Wednesday, 29 February 2012

The Devil Inside (2012)

"Please don't hate me for starrin in this movie."
At a glance:
Early contender for Con Job Movie Of The Year. Another 'found footage' horror in the vein of the Paranormal Activity movies. About a girl, Isabella Rossi (Fernanda Andrade, pic) whose mum killed three people while bein exorcised years ago. Benefits from a strong trailer featurin the very scary-lookin mum (Suzan Crowley), which doubles as a Bonjela ad.
Yet another misleadin con job visual:
a woman that appears for half a second only
and has no bearin on the movie whatsoever. 
Bad news on the doorstep:
At the Malaysian premiere where I watched this, a Malay couple left within 10 minutes of the proceedings. I wished I followed them out but me mum seemed to be enjoyin herself. Maybe they didn't dig Saint Barnabas and all this Vatican palaver but boy oh boy does this movie have some credibility problems. Multiple stream recordings give a very technical killjoy effect to the 'found footage' concept of horror. This lazy, superficial and ridiculous movie skims through all the token possession movie horror elements and also culminates in one of the most annoyin and frustratin endings in recent memory. I feel it's my social responsibility to warn you off films like these.
Perennial wonderment:
How come we're back to censorin the swearin? I watch these possession movies just to hear foul devilspeak about crucifixes in cunts (like Linda Blair in The Exorcist, 1971) and was disappointed to find that a little of its already short 83mins were cut.
Reminds me of:
Exorcismus a.k.a. The Possession Of Emma Evans (2010) but at least that wasn't a con job despite not bein a very good film.
I can't remember if I cried:
When "Connect the cuts, connect the cuts..." was subtitled as "Tafsirkan luka saya, tafsirkan luka saya..."
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Half a star. Plenty of loud groans from the exit crowd guaranteed.
Trailer for the curious:

Tuesday, 28 February 2012

The Woman (2011)

"So do you think I need to do in my thighs?"
At a glance:
For best results, read no further than the director's statement I've pasted for you here: “THE WOMAN is an exploration of the very definition of horror. It is designed to incite feelings of fear, shock, nervousness, dismay, anxiety and disgust. It is designed to make you question what it is to be civilized, what it is to be feral and all the shades of gray in between. On a surface level, the film will make you jump, it will make you squirm and, for the more sensitive, it might even induce nausea. It will make you question my intentions in making it, as well as your own desire to watch it." Okay, he might be oversellin but I don't doubt the idea. Yet another fruitful foray into disturbia, scary story writer Jack Ketchum follows up his Offspring (2009) book and movie with filmmaker Lucky McKee (that was shyte, by the way). To think they co-wrote this script and movie tie-in novel together at the same time via instant messenger! It follows that story, pickin up on the fate of the last survivin member of a cannibal clan.

Bad news on the doorstep:
Have you seen Ketchum's equally disturbin earlier story in the movie The Girl Next Door (2007)? It can get a bit self-engrossed. The odd rock music might put you off, too - though I see it was liked enough to be sellin as a soundtrack. Then again, they're even sellin replica The Woman lawn mower blades on Amazon as a horrorphile collectible, so maybe that's not sayin anythin. 
Perennial wonderment:
Pollyanna McIntosh. She makes an illiterate hissin cavewoman so watchable. This role was quite demandin. I think I'll revisit her "smart, sassy and sexy"
turn (Empire Magazine) in Brit thriller Exam (2009) after this.
"Okay! Okay! I'm Scottish!"
Reminds me of:
Day Of The Woman a.k.a. I Spit On Your Grave (1978) and Thriller: A Cruel Picture (1974).
I can't remember if I cried:
When our friend gets some
Most memorable line:
Arrrghh. Euuuww. Grrrrr. Hisssss. Eeeek.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Three stars for knowin what it wants to achieve. This is way better than the first Offspring (2009) because there's less talk and more action. A fable dripped in misandry and violence. Put the kids to sleep and enjoy. 
Trailer for the curious:
video
Bonus material:
Do we look like a well-adjusted, cereal-eatin suburban family to you?
"That's it! I've had it with your bra-burnin, bushy-armpit feminists!"
"So... do you shave?"
"Gimme some shampoo or I'll drive this through your stomach."
"I don't really think this outfit looks good on me."
"Can you make her uglier around the mouth, please?"

Thursday, 23 February 2012

The Woman That Dreamed About A Man (2010) @ Kvinden Der Drømte Om En Mand

Extra-marital sex on European parquet. Nice.
Superman StaminaAt a glance:
There's this Danish filmmaker called Per Fly - he shoots stylish movies and this Euro erotica is a good example. The Woman That Dreamed About A Man @ The Woman That Dreamed Of A Man @ Kvinden Der Drømte Om En Mand is mostly in English and features chiefly three characters only - a successful Danish fashion photographer called Karen (Sonja Richter), her husband Johan (Michael Nyqvist) and her Polish lover Maciek (Marcin Dorocińsk). After a chance encounter, the cheatin pair start havin international sex all over the place but the woman takes it to the next level by developin an obsession.

Bad news on the doorstep:
It's lauded as a psychological thriller and a character study but I've seen enough of those to insist this is just farthouse fare. Movies about extra-marital affairs probably make the most sense to cheaters themselves because, as I believe, you don't really need a reason to cheat - you just do. You can and you want to and it happens. So to its credit, this movie does skips the tedium of explainin that. However in The Woman That Dreamed About A Man (2010) we're not allowed to develop any emotional attachment to the characters, nor are they very likeable either. As a result, the climax is decidedly underwhelmin and I find the entire effort rather vacuous. It does feature some good photography though - so why not just look at the stills and forget about the movie.

"Can we turn the lights off?"
"I'm tryin hard not to laugh when I see your orgasm face."
Score!
"I'm sorry. There's someone else. He's a Pole. I mean he's from Poland."
"I need love."
"I need love."
"I need love."
"Take me, you beast."
"So,  have you figured out what the movie is all about yet?"

Perennial wonderment:
Is Sonja Richter hot? I can't decide.
Reminds me of:
Damage (1992) with Jeremy Irons and Juliette Binoche but that was a good movie. The last affair-themed movie I watched was The Other Man (2008) and that wasn't very good either.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Two stars. Rather borin. Let's hope for more substance and less style in his next movie, an intended biopic about Swedish singer Monica Zetterlund called Monica Z (2013).
Trailer for the curious:

Bonus material:

Tuesday, 21 February 2012

Assassination Games (2011)

"Will you stroke my pet tortoise? Will you, please?"
At a glance:
A tired genre addition featurin the Muscles From Brussels® Jean-Claude Van Damme and British hardman Scott Adkins (who replaced another British hardman - Vinnie Jones) while JCVD's daughter Bianca Van Varenberg a.k.a. Bianca Bree has the easiest role ever - a comatose wife. About two hitmen who get in each other's way as they go after the same contract. The criminal circus unfolds mostly in Bucharest, Romania. Adkins looks meaner since battlin Matt Damon in The Bourne Ultimatum (2007) and apparently he'll be paired with JCVD again in Universal Soldier: A New Dimension (2012) and The Expendables 2 (2012). JVCD himself, well he looks as charismatic as ever, only that the years are really takin its toll on his face now.
I have the sexiest shoulder blades in all of Romania.
Bad news on the doorstep:
A pro hitman who plays the violin, hangs fine art on his wall and keeps a pet tortoise that he tries hard to connect with - how many more times do we have to endure the stereotype of a sentimental contract killer? Ugh.
Perennial wonderment:
Do you remember a certain Marija Karan, busty dark-haired Serbian siren? Here, she plays a random whore who gets beaten up badly and gives monologues about "gettin out of the life". She was apparently in The Rite (2011) with Anthony Hopkins too but I can hardly remember that movie. I think she was the mother of the possessed child.
Reminds me of:
"I'm a movie star. It's true."
A hundred other films before it with the same plot.
I can't remember if I cried:
When Van Damme decides to let the whore into his life because she manages to coax his tortoise out of its shell by strokin the right spot. A romance of the ages right there.
Most memorable line:
People choose their deaths when they choose their lives. Very true if you chose this DVD.
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Two and a half stars for finishin strong at least. Can be fun if you keep your expectations low enough.
Trailer for the curious:

Bonus material:
Polish poster for Assassination Games (2011)

