it.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Consider it your disclaimer that I really don't dig conventional Oriental porn, especially those Japanese ones with exaggerated resistance. So I'm not the kinda movie reviewer who'd know the difference between an AV model and a gravure idol. However, I did watch the extended, 111-minute director's cut of this full-frontal movie and I'm not glad to report that it failed to get a rise outta me, if you'd pardon the pun. The story is nothin new, the sex is unbelievably borin and Mitsu Dan ain't my idea of a good time, no matter how many dildos and vibrators she wants stuffed into all her orifices. Preferences aside, her unremarkable performance makes the whole movie pointless and borin to me.

What?

Perennial wonderment:

The sex appeal of docile Japanese women. I'm right at the other end of the spectrum here and usually find myself alone when friends gawk at diminutive, titless Asian girls.

Reminds me of:

That other sex movie that bored my tits off - Natali 3D 나탈리 (2010).

Watch out for:

The toy-assisted DP scene. You can actually spot Itao Itsuji lookin quickly to the cameramen for further instructions after givin Mitsu Dan a crisp slap on her arse. Talk about ruinin the mood!

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Mitsu Dan simulates a DP here for your viewing pleasure.

I'd recommend a rewatch of Tokyo Decadence (1992) if you're lookin for a similar fix. Anyway, check out the official website for more information about this unnecessary movie, if you understand Japanese.★★

Bonus material:

Like what you see? Well, there ain't much more where that came from.

Into The Woods (2012)

Ava Brunini as Stacy: "Can someone please get me out of this movie?"

At a glance:

Hadrian Hooks: "Just do it. Don't let anyone stop you."

We judge the player based on the play and this movie review blog is all about lookin out for respectable indie efforts that might otherwise just pass under the radar. That bein said, in this age of technology, too many movies have been made just because they could. I'm still reelin from havin sat through Money Shot (2013) the other day and now find myself endurin debut writer-director Hadrian Hooks' Into The Woods (2012), a labour of love that must mean a lot to him, as you can deduce from a rather frank interview with the man, who sounds like a nice enough fella. Completed quite some time ago and havin recently found DVD/VOD release, it's a horror-by-numbers shoestring project, about a group of friends who take up a bet to spend a night in the murderous woods of Hollywood Hills.

Bad news on the doorstep:

How we might be persuaded to watch the DVD.

While its low production values are apparent, especially considerin the limited funds at disposal for productions such as these, Into The Woods is not a place worth goin, largely due to a completely unremarkable story with little or no payoff at all. After one has forgiven all the poor angles, bad lightin and banal dialogue, it's still difficult to even remotely care for these cardboard characters who never say or do anythin interestin. Shoot me dead, they ain't even memorable enough to be dislikeable! Characters make up the all-important cinegredient that usually elevates any zero-budget horror flick to a level of respectable fun, whatever its compendium of shortcomings. Sadly, the pedestrian actors prove fatal to the enjoyment of the movie, so I hope Hooks starts from a better place should he decide to have another go at it in the future.

Perennial wonderment:

So painfully amateur.

When will the necessarily unintelligent people in horror movies stop queuin up to be slaughtered like helpless lambs?

I can't remember if I cried:

Yep. Precisely how I feel about the movie.

When I realised the movie's villain is hardly ever seen (not just due to the bad lightin), heard or explained.

Most memorable line:

The only moment in the movie with some semblance of originality is when Laila Odom's character says that black people don't go into the woods and that it's a white people thing.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

It hardly meets the minimum advertisin expectations I set for it after seein the poster. One of the few positives from the movie is that it's really short. Sorry mate, nothin here. So jog on.★1/2

186 Dollars To Freedom (2012)

Alex Meraz as vicious inmate Nicaragua, the most watchable character.
I think he's one of the Twilight wolves.

Peruvian beauty Anahi de Cardenas.

At a glance:

Camilo Vila's cool-soundin 186 Dollars To Freedom (2012), previously known as the less marketable The City Of Gardens, is a U.S.-Peru effort by Four Fish Films that superficially explores the sociopolitical horrors of Third World South America. Based on the true story of the film's writer-producer, Monty Fisher, we're clued in on a young blonde surfer livin happily with his beautiful girlfriend in 80s Lima, Peru, who naively lets his visa expire and finds himself behind bars in the notorious El Sexto prison. When ruthless Peruvian pigs discover the gringo in prison, they plant coke in his backpack to extort money from him and his Beverly Hills family. Wayne refuses to grease the wheels and quickly becomes a non-person, even to his own Embassy. The movie purports to depict the grim system of corruption, torture, prison violence and wholesale murder. Title is in reference to the precise amount he didn't wanna pay.

Bad news on the doorstep:

John Robinson is the lead while Johnny Lewis plays a Hare Krishna follower.
There always seems to be one in every prison movie, huh.

Iffy first words set us off on the wrong foot, but all the good camerawork and moody photography is undone by lead star John Robinson (Gus Van Sant's Elephant) who seems to take the dramatic weight away from the movie because it's difficult to care for his naive character or his languid performance. This unremarkable approach would've worked in a documentary but not here. Supportin characters appear very staged due to the corny narrative.

Michael DeLorenzo plays bent cop Gutierrez.

Perennial wonderment:

Village Voice writer Nick Pinkerton observes: "If one were to base one's knowledge of South America solely on the movies set there that make their way into theaters in these United States, one could be forgiven for taking away the impression that the continent's entire population is evenly divided between unwashed prisoners and aviator-shade-wearing secret police, and that its only industries are dilapidation and torture."

Reminds me of:

Mel Gibson's Get The Gringo (2012), an infinitely more enjoyable movie.

Watch out for :

Anahi de Cardenas who plays the female lead is easy on the eyes but she doesn't get too much to do. There's also a run-out here for one-time sex siren Deborah Kara Unger. Sure looks like it's been ages since the time she got fresh with Michael Douglas in The Game (1997).

"Take him, he's got a tighter arsehole!"

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

We definitely feel on location but the experience is not very emotionally rewardin. Oh well, at least it's not as pretentious as Oliver Stone's Savages (2012). For more information, check out its official website or its Facebook pages new and old. Me, I'd rather rewatch somethin like Prison On Fire (1987) any day. ★★1/2
Bonus material:
Here's Monty Fisher's statement about his first-hand experience and how the movie came about.

Alex Meraz and John Robinson in a brawl.

"I was waiting for a plane flight back to the United States. I had just escaped from the El Sexto prison in Lima, Peru and had secretly journeyed by car, bus and on foot more than a thousand miles to cross the border to freedom in Ecuador. I was exhausted by my ordeal, but I had one last night to "enjoy" in Latin America. I decided to see a movie. The movie was "Midnight Express", the true story about the American who almost lost his mind and life in a Turkish prison. I left the film shaking and in a trance. I could barely speak. Somehow, some day I promised myself that night, that I also would tell my story about my time in a Peruvian jail, and I too would show it on a big screen.

Double Xposure (2012) @ 二次曝光

William Feng 馮紹峰 and Fan Bing Bing 范冰冰 have zero chemistry together.

When will Fan Bing Bing go Hollywood?

At a glance:

Li Yu's heavily promoted Double Xposure (2012) a.k.a. 二次曝光 is a particularly mouth-waterin project for me because her previous Lost In Beijing (2007) a.k.a. 苹果 was such a delight to watch and here she gets to direct the mesmerisin Fan Bing Bing (范冰冰) again in yet another seedy Mainland dish. When these two get together, Fan almost always gets a sex scene or two and the poster invariably cashes in on her star appeal by depictin her in the throes of wet romance. We're introduced to a confident Fan as a plastic surgery consultant and her plastic surgeon boyfriend William Feng Shao Feng (馮紹峰) who is in fact two-timin her with her hedonistic bestie Huo Si Yan (霍思燕). The affair is soon uncovered to murderous ends but that ain't even what the movie is about, would you believe it.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Oh dear. Where's the script gonna go from here?

Yep, this quickly turned into an over-elaborate exercise in stylish futility, as the story implodes into almost a separate movie by the second half of its 105min run, upsettin genre expectations by rainin us down with too much information and iffy plot twists. There's no satisfaction to be drawn from the bizarre connections, leavin us with a lot of wasted cool CG work and soundmix to admire.

Yummy prospect. Undone by too much story.

Perennial wonderment:

When will Fan Bing Bing go Hollywood? I think she has one English-speakin role comin up, no?

Reminds me of:

Well, the initial frustration evokes Switchblade Romance (2003), that's for sure.

Watch out for:

Joan Chen (陳沖) as the clinic proprietor. She's unremarkable but reliable as always. Nice to see her get a run-out here.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

If this movie ended after the first plot twist, it would've at least been a competent mood piece. Unfortunately, the final product is a messy psychodrama that simply tried to do too much. I'm goin backwards now to check out Buddha Mountain (2010) a.k.a. 观音山, the last Fan-Li collaboration.★★
Bonus material:

Fairly watchable Chinese seductress Huo Si Yan 霍思燕

Heaven And Hell (2012) @ วงจรปิด

"Damn. I forgot the safe word."

At a glance:

If it ain't found footage or mobile phone recordings, it's CCTV. In the hands of the Thai, they'll make it an omnibus horror, as usual. Yuthlert Sippapak's Heaven And Hell (2012) a.k.a. วงจรปิด is a disjointed effort of three vignettes, the last two sittin better together than with the first (directed by his longtime cinematographer Tiwa Moeithaisong). It opens with Tiwa's black-and-white story - Ghost Legacy, about a pair of twins who inherit a haunted mansion from their dead grandfather. Next, we have Heaven 11, a slightly confusin episode about creepy teen love that culminates in a 24-hour convenience store, at the expense of two frightened CCTV technicians. The last, Hell No. 8, brings back this duo and puts them in a haunted apartment's lift where they try to fix the CCTV while chattin up two chicks.

Bad news on the doorstep:

These are the requisite tattoos to become a CCTV technician.

The middle bit, easily the strongest, could've been expanded to make an entire movie, instead of this dissonant mess. The decision to open with the weakest bit must be criticised, as I suspect many won't last the humourless silent movie treatment, with title cards to boot. It's also unfortunate that the last third descends into a full-on horror-comedy without much tension. Cheap-lookin ghosts are part and parcel of Thai movies within this range but it could really have done so much better with just a little structural tweak.

"Please. I need this stool to hang myself."

Perenial wonderment:
Does anyone know where I can get Thai box office results in English? Do drop me a line.  Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Prolific Thai movie critic Wise Kwai sees positives: "As scattershot Heaven and Hell is in terms of style and genre, there's an overarching theme of feminism, with strong female roles in Yuthlert's segments – the girl ghosts get their revenge." I'm less enthusiastic. This ain't 4bia (2008) or Phobia 2 (2009). Jog on.★★
Bonus material: