The Ouija Experiment (2011)

Eric Window: "Baby, I promise you. It's not gonna be on YouTube.
It's not gonna be on Sex Tube. The only place it's gonna be is on my tube."

Miranda Martinez scar
(SFX makeup artist Josh Fread)

At a glance:
Apparently shot with just $1,200, filmmaker Israel Luna (Ticked-Off Trannies With Knives, 2010) has completed The Ouija Experiment (2011), now sensibly retitled The Realm for its DVD release, in an attempt to either avoid legal wrangles with Hasbro head honchos or sound less like a bargain bin staple. Unfortunately, the package cannot escape its poor "found footage" pedigree, not even in its very first few minutes when most movies of its ilk would succeed in flatterin to deceive. It opens with a pretentiously weak title card about the titular occult object and a very annoyin actress of Vietnamese descent named Belmarie Huynh. She's soon followed by a motley crue of similarly inane and disengagin characters with their embarrassingly hammy lines.

Bad news on the doorstep:

It's the kind of movie I'd really look forward to if all my friends are in it.

Perennial wonderment:

Surely you'd ask about lottery numbers
instead of cheating boyfriends, no?

When will this genre bring somethin new to the table? Here's a list of some of the ho-hum found footage films I've sat through recently - The Tunnel Movie (2011), Another Kind (2011), The Jungle (2013) and Absence (2013). Of all these, The Ouija Experiment is certainly no better.

Reminds me of:

The last ouija board effort I watched was Ouija (2007) a.k.a. Seance. That was a Filipino effort by Topel Lee and it had a hot chick or two at least.

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

"Whattt???"

Maybe if they had just shot the ouija-playin bits in a conventional format and then added the elaborate 10-min flashback sequence towards the end, it would've worked better. Also, the fact that there's also a video webchat interface midway when the characters contacts someone online fatally takes us out of the "found footage" experience. Oh, well. You can check out its official Facebook fan page for more information. Otherwise, jog on.★1/2

Bonus material:

Leah Diaz as Gracie.

Heaven And Hell (2012) @ วงจรปิด

"Damn. I forgot the safe word."

At a glance:

If it ain't found footage or mobile phone recordings, it's CCTV. In the hands of the Thai, they'll make it an omnibus horror, as usual. Yuthlert Sippapak's Heaven And Hell (2012) a.k.a. วงจรปิด is a disjointed effort of three vignettes, the last two sittin better together than with the first (directed by his longtime cinematographer Tiwa Moeithaisong). It opens with Tiwa's black-and-white story - Ghost Legacy, about a pair of twins who inherit a haunted mansion from their dead grandfather. Next, we have Heaven 11, a slightly confusin episode about creepy teen love that culminates in a 24-hour convenience store, at the expense of two frightened CCTV technicians. The last, Hell No. 8, brings back this duo and puts them in a haunted apartment's lift where they try to fix the CCTV while chattin up two chicks.

Bad news on the doorstep:

These are the requisite tattoos to become a CCTV technician.

The middle bit, easily the strongest, could've been expanded to make an entire movie, instead of this dissonant mess. The decision to open with the weakest bit must be criticised, as I suspect many won't last the humourless silent movie treatment, with title cards to boot. It's also unfortunate that the last third descends into a full-on horror-comedy without much tension. Cheap-lookin ghosts are part and parcel of Thai movies within this range but it could really have done so much better with just a little structural tweak.

"Please. I need this stool to hang myself."

Perenial wonderment:
Does anyone know where I can get Thai box office results in English? Do drop me a line.  Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Prolific Thai movie critic Wise Kwai sees positives: "As scattershot Heaven and Hell is in terms of style and genre, there's an overarching theme of feminism, with strong female roles in Yuthlert's segments – the girl ghosts get their revenge." I'm less enthusiastic. This ain't 4bia (2008) or Phobia 2 (2009). Jog on.★★
Bonus material:

Lovely Molly (2012)

This is a horsefuck of a horror movie, literally.

At a glance:

Back in 1999, Cuban-born filmmaker Eduardo Sánchez and film-school buddy Daniel Myrick shot The Blair Witch Project, a micro-budget movie that went on to gross US $248-million worldwide. Kurt Loder notes how Sánchez has since made a few more pictures, none of them especially successful, and we can imagine his dismay in watchin Oren Peli’s three Paranormal Activity films - obvious Blair Witch descendants - rake in more than half a billion dollars. Thus, perhaps, the director’s return to the arena of his early breakthrough. In Lovely Molly (limited release in 2012), we get a supernatural horror with faint psychosexual themes of guilt and abandonment. The titular character, ex-druggie Molly (Gretchen Lodge), moves into her childhood home with new husband Tim (Johnny Lewis) once both her parents pass away. Soon however, we're thrown into a haunted house exercise and left decidin whether there's really a minotaur-like demon in the house or is her psychosis due to the joint that her sister Hannah (Alexandra Holden) started her off on.