Sunday, 19 February 2012

Anatomy (2000) @ Anatomie

"Hi, stud. Do you know the strongest muscle in a woman's body?"
At a glance:
Anatomical obscenity, anyone? Stefan Ruzowitzky German slasher was apparently big bucks back home and did well enough to get an English-dubbed release Stateside. It's a decent premise at first really. A promisin medical student gets the chance of a lifetime to attend the prestigious Heidelberg Institute for physicians and surgeons. She befriends a fellow student and a terminally-ill drifter on the train on the way there and they get accustomed to life on campus. Horror of horrors, the two girls are shocked to find the drifter on the dissectin table in one lecture. As events unfold, we are shown the possibility that there might be a sinister conspiracy goin on in the institute.
Bad news on the doorstep:

Suspenseful but not the kind of terror that lasts years after you've seen the film. The story disintegrates into a shock-value number in the last act as we are shown some rather unimpressive twists, included no doubt to convince us that this isn't another thoughtless run-of-the-mill gore fest. I knew about this film only because of Franka Potente, the lead actress from Run Lola Run (1998).
Perennial wonderment:
Don't we all love traditional FX instead of CG crap? The special effects here are pretty good. You can read on IMDb that the models of preserved human bodies are so well-done it has been offered up for real life medical teachin.
"I knew it. I should've just studied Accounting."
Reminds me of:
I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997).
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Less blood than Saw (2004), more story than Scream (1996) and just about the same durability as The Skeleton Key (2005) or The Descent (2005). Two and a half stars. The DVD release I got is loaded with extras - deleted scenes, interviews, featurettes, storyboards, filmographies and even a very sexy Anna Loos music video of the track My Truth. Come to think of it, the soundtrack is quite alright and was released as an album, I found out. If you like it, you can consider movin on to its sequel - Anatomie 2 (2003.
Trailer for the curious:
video
Bonus material:
Japanese poster for Anatomie (2000). Neat, no?

Thursday, 16 February 2012

Rabies (2010) @ Kalevet @ כלבת

At a glance:
Now when's the last time
you saw a movie poster in Hebrew, eh?
This is the Jewish middle finger to all genre conventions if I've ever seen one. Written and directed by Aharon Keshales and Navot Papushado, Rabies (2010) @ Kalevet @ כלבת is a curveball curio (in the Hebrew language) that is touted as the first slasher flick to come from Israel, havin gained some notoriety in the festival circuit. Hell I'm not sure if I've ever even watched an Israeli movie, let alone an Israeli horror movie. I'll provide a functional synopsis - it's about a sister and her brother who have run away from home and are now lost in a fox reserve with an unidentified killer hot on their heels. The proceedings involve a forest ranger and his dog, two very unfocused cops and four beautiful youngsters in their outrageously preppy tennis gear. There's a bear trap or two and some unexploded mines, too.
Bad news on the doorstep:
As many reviews will point out, there's surprisingly nothin here about the titular affliction at all. No animal nor man froths at the mouth so don't be thinkin you'll get some "infected" zombie action. Actually, with so many red herrings in the film, it may well be a rather fittin title that cleverly refers to the feral, diseased and infectious nature of the events. Killin people is like, rabid-like, right? Anyway, back to the movie proper. Just when you think this is Israel's answer to the American B-grade horrors we've been used to, the movie veers into unexpected and rather detailed subplots, one after another. It's definitely a movie that will leave you disorientated and you'll have to decide if you like that sorta feelin. 
Yael Grobglas doesn't get to be on the poster.
Perennial wonderment:
If you get to be in Israel for a week, what would you do?
Ania Bukstein
Reminds me of:
Certain angles of Yael Grobglas a.k.a. Yael Joelle Lise Grobglas reminds me of Asia Argento. Funny it's the other girl (busty Ania Bukstein) that gets to be on the movie poster, though. Another red herrin?

Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
This is a movie that seasoned movie buffs and film critics will enjoy. Unexpected black humour, decent death scenes and sound performances all round (Lior Ashkenazi, Ania Bukstein, Danny Geva, Yael Grobglas, Ran Danker, Ofer Shecter and Efrat Boimold). Do stay for an extra scene after the end credits to find out what happens to the killer.★★★
Trailer for the curious:

Bonus material:
"Here in Korea, we're rabid with delight. Really."

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

The Other Man (2008)

"Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?"
At a glance:
Confusin and superfluous British-American project, starrin an embarrassment of stars and directed by Richard Eyre, the fella who did Notes On A Scandal (2006) and Iris (2001). It appears to be marketed as a drama about a man (Liam Neeson) who discovers that his wife (Laura Linney) has cheated on him with some Latin lover (Antonio Banderas) and proceeds to track him down despite desperate pleas from his daughter (Romola Garai) not to. Where o where did it all go wrong?
Bad news on the doorstep:
Firstly, this is a story that was simply too flimsy and unspectacular for a feature film, especially with such a decorated cast. Then there's the twist, which may or may not have been intended as a twist because the giveaway is all over its marketin literature e.g. DVD covers. The uneven direction and the jumpy, abrupt scenes lead us to believe that old Eyre here didn't really know what he wanted to achieve. It may have just suffered from an unrefined script that was intended to tell a much better story. Half-way through, you'd wish this would just turn into Taken 2 and Liam Neeson would just start kickin everybody's ass to spare us the tedium.
Perennial wonderment:
Liam Neeson has a long history of bein a troubled married man in his movies, eh. He was supposed to be a cheatin husband in Chloe (2009) and then a husband whose wife suddenly denies even knowin him in Unknown (2011). In Clash Of The Titans (2010) he played the naughty Zeus who fornicated with humans and most recently in The Grey (2012) his wife either died on him or left him. Sadly though, in real life, his wife Natasha Richardson was killed in a skiin accident in March 2009.
Reminds me of:
Anne Fontaine's Nathalie... (2003) starrin Emmanuelle Béart but that was a good film.
Most memorable line:
"I can't decide which is worse - to find out that you're different with another man or that you're the same!"
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Wasted all these actors. Give it a miss. ★★
Trailer for the curious:
The BEST eCigaretteBonus material:
Here's a sequence from the movie that chronicles the sort of experience I believe every man should go through at some point in their lives - to discover on the Internet that one's lover is a big cheat.

"Let's see... what's could the damned password be?"
*Gasp* OMG! *Gasp*
The BEST eCigarette
"Oh no..."

"Tidakkkkk..."
"O cintaku... sanggup kau menduakan aku..."
"I'm gonna kill this bastard and eat his heart for dinner."
Laura Linney naked Antonio Banderas sex scene nipples taken adultery affair The Other Man 2008 cheating spouse
Latin Lovers: Wrecking Homes Since 1489
P/S I don't think that's really Laura Linney in the nude but that wouldda been nice, wouldn't it?

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Open House (2010)

Tricia helfer playboy murder sexy kill anna paquin OPEN HOUSE hot young girls KILAFAIRY NORA DANISH hari raya seks
You like underwater sex in other people's swimmin pools, eh?
"I must be allergic to this fabric...
and good movies."
At a glance:
Not to be confused with a video release of what Najib and Rosmah shamelessly do in their public-funded residence durin Manchester United matches, Open House (2010) nevertheless starts off on a similar premise - it's about fools who visit a house inhabited by fools. A less-than-lovin couple tries to sell off their love nest via a property agent amidst nasty divorce proceedings but is visited by a woman and a man under sinister circumstances. Sounds like a dodgy movie already.
Bad news on the doorstep:
It is a dodgy movie. What you get is Andrew Paquin writin and also directin a movie which has his illustrious sister Anna bein roped in to market the film despite appearin for only a minute or so, while Anna's husband Stephen Moyer is the lead. The story itself is pretty ordinary and its token twist doesn't really do anythin for the movie.
Perennial wonderment:
Playboy model Tricia Helfer is definitely hot in TV's Battlestar Galactica but in this movie she looks like an old and ugly man version of Amanda Peet. She's still got that killer body but we don't get to see much of it so what's the point of this movie?
Amacam joker, berapa bintang lu mau kasi?
Kudos to Brian Geraghty for at least gettin the looks down as a killer and suggestin that somethin interestin might actually happen. Frustratin movie.
Trailer for the curious:
Bonus material:
Here are more Tricia Helfer stills and also a bonus clip from the movie I found for you - Tricia Helter Pre-Underwater Sex Flirting 101. Look, then skip the movie.

video
Tricia Helter Pre-Underwater Sex Flirting 101
Exploited Celebrity
Hi. I'm Tricia Helfer and this is my house...


I just love a man who wants to use a Merlot for lubricant!