Sunday, 13 October 2013

A Sister's Nightmare (2013)

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Ahh... Natasha Henstridge. Species was a rite of passage for many wankers, literally.
At a glance:
You will forgive this writer for not resistin Natasha Henstridge in any form of visual entertainment, on account of the post-pubertal nostalgia of watchin Species (1995) for the very first time. You will forgive this writer, even if A Sister's Nightmare is a Lifetime telemovie and her glorious teardrop tits, now misshapen by the sands of time, remain covered throughout. The story? Oh, it's just a mystery thriller directed by Vic Sarin, about an embattled police officer (Kelly Rutherford) who is forced to welcome her older sister (Henstridge) into her home after 16 years of confinement in a psychiatric hospital.
Bad news on the doorstep:
Oh, the usual caricatures and predictable setups. It's also a little strange that the actress who plays the younger sister is six years older than her in real life, not that this had any bearin on just how the movie held up, goin into the last third where the dots connect all too easily. Every other character, like the feckless fiancé (Matthew Settle) and even the mysterious, aquaphobic daughter (Peyton List) merely embellish the backdrop, so we don't think this is a Stephen King story.
Kelly Rutherford looks a little like Ellie Goulding here, doesn't she?
Natasha Henstridge is a different species, these days.
Reminds me of:
The Hand That Rocks The Cradle (1992) and Glass House: The Good Mother (2006) but those were much better, of course.

Most memorable line:
Well I certainly don't remember any but check out this hilarious movie review by Jill O'Rourke at Crushable. Definitely more entertainin than what I've spluttered here or even the movie proper.

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Canada will continue to breed such movies for many more years to come, surely. This particular one's a rushed exercise, but very serviceable for a lazy Sunday afternoon, I'd say. Keep your expectations low.★★★
Bonus material:

Wow. Time changes everything, huh?

Tuesday, 1 October 2013

Orc Wars (2013)

Orc Wars are fought with semi-automatics, shotguns, tasers, Indian medicine men, rednecks and even elven princesses with bad dye-jobs who do jumping front kicks.

Dragonfyre The Worldgate Sentinel?
Not a bad poster, frankly.
At a glance:
Orc Wars by Kohl Glass is worth a look-see, if only to do some background readin to understand whether orcs are trademarked or copyrighted entities. Sorry, I'm equally ignorant about Tolkien's works and German folklore. I've never seen the 2001 movie Orcs! either. Anyway, I just read from producer Kynan Griffin a few hours ago that the movie will be known as Dragonfyre: The Worldgate Sentinel in some markets. The story? Not too sure, wasn't really payin too much attention. It's a fantasy flick, with some kinda mixed realm or time travel plot, involvin this ex-army redneck (Rusty Joiner) who buys a remote ranch in the country despite the cutthroat market without even lookin at the property. You get hand grenades, tasers, swords and sub-machine guns, not to mention CGI dragons, white elven witches and a whole lotta Orcs, chasin after this one warrior huntress chick (Masiela Lusha) who looks like Shakira with a worse dye-job.
Bad news on the doorstep:
When they're not shootin a Lord Of The Rings or Hobbit movie, I suppose you can have all the Orc costumes on the cheap. Frank Veenstra over at Bobafett1138 pardons the cheapness but finds it particularly annoyin that all modern Orcs sound like they walked in from the Peter Jackson movies.
Perennial wonderment:
"So... err... gimme all your gold, fool."
Let me give you an example or how absolutely frustratin this can get sometimes. See this frame right here? The chick lands on her feet dramatically after doin some kungfu shit, but you can hardly see the blade or her boobs. The scene just ends like that. What a waste!
Reminds me of:
Timeline (2003) starrin Gerard Butler, Paul Walker and Frances O'Connor. That was a neat little timewaster that was very serviceable, though.
Masiela Lusha plays the elven princess.
I can't remember if I cried:
When the Indiana Jones character whips out two pistols and starts shootin Orcs within the openin five minutes. That's when I went to the fridge to look for snacks.
Most memorable line:
I'd be damned if I remembered any lines at all.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Not unwatchable, lest you think I'm bein too harsh. However, it's hard to get into the mood with all the ATVs and grenades soundin off, while both the good guys and the bad guys hardly register a significant note. Well, if you're hardly payin attention, the adventure is largely inoffensive. Do check out its official Facebook fan page for more info.★★
Bonus material:
Director signing off DVD copies to send to the Kickstarter financiers who donated to the cause. The Orcs thank you guys for lunch, I'm sure.