Hands up who'd rather see Alexandra Holden (R) in Gretchen Lodge's (L) lead role?

Bad news on the doorstep:
The good news is that it's not a full "found footage" affair, especially since the last big one we know, The Devil Inside (2012) really sucked. The bad news is that you seem to need to watch some videos on its official website to complete your understandin on the occult backstory.

"Why are you always naked and why do you always smell like horse?"

Otherwise, the strength of the movie depends on just how watchable you find newcomer Gretchen Lodge, who admittedly puts in a fearless, full frontal performance. She gets to do a spot of nasty as the unlovely Molly and obliges with aplomb, although I wouldn't put her in the same league as say, Cécile De France in Haute Tension a.k.a. Switchblade Romance (2003), despite her committed turnarounds between demure supermarket employee and deranged druggie on heat, which memorably include a hearty breakfast romp on the kitchen floor - the only one I care to remember since Eva Green in The Dreamers (2003). Nevertheless, Sophie Blum wrote how Lovely Molly is incoherent, sexist, and derivative; preferrin Béatrice Dalle's carnivorous kiss in Claire Denis' Trouble Every Day (2001) where the female protagonist doesn't get reduced to a ravin succubus (or at least made a sympathetic ravin succubus). Me, I just want more demon backstory.

The demon pin I didn't get.

Perennial wonderment:

What is up with that stone tablet with the horse head motif? It got sent out to the press as a promo item and got us googlin what the fuck is an Orobas.

Reminds me of:
Stephen King stories.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Solid sound design and music score but the average horror fan will find this borin, I'm sure. Ultimately, not a very scary movie at all. ★★

Alexandra Holden wouldda been poised for a sequel
considering how her character arc begs for it.
No chance since the movie sucked.

Was it as good for you as it was for me?

 Bonus material:

Twitchfilm's Todd Brown calls it the finest film of Sanchez' career and notes how there's virtually nothin he would change other than an unnecessary epilogue, choosin to tag the movie's appeal to just how much an audience would relate to the main character. He coincidentally also introduced the film and conducted a live Skype interview with director Eduardo Sánchez at a Bloor Cinema screenin I attended, thanks to Rue Morgue and M.O. Pictures. I managed to ask a question about the possibility of a sequel, to which Sánchez muddied into a question on whether it should follow the sister or the mother (read: Nope, no sequel). He also confirms that he's shootin a Bigfoot movie currently titled Exists (2012).

Earlybirds at a midnight screening I attended in Toronto.
Photo taken on 26 May 2012, The Bloor Cinema.

Director Eduardo Sánchez via Skype with Twitchfilm's Todd Brown.
Photo taken on 26 May 2012, The Bloor Cinema.

Technology is awesome indeed, even if the film wasn't so hot.
Photo taken on 26 May 2012, The Bloor Cinema.

Cast & Crew (L-R): Gretchen Lodge, Johnny Lewis, Eduardo Sánchez & Alexandra Holden

The Devil Inside (2012)

"Please don't hate me for starrin in this movie."

At a glance:

Early contender for Con Job Movie Of The Year. Another 'found footage' horror in the vein of the Paranormal Activity movies. About a girl, Isabella Rossi (Fernanda Andrade, pic) whose mum killed three people while bein exorcised years ago. Benefits from a strong trailer featurin the very scary-lookin mum (Suzan Crowley), which doubles as a Bonjela ad.

Yet another misleadin con job visual:
a woman that appears for half a second only
and has no bearin on the movie whatsoever. 

Bad news on the doorstep:

At the Malaysian premiere where I watched this, a Malay couple left within 10 minutes of the proceedings. I wished I followed them out but me mum seemed to be enjoyin herself. Maybe they didn't dig Saint Barnabas and all this Vatican palaver but boy oh boy does this movie have some credibility problems. Multiple stream recordings give a very technical killjoy effect to the 'found footage' concept of horror. This lazy, superficial and ridiculous movie skims through all the token possession movie horror elements and also culminates in one of the most annoyin and frustratin endings in recent memory. I feel it's my social responsibility to warn you off films like these.

Perennial wonderment:

How come we're back to censorin the swearin? I watch these possession movies just to hear foul devilspeak about crucifixes in cunts (like Linda Blair in The Exorcist, 1971) and was disappointed to find that a little of its already short 83mins were cut.

Reminds me of:

Exorcismus a.k.a. The Possession Of Emma Evans (2010) but at least that wasn't a con job despite not bein a very good film.

I can't remember if I cried:

When "Connect the cuts, connect the cuts..." was subtitled as "Tafsirkan luka saya, tafsirkan luka saya..."

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?

Half a star. Plenty of loud groans from the exit crowd guaranteed.
Trailer for the curious: