A Sister's Nightmare (2013)

Ahh... Natasha Henstridge. Species was a rite of passage for many wankers, literally.

At a glance:

You will forgive this writer for not resistin Natasha Henstridge in any form of visual entertainment, on account of the post-pubertal nostalgia of watchin Species (1995) for the very first time. You will forgive this writer, even if A Sister's Nightmare is a Lifetime telemovie and her glorious teardrop tits, now misshapen by the sands of time, remain covered throughout. The story? Oh, it's just a mystery thriller directed by Vic Sarin, about an embattled police officer (Kelly Rutherford) who is forced to welcome her older sister (Henstridge) into her home after 16 years of confinement in a psychiatric hospital.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Oh, the usual caricatures and predictable setups. It's also a little strange that the actress who plays the younger sister is six years older than her in real life, not that this had any bearin on just how the movie held up, goin into the last third where the dots connect all too easily. Every other character, like the feckless fiancé (Matthew Settle) and even the mysterious, aquaphobic daughter (Peyton List) merely embellish the backdrop, so we don't think this is a Stephen King story.

Kelly Rutherford looks a little like Ellie Goulding here, doesn't she?

Natasha Henstridge is a different species, these days.

Reminds me of:

The Hand That Rocks The Cradle (1992) and Glass House: The Good Mother (2006) but those were much better, of course.

Most memorable line:

Well I certainly don't remember any but check out this hilarious movie review by Jill O'Rourke at Crushable. Definitely more entertainin than what I've spluttered here or even the movie proper.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Canada will continue to breed such movies for many more years to come, surely. This particular one's a rushed exercise, but very serviceable for a lazy Sunday afternoon, I'd say. Keep your expectations low.★★★
Bonus material:

Wow. Time changes everything, huh?

The Victim (2011)

The incredibly tempting but titless scream queen Danielle Harris.

Real life lovers Michael Biehn and Jennifer Blanc.

At a glance:

The tagline asks: "Who is the victim?" Well, you mostly likely are, if you sat through this, like I did. The Victim (2011) is written and directed by Hollywood veteran Michael Biehn who couldn't resist also starrin in the damned thing, while castin his buxom wife Jennifer Blanc opposite him. Well actually, they started their own production house and this is the first of three pictures they shopped, I think. It's an R-rated effort about two sluts (Blanc and the equally trashy Danielle Harris) who are fixin to get it on with two police officers (Ryan Honey, Denny Kirkwood) in the woods but their tryst is compromised and Blanc's character escapes to a cabin inhabited by a mysterious loner (Biehn). Title refers to the guessin game we have to play, as we try to figure out their competin stories on just who is bein fucked over here.

Bad news on the doorstep:

Ryan Honey takes forever to come with Danielle Harris in The Victim (2011).

Jennifer Blanc-Biehn and Danielle Harris.

Reportedly shot over 12 days for US $800k, mostly in Topanga Canyon, close to Malibu, California, and marketed as grindhouse fare, helmer Michael Biehn apologetically said he "got the sex in, because I didn’t have money for special effects makeup, I didn’t have money for visual effects. I didn’t have money for crowd scenes of car chases, nothing like that and so I just went with the sex, dirty cops, drugs, a little bit of torture, and enough to do a little bit of action, and I threw in a serial killer." Well, that's all well and good but The Victim largely suffers from a structural issues i.e. unhelpful flashbacks and music that are well sourced but don't work. The onscreen sex between the husband and wife team is so sudden, it's hilarious. Biehn will always have his fans but I think Mrs. Biehn's actin and delivery still has some way to go. She's pushin 40 but she's got a voluptuous body, though.

Perennial wonderment:

What's the next level for Danielle Harris, I wonder? She's famous now after doin the Halloween and Hatchet movies, and I seem to always end up watchin her less illustrious appearances as well, such as Stake Land (2010), Cyrus (2010), ChromeSkull: Laid To Rest 2 (2011) and most recently Fatal Call before this favour to Michael Biehn.

Reminds me of:

Jennifer Blanc pleasures Denny Kirkwood in The Victim (2011).

Primal sex in the woods with betattooed women of loose morals... or was that all a dream sequence? Oh noooooooo ...
I can't remember if I cried:
What kind of girl would offer to give head in exchange for "living a little longer and doing something I've always enjoyed"? The kind of girl in a B-grade sexploitation flick, I guess. Oh, and what kind of guy would allow a girl to? An incredibly stupid one, that's for sure.

Most memorable line:

Some weak lines throughout but please do check out Michael Biehn's bizarre monologue on sociopaths in the closin scene, about "touching the face of God".

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Biehn at work.

Alan Cerny of Ain't It Cool News acquits The Victim as "a fun sleazy grindhouse film", in which Biehn was lauded for both givin a good performance and gettin good performances out of his actors. I can't say I can be as excited for it, but watchin the end credits reel does make me feel more forgivin towards the people behind it, who must've put in a lot of effort. I guess if I were Michael Biehn, this would definitely be somethin I'd proud to start out with. Good luck for your next try, sir. ★★1/2
Bonus material:

Danielle Harris. Not my kind of body type but she got heat, alright.

Hell Glades (2013)

Jenny Scordamaglia and Katie Rotolo have the best pair in Hell Glades (2013).

Pointless interracial horseplay scene:
Michael Malone and Sandy Jean.

At a glance:

How I wish I could take some hot chicks into the wetlands for eight days and muck about in the name of makin a movie. Just about anyone can make a movie these days, can't they? Just ask my fellow countryman Julian Cheah... or in this case, Aiden Dillard, who has carved a name sellin his movies like Meat Weed America (2007) to dodgy content distributors Troma Team Video. I think this Hell Glades farce never got shopped since its completion as far back as 2011 and only recently found itself on iTunes. Filmed in Immokalee and Miami Beach, it's a sun-soaked slasher with bikini-clad broads and an outlandish Native American villain named Coowahchobee. The synopsis reads: On Friday October 5th 2007, the first day of Columbus Day weekend celebration in the United States of America, a group of young women went camping in the Florida Everglades. They all disappeared under myserious circumstances, except for one. This is her story.

Bad news on the doorstep:

"Coowahchobee loves good head."

"With pretty petals like those, I'm sure his stamen
was hard pressed not to enter your pistil."

Well, what can I say. This is the cheapest cousin of Wild Things (1998) yet -- and I've seen me all of them. Curiously edited with a range of hard cuts and some fadeaway shots, it comes across like an action documentary with very low production values. The sound mix is so poor that swimming pool waves drown out the voice of a guy who narrates standin next to it. The worst thing about this movie though, is what is bein passed as actin. The delivery and timin of the lines are so outrageously hammy, it seems almost intentional. This in turn becomes an unexpected sellin point of the movie. If only they packaged it that way, it could've turned some heads. As it is, the laughable low-budget kills and horrible lightin is enough to make anyone switch off within the first 10 minutes.

Best actor: This barn owl.

Perennial wonderment:

The worst completed movie is still better than the best uncompleted movie, right? One day, I will test this.

Reminds me of:

Troma's The Toxic Avenger (1984) but that was curio piece with a lastin legacy. Hell Glades (2013) on the other hand, plays off scarcely better than a film school project you'd shoot with your parents' money. It's strange they had so many elements and used so many people for the effort. Aiden Dillard, if you're readin this - can you tell me what you had initially hoped to achieve by makin this movie?

I can't remember if I cried:

Please. Do. Not. Act. Again. Ever.

This fella named Ron Henry cannot act to save his life. If you're readin this, please sir, don't ever put yourself through the embarrassment again.

Most memorable line:

Well, this silly flick sure has some unusual writin. Imagine how in the first minute, a couple have sex in the woods and the girl goes: "Hey John, look at that owl, looks like it's watching us. Isn't that strange?" and he replies with a snigger: "Even the birds like to watch the bird and the bees." Other cringe-inducin lines include "That's where I keep my larger prey like bears panthers and other big pussies." and "Our love is like sandwich. You are ham, I am cheese."

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Robin Vernon groped by Seminole baddie in Hell Glades (2013).

Hell Glades in the hands of a more competent filmmaker would've had high chances of fallin into the category of films that are so bad, they're good. What kinda movie goes through the elaborate execution of havin their bustiest actress say lines like "With pretty petals like those, I'm sure his stamen was hard pressed not to enter your pistil." Should've been much more fun than this.★1/2
Bonus material:
I have loads of photos for you, culled from the official Hell Glades Facebook fan page.

What does the Arabic on Aban Sonia's chest say?

(L-R: Chelsea Harshman, Nicole Soden, Katie Rotolo, Jenny Scordamaglia, Belkys Galvez, Aban Sonia. Krelwear sponsors swimwear on last day of filming at Deauville Hotel, Miami Beach. Photo: Sid Graves.)

Bisikan Syaitan (2013)

"Why did you put the twist inside the synopsis ?!?! Why ?!?!"

Nabila Huda all sullen, like.

At a glance:

This might not be the longest 80 minutes of your life, but film editor Faizul Rashid's debut feature Bisikan Syaitan (2013) (literally: Satan's Whisper) suffers the stunnin marketin incompetence of havin a widely circulated synopsis that effectively reveals the big twist in the movie. Why do things like this still happen? What a fuckin waste of time it was for me. Who am I to ask for a replacement DVD or download voucher apology from Grand Brilliance producers Tengku Iesta Tengku Alaudin and Latiff Mohaideen for havin sat through this farce? Bisikan Syaitan is a sorry shyte excuse of a supernatural horror, shot at Frasers Hill and Kuala Kubu Baru for a reported RM 1.5m. It opened in Malaysia last month, rakin in some RM 790k.

Bad news on the doorstep:

"Can't you give me a better T-shirt?"

If that's not bad enough, stick around and run through the genre tropes with me. This movie is about 20 or 30 years behind time, with all its cardboard characters and cheesy scare scenes. Maybe some of these actresses take the term Scream Queen in horror movies to mean you have to scream an awful lot. Screamin at the top of your lungs in every distress scene is not actin! Nabila Huda is ace in any bohsia role but she's no scream queen. The other actress, Wan Sharmila, commands no screen presence and apparently a steamy scene between her and Fizz Fairuz was lost to the censors.What's left? A Tweety t-shirt and a whole lot of screamin.

Perennial wonderment:

How many times have we seen a good premise on paper, completely lost to rubbish execution? Maybe that's why some of the older MIG horror flicks were quite watchable -- they had some measure of pace and execution, to mask its inadequate story. Workin with Nanie Ishak's script that
has everythin from watermelon and coconut juice to human placenta and explodin computer screens, how did it turn out so bad? Whispers here, whispers there. Whispers do not make a movie!

Reminds me of:

The last time I enjoyed a horror movie at home was 9-9-81 (2012) a few weeks ago. In a cinema? Probably as far back as Laddaland (2011).

I can't remember if I cried:

"Hey yo wassup you hospital folks y'all? Where da party be at?"

Dynas cameos as a doctor. Talk about bein miscast. All that flowin hair, walkin in and out of ORs like it's a Pantene ad. When will they learn? Wotta joke. What can you expect from a movie that screws up the font spacin in its title cards?

Farrah Nadia

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Doe-eyed child actor Farrah Nadiah is by far the best thing about this terrible effort, though I can't knock Fizz Fairuz for anythin. I can't believe them guys left that cliched last scene in the final cut. You know I'm only angry because I care. This was a piss poor project, even for the undemandin local standards. Back to the drawin board, fellas.★1/2
Bonus material:

"You're under arrest for starring in a criminally poor movie."

Do Not Disturb (2013)

Tiffany Shepis shows us her bra. That's about as interesting as it gets.

New Terminal Hotel is now Do Not Disturb.

At a glance:

B.C. Furtney's baby Do Not Disturb (2013) started out as New Terminal Hotel before some three years of distribution delays in development hell landed it where it is now, repackaged under Image Entertainment for DVD release. It's a lo-fi revenge thriller with just enough gore to make it a horror, about a screenwriter fella named Don Malek (Stephen Geoffreys) who seems holed up in a seedy hotel with somethin in store for all the folks that come his way, like the wheelchair-bound, ex-Marine paraplegic neighbour Spitz (Ezra Buzzington) and his publishing agents Ava Collins (Tiffany Shepis) and Carter Ball (James Grabowski), not to mention the snaky studio suit Stanley Glissberg (Anthony Colliano) -- a man who was cleared for the murder of Don's lover.

"Is this movie over yet?"

Bad news on the doorstep:

Any synopsis you read out there is an awesomely written summary of what is actually a grossly underwhelmin story that barely manages to be coherent. Populated by talky characters who are played by miscast actors, it's slow burn tedium for 85 minutes. Several reviewers have found a savin grace in lead actor Stephen Geoffreys (Fright Night, 1975) but I couldn't buy him for a minute as a creative writer guy. There is a fatal dread to the script I think few can sit through, even after you pardon its primitive sound design and basic camerawork due to budget constraints.

"Screw you, haters."

Perennial wonderment:

I like lookin at Tiffany Shepis. Never see much of her, though. I watched Cyrus (2010) but I hated that.
Reminds me of:
Night At The Golden Eagle (2001) and The Million Dollar Hotel (2000) for some strange reason. Those were better movies, of course.

I can't remember if I cried:

"Do I really have to?"

When I read that the late Corey Haim was simply written into the movie because he was accompanyin then-fiancée Tiffany Shepis on set. Well, at least that explains why his role as a has-been rock star barfly was completely superfluous. What was inexplicable was the 80s star's horrible British accent.
Most memorable line:
None.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
I'd put this one down as a painstakin and valiant attempt to salvage a deeply flawed product. Jude Felton over at thelairoffilth.com reports that there aren't any extras on the DVD but still felt the film is enjoyable enough to check out. I'm obviously less enthusiastic about it but you can give it a go at your own peril.★1/2

The day the music died:

R.I.P. Corey Ian Haim (23 Dec 1971 – 10 March 2010)

Blackout (2013)

Chelsea Reeves riding a disinterested Timothy Woodward Jr in Blackout.

Does Bill Oberst Jr
know what he's doing here?

At a glance:

Matthew K. Hacker's maiden feature film Blackout (2013) is a shoestring budget murder mystery currently on VOD release, so let's cut him some slack whenever we can. After a drunken night out at a strip bar with friends, our lead character Harley (Timothy Woodward Jr) is rudely awakened by his sexy fiancée Sophie (Chelsea Reeves) who refuses to relieve his mornin wood, instead hurryin him for an all-important meetin with her lawyer dad which would seal his position as hotshot junior partner at their firm. Shit is afoot when he discovers a dead woman in the shower and he doesn't remember a damned thing. Two other characters in this skeleton story are his best friend Alfred (Robert Covington) and the creepy concierge Rommel (Bill Oberst Jr) in his building.

Bad news on the doorstep:

I would love to wake up to this. Wouldn't you?

South Carolina native Timothy Woodward Jr carries the charmless frat guy feel and he's very far from bein a polished actor - but he has managed to turn in the kind of dodgy performance that makes you stick around to see if it improves, so that's a start, I guess. The biggest problem is with the movie plot. It's a disaster with several questionable characters and the subsequent arcs they take. The awful endin, particularly, plays like it was thrown in because they didn't know where else to run with it.

Perennial wonderment:

As long as you get your movie out there, it's gotta be some sort of success, right?

Reminds me of:

Wotta mess. Then again, I must've done worse in my time.

Most memorable line:
None.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Come to think of it, I'm not too absolutely certain what happened in this movie. Did they lose their minds when they were writin the story? Lookin at the movie title, the pun is all too easy to make. Let's have mercy.★★

"Shit. Should've killed a skinnier bird. How am I gonna move all this fat!"

Jug Face (2013)

Jungle jism: Lauren Ashley Carter loves incestuous in-and-outs in Jug Face.

At a glance:

Jug Face (2013) is about face jugs.

Backwater bad religion and sibling sex come together swimmingly in the impressive indie Jug Face (2013). By all accounts, debutant writer-director Chad Crawford Kinkle is gonna have a great career ahead of him. That's if the gods of hillbilly horrors and the supernatural slasher genre will stick around to preside over a few generations more of Southern Gothic inbred killers and the horror DVDs they sell. Here, we closely follow an isolated community from the animated opening credits through to a grim, deterministic end. It's a tight little village story about young Ada (Lauren Ashley Carter), who's supposed to be a nubile virgin about to marry straight-laced Bodey (Mathieu Whitman) but she hides a bun in the oven, an unspeakably incestuous one co-baked with her brother Jessaby (Daniel Manche) at that. Running parallel to this story is another village secret. There's a magic pit in the woods that sends its sacrificial wishlist by way of visions to a seer named Dawai (Sean Bridgers) who happens to be the village halfwit. Every season, this reluctant potter will fashion a clay jug bearing the face of the next intended and the villagers will offer up a blood sacrifice via slow-drip. Wotta fresh spin! Bring on the mystery and the moonshine, fellas.

Bad news on the doorstep:

"The pit wants what the pit wants."

Not a big issue but some didn't like the CG aspects, however little, for they do remind us how cheaply the movie was put together. Make-up FX veteran Bob Kurtzman is attached to this, so I wonder if there were better ways to film the more demanding apparitions we see. Others note the underpopulated village as another down point that took us out of the experience. Also, the somewhat muted ending seems to wanna hold itself back unnecessarily. I'd have fancied a stronger finish.

Perennial wonderment:

"Please, sir. Can we have a sequel?"

If you're wondering where you've seen big-eyed brunette Lauren Ashley Carter before, she's the younger sister in The Woman (2010). Lass sure has blossomed nicely, eh? Birds like these do so swell in horrors playing the dishevelled innocent.

Reminds me of:

A refreshing evil blend of Terribly Happy (2008), The Breed (2008), The Shrine (2010) and M. Night Shyamalan's The Village (2004).

Most memorable line:

"The pit wants what the pit wants."

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Confident piece of storytelling. Even the music is good and adds value to the package. Definitely several cuts above the usual crap lately. Check out the official website and the Facebook fan page for more info.★★★1/2

"Open further and lemme see that smelly snatch, you ungrateful whore!"

No One Will Know (2012)

Ben Bledsoe and Kelly Curran after a morning fuck in No One Will Know (2012).

At a glance:

No one will know we're following Hitchcock, right?

The tagline says not even those closest to you know the truth and the movie title is No One Will Know but everyone knows this movie, alright. Murder mystery by numbers. If you've caught this recent Osiris Entertainment DVD release, then you've revisited just about every genre cliche there is in the book. You can read about director Raj Reddy and how the "major influences were Hitchcock films, particularly Psycho, and Christopher Nolan’s Following. David Fincher’s film The Game also was an influence." You still here?
Bad news on the doorstep:
All too familiar, without bringing something fresh to the table. Some rather shallow performances with some very uninspired angles. Generic suspense music and there's a very odd track in the beginning that makes it feel like we're watching The O.C. or One Tree Hill.

Perennial wonderment:

It's not gonna end well, is it?

Sometimes I think that people who fail to convey the desperation or fear in movie characters have little understanding of what makes a person commit murder, adultery etc. I often think about how the presence of just one experienced or more intelligent person on set can make things better and point people in the right direction.

Reminds me of:

A lowbrow indie about a young couple trying to hide a fresh corpse under the floorboards of their living hall throughout their engagement party? I kept being reminded of Alfred Hitchcock’s Rope and the Edgar Allan Poe short story I read as a kid, The Tell-Tale Heart. Well whaddya know, those two are precisely what writer Logan Leikam said the movie was inspired from.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

A competent and flawed attempt but from the behind-the-scene stills, the crew must've had some fun at least. I believe what broke it for me was that there's little to like about the lead pair. Better luck next time.★★
Bonus material:
Go check out the official Facebook fan page for more photos.

Ben Bledsoe and Jesse Draper